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(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

Posted on 02/17/2012 7:01:30 AM PST by Lucky9teen

Presidents Day

Claim:   The federal holiday observed in the United States on the third Monday of February is officially designated as "Presidents' Day."


FALSE

Origins:   Back in my school days, February was an important month — not just because it included the eagerly-anticipated Valentine's Day, but because even though it was the shortest month of the year, it contained two (count 'em: two) holidays for which schools were closed: Lincoln's Birthday (February 12) and Washington's Birthday (February 22).

Two school-free days for the kids, two days off for working parents, and terrific bargains on bedding, linen, and towels at department store white sales. What wasn't to like about February?

Nowadays, though, many of us — whether we be employees or students — don't get any weekdays off at all in February, or we're offered a single holiday that falls on the third Monday in February and is neither Lincoln's nor Washington's Birthday but some hybrid known as "Presidents' Day." What happened to our traditional February holidays? And just what the heck are we commemorating on "Presidents' Day"?

Some of us think we're observing George Washington's Birthday (perpetually moved to more convenient Monday dates since 1971), some of us think we're celebrating the combined birthdays of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln (two formerly separate holidays smushed into one), and some of us think we're honoring the memory of all U.S. presidents past and present. Which is it?



Throughout the 19th century, George Washington was the towering figure of U.S. history to the American public. In honor of the man who commanded the Continental Army and led the American colonies to victory in the Revolutionary War, served as first President of the United

States of America, and earned the sobriquet "The Father of Our Country," Washington's Birthday, February 22, was celebrated with more patriotic fervor than any holiday save the Fourth of July. Accordingly, the observance of Washington's Birthday was made official in 1885 when President Chester Alan Arthur signed a bill establishing it as a federal holiday. (Washington was actually born on February 11, 1732, under the Julian calendar in effect at the time he was born, but his birth date is reckoned as February 22 under the Gregorian calendar which was adopted in 1752.)

However, the seeds of confusion were sown in 1968 with the passage of a piece of legislation known as Uniform Holidays Bill, intended to create more three-day weekends for federal employees by moving the observance of three existing federal holidays (Washington's Birthday, Memorial Day, and Veterans Day) from fixed calendar dates to designated Mondays, and by establishing Columbus Day, also to be observed on a Monday, as a new federal holiday. (Subsequent legislation enacted several years later eventually restored the observance of Veterans Day to November 11.) Under this act, from 1971 onwards the observance date of Washington's Birthday would be relocated from February 22 to the third Monday in February. (Oddly enough, this change guaranteed that Washington's Birthday would never again be celebrated on his "actual" birthday of February 22, as the third Monday in February cannot fall any later than February 21.)

So far, so good. The date of observance of Washington's Birthday might have been tinkered with a bit, but the holiday was still undeniably "Washington's Birthday." So what happened to Lincoln's Birthday? And whence came "Presidents' Day"?


The concept of combining Washington's and Lincoln's birthdays into one holiday called "President's Day" was floated as far back as the early 1950s, as the New York Times noted in 1968:
The first uniform Monday holiday plan was promulgated by NATO [the National Association of Travel Organizations] in the early 1950's. It called for combining Washington's and Lincoln's Birthdays into a single President's Day, to be celebrated the third Monday in February, and shifting Memorial Day to the fourth Monday in May, Independence Day to the first Monday in July and Veterans Day to the second Monday in November.

This initial effort met with sporadic success in a few states. But after several years of attempting to get the individual states to adopt uniform Monday holidays, it became apparent that a Federal bill was needed to serve as an example for state action.
Although early efforts to implement a Uniform Holidays Bill in 1968 also proposed moving the observance of Washington's Birthday to the third Monday in February and renaming the holiday "President's Day," the passed version of the bill provided only for the former. The official designation of the federal holiday observed on the third Monday of February is, and always has been, Washington's Birthday.


President Nixon is frequently identified as the party responsible for changing Washington's Birthday into President's Day and fostering the notion that it is a day for commemorating all U.S. Presidents, a feat he supposedly achieved by issuing a proclamation on 21 February 1971 which declared the third Monday in February to be a "holiday set aside to honor all presidents, even myself." This claim stems not from fact, however, but from a newspaper spoof. Actually, presidential records indicate that Nixon merely issued an Executive Order (11582) on 11 February 1971 defining the third Monday of February as a holiday, and the announcement of that Executive Order identified the day as "Washington's Birthday."

Washington's Birthday has become Presidents' Day (or President's Day, or even Presidents Day; the usage is inconsistent) for many of us because federal holidays technically apply only to persons employed by the federal government (and the District of Columbia). Individual state governments do not have to observe federal holidays — most of them generally do (and most private employers and school districts follow suit), but federal and state holiday observances can differ. For example, former Confederate states have observed several holidays not recognized at a federal level (such as June 3, Jefferson Davis Day), and controversial Arizona governor Ev Mecham drew headlines in 1987 when one of his first official acts upon inauguration was to rescind an executive order issued by the previous governor that had established the birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr. (a federal holiday) as an Arizona state holiday.

Although Lincoln's Birthday had never been designated as a federal holiday, it was observed as a state holiday in many parts of the country. However, after additional federal holidays were created for Columbus Day and the Birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr. (in 1971 and 1986, respectively), some states dropped the observance of Lincoln's Birthday as a separate holiday in order to maintain a fixed number of paid holidays per year (and some states had never observed Lincoln's Birthday in the first place). As a result, we now have a hodgepodge of state holiday schedules in the USA: some states still observe Lincoln's and Washington's birthdays as separate holidays, some states observe only Washington's Birthday, some states commemorate both with a single Presidents' Day (or Lincoln-Washington Day), and some states celebrate neither. And there are odd exceptions such as Alabama, which designated the third Monday in February as a day commemorating both George Washington and Thomas Jefferson (even though Jefferson was born in April). A few states even moved their observances of Washington's Birthday, Lincoln's Birthday, and Presidents' Day to November or December in order to lengthen the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday periods without creating additional paid holidays.

An attempt to clear up some of this confusion at the federal level was made through the introduction of the 'Washington-Lincoln Recognition Act of 2001' (HR 420) to Congress in 2001. The bill proposed that "the legal public holiday known as Washington's Birthday shall be referred to by that name and no other by all entities and officials of the United States Government" and requested "that the President issue a proclamation each year recognizing the anniversary of the birth of President Abraham Lincoln and calling upon the people of the United States to observe such anniversary with appropriate ceremonies and activities," but it failed to clear subcommittee and died without ever being voted upon.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: ofst; presidentsday; silliness; washington
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
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1 posted on 02/17/2012 7:01:36 AM PST by Lucky9teen
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To: Lucky9teen

Woohoo!! It’s Friday!!!!


2 posted on 02/17/2012 7:02:00 AM PST by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: Lucky9teen

In !!!


3 posted on 02/17/2012 7:02:48 AM PST by 21stCenturion ("It's the Judges, Stupid !")
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To: 21stCenturion

!


4 posted on 02/17/2012 7:04:13 AM PST by archaicoldschool (.)
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...






CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST


5 posted on 02/17/2012 7:04:28 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: 21stCenturion
AC/DC Does the Hokey Pokey - A Must See

The Hokey Pokey Like You've Never Seen Before
6 posted on 02/17/2012 7:04:53 AM PST by Scythian
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To: Lucky9teen
TOP TEN - IN!
7 posted on 02/17/2012 7:05:00 AM PST by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 10?


8 posted on 02/17/2012 7:11:10 AM PST by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: Rummyfan

9 posted on 02/17/2012 7:11:40 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: JRios1968

Top 10 unless others are posting at the same time I am. And it’s already 10:00!


10 posted on 02/17/2012 7:12:12 AM PST by Shimmer1 (No matter how cynical I get, I just can't keep up.)
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To: Lucky9teen

TOP TEN!!!


11 posted on 02/17/2012 7:12:51 AM PST by Monkey Face (Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!)
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To: Lucky9teen

12 posted on 02/17/2012 7:16:14 AM PST by Liberty Valance (Keep a simple manner for a happy life :o)
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To: Scythian

Well, now ... THERE is one neglected niche in my life I NEVER expected to be filled.

There are no words I can IMAGINE to express just how ‘special’ an experience that was.

Can I EVER thank you ?

Not in THIS life, I’m sure ...

Regards,

21stCenturion


13 posted on 02/17/2012 7:16:30 AM PST by 21stCenturion ("It's the Judges, Stupid !")
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To: Shimmer1
Top 10 unless others are posting at the same time I am


14 posted on 02/17/2012 7:17:17 AM PST by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: Monkey Face

NOT!


15 posted on 02/17/2012 7:17:51 AM PST by Monkey Face (Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!)
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To: Lucky9teen
The problem with public housing is that the residents are not the owners. The people who live in the house did not earn the house, but were merely loaned the property by the actual owners, the taxpayers. Because of this, the residents do not have the "pride of ownership" that comes with the hard work necessary to become owners. In fact, quite the opposite happens. The residents resent their benefactors, because the very house is a constant reminder that they themselves have not earned the right to live in the house. They neither appreciate the value of the property nor understand the need to maintain or respect it in any way. The result is the same, whether one is talking about either a studio apartment or a magnificent mansion full of priceless antiques. If the people who live there do not feel they've earned the privilege of occupancy, they will make this obvious through their actions. SO, HERE'S A MESSAGE FROM THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA: Mr. Obama, you're not in a hut in Kenya or Indonesia, or in Chicago public housing. You're in the White House, Barry, property of the people of the United States. With all due respect, get your @#%* feet off our furniture..!
16 posted on 02/17/2012 7:19:43 AM PST by sunny48
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AS LONG AS YOU'RE HANGING AROUND ANYWAY,
COULD YOU HELP OUT WITH THE FREEPATHON?



Click the Pic


Support Free Republic

17 posted on 02/17/2012 7:20:01 AM PST by deoetdoctrinae (Gun-free zones are playgrounds for felons)
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To: Lucky9teen

In honor of Presidents Day here in the United States, I offer up America's Most Wanted Painting. This painting was scientifically assembled in 1994 after asking 1,001 American adults what they most enjoy in a painting. The color blue, realistic landscapes, historical figures, wildlife, and happy families scored very high. Hey, you can't argue with poll numbers.

18 posted on 02/17/2012 7:25:49 AM PST by Liberty Valance (Keep a simple manner for a happy life :o)
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To: sunny48

ok this isn’t silly but an observation..

In Muslim culture it is an insult to show another the bottoms of your shoes or feet.

I just wonder if this is his way of insulting us?

Back to your regularly scheduled silliness.


19 posted on 02/17/2012 7:31:05 AM PST by Rightly Biased (Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?)
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To: Lucky9teen

Let the silliness begin!!


20 posted on 02/17/2012 7:32:05 AM PST by wyokostur
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To: wyokostur

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’ ‘98,’ she replied...
‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old :
‘And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?’ the reporter asked..
Answer: No peer pressure.’

The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license..

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker..

These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.’


21 posted on 02/17/2012 7:36:20 AM PST by sunny48
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To: Rightly Biased

Very good observation.


22 posted on 02/17/2012 7:37:53 AM PST by sunny48
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To: Liberty Valance

Very Happy President's Day!

23 posted on 02/17/2012 7:39:07 AM PST by Liberty Valance (Keep a simple manner for a happy life :o)
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To: Liberty Valance

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about
thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began
hoisting the little boy’s up one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but
notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was
staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the 4th grade.”

“No ma’am, “ he replied. “I’m the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.”


24 posted on 02/17/2012 7:41:19 AM PST by sunny48
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To: Rightly Biased

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River . He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps...


25 posted on 02/17/2012 7:43:28 AM PST by sunny48
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To: Lucky9teen
There's an elementary school three blocks up a busy street from my house. Until this year the kids on my side of the busy street were not in the school's district. My daughter (who is 11) had to walk 4 blocks to get on a school bus to take her to a school a couple of miles away.

Until two years ago there was a school zone speed limit with signs and flashing lights on that busy street. Then the city decided since no kids crossed that street the school zone was not needed. the signs and flashing lights came down.

At the end of last school year the city closed the school she was attending, and placed us in the district for the school three blocks away.

New signs went up on the busy street. Tiny signs. No flashing lights. And the kids are NOT allowed to cross the busy street. No crossing guards, even though there is a crosswalk right in front of the school with mounts for traffic signals hanging over it.

My daughter now walks four blocks to catch a school bus to take her across the street to a school three blocks away.

And the other day when I walked down to the school to get her I was told that I could cross that street but she couldn't. My reply? I told them that I signed her out, so she was my responsibility now, not theirs.

This is in Norfolk, VA. The city that had middle school students back in the 90’s walk to a school in the north end of town and get on a bus that took them all the way downtown to a school near the projects. And had the gall to state that they didn't bus students to achieve racial equality.

Sorry about the rant. I go look for some silliness now.

26 posted on 02/17/2012 7:44:09 AM PST by fredhead (Vegetarian - Old Indian word for poor hunter.)
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To: sunny48

We should also include Ronald Reagan in celebrating the February President’s Birthdays - maybe when Newt gets in as President he’ll change it to the 2nd Monday in February - I think I’ll send a note over today to that effect!


27 posted on 02/17/2012 7:45:35 AM PST by princess leah
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To: Lucky9teen

28 posted on 02/17/2012 7:47:02 AM PST by sunny48
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To: All

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge,
so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want
to miss an opportunity either,
so he asked... “Well, before you jump why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So she does... And it was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best
kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could
be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl........”.
The authorities think she may have been pushed.


29 posted on 02/17/2012 7:50:39 AM PST by sunny48
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To: Lucky9teen

As You Slide Down the Bannister of Life in 2012— Remember.....

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It’s called ....... ‘Ministers Do More Than Lay People’

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,
well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

11. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...

12. POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.


30 posted on 02/17/2012 7:50:52 AM PST by fredhead (Vegetarian - Old Indian word for poor hunter.)
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To: 21stCenturion

It’s good to know I helped you reach the top of Maslow’s hierarchy of fullfillment ...


31 posted on 02/17/2012 7:54:55 AM PST by Scythian
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To: Lucky9teen

HOW TO START A FIGHT...
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmasgift...

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered. I then said,

‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is
terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.’

I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’

So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

That’s how the fight started


32 posted on 02/17/2012 7:55:43 AM PST by fredhead (Vegetarian - Old Indian word for poor hunter.)
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To: Rightly Biased

My thought also.


33 posted on 02/17/2012 7:57:06 AM PST by Vinnie
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To: Lucky9teen

DRAGGING A DEER...
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”

“Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.

CALL THE POLICE...
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
Up To bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden
Shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
Door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed
Stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”
He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
Stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said “ Al l patrols are busy. You should lock
Your doors and an officer will be along when one is available..”

George said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again..

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
Stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don’t have to worry about them
Now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right
Now” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence,
And caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

SPEEDING TICKET...
Getting out of a Ticket

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.


34 posted on 02/17/2012 7:58:43 AM PST by fredhead (Vegetarian - Old Indian word for poor hunter.)
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To: sunny48

Thank you for my first lol of the day!


35 posted on 02/17/2012 8:00:21 AM PST by Silentgypsy (If this creature is not stopped it could make its way to Novosibirsk!)
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To: Lucky9teen

THINGS SOUTHERN BOYS DON’T SAY...
31. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.

30. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.

29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won’t fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken

26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

25. You can’t feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We’re vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

8. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.

4. I don’t have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA!


36 posted on 02/17/2012 8:00:52 AM PST by fredhead (Vegetarian - Old Indian word for poor hunter.)
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To: Lucky9teen

One more......

Sex and Good grammar.....
Sex And Good Grammar

On his birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.The old Indian handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
“How do I stop the medicine from working?” “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join
him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, my friends, is why we should never end
our sentences with a preposition , because we
could end up with a dangling participle .


37 posted on 02/17/2012 8:03:52 AM PST by fredhead (Vegetarian - Old Indian word for poor hunter.)
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To: Lucky9teen

OK - how’d you cut and paste from Snopes? ... surely, you didn’t type that whole thing!


38 posted on 02/17/2012 8:07:28 AM PST by Baynative (Please check this out - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFIcZkEzc8I)
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To: sunny48

My son showed me that the other day. Makes me think of the ten rules for dating my daughter... (I’m glad I don’t have a daughter)...

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my pneumatic nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


39 posted on 02/17/2012 8:08:34 AM PST by r-q-tek86 ("It doesn't matter how smart you are if you don't stop and think" - Dr. Sowell)
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To: Liberty Valance

1990s cartoon, the Animaniacs teaches us about the Presidents...and yes as you’d guess it only gets up to
Bubba and the Hildebeast.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vvy0wRLD5s8


40 posted on 02/17/2012 8:13:06 AM PST by raccoonradio
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To: sunny48; Allegra
It’s scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker..

Considering the stuff I put down my gullet, not scary at all......when I pop off a poot I simply remind wifey that laundry day really isn't that far off....

41 posted on 02/17/2012 8:18:59 AM PST by ErnBatavia (Carterize Obama in November)
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To: raccoonradio

“and the press will distort everything you say......”

How true!!


42 posted on 02/17/2012 8:33:44 AM PST by fredhead (Vegetarian - Old Indian word for poor hunter.)
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To: ErnBatavia

43 posted on 02/17/2012 8:35:46 AM PST by fredhead (Vegetarian - Old Indian word for poor hunter.)
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To: r-q-tek86

A SLOW JOKE...
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.
When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the
cowboy, ‘Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed
one seat.’

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The
usher became more impatient: ‘Sir,
if you don’t get up from there I’m going to
have to call the manager.’

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The
usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the
manager. Together the two of
them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy,
but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas
Ranger surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, ‘All right buddy what’s
your name?’

‘Fred,’ the cowboy moaned.

‘Where ya from, Fred?’ asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without
moving a muscle, Fred said
.....................

‘...the balcony...’


44 posted on 02/17/2012 8:40:48 AM PST by fredhead (Vegetarian - Old Indian word for poor hunter.)
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To: Lucky9teen

WHEN YOU GET OLDER...
Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run—anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask,”did I wake you?”

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15.. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Most importantly, never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


45 posted on 02/17/2012 8:47:08 AM PST by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Here’s a problem I recently faced caused by getting older.

I wear glasses with progressive lenses. I cannot focus on anything at any distance without them.

I also on occasion have to work on the local shipyards, where I’m required to wear safety shoes, hard hat, and safety glasses with side shields.

So last year I had my prescription glasses made as safety glasses. They have detachable side shields.

So I went to the shipyard last week, had the side shields in my pocket. Got there and realized a problem.........

I COULDN’T SEE TO INSTALL THEM ON MY GLASSES!!!!!


46 posted on 02/17/2012 8:53:27 AM PST by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other.

http://bit.ly/d282V0

47 posted on 02/17/2012 9:09:28 AM PST by unique1
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To: Lucky9teen
A young Native American boy asked his father, "All of the non-Indian kids on school have really short names. Why are ours so long?"

"Well," his father said, "your mother and I decided to give our children names that would remind us of the night they were conceived.

"On the night your brother was conceived, it was stormy, the sky filled with lightning and thunder. On a bluff, we saw a wolf howling in the rain. So we named your brother 'Wolf-Who-Sings-With-the-Thunder.'

"When your sister was conceived, we were camped beside a quiet lake, watching the moon. So we named her 'Full-Moon-Shining-on-Still Water.'"

"Oh," said the boy. "Hope I didn't bother you with all my questions."

"Not at all," replied his father, "That's how you learn, Large-Defective-Condom-Made-in-China."

48 posted on 02/17/2012 9:10:42 AM PST by dorothy ( "When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty." - Thomas Jefferson)
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To: dorothy

MEDICAL ALERT...
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you get WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or all of these three antidotes - Really Urgent Medicine (RUM), Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


49 posted on 02/17/2012 9:33:24 AM PST by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: Lucky9teen

50 posted on 02/17/2012 9:33:50 AM PST by Lady Jag (Laws are spider webs through which the big flies pass and the little ones get caught)
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