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Posted on 09/28/2012 6:05:00 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
I feel like number two today.
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Top 5 finally
It’ll be a good weekend
I think we should declare today Doonerism Spay.
Do you have a pet ?
No. There is a pet that has me.
Top ten ?
In before #10?
Great pictures on the intro.
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit if
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didnt have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, took the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadnt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering ooooohhh that feels good Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadnt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasnt the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didnt improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect...
Speaking of Spoonerisms:
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
The Charles Schulz Philosophy
(Scroll through slowly and read carefully to receive and enjoy full effect.)
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.
You don’t have to actually answer the questions.
Just ponder on them.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Sydney to Hobart winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss Universe pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last five movies to win the Academy Award for best picture.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies..
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here’s another quiz.
See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money...or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most
Pass this on to those people who have either made a difference in your life, Or whom you keep close in your heart, like I did. ‘Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia! ‘
‘’Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!”
Reverend Spooner was reported to have come across a couple smooching in a boat.
What he MEANT to say was “Punts are not for kissing in.”
They say that spoonerisms are a lay of wife.
Woohoo!!! It's Friday!!!!!!!!!
This is a family thread, so I can’t post what the Manager actually said when he was trying to tell the pitcher to hit the showers.
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?”
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. “Hi, how's the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the businessman. “I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”
“That's great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”
“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just one problem,” said the golfer. “Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”
Sometimes you have to wait for that first coff o’ cuppee to kick in.
I’m assuming you get your stories from some Democrat-frequented forum. Based on their current candidate I can tell they’re all nucking futs!
NO FUT NUCKING!!!!
Law As It Should Be
Two men were walking down the street one evening when they observed a well dressed, attractive young woman ahead of them. One of them remarked to the other Id give $500 to spend the night with that woman. To their surprise, the woman had heard the remark and, turning around, said, Ill take you up on that. So, after bidding his friend good night, the man accompanied the woman to her apartment where they immediately went to bed.
The next morning, as he prepared to leave, the man presented her with a $50 bill. The woman demanded the rest of the money stating, If you dont give me the full $500 Ill sue you for it. He laughed saying, Id like to see you get it since prostitution is illegal.
A couple days later he was surprised when served with a complaint and summons ordering him to appear in court. He hurried to his lawyers office and explained the details to him. His lawyer said, She cant possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented.
On the appointed day and after the usual preliminaries, the womans lawyer addressed the court: Your honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property , a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the Defendant for specific purposes and for a specific length of time, for the sum of $500. The Defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon vacating the premises paid only $50 of the agreed upon rental amount. The rental amount for this property was not excessive, and we ask the Court to enter judgment against the Defendant to assure payment of the balance.
The mans lawyer was amused at the way the case was presented. He therefore altered his planned defense and proceeded as follows: Your honor, the Defendant agrees that the Plaintiff has a fine piece of property, that he did rent the property for the purpose and time. However, upon occupying the property, the Defendant found an open well around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, erected a pump, all labor being performed by himself. These improvements to the property are sufficient to effect the unpaid balance and the Plaintiff was, as a result, adequately and fully compensated for the rental. The Defendant therefore moves the Court to deny judgment for the Plaintiff.
The womans lawyer rose for rebuttal: Your honor, Plaintiff agrees that the Defendant did find a well on the property, and that he did make the improvements as counsel stated. However, it was because he knew of the well that Defendant rented the property. Furthermore, upon vacating the premises, the Defendant removed the stones, pulled up the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but he left the well hole larger than it was before his occupancy and left it easily accessible for little children. Plaintiff asks the Court for judgment in her favor.
AND SHE GOT IT!
I’m a big Start Trek fan, but only that original one. Not the later ones. You know the one I mean, with Craptain Kick and Sister Mock.
Now we shall see if Donny Jepp will actually freeve Lance over the new tuper sax.
Or will he chicken out like Balec Allwind did when Beorge Jush was elected in the U.S.?
I LUV that!! LOL
I think if we used spoonerism potential to choose our Presidents we couldn’t do much worse than the man we have now.
Just think of it:
All are better than Oarack Bobama
(Good thing there was nothing in my mouth or I would have to clean this thing before I could comment!)
Spoonerisms just aren’t as funny with acronyms.
That’s just silly.
Not a spoonerism, but a lawyer joke:
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
As a lawyer, I can tell you that this joke, like all humor, has a basis in truth.
Am I ing the prong lace, then?
So, is it true that if you give Viagra to a lawyer, all that happens is he gets taller?
So, he’s just a dig bick?
Where else bould you wee?
I think the difficulty with a thrilliness sead is that this is a folitical porum. When it comes to unsitigated milliness it’s tough to beat the hite wouse.
“So, is it true that if you give Viagra to a lawyer, all that happens is he gets taller?
So, hes just a dig bick?”
Yes, unless you find one whose nucking futs.
Fun with Drudge Headlines:
High Stool Schudents Planning Cafeteria Coybott To Protest New Olama Bunch Luidegines...
A: The first is a bunch of cunning runts...
Q: What’s the difference between Cirque de Soleil and Hooters?
A: One features cunning stunts.
Clearly, too many people with their ginds in the mutter.
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