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The Americans With No Abilities Act

Posted on 01/20/2013 5:49:33 AM PST by NCjim

President Barack Obama and the Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons With No Ability. The Transportation Security Agency was a close runner up. Under the act, it will be perfectly acceptable to be in second place.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68 percent), and home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the nonabled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Vice President Joe Biden: "As an ex-senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS:

1 posted on 01/20/2013 5:49:34 AM PST by NCjim
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To: NCjim

With Obama of all people selected for eight years in our White House, how can anyone think that having no abilities is a disadvantage?


2 posted on 01/20/2013 5:54:28 AM PST by Pollster1
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To: NCjim

As long as the paperwork to apply will fit on a post card and can be filled out using a Crayon, it may just take off!


3 posted on 01/20/2013 5:57:59 AM PST by spodefly (This is my tag line. There are many like it, but this one is mine.)
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To: NCjim

Quit giving them ideas!


4 posted on 01/20/2013 6:03:34 AM PST by DeepInTheHeartOfTexas
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To: NCjim

lol


5 posted on 01/20/2013 6:07:32 AM PST by ▀udda▀udd (>> F U B O << "What the hell kind of country is this if I can only hate a man if he's white?")
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To: NCjim

LOL! Very good, NCJim. FReeper humor BUMP!


6 posted on 01/20/2013 6:08:14 AM PST by PGalt
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To: NCjim

They’re right, 50 percent are sorely lacking in ability or the drive to succeed. When times get tough, so many run away.


7 posted on 01/20/2013 6:09:09 AM PST by Theodore R. ("Hey, the American people must all be crazy out there!")
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To: DeepInTheHeartOfTexas; NCjim
Hey,

Where do I sign up ?

8 posted on 01/20/2013 6:14:58 AM PST by onona (KCCO, and mind the gap)
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To: NCjim

Alternatively, how about the Americans with Abilities Act?

That is, since Obama has nationalized student loans, and he doesn’t care about debt, why not forgive all outstanding student loans? Young people going from deeply in debt to just poor, would mean they could start off like their parents did, and what they earned, less taxes of course, would be theirs.

This would mean they could get married and start families earlier, and face a future other than loneliness, childlessness, and despair.


9 posted on 01/20/2013 6:28:17 AM PST by yefragetuwrabrumuy (Best WoT news at rantburg.com)
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To: NCjim

Wasn’t that the Civil Service Act of 1883? Made civil service hiring based on “merit” but also made civil “servants” all but impossible to fire?


10 posted on 01/20/2013 6:34:33 AM PST by Little Ray (Waiting for the return of the Gods of the Copybook Headings.)
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To: NCjim

I read the first three paragraphs to my lovely wife as she was having her first cup of coffee. It was an amazing sight to see the outrage boil up in her eyes. After listening to her rant for five minutes or so, I informed her that it was satire.

She admitted that it was a bit too close too something that she could see Obama and this administration pulling.

So a very WELL DONE for a good piece of satire.


11 posted on 01/20/2013 6:35:38 AM PST by The Working Man
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To: NCjim

Perfect!
Great Job!


12 posted on 01/20/2013 6:48:10 AM PST by libertarian27 (Check my profile page for links to the 2011 & 2012 FR Cookbooks- Enjoy)
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To: NCjim

Sounds great as long as I don’t have to interact with the non addled.
The Constitution says thou shall not be humiliated so I will stay home and wait for my weekly checks to arrive in the mail

Thanks


13 posted on 01/20/2013 6:55:09 AM PST by winodog (Thank you Jesus for the calm in my life)
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To: winodog

is this satire or for real? I would send this link to some very liberal limited information voters if it is real...they asked for this crap.


14 posted on 01/20/2013 7:27:09 AM PST by celtic gal
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To: NCjim

You’re cutting in on John Semmens’ action. Good job though.


15 posted on 01/20/2013 7:44:06 AM PST by Ouderkirk (Obama has turned America into an aristocracy of the unaccomplished.)
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To: NCjim

You’re cutting in on John Semmens’ action. Good job though.


16 posted on 01/20/2013 7:44:08 AM PST by Ouderkirk (Obama has turned America into an aristocracy of the unaccomplished.)
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To: NCjim

You’re cutting in on John Semmens’ action. Good job though.


17 posted on 01/20/2013 7:44:12 AM PST by Ouderkirk (Obama has turned America into an aristocracy of the unaccomplished.)
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To: NCjim

You’re cutting in on John Semmens’ action. Good job though.


18 posted on 01/20/2013 7:44:12 AM PST by Ouderkirk (Obama has turned America into an aristocracy of the unaccomplished.)
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To: celtic gal

I am dead serious, although I am 99.9% sure the article is satire.


19 posted on 01/20/2013 8:19:55 AM PST by winodog (Thank you Jesus for the calm in my life)
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To: NCjim

Americans With No Abilities = Progressives


20 posted on 01/20/2013 8:52:27 AM PST by Vaduz
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To: NCjim
I received it via email with no link. It was scarily close enough to reality...

Subsequently another friend sent me a link...

http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-passes-americans-with-no-abilities-act,541/

21 posted on 01/20/2013 9:02:57 AM PST by NCjim (Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.)
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To: celtic gal

From The Onion, 1998: http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-passes-americans-with-no-abilities-act,541/


22 posted on 01/20/2013 9:03:23 AM PST by cfoster
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To: NCjim
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68 percent), and home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent).

What about Walmart's great contribution?!?!

23 posted on 01/20/2013 9:33:57 AM PST by eccentric (a.k.a. baldwidow)
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To: yefragetuwrabrumuy
Alternatively, how about the Americans with Abilities Act?

Oh, We're covered under the IRS, FDA, EPA, NLRB, BATF, etc.

24 posted on 01/20/2013 9:39:03 AM PST by Doomonyou (Let them eat Lead.)
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To: NCjim

You should credit the originating source, even if you changed up parts of the article.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-passes-americans-with-no-abilities-act,541/


25 posted on 01/20/2013 11:27:24 AM PST by Netizen (Path to citizenship = Scamnesty. If you give it away, more will come.)
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To: NCjim
Sounds like socialism/communism in all it's glory!
26 posted on 01/20/2013 1:12:46 PM PST by 2001convSVT (Going Galt as fast as I can.)
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To: Ouderkirk

sorry about the zillion responses....posting via ipad is not working right.


27 posted on 01/20/2013 1:34:47 PM PST by Ouderkirk (Obama has turned America into an aristocracy of the unaccomplished.)
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To: NCjim

This is one of the funniest most insightful things I’ve read in a while. Someone should ping the objectivist slash libertarian pings with this.


28 posted on 01/21/2013 1:13:47 PM PST by NYCslicker
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