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Good News / Bad News for Pastor

Posted on 12/14/2012 4:20:49 PM PST by virgil283

Good News: You baptised seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. Good News: The pastor-parish relations committee accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they asked the bishop to send a new minister capable of filling the position. Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage. Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation. Good News: Your biggest critic just left your community. Bad News: He has been appointed as your conference bishop. Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit. Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream. Good News: The Church Council has agreed to send you to the Holy Land for study. Bad News: They are waiting for war to breakout before sending you.

KEYWORDS: churchhumor
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog.

Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback.

"You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.

He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.

Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

1 posted on 12/14/2012 4:20:54 PM PST by virgil283
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To: virgil283

“The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.”

“Under same management for over 2000 years”

“Soul food served here.”

“Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!”

“You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving.”

“Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!”

“Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church.”

“We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks.”

“Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are.”

“Life has many choices, For Eternity, two. What’s yours?”

“Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.”

“A man’s character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.”

“Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.”

“It’s hard to stumble when you’re down on your knees.”

“A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.”

“The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.”

“Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.”

“Can’t sleep? Try counting your blessings.”

“Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”

“Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!”

“Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies.”

“If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil’s orchard.”

“To belittle is to be little.”

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”

“God answers kneemail!”

2 posted on 12/14/2012 4:32:56 PM PST by virgil283 ( "He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof cometh ...")
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To: virgil283

Three couples sought to join a church, an elderly pair, a middle aged couple and two young newly weds.

The pastor told all three couples that, in order to join the church, they would have to abstain from sex for a month. They should all meet with him in a month and report on their experience.

A month later, in the pastors office, the elderly couple said they managed fine and were ready to join up. The middle aged couple said it was a difficult month but with prayer and determination they made it. The pastor welcomed them in and asked the young couple how they did.

The young man said they made it about two weeks and then lost it. “What happened?” asked the pastor,

“Well, she bent over to pick up a can of paint and I lost it, I tore off her pants and just took her”

The pastor, a bit taken aback by the language, explained that they couldn’t join his church.

“That’s okay” said the young man, “We can’t go back to Home Depot either”

3 posted on 12/14/2012 5:00:16 PM PST by muir_redwoods (Don't fire until you see the blue of their helmets)
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To: virgil283


4 posted on 12/14/2012 5:33:30 PM PST by quintr
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To: lightman

Pastor humor ping...

5 posted on 12/14/2012 5:58:10 PM PST by carriage_hill (Don't whiz on the electric fence. Awwwww-yeah!)
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To: virgil283


6 posted on 12/14/2012 7:42:48 PM PST by Hebrews 11:6 (Do you REALLY believe that (1) God IS, and (2) God IS GOOD?)
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To: virgil283


7 posted on 12/14/2012 8:08:56 PM PST by freemama
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