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(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

Posted on 09/07/2012 6:43:44 AM PDT by Lucky9teen

It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow. ~ Jay Leno

The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama. ~ Jay Leno

President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live. ~ Jay Leno

They announced today that they are moving President Obama's speech tomorrow night indoors, from the 74,000-seat stadium to a smaller venue due to the possibility of severe weather. See, apparently the campaign is concerned about this well-known weather phenomenon known as empty seats. ~ Jay Leno

Today, the Democrats added the word "God" to the official party platform. It's in the part that reads, "Did you see Michelle Obama's biceps. Oh, my God!" ~ Conan

There's a lot going on tonight. The first NFL game tonight, the Democratic National Convention, a new episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

Actually, President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4. ~ Jimmy Fallon"If you're a donor to President Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden – and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tomorrow night. And he'll also be at the convention." –David Letterman

"What a different four years makes. At the last Democratic Convention the theme was 'hope and change' this time it’s 'hope you don’t make a change.'" –Jay Leno

The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks. ~ Jay Leno

The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn't bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day. ~ Craig Ferguson

Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience. ~ Craig FergusonOn Saturday the White House released President Obama's personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That's how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he's drinking beer he made in his bathtub. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, “Eh, it’s OK.” ~ Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday sometime between 2 and 4." –Jimmy Fallonnnn

"The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks." –Jay Leno

"Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience." –Craig Ferguson

"I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?" –Craig Ferguson

"There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, 'Eh, it's OK.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it's Mitt Romney's dog." –Jay Leno

"The Democrats are getting ready for their convention in north Carolina. Or as they told Joe Biden, South Carolina." –Jay Leno

"Two California Democratic delegates have already been kicked out of convention for getting completely drunk. One passed out, the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn't a real member of Congress because he was buying his own drinks with his money." –Jay Leno  

"It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.'" —Jay Leno




Some say with your help, Obama can win?



TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: 2012dncconvention; dnc; obama; obamafail; obamajokes; obamalegacy; ofst; silliness
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What to Expect From Obama's DNC Speech

- Lies about Barack Obama

- Lies about Mitt Romney

- Some lies about accomplishments

- Even more lies about achievements

- Some blaming lies

- Lies about health care

- Lies about Paul Ryan and his "Plan"

- Just Lies

- Shots of old ladies smiling and clapping

- Shots of old ladies crying and wiping away tears

- Shots of black people crying and wiping away tears

- Personal manufactured anecdotes of struggle

- “Four more years” chants

- People screaming, shouting, throwing things

- People collapsing in the aisles and speaking in tongues

- B-Rock beaming those pearly whites

- Michelle, Sasha, and Malia looking on proudly

- Bill Clinton already at the after party

- Mass hypnosis for national optimism

- Obama sucking up to the Hollywood elite crowd and trying (unsuccessfully) to one-up Clint Eastwoods appearance at the RNC

- Jay-Z rappelling down from the ceiling and ending the convention in a rousing, profanity-ridden rendition of “99 Problems,” joined by Joe Biden running onstage in a cop costume to rap the “Son, do you know what I’m stoppin’ you for?” part and then breakdance, as Barack smiles and claps along and medics rush out elderly delegates

- The MSM fawning over how awesome everything, especially The One’s speech, was, and getting “tingles” up their legs.

1 posted on 09/07/2012 6:43:50 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
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To: Lucky9teen

We have the standard 6 ft. fence around the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think ‘Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this!!!).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


2 posted on 09/07/2012 6:44:13 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: ShadowAce

Top ten...a first!


3 posted on 09/07/2012 6:44:51 AM PDT by Pharmboy (Democrats lie because they must.)
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To: Lucky9teen

4 posted on 09/07/2012 6:45:00 AM PDT by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: Lucky9teen

Woohoo!!! It’s finally Friday!!!!


5 posted on 09/07/2012 6:45:06 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...

Welcome to the Land of

CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST



6 posted on 09/07/2012 6:47:46 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 10?


7 posted on 09/07/2012 6:52:57 AM PDT by eCSMaster ('Nancy Pelosi is a DINGBAT.' - Gov. Sarah Palin)
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To: Lucky9teen

WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOO TGIF
Top 10!


8 posted on 09/07/2012 6:53:17 AM PDT by Currentriverrat (People are calling our President the Fresh Prince of Bill Ayers, that's not allowed is it?)
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To: Lucky9teen
Photobucket
9 posted on 09/07/2012 6:53:27 AM PDT by SkyDancer ("OF COURSE I TALK TO MYSELF - Sometimes I need an expert opinion")
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To: ShadowAce

After all that it was time to find your wife and give her a great big bear hug.


10 posted on 09/07/2012 6:55:25 AM PDT by ImJustAnotherOkie (zerogottago)
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To: ShadowAce
Though extremely graphic (thanks for NO pics!), I rolled on the floor at your post. If true, it wasn't fun or funny. If not, you win the short story award for the day!

In the Navy, I was working on a Radar console, after turning it off AND TAGGING IT! Some brainchild decided to turn on the power, and my screwdriver hit 23000V- DC. Even with the low amperage, it kicked me across the room, slamming into another bank of equipment. I'll never forget the ringing in my brain (forget ears!!!) and weirdness in my body.

(Do your testicles still hang into the toilet water?)


11 posted on 09/07/2012 6:56:15 AM PDT by WVKayaker (I'm more than happy to be Obama's "enemy of the week" - Sarah Palin)
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To: Lucky9teen

The silliness thread is here! Run for your lives!

12 posted on 09/07/2012 6:59:29 AM PDT by RingerSIX (My wife and I took an AIDS vaccine that they offer down at our Church.)
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To: Lucky9teen

The empty chair at Space Mountain. ;o)

13 posted on 09/07/2012 7:02:54 AM PDT by MissTed ( Private Tagline - Do Not Read!)
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To: ShadowAce

Yes, you appear to have some control over electricity, but I have control over people. You can fart and turn on a tv, but I can fart and make people get up and leave the room!


14 posted on 09/07/2012 7:04:14 AM PDT by blueunicorn6 ("A crack shot and a good dancer")
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To: Lucky9teen

I found this in an old joke book compiled in 1921 by Edward Clode:

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the blackboard in his class-room:

“Professor Jennings informs his students hat he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George.”

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:

“God save the King!”


15 posted on 09/07/2012 7:07:02 AM PDT by jimtorr
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To: Lucky9teen

16 posted on 09/07/2012 7:07:47 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: RingerSIX

17 posted on 09/07/2012 7:08:59 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: Lucky9teen

18 posted on 09/07/2012 7:11:00 AM PDT by red-dawg (If muslims are exempt from Obamacare, then my name is Mohammed Suks.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 15!


19 posted on 09/07/2012 7:19:21 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Pray like everything is up to God and work like everything is up to you!)
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To: Monkey Face

Top 20!


20 posted on 09/07/2012 7:19:56 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Pray like everything is up to God and work like everything is up to you!)
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To: Monkey Face

top 22


21 posted on 09/07/2012 7:33:36 AM PDT by llevrok (2012 : This is a civil war, not an election)
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To: Lucky9teen

Campaign slogans...

Sandra Fluke:

“If you like c—k, vote for Barack!”

“If you want your hole widen, vote for Biden!”


22 posted on 09/07/2012 7:38:15 AM PDT by dragonblustar (Allah Ain't So Akbar!)
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To: Lucky9teen
Photobucket Happy dance for obama...LOL
23 posted on 09/07/2012 7:44:19 AM PDT by baddog 219
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To: Lucky9teen
Vice President Biden's speaking notes obtained from wastebasket


24 posted on 09/07/2012 7:46:24 AM PDT by relictele
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To: BenLurkin

25 posted on 09/07/2012 8:08:30 AM PDT by folkquest (Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious!)
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To: red-dawg

26 posted on 09/07/2012 8:28:14 AM PDT by Baynative
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To: WVKayaker

23KV!!!!! Holy defecation!!!! I spent 20 years as an ET (that’s electronics tech for you landlubbers) and never hit that!!! Worst I ever got was 325 VDC from a radio. Was aligning it, and supposed to be using a plastic tool. I had been up all night and was exhausted. Picked up a metal screwdriver (tweeker) and stuck it in there. Burned thumb and index finger where I was holding the tweeker, and the side of my hand that was on the chassis of the radio.


27 posted on 09/07/2012 8:48:08 AM PDT by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: ShadowAce

Your experience with electrical fence wire was quite vivid. I applaud you for making me lmfao.


28 posted on 09/07/2012 8:50:31 AM PDT by Amigo04
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To: ShadowAce

Your fence story reminded me of a true news story from here in Norfolk, VA last week.

Seems this guy was arrested for growing pot in his backyard. How did he get caught?

The plants grew over his 8 foot high privacy fence. The neighbors saw them and called the police.

Idiot should have kept his bushes trimmed.


29 posted on 09/07/2012 8:51:01 AM PDT by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Top 30! "Literally!!!"


30 posted on 09/07/2012 8:51:20 AM PDT by a fool in paradise (The guy who was going to stop the rise of the oceans now can’t even fend off a few raindrops.)
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To: Lucky9teen

When Bill Met The Parents

One evening Mr. Rodham was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, Hillary came home with her new boyfriend, a boy named Bill. After being informed of the problem,
Bill said he could get the peanut out..

The Bill told Mr. Rodham to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up Mr. Rodham’s nose and told him to blow hard.

When Mr. Rodham blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and dHillary jumped and yelled for joy.

The young Bill insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to Mr. Rodham and said, ‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t that Bill smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’

Mr. Rodham replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, I would say our son-in-law.’


31 posted on 09/07/2012 8:57:12 AM PDT by sockhead (Socialism means equality . . . everyone is equally miserable.)
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To: RingerSIX

32 posted on 09/07/2012 9:09:02 AM PDT by a fool in paradise (The guy who was going to stop the rise of the oceans now can’t even fend off a few raindrops.)
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To: Lucky9teen
- Bill Clinton already at the after party with a visibly intoxicated Sandra Fluke hanging on his arm,dress inside out,lipstick smeared and giggling uncontrollably

...there. Fixed it for ya....
33 posted on 09/07/2012 9:43:25 AM PDT by gimme1ibertee (If you want to kick a tiger in the ass, you better have a plan for dealing with his teeth.)
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To: fredhead
FT/G for me.

Thank God I was holding an INSULATED screwdriver...

The idiot got an official reprimand in his record! I got to see the Corpseman (zero style) and get little bottles of Brandy! I slept good after the third one...


34 posted on 09/07/2012 9:44:23 AM PDT by WVKayaker (I'm more than happy to be Obama's "enemy of the week" - Sarah Palin)
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To: WVKayaker

Wooo! Top 40! - Enjoy the ride!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsivDCVI64A&feature=youtu.be


35 posted on 09/07/2012 9:48:46 AM PDT by CJ Wolf
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To: Lucky9teen


36 posted on 09/07/2012 9:51:20 AM PDT by unique1
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To: CJ Wolf

,a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0";>Gangnam Style!!</a>


37 posted on 09/07/2012 9:58:50 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: CJ Wolf
Try it again!

Gangnam Style!!

38 posted on 09/07/2012 10:02:28 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: Lucky9teen

Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it’s shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
_____

I’m stoked...
I finally achieved my lifelong dream of having as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.
_____

Researchers at UCLA medical center have invented the first marijuana based suppository.

The only draw back so far is that ten minutes after insertion you have a desire to shove a Mars bar up your butt!
_____

I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.

Which means my dealer’s got some explaining to do.
_____

I got in touch with my inner self today....

That’s the last time I buy toilet paper from the Dollar store.
_____

I went to the doctor for a check -up.

He said, “The best advice I can give you is to give up smoking and drinking, lose weight and get more exercise.”

I said, “What’s the next-best advice?”
_____

A Texas Ranger pulled over a driver on I-35 and informed him he was being cited for speeding.

The driver said, “Officer, could you just give me a warning?”

So the Ranger stepped back and fired a shot over his head.
_____

Speaking of watching TV - last night I watched my first porn movie.

I was a lot thinner back then!
_____

Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face with the Genie who he had found as a child.

“You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!”

“No I didn’t, Saddam...let’s review...

You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came true, no?”

“Yes it did, but”

“You wished to be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams?”

“And this too, came true, but...”

“And the third wish, you remember what that was, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I wanted to be well hung...but that’s not what I meant!!!”


39 posted on 09/07/2012 10:25:28 AM PDT by unique1
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To: ShadowAce
Hey, I know you!

You're the same guy that wrote this...

>>>>>>>>>>Nothing thrills me like seeing someone go down by taser. Their screams for mercy and convulsions are a hoot.

Then you will be laughiing your A$$ off over this...

My wife, Gretchen, is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, “hey y’all, hold my beer and watch this!” Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my “fancy” is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Gretchen. The occasion was our 14th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you’ve never seen one of these things in action, then you’re truly missing out-way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don’t need no stinkin’ directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I’m easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog , Moscow, looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Moscow) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Moscow for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Barb to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no friggin’ way!”

Friggin’ way-trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I’m sitting there alone, Moscow looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. (Don’t ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I’m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Moscow was standing over me making barking sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!” (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution.)

There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t dislodge one of the prongs 1/4” deep in your thigh like yours truly. SON-OF-A-BIT%CH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I’m pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I’m offering a reward. They’re round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss ‘em . . . sure would like to get ‘em back!

AMIGO, DON’T EVER DO THIS!


40 posted on 09/07/2012 10:35:56 AM PDT by Responsibility2nd (NO LIBS. This Means Liberals and (L)libertarians! Same Thing. NO LIBS!!)
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To: Lucky9teen
WANT


41 posted on 09/07/2012 10:40:34 AM PDT by Old Sarge (We are now officially over the precipice, we just havent struck the ground yet)
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To: Lucky9teen

42 posted on 09/07/2012 10:46:55 AM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Mater tua caligas exercitus gerit ;-{)
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To: Old Sarge

made me think of this.......

http://wtkr.com/2012/09/06/newport-news-police-handgun-found-in-baby-stroller-with-child-inside/


43 posted on 09/07/2012 11:05:56 AM PDT by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: fredhead
Worst headline ever. Until I got to the article I was struggling to figure out how they ever got a child in a handgun.

Rifle, maybe, but not a handgun.

44 posted on 09/07/2012 11:19:25 AM PDT by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: fredhead

How do you fit a child inside a handgun?


45 posted on 09/07/2012 11:19:56 AM PDT by Ingtar (Everyone complains about the weather, but only Liberals try to legislate it.)
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To: ArGee

East end of Newport News.......the area of Hampton Roads that I avoid like the plague.

When my company wanted to send me to work in Baghdad back in 2004 I told them, “I don’t go to the east end of Newport News, why would I want to go to Baghdad?”


46 posted on 09/07/2012 11:37:11 AM PDT by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: ShadowAce

Cute girls.

Maybe I’ll move to wherever that was filmed.


47 posted on 09/07/2012 11:42:27 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: Old Sarge
Feminists don these buttons


Because nothing says “respect women” like wearing a giant slut button.
48 posted on 09/07/2012 12:19:44 PM PDT by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: Responsibility2nd

how many wives does this guy have?


49 posted on 09/07/2012 12:29:24 PM PDT by absolootezer0 (2x divorced tattooed pierced harley hatin meghan mccain luvin' REAL beer drinkin' smoker ..what?)
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To: Ingtar

Handgun with child? A pregnant handgun?


50 posted on 09/07/2012 1:44:29 PM PDT by TheOldLady
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