Skip to comments.***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***
Posted on 02/22/2013 5:33:41 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'
The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle or a shotgun.'
Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
At a recent rural elementary school meeting in north Florida, Hillary Clinton asked the kids in the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she started to slowly clap her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, she said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence." A young voice with a proud southern accent (probably Little Johnny) from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. "Well, stop clappin, ya stupid b@#$%!
Let’s see if it works...
“The two loudest sounds in the world are a bang when you’re expecting a click and a click when you’re expecting a bang.”
Wet blanket —
Throwing water on the post.
The cell phone name thingy — it’s a hoax, been around a while, probably a Facebook thing related to the Facebook profile ID number.
My cell phone's name is @[061:0]!
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old . . . . I’m telling everybody!’
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.
‘90?’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’
‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’ ‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. ‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.
‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards! ‘
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Wife: ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied , ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’
Let us pray......................
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk
Could be true
In the hospital where a family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, “How much will a brain cost?”
The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a Democrat’s brain; $200 for a Republican’s brain.”
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the Democrat’s brain so much more than a Republican’s brain?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans’ brains a lot lower because they’re used.”
SEND THIS TO A SMART Republican WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO ANY Democrat WHOM YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
Subject: Gun buy back plan
Participating in a gun buyback plan because you believe that the criminals have too many guns, is like having yourself castrated because you believe the neighbors have too many kids.
FLUMP = Fist Bump meets High Five ...
Reminds me of a story from more than 25 years ago. My dad was speaking to our pastor about my mom turning 40. My dad said he was thinking of trading her in on two 20-year-olds. Without skipping a beat, our pastor said "You're not wired for 220."
Here is something truly great..... neo roadrunner.
Brand new Wile E. Coyote
An honest to goodness, brand new Wile E. Coyote - Roadrunner cartoon made with today’s technology (but all of the old humor). Enjoy!! This is the first Roadrunner done with computer graphics. Lots can be done with computer graphics that will be far less expensive to complete than those old Disney style drawn animations. The computer graphics look good, and the video still has that Roadrunner fun. Only 3 minutes, but 3 minutes of fun! Be sure to go to “full screen” mode.
Ah, I thought it was going to go more in the supply-side direction.
Who cares? I’m IN!! YAY!!!
I had a business trip this week. When I checked in to the hotel, I asked the woman behind the counter if the porn channel was disabled. She said “No, it’s regular porn, you sick bastard!”
The late Igor said the same thing to me when I turned 40. My response? What makes you think you can handle 220 when you’re only wired for 110?
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
He knew spending meant power, so hour by hour, he thought up more spends from his Washington tower.
Ill spend without limits; Ill spend without blame! Raising taxes to paythats the name of the game.
Down the street, though, a House filled with thriftier folk had a budget to pass, or the countryd go broke. We cant spend all day; weve got bills to pay! Lets keep deficits and higher taxes away.
The Senate next door to the House just refused. We dont like your budget. Weve got some bad news: The President says we can spend all we want, and well simply raise taxes whenever we choose.
So they spent and they spent and they borrowed some more. And when all that was spent, they spent same as before.
But not everyone thought the spending was nice. In the House and the Senate, some spenders thought twice. Well cut down on spending. We have a bad feeling thenSMACK!right on schedule, they hit the debt ceiling.
Then the Presidents office, confronted with debt: If its cuts they want now, then its cuts they shall get. Well threaten such cuts that NO one would take, and show them that cuts are not smart to make.
This will make Congress move. Well just float out a tester broad, haphazard cuts that well call the sequester.
The Senate and even the House said, Okay! That will motivate us to find a good way. Well figure this out and stave off those cutsto allow them to happen, wed have to be nuts.
So the deadline was set, but the spending went on. A year and a half had soon come and gone. The House passed a budget; the Senate said no; the President very much enjoyed the show.
Spend higher! Spend faster! Grow the welfare rolls! Soon, love for the spending will show up in the polls. He even raised taxes, but it wasnt enoughthe levels of spending grew too fast to keep up.
Dont you mind the sequester, he told Capitol Hill. You said you would fix it, and Im sure you will.
But they could not agree on ways to cut spending, and before they knew it, the sequester was pending.
Oh no! they all cried. We cant let these cuts stand!
And the President said, WHO thought of this terrible plan?
They didnt remember his plan all along. He distracted them with his spending-cut song. Now he returned to save them from harm, and to keep them forgetting all but his charm.
So the President said with a glint in his eye, You tried to cut spending. I saw how you tried. But its just too painfulIm sure you can see. From the beginning, you should have listened to me.
Ill save you all from the spend-cutters axes. You see, the solution is just to raise taxes.
We dont know yet how this story will end. Will Congress raise taxes and continue to spend? We need a balanced budget with smarter cutsreforming entitlements will take guts.
Let the President know that were onto his plan. Share this story with as many people as you can.
Morning Bell: Obama and the Seuss-quester
So, who shot you anyway?
Here is another speed painter that you might like...
One of his paintings is hainging in one of my buildings.
The man who shot Liberty Valance.
Yes it is amazing. Interesting technique.
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