I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks: “Why the long face?”
John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender asks: “Why the long face?”
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
What’ll it be, asks the bartender.
The frog says, oh, I don’t drink, but could you help me get this wart off of my butt?
There once was a man named Obama
ho ruled by fiat and drama.
A crisis, said he,
for my government to become your mama.
I finally got up and let her out.
“As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
“Did this actually happen to you?”
“Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”