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Posted on 12/21/2012 5:19:58 AM PST by Lucky9teen
9. When you are in the market for doomsday predictions, remember, it's alignment, alignment, alignment! This time, the earth will be at its center and the sun will be aligned at the top of the string of planets. At the rear end of the alignment will be a black hole in the exact center of the Milky Way. And, therefore...
8. "King of terror shall come from the sky. He will bring to life the King of Mongols. The Huge dog will howl at night, when the great pontiff will change lands." - Nostradamus, of course.
7. In a repeat of 9792 BC, Venus moving in retrograde of the Orion constellation will cause the sun to rise to a new horizon, making way for two sunsets and two sunrises. Understandably, this will drive Osiris, the resident god of Orion, crazy.
6. Antichrist will gain domination over the world, in league with the false messiah. There will be blood and...Armageddon. Why 12-21-12? Because, 12-21-12 = 9-11-01 + 3-10-11!
5. According to the most recent batch of Sumerian tablets on sale for $19.99 at Dept. 13, P.O. Box 666, Nippur, Sumer the Anunnaki [aka Nephilim], filled with remorse for genetically engineering us, will crash their plant Niburu into the Earth.
4. According to the "Brahma-Vaivarta Purana", Krishna has promised Ganga that she would be allowed to end her hellish sojourn through India, and return to Shiva's head on 12-21-12. Insane with jealousy, Durga will annihilate the universe, sparing only Kolkotta.
3. The Mormons have built an underground city to escape the apocalyptic events that they believe will happen in 2012. Everybody knows that the Mormons are never wrong.
2. Physicists will successfully extract God particle in CERN's Large Hadron Collider by the end of 2012. Enraged by this new kid on the block, Abraham, Allah, Thor, Vishnu, Yhwh, and Zeus will join forces to destroy the world.
1. Precisely at 11:11 AM, on 12-21-12, when the sun aligns itself with the Tropic of Capricorn, I will forget to wash my hands after using the restroom at the SFO Airport, setting off a pandemic with the superbug, NDM-1.
Could it be the end of the world as we know it?
Leaders of both parties announced today that they have reached agreements on all of the previously intractable issues.
We just got so used to opposing each other, no matter what, that we lost sight of whats important, said Harry Reid, Democratic Senate Majority Leader. Although it will be difficult not to continue to follow our instincts right into oblivion.
For starters, the budget will be fixed by increases on taxes on the wealthy, along with smart cuts in spending, mostly in the military.
We finally realized that such a bloated military would do us no good if the world ended, said John Boehner, Republican Speaker of the House.
It turns out what really scared the hell out of us was the Mayan prophecy, not the fiscal cliff, said Boehner. Suddenly, coddling the super-rich just to secure political office on this earthly plane seemed so lame, added the Orange One, tears filling his eyes.
In fact, part of the Mayan prophecy actually refers to an important figure of these times as The Orange One, who cries like a baby girl.
Another part of the Mayan prophecy refers to the man many will call a Secret Muslim. According to this portion of the sacred text, the powerful man is actually a Secret Mayan, and the text relates that, we here creating this Calendar for the Ages laugh at the thought of the future Tea people thinking hes a Muslim born in Kenya. After all, everyone knows he is to be born in the heart of Mayan country, the future Mexico.
The sacred text continues: The leader of the free world must be a Mayan at this time, and since even our great Prophecy cannot tell whether dishonest forces will be able to rig future elections, all major candidates must be born of ancient Mayan blood.
In other historic agreements, it was decided that GMOs will be phased out, if theres time, due to their potentially catastrophic consequences to the global food supply.
A huge investment in all natural resources has been agreed upon as well, including the drilling in all areas available in North America and an immediate halt to EPA Regulations. We can actually use our own resources, we realized, after thinking it through, said Senator Reid.
It wasnt all love and harmony in Washington, however. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), a House Minority Leader, tried to start a filibuster to stop the process, saying, This is just a Tea Party trick to take over the world! God will punish all unbelievers! Just then a crack in the Senate floor opened and swallowed her up.
Thats when we really saw the light, said Reid.
The president spoke to reporters in the Rose Garden this morning. It is with great pride that I announce these historic agreements, said Mr. Obama, and we can only hope that weve extracted our collective heads out of the proverbial sand in time.
May the great Mayan Gods have mercy on our souls, he said. Oh yeah, thats right: Im Mayan, you idiots!
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Top Ten! It’s the end of the world as we know it!
(I feel fine, especially after two cups of coffee.)
Whew! I made it in before the world ended.
It’s the end of the world as we know it. Top 10
Well, if it isn’t the end of the world as we know it, my credit card issuers are in for a BIG surprise.
Serves ‘em right.
New report from NASA says that in the late afternoon of 12/21/12 the sky will become very dark
A phenomena known as NIGHT.
Harry Reid will gavel the Senate closed for the year at 11:11 today withour taking up fiscal clift legislation, declare victory, and hitch a ride on Air Force 1 with the Pelosi’s and the Obamas for points west partying all the way.
I wonder if it's a problem that I'm caucasian?
Gee, you guys are dead and don’t even know it yet.
Durn I missed it....
DOW Futures are trading much lower this morning.
I was in Wal Mart late last night, after midnight. The power went out for a few seconds........
My last post before the end of the world. How appropriate it should be here. Bye bye FReepers. See you on the other side.