You just hold onto a patriarchal view of sexuality that comes from puritanical American theocratic male dominated culture.
Sex is a birthright to be shared with anyone and everyone. Free love. If you hold it to yourself you are stingy and frigid and have problems, man.
The argument against abstinence is NOT that it doesn’t work. It’s that it is a suppression of sexual desire. All moral judgments over sexual relations should end!
Celebrate the orgasm. Ignore that “ring” and monogamy vow. If someone is in a relationship, but willing, go for it. Why draw the line at people who aren’t related? Sometimes you have a hot cousin. Same goes for members of the same sex.
NOTE: All of the above was playing devil’s advocate, making the arguments of the sex positive libertine Left. And it leaves behind a trail of human debris. But it is what they are after.
A lot of your “satire” was previously written by Karl Marx. Of course, the people you mock are ardent believers in Marx’s teachings. However, most of them never heard of Marx.