Skip to comments.(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)
Posted on 03/09/2012 4:35:26 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Try to stay calm.
Take a deep breath.
For today is Panic Day.
Can you handle today?
Good, I was worried for a moment.
Hopefully, everything is going just swell in your life, and you have no need for this day.
But, if problems and troubles are looming, try to hold off hitting the panic button until this day arrives.
Don't worry. Don't fret. and, above all, don't panic. However, if ever there was a day to panic, today is that day.
As you get through this unsettling day, you have another day to worry about.......International Panic Day.
Top 20 ways to get the most out of Panic Day:
1) You are definitely encouraged to loudly proclaim, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more!" Or, run around wildly and proclaim , "I'm stressed, I'm stressed and I can't take it any more!"
2) Megaphones are allowed, but its even better if you can exercise your natural lung power, breathing very fully and deeply for a great big, cathartic shout.
3) We encourage employees everywhere to fill their companys suggestion box with the request for a sound proof, padded room. Thus, Panic Day and any other occasion that requires loud, ridiculous behavior can be celebrated discreetly.
4) If, like most of us, you are without a sound proof, padded room, then be bold, be assertive, and take a stand by the water cooler, swearing not to budge until things get better..
5) Stay in bed all day. But first, get up, brush your teeth, head to the kitchen and load up on snacks and drinks. Make sure you have lots of fluffy pillows to hide your head under.
6) Get up and go jogging or swimming or bike riding.
7) Phone in well. Call your boss and tell him or her that you feel too darn good to come in to work today, even though its a fib. That way you wont appear to be a victim.
8) Go to work way over-dressed. Wear a tux or a prom gown, and, when asked what its about, simply reply, I have an engagement later on. Keep em guessing.
9) Call the local TV station and tell them youre going to run for President and that youre holding a news conference at your house at noon.
10) Go the animal shelter and adopt a dog or cat.
11) Attempt to dye your hair in a checkerboard pattern.
12) Head for the toy store and buy as many toy soldiers as you can and come home and conduct a war in your living room.
13) Mix up a couple bottles full of food coloring and water and go out and write wacky things on the snow.
14) Call the Y and try to convince the pool manager that the pool should be filled with lime yogurt.
15) Start a new religion.
16) Put red dots all over your face and go food shopping.
17) Go the shore and walk the beach, or go to the mountains and climb a large hill.
18) Stand on one foot in the middle of a large mall, waving your arms up and down and proclaim, Im a bad bad birdie, Im a bad bad birdie.
19) Go to a Senior Center and sit down and have a chat with some nice older person.
20) Contact the local fire company and ask if you can come over and help wash a fire truck.
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
IN A LAUNDROMAT Automatic Washing Machines: Please Remove All Your Clothes When The Light Goes Out
IN A MEMPHIS DEPARTMENT STORE Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE Would The Person Who Took The Step Ladder Yesterday Please Bring It Back Or Further Steps Will Be Taken
IN AN OFFICE After Coffee Break Staff Should Empty The Coffee Pot And Stand Upside Down On The Draining Board
OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP We Exchange Anything - Bicycles, Washing Machines, Etc. Why Not Bring Your Wife Along And Get A Wonderful Bargain?
NOTICE IN HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW Closed Due To Illness
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE For Anyone Who Has Children And Doesnt Know It, There Is A Day Care On The 1st Floor
NOTICE IN A FARMERS FIELD The Farmer Allows Walkers To Cross The Field For Free, But The Bull Charges.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET If You Cannot Read, This Leaflet Will Tell You How To Get Lessons
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR We Can Repair Anything. (Please Knock Hard On The Door - The Bell Doesnt Work)
Happy Friday, Lucky9teen!
I’ve never managed to be IBTP before on OFST! ;-P
I wonder if he prefers shaved man legs?
Oh no, I panicked yesterday. I can’t do it 2 days in a row!
O x y m o r o n s
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand On the watch Called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, How would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, Where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” Mean the same thing?
8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” When we are already there?
10. Why are they called “ stands” When they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called “after dark” When it really is “after light”?
12.. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” Make the unexpected expected?
13.. Why are a “wise man” and A “wise guy” opposites?
14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” Mean opposite things?
15. Why is “phonics” Not spelled The way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, Why do they have to pay you to do it?
17.. If all the world is a stage, Where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, Why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed And have dyslexia, Can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular And panties plural?
21.. Why do you press harder On the buttons of a remote control When you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags And garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated Is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
25.. Why doesn’t glue Stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set When you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year Do you sit in front of a dead tree And eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway?
I dunno, why do we?
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming. But he didnt recognize her at all. She read his _expression, assumed shed made a mistake, and said; I’m sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and she left the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is the world coming to? She can’t keep track of who fathers her children!”
Then he got a little panicky. He didnt remember her, but, MAYBE hed met her during one of the wild parties he used to go to. He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party and had sex with on the pool table in front of everyone?”
“No”, she said with a horrified look on her face. “I’m your son’s third grade teacher!”
"Lt. Kenda smells a rat...."
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!! ping
Reminds me of when we had the wind storm that knocked out power in Dayton, Ohio area for days. They had a city council person on one of the talk radio stations. She was in full panic mode and said, "If your power is out, please go to our website for updates!"
Q: What do you call a Mexican on a riding lawnmower?
A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her... “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”
Of note National Panic day is in Womens Month....
A redneck taped toilet paper to his television.
He said, “Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!”
A Georgia state trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to
the driver, “Got any I.D.?” and the driver replies “Bout wut?”
Redneck Medical Dictionary
Rednecks have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously
You are going to die anyway, so live life
Medical Term Redneck Definition
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Benign - What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor’s cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumour - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you’re out
I tell Mrs. Biased that
and she just frowns at me...
I don’t know why?
A - Mexican Bagpipes....
“23. How come abbreviated Is such a long word?”
For that matter, why is monosyllabic such a long word?
Arrh! The Sea Hag!
Arrh! The Sea Hag!
Thanks dragonblustar— I can’t stop chuckling over that one! :)
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