Skip to comments.I don't need any advice, I'm just blowing off steam...
Posted on 07/27/2012 5:38:33 PM PDT by mamelukesabre
Here's the scenario:
Mom and Dad come to visit. Dad is not doing so well. Dementia has set in very rapidly over the last year and he's barely functional now. You can still get meaningful dialog with him if you are patient, slow, and interrupt him when he goes off on strange tangents. But its easy to confuse him by talking fast or being even a tiny bit confrontational. Also you have to leave certain topics alone for awhile and come back later after he's had time to let it sink in. If he answers a question too soon his answer won't make sense. But if you ask it again a few minutes later he will have a sensible response.
Mom never had to make any decisions. Dad always took care of everything. Now that Dad can't do it all for her, Mom suddenly thinks she's a big boss and is bossing everyone around...even me. Problem is she's not very good at making decisions. She's 70 plus and its too late for her to learn. She makes all the wrong decisions and keeps on doing it one after another.
Here's what happened when they came to visit me
There is a wolf dog (1/4 wolf, half husky, 1/4 german shepherd) that lives about 1/8th mile from me. It gets loose from time to time because the owner doesn't give a damn. I know him and have talked to him. He thinks dog fights are just a fact of life and dogs just get loose once in awhile. I don't put up with dogs running loose. My dog gets punished when it leaves my property only by 20 feet, which is extremely rare because she gets tied up if outside for more than 5 minutes.
Anyway, my parents are visiting and my dog is outside with them. Here comes the damn wolf dog. It gets close to my property and my dog gives the warning. Growling, snarling, etc. I instantly start running to tackle my dog. The wolf dog growls back. My dog charges and makes a beeline for the wolf dog. I change directions and I bolt for my truck, grab my gun and head for the dog fight about to happen. My dog is old(about 10years)but in good health and 50 lbs and that wolf dog is well over 100 lbs and in prime condition and age. No way in hell I'm going to stand there and watch my dog get chewed into pieces and no way in hell I'm tackling a 100+ pound wolf dog bare handed.
Then guess what happens?
My idiot mother decides she's in charge and runs out to get between the dogs. She's old and weak and petite and maybe 140lbs and none of it muscle. So far the dogs are not touching each other. They are just threatening from a short distance. A standoff I guess. It's only been maybe 2 seconds though and one or the other will initiate an attack at any moment. I know my dog. She has a very bad temper and attacks strange dogs on her turf if given a chance. As I sprint passed my mother I rack the slide on my handgun to make sure I got a round in the chamber and turn on the laser sights...and then my mother starts screaming at me.
"don't you dare shoot your dog, she's a good dog!" and tries to grab my arm.
At this point I decide my mother is just about as senile as my poor old dad, except at least my dad knows he's senile and shuts his mouth when he doesn't know what is going on around him.
A neighbor saw the whole commotion same time I did and he was sprinting towards the dogs yelling and waiving his hands and threw a big rock at the wolf dog...hit it real good too. He's about 6'6 and has long arms to really get a rock moving good. The wolf dog spun around and yelped. My dog lunged. The wolf dog dodged the lunge without even trying but decided rocks plus 3 crazy screaming humans running at it was too much. It took off running. My dog took off after it. The wolf dog was fast and was gone in a flash. The neighbor and I chased down my dog. The neighbor was faster than I and brought my dog back to me. He and my dog know each other very well and get along great.
But then the arguing started when I got back to my lunatic mother. Bad arguing. I know I shouldn't be reacting like this to a little old lady that happens to be my mother but i can't stand her anymore. She is a complete arrogant fool ever since she started being the boss. I'm sick of watching her bully my dad over stupid meaningless issues. I'm actually contemplating moving in with them and getting power of attorney. Or maybe buying a new house and making them move in with me. My dad wouldn't like leaving his home though. They are both nuts. But I have my own life to live and I don't want to sacrifice it just yet.
I know what is making my mom nuts. It is not being taken care of anymore. She isn't handling being the boss so good. She isn't cut out for it.
12 Gauge with rock salt
No one follows advice anymore, and if they do follow it they deserve everything that happens to them.
Dunno what to say except that this appears to be very similar to what my wife is experiencing right now. Dad out of it, Mom demanding bi-ch from hell.
I don’t have an answer, only empathy.
If he uses wasp spray on his mom, folks are going to talk...
You have my sympathy and my prayers for you and family. Good luck.
Give your parents all the love and patience you can, believe me when they are gone you will remember every sharp word spoken in haste.. forever.
I hope that you don’t read any comments people will post on here.
My mother is down right mean to everyone. She has to continually test our love. She is absolutely brutal with my Dad and he waits on her hand and foot. I know what you are going through.
My advice is don’t hold back. Be honest with what you say. Your mom will run over everyone if you don’t stand your ground.
My mistake was trying to stay above it all and let mom do and say whatever she wanted. I should have shut her down years ago and maybe Dad would have been treated better. No one in our family ever confronted my mom when she acted bad. Her grandchildren avoid her like the plague and she blames her sons and daughters-in-law for it.
Good luck. Turn off your computer because a whole bunch of self-righteous people are going to slam you hard.
Just remember those people are your parents and
all they have sacrificed for you.
I am not offering advice, only encouragement and prayers.
My own mother was well over 60 when my 92 year old grandmother had gotten dementia. Near the end it was like having a 160 pound baby who liked to sing Polish songs at 2AM ... badly.
It was seven years of sacrifice for her. Now she has passed on for about five years now, and I know theer are no regrets that she did the right thing.
P.S. This is not advice, but she did sell grandma’s house and got her moved against her wishes. No regrets there, either.
Don’t forget about that one still in the chamber.
No advice, just prayers and a good luck wish.
Sorry for the cross you must bear.
Your mom needs to understand she endangered herself by getting in the fray. She out herself physically at risk.
Sometimes we have to parent the parent.
Time for boundaries to be set, understood and adhered to—for Mom when she is by your house.
Dad is just trying to understand what is going on around him.
You are all in a tough situation.
From here, I am doing what I can-—praying for you and yours.
I don’t know your mom but I know a woman who fits that description. My advice would beb o get a big bucket from the colonel with the gravy, give it to her and invite the wolf dog back.
I'd never shoot my mom with that!
Gotta make sure your dog never gets loose, not even for a second. That's the only thing you can control. You have to react to the rest as best as you can.
Good thing God loves us so much.
Likewise no scold from this guy. I’ve been there/have the scars to prove it. Love them as best you can, while you still can.
so i don’t get it. nobody caught this on an iphone? nobody called 9/11? you didn’t get SWATted? You didn’t spend the weekend in the cooler?
Up to the time her illness was discovered, I was planning to divorce attributing her behavior to character, attitude or whatever. Once we found out there was a real pathology possibly causing it all, I put all hostility behind.
I am really sorry for the tough stuff you’re going through with your parents, and you have a right to be very concerned.
Now...on the other hand...
If you could only have seen what you wrote through the cinema screen on MY eye lids, you’d be laughing your a$$ off at the comedy of the non-emotional elements of the entire story.
That’s definitely a table story with the kids lol!
I had a dog much like yours and I’ve chased him down the road on more than one occasion as he slipped on by, and hot footed it after a canine trespasser. All he really wanted to do was nip the pooch on the shoulder as discipline. Wait a minute and he’d come prancing back, proudly displaying his new found friend.
The dog across the street however, (a different dog) was a wolf/akita combo who was actually my dog’s best friend. My dog would actually sit there and CALL that wolf to come over and play!
I tell you that because those are super smart dogs and you might actually be able to work with that dog since the neighbor is so lax..and diffuse the situation between the dogs.
It doesn’t do much for mom’s snarly temper, but more often than not, dogs are more agreeable than people are anyway!
You didn’t want advice, but you got it anyway lol!
Best of luck to you with both situations, and I’m very glad nobody got hurt in the scuffle.
Otherwise think about assisted living if they have the money.
My prayers are with you. It is a very difficult situation you are in. Being the “parent” with a parent is a nitemare frought with frustration cause they don’t want to be “parented”.
Its easy for people to say”JUst stay calm and try to keep control” but its is very, very , very hard.
If at all possible my only advice, if it is at all possible, talk with your dad’s doctor. Perhaps some mild medication might also help your mother calm the fears she has.
The other possibility which one adult son I know did was to get a counselor he knew to meet a few times with his father ( situation was reversed) so that his father had someone that wasn’t family to vent to and offer a little coping strategies to his father.
In any case, know that you are a good son for being there for your parents through this difficult time.
You said no advice, but my FRiend, you’re gonna get some. You WILL thank me for it later.
Do NOT...whatever you do...do NOT move in with your parents or have them move in with you. Your life will be a living hell. Let her boss dad around; from what you say he doesn’t really give a damn (I’m sorry; I truly don’t mean to sound cold to his condition, God bless him).
She’ll never willingly give you power of attorney or power of anything else. Let it run its course. It will be hard, and it will frustrate you to no end.....but please trust me.
Don’t do it. You have a life to live.
I am sorry this is happening to your family. Take care of them the best you can, then have no regrets because you cannot change who they are.
The way I handle stuff like this is just remember at least you have a slightly funny awful situation.
If your parents were shot but not dead in a theatre, you’d have a non-funny awful situation.
Perspective, man. It could be a lot worse.
A massive downburst weakened 4 huge trees in my yard and one fell on my pier and beam house. It’s like living on the Titanic until my landlord gets this thing cut. But there are people surfacing in the lake that the downburst ended, not just inconvenienced. Perspective.
I wrote the most valuable scribe that would have cured your problem in seconds...
Then I remembered your Title....
So I erased the most concise piece of brilliance I’ve ever written!!!
For his mother??
That seems to be the main subject.
As soon as you charge after your dog, she thinks you are there to back her up. Otherwise, I think you dog would not have gone outside of your property to go after the wolf dog. What happened next could only be described as chaos.
If it is not this incident, there will be other event(s) that would trigger something between you and your mother. Find sometime when both of you are calm, (i.e., watch some tv comedy show or movie that you both enjoy), then try to talk it out.
My dog gutted a schnauzer once. That’s why I got her free...many years ago. I’m the third owner and I got her just before her second birthday. She wupped a blue heeler every day for a month before gutting the schnauzer. Blue heelers are not weak and this one outweighed her by maybe 5 lbs. No little nip to the shoulder I promise. And no friends afterwards. I took her because I know how to control a dog like that. You have to be tougher than the dog. I’m proud to say my dog has never harmed another dog as long as i’ve owned her. there have been close calls though.
Good point. Of all the triggering events he was bound to get one way or another, this was the best and least-destructive one.
My husband passed away in Feb. from Alzheimer’s, so I understand what you are going through. I also understand that all dementia situations are different, so won’t advise you on how to react. However, your mother might be reacting to medications, particularly different types of heart meds. If she is on any kind of medication, google it or ask a doctor. If you can ‘fix’ her, she might be able to help with him. Good luck, and prayers your way.
You sound to me like someone who knows what to do when challenges present themselves and who learns from them.
So you don’t want advice or support, you just want to start a fight.
Prayers your way...sorry!
The neighbor saved the day. I’m so glad I did not have to shoot the gun. That would’ve brought cops and the cops would’ve been VERY confused once my idiot mother started running her fool mouth off. who knows what would’ve happened after that.
if that’s what you want
No, I have a demented co-worker (just became full-fledged) that I don’t know what to do about either.
You’re just going to have to ask for Grace in the matter. That’s what I’m doing.
Piss off yourself. You were about to shoot someone elses dog, off your property, because your dog attacked it. Your dog’s “territory” does not extend to the street outside your house. If you had shot that dog in the street, his owner could have sued you and won, and you might have faced criminal charges as well. You are lucky your mom stopped you and your neigbor intervened.
Read the first 6 words of your first post to this thread. Jerk.
I understand what you wrote here.
And you are right. ‘Pod.
Gosh and I thought you were going to tell us you shot your mom ...nah just joshing. It is tough when our parents get to the point that they aren’t functioning well. Glad you could vent here. Also glad you and your dog and your folks are okay. (Of course you could always shoot the neighbor....oh wait never mind)
Definitely tests the “until death.” I am in my 40s and working on my living will so my son will be prepared when the day comes.
I almost can't stand to be with my in-laws because all he does is says "what?" and all she does is scream at him.
It's really pretty sad.
Write it all down - it’s your masterpiece screenplay.