Skip to comments.Dealing with gay family member situation (vanity)
Posted on 12/08/2011 11:52:02 AM PST by AUJenn
We have a close family member who decided a few years ago that she was gay. I say 'decided' because up until then, she had always dated men and was actually about to get married. It came as a huge shock to everyone and has taken a while to get used to. She has had the same partner since she announced her lifestyle change. It has been difficult for me and other family members to accept and get used to their living arrangements, lifestyle, etc, especially on holidays. But as time has gone on, I have accepted this is how she is going to live and there is nothing I can do about it. But I don't like it.
I have always been polite and cordial because I see no sense in being rude or hostile. And if I were hateful, it would just give conservatives/Christians a bad name IMO, and would add fuel to their fire. That being said....she has announced that she and her partner are having a baby. The partner is pregnant. This has really thrown us for a loop, as we never expected this to happen.
It so happens that I have a small child and am expecting again, so it really makes me think. I am completely against their doing this. But I have no idea how to publicly act or respond to this situation - especially at upcoming family holiday events. I don't feel like happily telling them 'congratulations!' or talking about baby things. I think about how this poor kid is going to feel about his/her parent situation, or how I'm going to explain to my children why this baby 'has two moms' and on and on.
If anyone has a gay family member or has been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear how you handle it. Thank you -
I didn't read your post as being “all about you” or “about telling someone else how to live”.
You are concerned about your children and about maintaining your values without being rude. Completely valid, logical and justifiable.
First, tolerance and acceptance are two different things entirely. It is nice of you to tolerate things you don't like. However, you are not required to accept them.
That said, I would suggest thinking of the situation in the same light as a hetro relative that is hyper-sexual. “I don't really want to discuss sex.”, is a perfectly fine and appropriate response if they initiate a discussion you don't want to take part in. If they insist, get up and leave the room.
No you don't have to be excited that they are having a baby. However, once the baby arrives, there is every reason to be nice to the child and promote a Christian belief. As St. Augustine said, go forth and preach the Gospel and if absolutely necessary speak.
We need not accept things in order to tolerate them, nor do we need be overtly rude in indicating our refusal to accept them. That said, be prepared for your relative to respond to a lack of acceptance as if it were an attack. Just hold your ground.
Listen to the second part of you then, because unlike the first, it makes a bit of sense. It's a child, and it's going to need a loving family just like every other child. Ostracizing a child because you don't like decisions the parents have made is wrong on every level imaginable.
Either accept that or stay in the past.
I don't think that the poster was inquiring about how to be hip in the 21st century.
Simply make it clear to her that she is not welcome at your home and that you expect her to stay far away from you and your children.
You answered your own question.........I would gladly trade one of my brothers-in-law for your lesbian relative and her partner and congratulate them on their choice of having a child of their own.
Would you rather have to deal with another close relative's public announcement to the family that she has decided to have an abortion?
Family is family, be fortunate you have one to share this holiday with..........many people don't.
If you don't wish them in your house, send them my way, I would enjoy some company...........
You're obviously Irish, because trust me on this, no one from an Irish family would ever say that. Quite the contrary, we suffer fools gladly because they are family.
there are limits.
tough love is tough for a reason.
you would not suffer any other sexual fetishes at a family reunion (wife swappers, leather, animal sex, or any other deviancy)
I had a similar situation with a gay cousin. When he was in the closet, he was tolerable. Once he came out and started bringing the boyfriends around, he (and they) became unbearable. He’s recently taken to sending out Christmas cards with pictures of him and his boyfriend sitting on Santa’s lap. Fortunately, I forgot to give him my address the lat time I moved and I don’t get them.
My liberal brother used to take his kids over to the cousin’s house to show how open-minded and progressive he was. He started noticing that every room had phallic symbols all over the place... gay art, gay nick-knacks, gay coffee mugs, gay ashtrays, etc.... and then his kids started asking questions. That’s when the visits stopped.
Just love her like anyone else. Her choices have nothing to do with you. Support, love and forgive if necessary.
My wife and I have a couple gay family members on either side and a very close friend who recently “came out.”
Love them like you would any other family member. If they ask your opinion, be honest but not hurtful.
My big dilemma would be if they were to ask me to their wedding. I don’t believe in gay marriage so I likely wouldn’t go however my wife disagrees.
From my own personal observations homosexual relationships are usually a hot mess and don’t last.
I just pray that I never have to deal with a full blown transsexual family member. They are certifiably insane.
Remember, its THEIR life to live not yours.. you don’t have to agree with their decisions, but you aren’t the ones making them.
My son’s best friend in grade school was the child of 2 lesbians, granted not immediate family, but still.. I don’t recall ever having very deep conversations with him about it all, just was the way his friend’s life was. Now they weren’t radical in your face lesbians which did make it a lot easier, and we never treated them any different than any other couple.
Another couple I know that are doing this, I would not want my children around at all and truly do fear for their son, the one is a completely over domineering anti male dyke, and I feel for their son every time I see him.
I can’t give you answers, but I think you are making more of this than probably there is. You have to make decisions about your life, and your child’s, but you cannot control what others do, and trying to is just wasted energy.
Went through this with my brother about 5 years ago. If I told you everything that has happened since then you probably wouldn’t believe it. I can barely believe it myself.
Bottom line? He’s slowly destroyed himself in the interim and tried to take everyone around him down with him.
My conclusion? The world “gay” is such a misnomer. Sure, there are undoubtedly exceptions. But as a rule there’s a lot of self-hatred, self-pity, and it’s more of a horror show than anything else.
It won’t start out that way. But see if it doesn’t end up that way. If it doesn’t consider yourself lucky. But be prepared.
What to do about it? Be polite, be respectful, but don’t fall for the “alternative lifestyle” BS and prepare yourself emotionally for the fecal matter to hit the oscillating rotatory device.
and - YMMV.
Would He condemn her?
Would He accept her?
Would He be overjoyed at the knowledge that another child was being born to an obviously loving couple when so many others are being aborted, abused and cast by the wayside?
Just random thoughts........
Not to sound cliche', but when all else fails, just ask yourself "What would Jesus do..."
I'm also surprised at some of the responses you're getting.
As I see it, you have to think of your family and your kids first. If that means alienating family then so be it. Your kids come first and you want to protect your kids as long as possible. Let them remain kids as long as possible.
The problem, as I see it, is we've been desensitized in so many, many ways. Because of this, doing the right thing or even mentioning it will make us look like we're from another planet to some people. In all things I am a Christian first, so in that sense coming across as if I'm from another planet doesn't bother me because of what the Bible says in regards to those who belong to Christ.
There's no need to be rude or hostile. Treat this family member as Jesus would. Love them. Tell them the truth. At the same time, keep your kids away.
it would logically follow that most of the family does not approve of the lifestyle.
This is not a one person alone at revulsion, it is most likely the entire family against this one person’s sex fetish and the destruction of a child’s life in the name of that fetish.
We have a good friend who has a lesbian niece. She and her husband made a BIG mistake helping her out financially. Now her niece has her hand out for every little shortfall.
If you love her and want her in your life, then you are going to have to accept the situation. I do not believe that one chooses to be gay. I do not believe that one wakes up and says "I think I will be gay today". You are or you aren't. At least she realized it before ruining a marriage.
Bear in mind that your family could be torn apart by this, one side with her, and one side against her. Look past the gay at the person before you decide. Know that if this is truly her, that she will never change and that you are at a crossroads here. One way will exclude her from your life and will most certainly cause attitudes and tension. In the future you may regret this decision. The other way allows her to be a part of your life and allows you to maintain a relationship. Remember, she is family, and she will always be family. You cannot ever change that.
I was faced with the same situation, and I chose to keep that person in my life and accept them as they are, and it is richer with them than without.
Some of the advice offered here is eye-opening. I find it amazing so many freepers are willing to put up with homosexual behavior in front of children.
Wow, I am overwhelmed at the response. I really thank you for taking the time to ‘speak’ with me! For the record, I have never told them how to live, offered my opinion or tried to convince them to change. That’s not my job and not something I’m interested in doing. I’m more in the ‘lead by example’ persuasion. I really never thought their relationship would last this long and thought it was a weird phase. I definitely never thought a baby would be brought into the mix.
I know it will be the elephant in the room at Christmas. While others are saying “congratulations!”, I don’t feel that I should do so. I feel very sorry for the unborn baby who is being brought into quite the odd situation. Of course I would always be kind to a child. But I also imagine conversations with my son in the future about why this child has two moms, etc. Not something I look forward to.
I don’t believe Jesus would condone this at all, but I don’t know what He would do or say. Love the sinner, hate the sin is pretty much the way I’ve treated it since she has come out.
Again, I have gotten a lot of good thoughts and advice here and I really appreciate it. Merry Christmas!
“Love them. Tell them the truth. At the same time, keep your kids away.”
Did you even read the original post?
I wonder how many of these posts are really trolls.
What was it Jesus said? Something about loving your neighbor?
This is not hard at all.
She is the same person she was before. As long as she is not wiping your face in it, or trying to recruit your daughters...there is not much you can do about it.
Are you all about how you have sex and with whom? Neither is she.
Our God daughter is marrying her girlfriend soon. No one is thrilled about it. But in this case, there was not any decision...it was pretty clear from the git-go which team she played on.
<I don’t feel like happily telling them ‘congratulations!’ or talking about baby things. I think about how this poor kid is going to feel about his/her parent situation
Think about how this ‘poor kid’ is going to feel with family members who can barely restrain themselves from telling the child how disgusted they are and how sorry they are for having gay parents - even though the child had no choice in the matter.
This child is as much a child of God as you are. You could try treating it as one. Loving kindness from other family members could go a long way to helping the child deal with what may be a difficult situation as s/he grows up.
“...There’s no need to be rude or hostile. Treat this family member as Jesus would. Love them. Tell them the truth. At the same time, keep your kids away...”
That is the answer in a nutshell.
I will categorically state that Jesus would NOT be “overjoyed” that a child would be raised in such as situation, nor would He sit and chat with them without commenting on their blatant sin. We have example after example of Jesus doing just that in the New Testament.
No the child is already lost.
You go ahead and handle the situation as you see fit. I’m not going to turn my back on any family member over stuff like this. Life’s too short.
Having said that, we also have had to uninvite the family fornicators. When I was homeschooling my daughter, I told the unmarried inlaws to find a motel if they wanted to attend family functions. I let them know I don't believe in unmarried sex and wouldn't provide a place for them to practice it. One even got married and is teaching Sunday school in church now. The other is broken up and still a little upset that they can't flop at my house with a new beau.
I have the right to control what happens in my home and in front of my family. They believed it would just be easier for me to accept their lifestyle and give in. They lost! When Thanksgiving comes at my home and 15 people come here and 2 or 3 end up in a motel or not invited at all, they are the ones that do without and everybody knows why.
Too many people allow these "in your face" types to push them around. You may do without for awhile, bit then again, they may get embarrassed if you let them know you won't give in. When it first started, there was family trouble and I was the one causing unnecessary trouble. After awhile, it became obvious that they were the ones being unreasonable. I am a Christian first! Everyone, in the end, figured out that no one has to accept anything. They will try to outnumber you, but you just have to have Christ first in your life. If Christ isn't the reason you want them to change, you will loose. I was able to raise my daughter with good values and point out the catastrophic lives of the others. From drugs, diseases, jail, and misery, my daughter saw the end results and pain of their chosen lifestyles. She was able to witness their transformation into a "regular" human being after a life of debauchery and misery. They demonstrated God's way is the best way to my daughter and saved her a life of mistakes. One brother in law actually died drinking himself to death. I've seen many families give in thinking they want to be "reasonable". It doesn't help a thing. Call it tough love or an intervention, whatever you want, just reject what isn't right. You will be happier and you may even affect their life. Name calling and arguing doesn't fix a thing, but living your principles will.
When you start out, you just have to be firm, but not nasty. Just tell them you don't accept what they do in your house. You may get uninvited from family events at first, but they will either give in or you just won't have family functions anymore.
There is a Bible verse about putting Jesus above your family members. It says you must "hate" them. That was a hard saying at first, but you find out later the wisdom of it. If you just think you don't want to be around homosexuality, you will either give in eventually, or do and say things you will be sorry for later. Just love God and be fair and consistent.
I can’t believe it either. And the homosexual agenda moves on....
I wouldn’t be “tolerating” homosexuals around my children.
“...What was it Jesus said? Something about loving your neighbor?..”
Loving your neighbor is not the same as accepting their “lifestyle”. Jesus said, “Go and sin no more.” He was always forthright about God’s narrow way vs. the ways of the world.
I have two gay nephews (brothers, figure the odds on THAT!). One is an interior decorator with TV gigs and is making pots of money. He’s in a committed relationship. The other works for EPA. We have had some interesting discussions. He’s also quite conservative. This guy was in a commited relationship with a guy who was universally well thought of by our family. I love both of the guys almost like my own sons, both of whom think the world of their cousins. The EPA guy is especially fond of HIS two nephews and nobody in the family has any problem with him taking these two little boys out for ice cream, etc. These guys’ dad is a super-macho hunter, deep-sea fisherman, and all around tough guy. He has never allowed their “condition” to affect his love for his sons. He also has two daughters and sometimes tells people that he has four daughters.
“the second she brought her fetish sex partner into the family event she made it your business.
there is no passive go along to get along because it only endorses the bad conduct in front of your children.
There is right and wrong, and kombaya blindness is only teaching endorsement to your children.”
I don’t think being civil is being blind or going along to get along. I said I would explain my feelings to my children, already have. Told them what I think about homosexuality and why. That’s not condoning it. But I am not the family morality police either.
We want to be close to our families, but some things cannot be avoided.
We want to be close to our families, but some things cannot be avoided.
Hey, I am not saying embrace the lifestyle. I am saying there is nothing you can do about it. You can choose to love her and pray for her, or not.
Telling her she is damned for all time really doesn’t sound too productive.
I also know that the poster already knows the answer to her question. It’s in her heart. It’s not my place to damn anyone else. I have lots of lumber-jacking to do in my own eye.
YOU knowing what Jesus would do and feeling the hostility you do towards your family member, I only feel sadness for you...........May Jesus turn your heart from condemnation to acceptance.
The obvious solution to your problem is to forbid your family member from ever stepping into your house again, citing your religious belief of course, and condemning her and her partner and their unborn child to eternal hell in front of the entire family.
That should work for you..........
The unborn child isn't your responsibility and, legally speaking, your relative may not even have claim. There's no reason to offer congratulations for a test tube moment. I tend to the Catholic view that IVF and other unnatural conceptions are immoral and selfish acts.
As for your own child, you can explain the science in simple terms if you choose and offer your view on it. You can also say the relative's relationship is not one you believe God would want for her but adults have free will to make good and bad choices.
Be aware, when you decide what to tell your children, they may reach puberty and find themselves unexpected burdened with a non-heterosexual orientation. I realize that's controversial to say here because many think it's all a "choice" with no physiological component (aberrant or otherwise) but it needs to be said. You do not want to preemptively alienate him or her should that happen because if it does they'll need your love and support as they struggle through it as your child would with any setback to the blueprint of a normal, healthy life.
You need to be clear it's behavior you disapprove of not the individual.
Let me know how that turns out, I’m sure your Christmas will be everything it’s supposed to be once purged of that sinner...........
“...I have lots of lumber-jacking to do in my own eye...”
Ha! As do I.
Does she tell you how to live your life?
You completely missed her point. Her question was about how to handle the situation with the pregnancy with regard to what to tell her child, how to avoid being put in a position where she either had to appear supportive (when she isn't) or be very open about her opposition to the situation, etc.
I would be as open with my child as appropriate based on his/her age. I would try to explain that cousin Suzie's "friend" is having a baby, but I would not tell the child that the new baby would have 2 mommies. I would acknowledge the event without expressing approval - no "Congratulations" or baby shower gifts - this is not a situation to be celebrated, and more than any child deliberating born out of wedlock is. Of course, once the baby was born, I would treat the baby with the same love and affection I would treat any other child - the baby is not responsible for the decisions of his or her parent.
I think the most important thing is not to allow your children to see this as "normal". It is okay to explain to them that, although we love cousin Suzie, the way she is living is not according to God's law, and we need to pray for her every day that she comes to repentance and a restoration of a relationship with God.
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A Freeper asking for input - I am sure that many on the list will have good ideas, experiences, and so on. How to love the person but not give approval for serious immorality - not the easiest task in the world. And it's more than "how someone wants to enjoy their life" as shelterguy says, there is a difference between Right and Wrong, objective reality exists, and moral absolutes exist. It is delicate because no one wants to alienate a family member. One problem is if the homosexual family member is very aggressive and "in your face" and demands approval and participation. If they remain private it's a lot easier.
THEY are not having a baby, she has decided to deny this child a father. Perhaps what is needed is constitutional referenda outlawing anonymous sperm donation.
Obviously not, since the homosexual lifestyle is as incompatible with Christianity as is being a practicing adulterer.
So now you have to decide what you want YOUR children to see and hear. That should be your main focus. They have chosen their life. Now you decide. What do you want your children exposed to?