Skip to comments.Dealing with gay family member situation (vanity)
Posted on 12/08/2011 11:52:02 AM PST by AUJenn
We have a close family member who decided a few years ago that she was gay. I say 'decided' because up until then, she had always dated men and was actually about to get married. It came as a huge shock to everyone and has taken a while to get used to. She has had the same partner since she announced her lifestyle change. It has been difficult for me and other family members to accept and get used to their living arrangements, lifestyle, etc, especially on holidays. But as time has gone on, I have accepted this is how she is going to live and there is nothing I can do about it. But I don't like it.
I have always been polite and cordial because I see no sense in being rude or hostile. And if I were hateful, it would just give conservatives/Christians a bad name IMO, and would add fuel to their fire. That being said....she has announced that she and her partner are having a baby. The partner is pregnant. This has really thrown us for a loop, as we never expected this to happen.
It so happens that I have a small child and am expecting again, so it really makes me think. I am completely against their doing this. But I have no idea how to publicly act or respond to this situation - especially at upcoming family holiday events. I don't feel like happily telling them 'congratulations!' or talking about baby things. I think about how this poor kid is going to feel about his/her parent situation, or how I'm going to explain to my children why this baby 'has two moms' and on and on.
If anyone has a gay family member or has been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear how you handle it. Thank you -
re: “Its not your place to tell her how to live her life or who she can see.”
Where did she do that in her post?
re: “Does she tell you how to live your life?”
Where in her post is she telling her how to live??
re: “There are more important things in life than worrying about how someone else enjoys their life.”
That’s not what she asked. She is asking for advice on how to deal with this issue for herself and her immediate family - not on how to make the other person change her lifestyle.
“It so happens that I have a small child and am expecting again, so it really makes me think. I am completely against their doing this. But I have no idea how to publicly act or respond to this situation - especially at upcoming family holiday events. I don’t feel like happily telling them ‘congratulations!’ or talking about baby things. I think about how this poor kid is going to feel about his/her parent situation, or how I’m going to explain to my children why this baby ‘has two moms’ and on and on. “
Maybe you should actually just tell people in your family exactly that, including them? Not angrily, but honestly. Those are your real feelings.
Whatever you do, don’t take it out on the poor baby, who is starting life in a very freaky situation.
What would Jesus do? Is your sister a Christian? Is the pregnant partner a Christian? Were they once believers and are not anymore? Follow the teachings of the New Testament. Have you ever told your sister that you believe her lifestyle is sinful?
It is all easier said than done. Pray for God’s guidance. And then take that guidance.
Performing homosexual acts is selfish and nihilism. It is evil to deny a child their biological father and chance for normal sexual identity development. If they have a boy he will be mutilating his penis at four like those lesbian’s Tyler ==who are forcing drugs now on their eight year old to prevent his natural development.....putting toxins into this confused and mentally ill kid....he is mentally ill because of his artificial evil, unnatural environment.
Best answer is following: You should never stand back and allow evil—Bonhoeffer said it best-—not saying anything is condoning the behavior and allowing evil to magnify and destroy tons of others because of your silence in the face of true evil—that denial of God and Natural Design and hatred of your own body.
Dont give your opinion unless asked, and if asked just say something simple.
Its not your job to teach them a lesson or hold up rating cards. Theyll work out their issues on their own, theres probably a lot more to it you dont know or want to know.
You cant choose your family so just keep smiling
I agree with "Mount Athos" - I would only add, don't feel obliged to attend events you don't want to and don't feel obliged to send cards, etc... Don't advertise your feelings, just play dumb and avoid them if they upset you.
I had a family friend who turned "gay" after being married with 2 kids. Then he met another man, his "true love." I didn't say anything. Some went out of their way to welcome them, etc... Then he broke up with that guy, and moved to another, then another, then another. Those who chose to celebrate his first "new love" probably felt pretty stupid after the 3rd time. I started to find him and his boyfriends annoying, unstable and disagreeable people - I happen to believe it is closely linked to their lifestyle, but anyway, the decision to actively avoid them became easy.
Point is - they have chosen to venture out with lifestyle which is usually does not "succeed." So be polite and dumb, but make them prove to you they are indeed "just like everyone else." Maybe they will surprise you, maybe not.
“I will not let my children spend time around her and her partner unless I am present. She has asked to take the kids places or for them to spend the night, I am always polite but firm in my refusal. I feel bad, because I let the children do things with other relatives, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I recently explained to my older child what homosexuality is and why it is considered sinful and wrong. I explained that this was they type of relationship that my niece and her friend but that we should still be polite and hopes she renounces her sin. “
I second this advice.
I once stupidly let my 4 year old daughter spend the night with her aunt. I don’t know what I was thinking. She “lived together” with her boyfriend in a dorm (yes, they were allowed visitors, even little kids) and my daughter was very confused about that when she came home, asking me why the two of them slept in the same bed - necessitating an explanation from me.
I’d delay exposure to these evils as long as possible.
This is a VERY tricky situation, so . . . I deleted most of my specific thoughts. In general, I'd say that God comes first, family second (especially what is best for your immediate family), and country third. Clearly you recognize what God's word says about gay relationships, and to me that is a decisive consideration. If this is not a relationship you want your children to admire or emulate, then it is not a relationship you want them exposed to. Beyond those considerations, the big factor is being as polite as possible within those constraints so that you will have a relationship and can help her when she needs help or is ready to listen again. Good luck.
Thats not what she asked. She is asking for advice on how to deal with this issue for herself and her immediate family - not on how to make the other person change her lifestyle.””
The way to “deal with the issue” is to accept the fact that the 1800’s are over and in this century sometimes boys date boys and girls date girls.
Either accept that or stay in the past.
Rather than worry about what you’re going to say to the mother, why not plan on being the best aunt/niece/cousin/whatever to the child instead?
I think you have one of two options.
Either accept the situation, with all the confusion it will entail for your own children, being gracious and polite, etc.
Or, be frank, but polite, expressing your beliefs, and explaining that you do not want your young children exposed or involved with people who do not share these beliefs.
Personally, I would probably avoid becoming close to the child in question. I can foresee a “break-up” in this relationship at some point, with all of the anger and tension that comes with such, including a potential custody fight, etc.
I didn't read your post as being “all about you” or “about telling someone else how to live”.
You are concerned about your children and about maintaining your values without being rude. Completely valid, logical and justifiable.
First, tolerance and acceptance are two different things entirely. It is nice of you to tolerate things you don't like. However, you are not required to accept them.
That said, I would suggest thinking of the situation in the same light as a hetro relative that is hyper-sexual. “I don't really want to discuss sex.”, is a perfectly fine and appropriate response if they initiate a discussion you don't want to take part in. If they insist, get up and leave the room.
No you don't have to be excited that they are having a baby. However, once the baby arrives, there is every reason to be nice to the child and promote a Christian belief. As St. Augustine said, go forth and preach the Gospel and if absolutely necessary speak.
We need not accept things in order to tolerate them, nor do we need be overtly rude in indicating our refusal to accept them. That said, be prepared for your relative to respond to a lack of acceptance as if it were an attack. Just hold your ground.
Listen to the second part of you then, because unlike the first, it makes a bit of sense. It's a child, and it's going to need a loving family just like every other child. Ostracizing a child because you don't like decisions the parents have made is wrong on every level imaginable.
Either accept that or stay in the past.
I don't think that the poster was inquiring about how to be hip in the 21st century.
Simply make it clear to her that she is not welcome at your home and that you expect her to stay far away from you and your children.
You answered your own question.........I would gladly trade one of my brothers-in-law for your lesbian relative and her partner and congratulate them on their choice of having a child of their own.
Would you rather have to deal with another close relative's public announcement to the family that she has decided to have an abortion?
Family is family, be fortunate you have one to share this holiday with..........many people don't.
If you don't wish them in your house, send them my way, I would enjoy some company...........
You're obviously Irish, because trust me on this, no one from an Irish family would ever say that. Quite the contrary, we suffer fools gladly because they are family.
there are limits.
tough love is tough for a reason.
you would not suffer any other sexual fetishes at a family reunion (wife swappers, leather, animal sex, or any other deviancy)
I had a similar situation with a gay cousin. When he was in the closet, he was tolerable. Once he came out and started bringing the boyfriends around, he (and they) became unbearable. He’s recently taken to sending out Christmas cards with pictures of him and his boyfriend sitting on Santa’s lap. Fortunately, I forgot to give him my address the lat time I moved and I don’t get them.
My liberal brother used to take his kids over to the cousin’s house to show how open-minded and progressive he was. He started noticing that every room had phallic symbols all over the place... gay art, gay nick-knacks, gay coffee mugs, gay ashtrays, etc.... and then his kids started asking questions. That’s when the visits stopped.
Just love her like anyone else. Her choices have nothing to do with you. Support, love and forgive if necessary.
My wife and I have a couple gay family members on either side and a very close friend who recently “came out.”
Love them like you would any other family member. If they ask your opinion, be honest but not hurtful.
My big dilemma would be if they were to ask me to their wedding. I don’t believe in gay marriage so I likely wouldn’t go however my wife disagrees.
From my own personal observations homosexual relationships are usually a hot mess and don’t last.
I just pray that I never have to deal with a full blown transsexual family member. They are certifiably insane.
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