They had a smoked salmon fundraising lunch for the President at which he gave a speech. It was sold out–lox, talk and Barry O.
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Re: The Star Trek poster......
I always heard, “It’s the Captain’s Log, let HIM flush it.”
Oh, this thread is gonna be punny!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Did you hear about the two cannibals who passed their friend on the street?
Gandhi tended to walk around barefoot over rough roads, rocks, etc. Also, due to his religious beliefs, he ate no meat which often left him weak. And, a lack of proper oral hygiene gave him frequent bad breath. Alas, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I was in a ticket line at a train station where the girl at the counter was rather largely endowed.
I heard the guy in front of me say “I’d like two pickets to Titsburg.” He turned very red and was obviously anxious over the remark but the girl at the counter just laughed it off.
I couldn’t help myself to want to help him overcome his embarrasment so I said to him “Hey, don’t worry man. I do that kind of thing all the time.”
“Just this morning at breakfast I was going to ask my wife ‘Please pass the butter and jam’ but instead I said ‘You stupid b***h you ruined my life!’”.
Thanks to Obamas’ miracle....
I am able to walk again... They just repossessed my car...
_____
The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year...
The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.
I decided we would have an election for a class president.
We would choose our nominees... They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.
To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.
We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.
We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.
The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.
I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.
I had never seen Olivia’s mother.
The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.
Jamie went first.
He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better
place. He ended by promising to do his very best.
Everyone applauded and he sat down.
Now it was Olivia’s turn to speak.
Her speech was concise.She said, “If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream.” She sat down.
The class went wild. “Yes! Yes! We want ice cream.”
She surely would say more. She did not have to.
A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn’t sure. But no one pursued that question. They took her at her word.
Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it....She didn’t know.
The class really didn’t care. All they were thinking about was ice cream...
Jamie was forgotten.. Olivia won by a landslide.
Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 51.4 % of the people reacted like nine year olds.
They want ice cream.
The other 48.6% percent know they’re going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess.
_____
MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
‘Yes, Nurse Tracy,’ said Mr. Wallace.
‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
little crazy, she replied,
‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
Please accept my condolences.’
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy.
‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’
‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died.’
‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?’
‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’
Seeing the Queen, Charles and Camilla this week, I am reminded of a story I heard about Camilla and Charles’s wedding night I heard a few years ago.
It seems that Camilla was quite sensitive to being compared - fashion wise - to the late Princess Diana. So for her wedding day to Charles, she orders a really magnificent dress and matching shoes that are intended to end that comparison.
The dress is fitted and it arrives just in the nick of time, the day of the wedding, with the shoes that perfectly match the color of the dress. The only problem is that the wrong size shoes were sent. They are 1/2 size too small and it is too late to make an exchange as the shoe’s color was custom matched to the dress. Determined to make her fashion statement, Camilla decides to wear the shoes just the same, thinking they might stretch out a bit during the day.
It’s a lovely ceremony, the day’s weather sunny and warm. However with the warm day and being on her feet for hours (the poor thing), Camilla’s feet swell. As the day wears on, the shoes get tighter and tighter. By the time the formal reception ends, poor Camilla is in agony but pleased with the comments she’s received on her wedding outfit. It’s all been worth it.
A honeymoon is planned but after such a long day, the newlyweds retire to Buckingham for a fresh start in the morning. Their palace suite is right next door to the Queen’s and Phillip’s. As Camilla and Charles are readying for bed, Camilla asked Charles to help her remove her shoes, which by this time, were quite impossible to remove.
As Charles tugs and tugs on her shoes, Phillip can hear the some effort through the wall but does not know what exactly is going on. His imagination is running wild so he gets a water glass and eaves drop on the love birds.
“Oh Charles! Be ever so kind, don’t hurt me”, says Camilla. Phillip hears this and turns to the Queen and winks a proud father’s wink. Now onto the second shoe. “Charles, one more. And much harder this time. The first one wasn’t as bad as I imagined. You were masterful.”, Camilla says. Hearing that, Phillip winks at the Queen again.
Seeing that shoe number two was stuck worse than shoe number one, Charles replies, “Perhaps I should try it from the rear this time, my love.” The proud Phillip again turns to the Queen and says, “That’s my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man !!”
*bump*
The silliness thread is here! The silliness thread is here!
Two elderly alternative lifestylers were seated at the kitchen table having dinner when one looks at the other and says, “Vera, I’m going to be frank with you tonight.” The other waits a thoughtful moment and then responds, “Okay, but I get to be Frank tomorrow night.”
I went my first horse race the other day. Magnificent horses and tons of great looking people to see. One lady seated next to me, especially so.
As a race was nearing, the announcer would announce the horses running in it and any changes, called “scratches”. I liked all the horses’ names. So clever. There was Lucky Gal, Defender, Harass and so forth.
In this one race, the announcer advised “In today’s next race, please scratch Harass”.
Off the horses went in a cloud of dust and that’s when I got slapped
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot. The young family’s 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a five dollar bill.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay packet at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week”.
“My goodness gracious”, said the clerk, “and will you be working on the house again this week too”?
“I will if those worthless b@$t@rd$ at the pi$$ing lumber yard ever send us some f**king wood”, replied the little girl.
I once had a job at a fire hydrant manufacturing company. I couldn’t park anywhere near the place.....