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Posted on 01/27/2012 4:52:38 AM PST by Lucky9teen
That silly audience thought he was singing to them...
Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2012
It contained two tomato seeds, a cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my tush, ... 10 coupons to KFC and an “Obama Hope” bumper sticker.
The directions were in Spanish.
Hope you get yours soon.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.
Top 10? Unusual!!
made the First Page.....another thing off my bucket list
One of "Holder's" people has been spotted.
Early morning bumpity bump
CATHOLICS ONLY HUMOR
For Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. (Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
wooooooo hoooooooo top 1000!!!
Far out.....Multi-tasking booty bump.
Closed... Beat it!
I think that might be a little too much immersion for me. It actually isnt the ill-fated Costa Concordia thats pictured on the front of the brochure. Its sister ship Costa Fascinosa. But inside Im encouraged to book a seven-night western Mediterranean cruise on the Costa Concordia between Feb. 25 and Oct. 29. Prices start at $749 and Im eligible to enjoy a $50 onboard credit. I think I might spend that on an aqualung. When you choose Costa cruises, the brochure explains, you dont just see Europe you live it. I called American Express and a representative explained that it takes between six and eight weeks from when a brochure is put into creative to when it reaches mailboxes, making it too late to pull the mailing. Obviously that offer is not valid, she said. The cruise does sound nice, though. Passengers can relax in the dazzling casino, savor a gourmet spa menu, indulge in a Turkish steam bath or just linger on a spacious teak sun deck and savor la dolce vita. Dont linger too long, though. The lifeboats are waiting.
It actually isnt the ill-fated Costa Concordia thats pictured on the front of the brochure. Its sister ship Costa Fascinosa. But inside Im encouraged to book a seven-night western Mediterranean cruise on the Costa Concordia between Feb. 25 and Oct. 29. Prices start at $749 and Im eligible to enjoy a $50 onboard credit. I think I might spend that on an aqualung.
When you choose Costa cruises, the brochure explains, you dont just see Europe you live it.
I called American Express and a representative explained that it takes between six and eight weeks from when a brochure is put into creative to when it reaches mailboxes, making it too late to pull the mailing. Obviously that offer is not valid, she said.
The cruise does sound nice, though. Passengers can relax in the dazzling casino, savor a gourmet spa menu, indulge in a Turkish steam bath or just linger on a spacious teak sun deck and savor la dolce vita.
Dont linger too long, though. The lifeboats are waiting.
Nice start, thanks
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home
but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
“May I see your identification, please?” asked the agent.
“I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replied the guy.
“Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,” said the agent.
“But I can prove I’m an American!” he exclaimed. “I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush
on the other.”
“This I gotta see,” replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
“By golly, you’re right!” exclaimed the agent. “Have a safe trip back to
Thanks!” he said. “But how did you know I was from Chicago?”
The agent replied, “I recognized Obama in the middle.”
Vocabulary Word for the Day
LIQUIDITY is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your
The IRS sent my tax return back because in response to the
“List all dependents”, I replied:
12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons and
535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.
Apparently, this is NOT an acceptable answer.
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells
the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled
from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and
tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he’s
finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had
in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed
that little ball. The barber replied: “Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does”.
THE JEWISH GRANDMA
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
“What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?”
Wise Italian Grandpa
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. “
“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Alabama.”
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies, “I’ll miss you...”
It’s just dawned on me....
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much
larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep..
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever..
All of his costs are picked up by
others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick
Oh My Gosh! I think my
dog is a member of Congress!
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely NOT! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Top 50 !
“I have the right to remain silent, I just don’t have the ability.” -Ron “Tater Salad” White
‘Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there’s a robot bartender!
The robot says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “168.”
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space, exploration and
The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes
back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “Whiskey.”
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “100.”
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and
The guy leaves, but finds this very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “Whiskey,” and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”
The robot leans in real close and says,
“So, . . . you people still happy with Barack Obama?”
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said.You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife,
The agent replies, Then youre not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife. The agent replies, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the womans turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.
Two men in restroom stalls:
First Man: “hey there’s no toilet paper here, is there any toilet paper over there?”
Second Man: “no, none over here either.”
First Man: (pause) “Well, do you have change for a twenty?”
Thanks for the jokes - needed that this week!
For your reading pleasure
Some Cheech and Chong from the 70s
Hey there swingin guys and girls, got a big date tonight but got a ZIT in the middle of your forehead?
I mean the big juicy kind, the ones that look like a third eye?
Well, if theyve been calling you Cyclops, dont get upset.
Cause now theres new Hickey-Off Pimple Pads ..by BRILLO, HEY!!!!
Hickey-Off doesnt just work on the surface, but goes down and RIPS EM OUT BY THE ROOTS!!!!!
And for those moon-sized craters youll have in your head, theres Hickey-Off Plastic Filler.
Comes complete with a putty knife, sandpaper, and flesh toned paint for all the rough spots.
So get it together with Hickey-Off Pimple Pads and Filler.
Now back to Un-American Bandstand where we have the winner of the name the three songs contest.
And that winner is, from Seconal, NC, Chacta Ortega.
And Chacta correctly identified the three most played songs in the history of the English language as: Auld Lang Syne, Happy Birthday to You, and In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, HEY!!
So Chacta you win that blind date with Stevie Wonder. Right on!!
Excellent...and short, too!
Guns and Roses Played on a Harp by two absolutely beautiful Twins, it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen, check it out ..
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