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And now, on the lighter side...
Vanity ^ | 2/1/2013 | Sgthooper

Posted on 02/01/2013 6:46:55 PM PST by SgtHooper

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away... But since most doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself "I'm going to take that".

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: humor
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1 posted on 02/01/2013 6:47:01 PM PST by SgtHooper
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To: SgtHooper

God made woman last because everytime He made something He didn’t want someone over His shoulder saying “Why did you do it like THAT?!?”


2 posted on 02/01/2013 6:55:55 PM PST by Secret Agent Man (I can neither confirm or deny that; even if I could, I couldn't - it's classified.)
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To: SgtHooper

That reminds me. I thought the “women in combat” issue was resolved when they were allowed to drive.


3 posted on 02/01/2013 6:57:54 PM PST by bigheadfred
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To: SgtHooper

pleeze excouse my speling, but I have to tel you. I stepped on an ant today. Boy, was my unkle ever mad.


4 posted on 02/01/2013 6:59:46 PM PST by kitkat
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To: kitkat

you think you’re having a bad day? i’was talking with my buddy today and he tells me his wife is eating for two now. i tell him congratulations. he says, why? i didn’t say she was pregnant.


5 posted on 02/01/2013 7:07:31 PM PST by Secret Agent Man (I can neither confirm or deny that; even if I could, I couldn't - it's classified.)
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To: SgtHooper

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started....


6 posted on 02/01/2013 7:28:38 PM PST by Old Sarge (We are officially over the precipice, we just havent struck the ground yet...)
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To: Old Sarge

LOL!

I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie,large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said “I’ve not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!


7 posted on 02/01/2013 7:37:27 PM PST by SgtHooper (The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.)
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To: SgtHooper

When my wife asked, “Why do you come home half-drunk?” I had to admit,”I often run out of money.”


8 posted on 02/01/2013 8:00:58 PM PST by imardmd1 (Let the redeemed of The LORD say so, whom He hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy. (Ps. 107:2))
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To: SgtHooper

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift at all.

When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And then the fight started.....


9 posted on 02/01/2013 8:01:21 PM PST by Old Sarge (We are officially over the precipice, we just havent struck the ground yet...)
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To: SgtHooper

As Larry the Cable Guy would say, I don’t care who ya are, that’s funny right there.


10 posted on 02/01/2013 8:05:58 PM PST by Leaning Right
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To: Secret Agent Man

MAN OF THE HOUSE

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be the Man of Your House.

He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and...well... you get the point.

“Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.... Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”


11 posted on 02/01/2013 8:15:59 PM PST by Girlene
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To: SgtHooper

Three men, a Canadian farmer, an Arab terrorist and an
American Biker are all walking together one day. They come
across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. ’I will give each
of you one wish, which is three wishes in total’, says the
Genie...

The Canadian says, ’I am a farmer and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ‘

POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada
was forever fertile for farming. 

The Arab terrorist was amazed, so he said, ’I want a wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.’ 

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. 

The Biker says, ’I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.’

The Genie explains, ’Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.’ 

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says...

“Fill it with water.”


12 posted on 02/01/2013 8:18:13 PM PST by Talisker (One who commands, must obey.)
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To: bigheadfred

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The second old guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”

The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”

To which the first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”


13 posted on 02/01/2013 8:24:26 PM PST by Girlene
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To: SgtHooper

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


14 posted on 02/01/2013 8:26:54 PM PST by mrsmith (Dumb sluts: Lifeblood of the Media, Backbone of the Democrat Party!)
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To: Old Sarge

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And that’s when the fight started.....


15 posted on 02/01/2013 8:28:35 PM PST by Girlene
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To: Girlene

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’ ‘Yes,’ she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? And that’s how the fight started...


16 posted on 02/01/2013 8:36:03 PM PST by zeugma (Those of us who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.)
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To: SgtHooper

While Robert Reich is campaigning for Obama in Nevada, he goes to see a doctor. He tells the doctor “I have a terrible pain in my testicles.”

Doctor grabs a pair of scissors and approaches Robert Reich. Reich says “Oh no you don’t, you’re not cutting off my testicles!”

Doctor says “No, I’m just going to cut the tops off those new cowboy boots you’ve got on.”


17 posted on 02/01/2013 8:54:11 PM PST by rlmorel (1793 French Jacobins and 2012 American Liberals have a lot in common.)
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To: SgtHooper

The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...


18 posted on 02/01/2013 8:57:38 PM PST by rlmorel (1793 French Jacobins and 2012 American Liberals have a lot in common.)
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To: zeugma

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “ I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.”

So I bought her a scale.

.....and that’s when the fight started.


19 posted on 02/01/2013 9:05:09 PM PST by Girlene
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To: Girlene

Yeah...;)


20 posted on 02/01/2013 9:13:44 PM PST by Secret Agent Man (I can neither confirm or deny that; even if I could, I couldn't - it's classified.)
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To: Girlene
And then there was this feller who claimed to have invented rock and roll, composed "Rock Around the Clock", and named the Beatles, among a score of other great achievements, and his name was... Joey Welz!
21 posted on 02/01/2013 9:21:24 PM PST by Revolting cat! (Bad things are wrong! Ice cream is delicious!)
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To: Revolting cat!

So this guy gets on an airplane, locates his seat and finds that he is setting next to, of all people, the Pope.

“Wow”, he thinks, “I’ve always been a big admirer of His Holiness, but what do I say to him?”

Then he sees the Pope pull out his newspaper and start to work the crossword puzzle. “This is great, I’m a whiz at crosswords”

Soon the Pope says, “Excuse me sir, but do you know a four letter word that refers to a woman and ends in U-N-T. Well, of course, a word immediately springs to mind, but he thinks “Geez, I can’t say THAT to the Pope.” So the guy gives the Pope a sheepish shrug and tells him that he can’t think of anything.

However, A few minutes later, a thought come to him. Excuse me sir, I think that the word you were looking for was “aunt”.

“”Yes, yes, the Pope smiles, “that must be right, say, do you have an eraser?”


22 posted on 02/01/2013 9:25:19 PM PST by rlmorel (1793 French Jacobins and 2012 American Liberals have a lot in common.)
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To: Talisker

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it’s MY fault!


23 posted on 02/01/2013 9:33:00 PM PST by rlmorel (1793 French Jacobins and 2012 American Liberals have a lot in common.)
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To: Girlene
On their wedding night, a young couple arrive at their hotel suite and begin prepping for their first night together as husband and wife. The man slides off his trousers and says, "Sweety, I want you to try these on." She quizzically looks at him, then pulls on the trousers. As she's holding them up, he tells her to let go of the waist. She says, "I can't, they won't stay up."

The man smugly looks at her, and says, "And you remember that. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family."

She shuffles off to the bathroom, emerges in a bath robe, and hands the groom her panties, saying, "I wan't you to try these one." The man looks at the panties, looks at his wife and says, "You have to be kidding me...there's no way I'm getting into those things." She replies, "You're right about that, and you're not going to until you change your attitude."

Many years later, after decades of marriage, the man decides to do something to put a little spice back in their relationship. One Valentine's Day, he goes to Victoria's Secret over his lunch hour and buys the sheerest, most expensive nightie he can find.

When he arrives home, he gives his wife the gift box which she gleefully opens and smiles. After dinner as the man is watching the evening news, the wife sneaks off to the bedroom and slips into her new nighty. Posing provacatively on the stairs, she whistles at her husband who turns, sees her and his jaw drops. "Whaddya think?" she asks.

"I think for as much as I paid for that, they would have at least ironed it!"

24 posted on 02/01/2013 9:35:52 PM PST by Joe 6-pack (Que me amat, amet et canem meum)
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To: imardmd1

Jane, you ignorant slut.

Bagged out, dried up, skunk meat like you and Michelle Triolla know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triolla. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over 40 times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin.

But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuity means nothing to you. Someone like you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham-radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Michelle Triolla like a screeching, squealing, rapacious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars.

I guess what you and Michelle are saying is, that when you're on your backs, the meter is running. Well please spare us gals, and tell us the rates at the top. Then we can choose which two-bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

25 posted on 02/01/2013 9:40:40 PM PST by rlmorel (1793 French Jacobins and 2012 American Liberals have a lot in common.)
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To: Old Sarge

Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken.

Sadly, I told this joke when I was at my folk’s place on leave from the army, and it must of been the wrong time and place to be telling such a joke, because no sooner than I finish...there was no hesitation to the open hand across my face from my mother. Last I saw of my father, he had knocked his chair down in his haste to escape and was howling laughing down the hall, leaving me to the wolves.


26 posted on 02/01/2013 9:42:10 PM PST by Bulwyf
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To: Revolting cat!
and here he is when he was just a wee one, Joey Wells being fawned over by his dear moms and pops. Little did he, or they, know how fantastic his future in Rock and Roll would be...
27 posted on 02/01/2013 9:43:06 PM PST by Girlene
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To: Bulwyf

PMS - Pack My Suitcase


28 posted on 02/01/2013 9:46:59 PM PST by Girlene
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To: Girlene
An elderly couple were sitting on their porch in their rockers, having just celebrated their 75 th. anniversary. They rocked a bit and he turned to her and said softly, "honey, I'm so proud of you".

The woman rocked a bit more and then turned to her husband and said, "that's OK, I'm tired of you too".

29 posted on 02/01/2013 9:48:51 PM PST by Graybeard58 (_.. ._. .. _. _._ __ ___ ._. . ___ ..._ ._ ._.. _ .. _. .)
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To: Joe 6-pack

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ‘’Shut up...you’re next!’’


30 posted on 02/01/2013 9:57:21 PM PST by Girlene
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To: Secret Agent Man
This older couple, were out on the town, celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. An angel appeared, explaining that since so few couples nowadays remained married so long, as a reward, he was going to grant them each a wish.

The wife quickly said that she wanted to go on a cruise and immediately, they found themselves sitting by a pool, on a cruise ship!

The husband looked around at all the lovely bikini-clad ladies by the pool and beckoned for the angel to come closer. The husband leaned over and whispered in the angel's ear, "I wish I were married to someone 25 years younger." Immediately, the husband became 25 years older.

The moral of the story? Be careful what you wish for, it may come true.

31 posted on 02/01/2013 10:06:34 PM PST by A Formerly Proud Canadian (I once was lost but now I'm found; blind but now I see.)
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To: Girlene

haha, that’s the first time I have heard that one. I’ll remember it, I may repeat it, just warning you:)


32 posted on 02/01/2013 10:26:10 PM PST by Bulwyf
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To: SgtHooper

LOL!!!


33 posted on 02/01/2013 10:32:11 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously, you won't live through it anyway)
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To: Secret Agent Man

No joke!!! Thought I was the only who has to hear that.

LOL


34 posted on 02/01/2013 10:33:13 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously, you won't live through it anyway)
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To: Old Sarge

Man sitting on a couch watching the Super Bowl....

Wife walks in asks “What’s on the TV?”

“Dust” the man replied.....

And THAT’S how the fight started....


35 posted on 02/01/2013 10:35:25 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously, you won't live through it anyway)
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To: SgtHooper

ROTFLMAO!!!! To all the jokes on this thread....


36 posted on 02/01/2013 10:36:36 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously, you won't live through it anyway)
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To: Old Sarge

Oh Noes!!!! LOL


37 posted on 02/01/2013 10:37:38 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously, you won't live through it anyway)
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To: rlmorel

Frickin dork! Can’t believe I read that whole thing. Very funny. LOL!


38 posted on 02/01/2013 10:41:23 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously, you won't live through it anyway)
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To: Girlene

OMG!!! LOL!!!


39 posted on 02/01/2013 10:42:19 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously, you won't live through it anyway)
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To: A Formerly Proud Canadian

This analysis must have been written by an engineer.
Women don’t snore.
Women don’t belch.
And Women don’t fart.
The conclusion therefore is that if they
didn’t bitch, they would blow up.


40 posted on 02/01/2013 10:44:01 PM PST by Islander2
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To: Bulwyf

Hoh man!!!! That is heelarryus!!!


41 posted on 02/01/2013 10:47:02 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously, you won't live through it anyway)
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To: rlmorel
That little "joke" of mine was true (sadly), as of about 45 years ago, until I also was truly redeemed from that life. No joke.

Not quite sure why you sent me the "Dear Jane" letter.

42 posted on 02/01/2013 10:48:25 PM PST by imardmd1
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To: SgtHooper

A Baby Boy and a Baby Girl are sitting on the floor.

The Baby Boy pulls open the front of his Diaper, points down and says, you don’t have one of these.

The Baby Girl pulls open the front of her Diaper, points down and says, with one of these I can get 100 of those.


43 posted on 02/01/2013 10:52:45 PM PST by Kickass Conservative (I only Fear a Government that doesn't Fear me.)
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To: Graybeard58

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.


44 posted on 02/01/2013 10:55:42 PM PST by Girlene
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To: Old Sarge

Two guys are fishing in a little row boat near a bridge. A funeral procession goes by and one guy stands up, takes his hat off and bows his head. When the procession is past he sits back down in the boat. “Jeez, that was nice of you’’, his friend said. The guy replies “Well after all I was married to her for thirty years, it’s the least I could do’’.


45 posted on 02/01/2013 11:44:25 PM PST by jmacusa (Political correctness is cultural Marxism. I'm not a Marxist.)
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To: Secret Agent Man

Was sitting on the porch one day.. Passing by was a strange funeral procession.. Two Hearse passed, behind a single man walking with a dog. Behind him a very long single file line of men..

I had to ask the man with the dog what was going on..

He stated his wife is in the first hearse, he and his wife ended up in a fight, the dog jumped in to protect him, killed the wife. In the second hearse is my Mother in Law, she jumped in, tried to save my wife. Dog killed her too.

Wow I said, can I borrow the dog. He said get in line!


46 posted on 02/02/2013 1:05:56 AM PST by WorksinKOP
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To: Bulwyf
Reminds me of an experience around the dinner table when I was 15. There was Dad, Mom, my three brothers and me. We were enjoying Sunday dinner and to my Mom's right sat my very witty 13 year old brother. Mom had already eaten quite a bit, and made the comment that "if I take one more bite, I think I'll pop." A few seconds later, indeed, she took one more bite, and my brother to her right yelled out towards her, "POW!" Scared the crap out of her, and without flinching, threw her right hand right across his face.

That was 40 years ago, and we still laugh about it today.

47 posted on 02/02/2013 3:26:59 AM PST by nfldgirl
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To: SgtHooper

An obnoxious woman and her two feral brats were in WalMart. The kids were getting into all kinds of mischief and trashing the place. An elderly greeter walked up to her with a smile and said, “what lovely children. Are they twins?”
“Of course not,” she snapped. “One is six and one is eight.”
“My mistake,” he said pleasantly. “I just find it hard to believe that a woman like you actually got laid twice.”


48 posted on 02/02/2013 5:08:28 AM PST by jespasinthru (Proud member of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.)
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To: imardmd1

I apologize, you are right to be confused...I was Freeping very late, and had three or four windows on different threads open at the same time and pasted that response into the wrong window. I can see how that must have been puzzling to you.

I am glad you turned around, FRiend...


49 posted on 02/02/2013 2:21:17 PM PST by rlmorel (1793 French Jacobins and 2012 American Liberals have a lot in common.)
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To: Vendome

Heh, funny since I posted in the wrong thread! But, it does count as humor, sooooo...I guess it’s gonna stay!

For the life of me, I cannot figure out the thread I was trying to post to! (I had been surfing for a few hours, and my eyes were nearly bleeding from the eye strain...


50 posted on 02/02/2013 2:30:26 PM PST by rlmorel (1793 French Jacobins and 2012 American Liberals have a lot in common.)
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