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(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

Posted on 06/08/2012 5:41:29 AM PDT by Lucky9teen



1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.



6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’



22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: ofst; puns; silliness
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They had a smoked salmon fundraising lunch for the President at which he gave a speech. It was sold out–lox, talk and Barry O.




1 posted on 06/08/2012 5:41:43 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
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To: Lucky9teen
#1
2 posted on 06/08/2012 5:42:27 AM PDT by starlifter (Pullum sapit)
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To: Lucky9teen

No way yes!


3 posted on 06/08/2012 5:42:27 AM PDT by NietzschesJoker (Silence, exile, cunning--a few of my favorite things.)
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To: Lucky9teen

IBTP??


4 posted on 06/08/2012 5:43:20 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: starlifter

D’oh! Aargh. I thought for sure I had it. Ha! This is silly.


5 posted on 06/08/2012 5:44:04 AM PDT by NietzschesJoker (Silence, exile, cunning--a few of my favorite things.)
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TOP TEN!


6 posted on 06/08/2012 5:44:27 AM PDT by RandallFlagg (Look for the union label, then buy elsewhere.)
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To: Lucky9teen
TOP TEN!!!!
7 posted on 06/08/2012 5:44:49 AM PDT by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
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To: Lucky9teen

IBTP!

Happy Friday to all. Thanks Lucky9Teen for doing this thread.


8 posted on 06/08/2012 5:45:16 AM PDT by kevinm13 (Tim Geithner is a tax cheat. Manmade "Global Warming" is a HOAX!)
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To: starlifter

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TGIF!!!


9 posted on 06/08/2012 5:53:29 AM PDT by Currentriverrat (People are calling our President the Fresh Prince of Bill Ayers, that's not allowed is it?)
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To: Lucky9teen

In!


10 posted on 06/08/2012 5:54:07 AM PDT by acad1228 (Palin/Watts in 2012!!!)
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To: acad1228

I had to change that tagline.


11 posted on 06/08/2012 5:55:18 AM PDT by acad1228 (OKC Thunder!!!!)
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...

Clearly


It's time for the


CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST


12 posted on 06/08/2012 5:56:19 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: Lucky9teen

Now this is a really fun post! :-)
way2go


13 posted on 06/08/2012 5:59:02 AM PDT by Bobalu (It is not obama we are fighting, it is the media.)
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To: Bobalu

14 posted on 06/08/2012 6:07:09 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: Lucky9teen

There are three types of people in the world.

Those that can count and those that can’t.


15 posted on 06/08/2012 6:15:02 AM PDT by fruser1
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To: fruser1

16 posted on 06/08/2012 6:16:53 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: Lucky9teen
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

See.... a hydrogen atom has a positively charged proton and a negatively charged electron... together producing a neutral atom. If the electron is lost leaving only the proton, the atom becomes positively charged. Get it ? You're welcome.

17 posted on 06/08/2012 6:19:46 AM PDT by layman (Card Carrying Infidel)
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To: Lucky9teen
"That was real funny," said Tom superciliously.

Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)

LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)

18 posted on 06/08/2012 6:23:53 AM PDT by LonePalm (Commander and Chef)
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To: Lucky9teen

Stephen Wright: “The other day I walked into a crowded firehouse and yelled “MOVIE!”


19 posted on 06/08/2012 6:26:10 AM PDT by Loud Mime (Defeat Obama. Everything else is secondary)
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To: starlifter
Bubba The Baptist ..

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and, since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass and, as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood once again.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish!"

20 posted on 06/08/2012 6:36:24 AM PDT by N. Theknow (Kennedys=Can't drive, can't ski, can't fly, can't skipper a boat, but they know what's best for you.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Hahahaha! The girl at the door is astoundingly stupid and that makes it just as silly! Who doesn’t know how sliding doors work? She must have been raised by wolves and just integrated to society!


21 posted on 06/08/2012 6:36:47 AM PDT by CSM (Keeper of the Dave Ramsey Ping list. FReepmail me if you want your beeber stuned.)
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To: Lucky9teen

She was just a stable hand’s daughter, but all the horsemen knew her. (say it fast)


22 posted on 06/08/2012 6:48:36 AM PDT by Oatka (This is America. Assimilate or evaporate.)
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To: Lucky9teen; Slings and Arrows; Lady Jag; Salamander

†Ħℑϟ ℐϟ ϟѺ ℱℛ€ѦḰℐИḠ $ℐℒℒẎ‼‼❣

23 posted on 06/08/2012 6:51:17 AM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: N. Theknow

LOL!! That one is getting emailed out!


24 posted on 06/08/2012 6:55:48 AM PDT by MissTed ( Private Tagline - Do Not Read!)
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To: Lucky9teen

IN! Before the end...

:o])


25 posted on 06/08/2012 6:59:41 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Be yourself. Everyone else is taken!)
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To: martin_fierro

Too precious!


26 posted on 06/08/2012 7:03:49 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: fruser1

27 posted on 06/08/2012 7:04:57 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: All


Think about it...

....Dominoes!
28 posted on 06/08/2012 7:05:02 AM PDT by Squidpup ("Fight the Good Fight")
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To: Lucky9teen

29 posted on 06/08/2012 7:06:46 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: LonePalm

30 posted on 06/08/2012 7:08:07 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: Squidpup

31 posted on 06/08/2012 7:09:54 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: kevinm13

32 posted on 06/08/2012 7:11:44 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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PUNS

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

33 posted on 06/08/2012 7:13:37 AM PDT by Heartlander (You are either the doer, or the dude)
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To: martin_fierro

34 posted on 06/08/2012 7:15:18 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: Lucky9teen

35 posted on 06/08/2012 7:15:18 AM PDT by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (To criticize the government is to speak blasphemy against a liberal's god.)
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To: ZirconEncrustedTweezers

36 posted on 06/08/2012 7:17:13 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: Lucky9teen
If the world were a logical place,

men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

37 posted on 06/08/2012 7:18:17 AM PDT by tomkow6 (...................TOMKOW6 ! The ONLY voice of reason & sanity in a chaotic Canteen!...............)
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To: martin_fierro; Slings and Arrows

OMG...what have I done?

Now I’m getting “kitteh” pings.

8^O

[it’s just *one* cat! I can quit anytime I want to!!!!]


38 posted on 06/08/2012 7:24:31 AM PDT by Salamander
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There are signs showing not everyone
has lost their sense of humor
in these sometimes troubled times:

***************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
***************

In a Podiatrist's Office:
"Time wounds all heels."
***************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
***************

On a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "
***************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
***************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
***************

On a Church's Billboard:
" 7 days without God makes one weak."
***************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
***************

At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
***************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.."
***************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
***************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
***************

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
***************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
***************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
***************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet? - Miss a car payment."
***************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
***************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
***************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
***************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
***************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.."
***************

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
***************

At a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
***************

On the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"


39 posted on 06/08/2012 7:26:20 AM PDT by Heartlander (You are either the doer, or the dude)
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To: Lucky9teen

bump


40 posted on 06/08/2012 7:26:59 AM PDT by LachlanMinnesota
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To: Lucky9teen

Re: The Star Trek poster......

I always heard, “It’s the Captain’s Log, let HIM flush it.”


41 posted on 06/08/2012 7:35:34 AM PDT by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: Heartlander
Not a pun, but silly:

Due to the high cost of ammunition, there will be no warning shots!

42 posted on 06/08/2012 7:36:52 AM PDT by Loud Mime (Defeat Obama. Everything else is secondary)
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To: Lucky9teen

Oh, this thread is gonna be punny!


A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”


43 posted on 06/08/2012 7:39:02 AM PDT by al_c (http://www.blowoutcongress.com)
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To: al_c

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.


44 posted on 06/08/2012 7:46:08 AM PDT by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Did you hear about the two cannibals who passed their friend on the street?


45 posted on 06/08/2012 7:49:44 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Be yourself. Everyone else is taken!)
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To: Monkey Face

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.


46 posted on 06/08/2012 7:54:58 AM PDT by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Gandhi tended to walk around barefoot over rough roads, rocks, etc. Also, due to his religious beliefs, he ate no meat which often left him weak. And, a lack of proper oral hygiene gave him frequent bad breath. Alas, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


47 posted on 06/08/2012 8:20:39 AM PDT by tnlibertarian
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To: Monkey Face

Q: What did the cannibal do when he didn’t like his neighbor?
A: He scraped him off his plate.


48 posted on 06/08/2012 8:20:38 AM PDT by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (To criticize the government is to speak blasphemy against a liberal's god.)
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To: fredhead

bad puns:
What’s the difference between a TV station van and the car Ted K drove at Chappaquiddick? One’s a newsmobile, one’s an
Oldsmobile.

A married man was having an affair with a woman named Joyce. He did still kinda love his wife though and wondered, “Should I be pro-wife or pro-Joyce?”

jokes from my elderly Dad:
A teacher was telling her students it was time for the class photo. Some kids weren’t too crazy about it. “Oh, years from now you can look back at it and say here’s so and so,
who’s now a lawyer. Here’s so and so, who now owns a restaurant.” One kid said, “Yeah, and we can say here’s
Teacher...and now she’s dead.”

So they take the class picture and they noticed one Italian-American kid whose mouth seems to be making an “O” shape.
“Why did you do that?”—”They said, ‘say cheese’ and I said ‘provolone’.”


49 posted on 06/08/2012 8:22:46 AM PDT by raccoonradio
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To: Lucky9teen

I was in a ticket line at a train station where the girl at the counter was rather largely endowed.

I heard the guy in front of me say “I’d like two pickets to Titsburg.” He turned very red and was obviously anxious over the remark but the girl at the counter just laughed it off.

I couldn’t help myself to want to help him overcome his embarrasment so I said to him “Hey, don’t worry man. I do that kind of thing all the time.”

“Just this morning at breakfast I was going to ask my wife ‘Please pass the butter and jam’ but instead I said ‘You stupid b***h you ruined my life!’”.


50 posted on 06/08/2012 8:31:32 AM PDT by fruser1
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