Posted on 07/27/2012 5:57:47 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Obama is scheduled to speak at the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Nervous, he asks for a teleprompter.
On the day of the speech, he takes to the podium and starts, "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh."
An aide quickly rushes to his side and whispers, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is below that!"
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." –David Letterman
"Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien
"Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good." –Conan O'Brien
"At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it's 150,000. That's 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else." –Jimmy Kimmel
"How about those Olympic uniforms? They're made by Ralph Lauren and they're beautiful. They're colorful, they're odd. I mean they look like the cast of 'Glee.' They look like the entire navy of Monaco." –David Letterman
"President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president." –Jimmy Fallon
"Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?" –Jay Leno
"Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing." –Jay Leno
"Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets." –David Letterman
"Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform." –Jay Leno
"I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part." –Jay Leno
IN!
My wife left a note on the fridge:
“It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mom’s.”
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
Not quite sure what she was talking about.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve
found that a bacon sandwich works best!
____
Near my home in Texas , there is a large German-speaking population, a rancher walking down a country road notices a man using his right hand to drink water from the rancher’s stock pond.
The rancher shouted: ” Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.” Which means: (“Glad to meet you! Don’t drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it.”)
The man shouted back: “I’m from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama’s health care plan. I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.”
The rancher replied: “Use both hands. You’ll get more.”
_____
Not funny....
GE Moving from Wisconsin. Keep your eye on Waukesha, Wisconsin......Their biggest employer just moved out. General Electric is planning to move its 115-year-old X-ray division from Waukesha, Wis., to Beijing. In addition to moving the headquarters, the company will invest $2 billion in China and train more than 65 engineers and create six research centers. This is the same GE that made $5.1 billion in the United States last year, but paid no taxes - the same company that employs more people overseas than it does in the United States. So let me get this straight.
President Obama appointed GE Chairman Jeff Immelt to head his commission on job creation (job czar). Immelt is supposed to help create jobs. I guess the President forgot to tell him in which country he was supposed to be creating those jobs. Thanks Jeff, you’re a “real” American....give Barrack our Best!
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
___________________________________________
‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco
to New York City?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
___________________________________________
Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Joe: ‘Really?’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.
‘Oops!’
___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’
That there is just too damn sexy! Chics with guns rock!
The economy is so bad, rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.
The economy is so bad that I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, “What a coincidence! That’s just what we were going to ask you!”
The economy is so bad, I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
The economy is so bad, a picture is now only worth 200 words.
The economy is so bad I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.
The economy is so bad that I saw someone using the sun to get a tan!
It’s so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
I love that. LOL
Advice for short men:
Beware of tall women!
When you are toes to toes, your nose is in it
And when you are nose to nose, your toes are in it.
An aide quickly rushes to his side and whispers, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is below that!"
Her little red wagon has a small ladder tied to it, a hose coiled up inside, and her dog and cat tied to the front -- the dog, by its collar, and the cat by its tail.
"Nice fire truck you have there!", he says."But, it would go better if you tied the rope to the cat's collar, instead..."
"Thanks!", she replied... "But... what would I do for a siren?"
I made 5 deployments to the Mediterranean while in the Navy. One of the most beautiful women I saw overseas was a babe in Tel Aviv walking down the street with an Uzi slung from her shoulder.
You reminded me of the midget Indian that would fill his moccasins with sand whenever he passed gas. The only scalps he took either had a handle or a hole in the middle. He was finally kicked out of the tribe for always sticking his nose in everyone’s business.
LOL! You made me LOL! Loudly!
That’s exactly what the late Igor always told me!
LOL!
As always, Ben you are Spot-On! (er...)
;o])
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