Skip to comments.Adobe Acrobat Update Sparks Violent Protests In Muslim World (Sarcasm)
Posted on 09/25/2012 8:01:25 PM PDT by barmag25
Scores of people were injured Saturday in clashes with police as protests continued in the Muslim world against the most recent Adobe Acrobat update, downloaded Friday to one of the region's fifteen computers. Released by an American-based software company, the update allegedly provided "critical fixes improving security, stability and performance," while also addressing a number of "high priority bugs," which many in the Muslim world see as an insult to their way of life.
"Why are Americans always telling us that we need an update?" an imam addressed a raging crowd of followers in Bangladesh's capital, Dhaka. "The very suggestion that we need a 'critical fix' to improve the 'handling of errors' is yet another example of America's arrogance. Our system is superior to theirs and any suggestion that it 'misses a plug-in' is an imperialist attempt to impose their blasphemous lifestyle on true believers."
In Pakistan, a Cabinet minister offered a $100,000 reward for the death of Adobe Acrobat, urging the Taliban and al-Qaida to perform the "sacred duty" of helping locate and kill the "blasphemous contortionist." "Their insinuation that our system may be somehow 'riddled with bugs' is a blasphemy punishable by death," Minister Ghulam Ahmad Balor told the reporters. "How else, if not by killing people, can we demonstrate to the world that our system cannot be improved because it is already perfect? It was designed by Prophet Mohammed (PBUH), and no Adobe Updater can ever update that."
Following his announcement, a peaceful but angry crowd of more than 1,500 people, including women and children, marched through Islamabad's streets towards National Circus, where they rounded up and killed more than 20 local acrobats taking refuge inside the building. Police and witnesses said dozens of clowns and other circus workers were injured.
All of the murdered acrobats were later cleared of any affiliation with Adobe.
Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan criticized the violence, but said Western nations aren't spilling enough blood of the unbelievers to prevent insults to Islam. "No one is defending freedom of expression when Norton Antivirus finds and discards malicious files. How is that different from Muslims tracking down and beheading those who express malicious thoughts? Freedom of expression is offensive, and we must not tolerate it any more than we would a virus."
Police, armed with tear gas and batons, managed to disperse thousands of stone-throwing demonstrators in Nigeria's largest city, Kano. The protesters from about a dozen Islamic groups burned two of the country's three computers, witnesses said.
This left Nigerian entrepreneurs worried. "We can't just stop progress in addressing general errors in handling text, font, and metadata," says Mariam Abacha, an independent email expert and widow of the late dictator of Nigeria, General Sanni Abacha. "Our access to email generates up to 70% of national GDP. The loss of that computer will not only plunge us back into poverty, disease, and starvation - it will also crush my hopes of securing kind assistance of a trustworthy Westerner with an email account, to retrieve eighty million USD ($80,000,000.00) specially preserved and well packed in steel crates by me and my late husband."
About 200 students in Srinagar, the main city in Indian-controlled Kashmir, angrily chanted "Down with Windows 7" and "Long live MS-DOS." Some carried a placard that read, "There is no Adobe but Allah and Muhammad is his Acrobat."
"Why do these Yankees presume they know what Muslims need?" a protester told our reporter during a break. "These insolent pop-up banners keep telling us that our system is obsolete and that really hurts our self-esteem. But don't fall for that trick, because a week after you upgrade to the latest version, it'll pop up once more and you'll feel like an idiot with obsolete software again. Here's my question to the Americans at Adobe: how good can YOU be if your stuff needs constant fixes and upgrades? I'm convinced that the real purpose of their update reminders is to continually taunt and degrade Muslims. That deserves a very, very stern punishment."
At a rare White House press conference today, President Obama and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton expressed solidarity with the Muslim struggle against the unfair practice, stating that they themselves are often appalled by the "vile and despicable display of software update notifications" in various pop-up windows. They urged all software developers to take a more responsible approach and promised to send DOJ and IRS investigators to Adobe headquarters.
According to earlier reports, Adobe CEO has already been interrogated by the sheriff's department after being taken from his San Jose, California home, and escorted by the police while wearing a towel over his head.
In related news, a fighting Islamist faction in the Phillipines' capital massacred a group of street gymnasts after a pop-up banner from Staples announced a discount on "manila folders."
Long live MS-DOS!!! Death to Windows7!!!
Although my satire article blaming the riots on the Obama TV ad has passed 1,000 page views on the blog, apparently some people might have bought it.
That really is pure awesome
The peoples cube is an awesome site. Great satire, very funny stuff.
The People’s Cube is awesome! Great piece!
..provided "critical fixes improving security, stability and performance," while also addressing a number of "high priority bugs," which many in the Muslim world see as an insult to their way of life. "Why are Americans always telling us that we need an update?" an imam addressed a raging crowd of followers in Bangladesh's capital, Dhaka.Funny, but alas, this *could* wind up happening.
kind of funny... ping...
BEHEAD ALL THOSE WHO UPDATE THE PROPHET!
They don’t need any “updates” or “bug fixes”, they need to be “D-rez’d” to MilSpec....
Pretty funny. Now I know why I like your writing here.
Ping me next time you blog.....which I didn’t know you did...
I can think of something else they can blow up...or I can just hit em both and have room service bring us breakfast....we’ll be at the Four Seasons on Dohenny....
I started seriously about last Thursday, all the other ones were soon abandoned.
This one is already more popular than anything else I’ve done.
I HATE 8, I HATE 8...
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