Skip to comments.Bloomberg to outlaw metal and plastic tableware
Posted on 03/07/2013 7:02:43 PM PST by RetiredTexasVet
New York City's Czar Michael Bloomberg today proposed banning metal and plastic tableware in NYC.
Czar Bloomberg cited the injuries caused by the metal and plastic tableware as the primary reason for the ban, although environmental and dietary concerns were also factored in the decision.
Czar Bloomberg cited the statistics and chart developed by Dr. Michael Mann, of Global Warming fame, to support the estimated 20,000,000 injuries each year caused by the offending tableware. When Dr. Mann was questioned about the data and the methodology used to develop and prepare the chart, Dr. Mann accused the questioners of being "deniers" and "haters of children". Some reporters noted that the presented chart looked suspiciously similar to the Global Warming "hockey stick" chart but Dr. Mann dismissed it as pure happenstance.
Cass Sunstein had suggested that an environmentally sound and sustainable alternative to metal or plastic tableware was available. Because of the dangers of knives and forks, only "sporks" would be available in the substitute tableware. A high technology cardboard spork is available for use today. The cardboard spork has several advantages over the metal or plastic because it is recyclable, is pliable and will bend rather than puncture, spontaneously starts to degrade within 20 minutes, and compliments the cardboard plates that will be used to replace Styrofoam plates. Additionally, NYC will get two green checkmarks on their Al Gore Saving Humanity report card.
Moo, the President's wife and health and dietary expert, is also in favor of the cardboard sporks because of their property of degrading within 20 minutes. This will limit amount of food that children or adults can consume at a single setting. Additionally schools, restaurants, and parents will required to have all food diced to ensure that it may be consumed without cutting instruments which will greatly aid in digestion as people do not chew their food properly and according to the strict chewing standards set forth in Dept. of Agriculture guidelines.
“...estimated 20,000,000 injuries each year caused by the offending tableware....”
I thought it was 500,000,000 injuries per year. Boy was I off base.
I hear Bloomberg puts salt on his Saltines.
He is your ordinary liberal elitist. His laws are for the Proles only.
Metallic silverware reflects sunlight back into space thus cooling the earth while warming space.
I would hope this is satire. Can you imagine a restaurant wahing the cardboard utensils? I can see it now. “Please give me the stiff ones so I can cut my rib-eye.”
My guess is that Nanny Bloomers will be going after pencil sharpeners next. They turn pencils into very sharp, deadly weapons that can be used by school “bullies” to take away other students’ free lunches. Ain’t the Nanny State great?!
He should just outlaw all food and be done with it.
And to continue, they say the sproc(?) starts to degrade within 20 minutes. What happens after one hour sitting in the tray at a buffet. I quess it is just a bunch of mush. Ha, Ha, Ha. And probably the heat generated by the decomposition of the cardboard will contribute to global warming and so Bloomberg will then have to ban them. That leaves only finger food. Have you ever tried to eat Jello or chocolate pudding with your fingers? Hooray for the banned hot dogs and potato chips.
They can take my plastic and metal tableware when they pry it from my cold dead hands!
Time to start making tons of youtube vids, with everyone using and eating and drinking everything that buzzard wants to deny his constituents!!!
PS ... in the local supermarket, you can buy a 24 ox. bottled soda for 60 cents!
After a recent AMA report, Bloomberg has determined the practice to be child abuse. The gay community in NYC is in full agreement with Bloomberg's new policy since intact men make better lovers.
Mayor Bloomberg also announced a plan to provide city-aid for foreskin reconstruction surgery and psychological therapy to non-intact residences of New York.
No, that was the number put out by Maxine Waters. That's where you heard it.
Sooner or later life will kill you. So we have decided to kill you now, painlesssly. For your own good. \liberal
Personally, I think he actually believes his own BS. I think he missed his true calling in life.......as a cult leader.
Of course the Kool Aid would have to use artificial sweetener.
This is the stupidest thing I’ve read in a while.
Bloomberg reminds me alot of a discarded foreskin, for some reason.
He, like a foreskin, exists on the planet to be largely useless.
He, like a foreskin, serves only to diminish pleasure.
He, like a foreskin, strives but is unsuccessfull in being a total d_ckhead.
Stroke of the pen, law of the land. Kinda cool!
It implies that he is talking about in schools.....maybe.
NYC is America’s first dictatorship.
I'm not so sure.
Many refuse to believe that duplicity, lies and an imperious behavior is not sufficient grounds to question underlying qualifications. A bigger, better dictatorship may alreay be in place.
Though I recognize this for what it is...nothing the Bleeping POEvilS known as Bloomberg surprises me. He will one day soon go to join Chavez in a God-forsaken, really hot place that smells of brimstone. May he scream loud enough for the leftist POS voters who elected him to hear his screams...so loud that they understand and know that they will be joining him...
omg, just wait till bloominnutsberg hears about diHydrogen-Oxide.
He probably wants us eating with chop sticks.
My understanding is that spork weasels will also be banned.
Still don’t understand the power of a stupid Governor or even a Mayor of a town. When they have this kind of power, it is time to lynch them! Where is the outrage! This is absolutely ridiculous!
A side note - if New Yorkers continue to accept these crazy and unconstitutional ideas then maybe the deserve their idiotic government! You absolutely stupid New Yorkers!
Sigh! Can’t tell a joke anymore without a laugh track!
Hilarious - thanks.
You should know that posting satire to FR is cruel and inhuman punishment to those on the left slope of the bell curve.
A follow-up article reads:
Bloomberg to Outlaw P*nises
Mayor Bloomberg today has ordered all p*nises in New York to be confiscated without compensation.
“We simply cannot, in all conscience, sit by and allow the endless pursuit of pleasure to lead us to the perilous status of family, with all the concomittant problems of crowding and nutrition,” the Mayor said at a news conference called to announce the move.
“We have therefore given all males in New York three days to turn in their p*nises at the nearest police station, after which special duty police enforcement units will be going door to door and snipping off these very dangerous organs.”
When asked, both President Obama and Attorney General Emmanuel applauded the move, provided only that it was applied exclusively to White Republicans.
When is he going to ban toilet paper? or has he already?
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