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Bloomberg to outlaw metal and plastic tableware
Future News Now | 3-7-13 | Retired Texas Vet

Posted on 03/07/2013 7:02:43 PM PST by RetiredTexasVet

New York City's Czar Michael Bloomberg today proposed banning metal and plastic tableware in NYC.

Czar Bloomberg cited the injuries caused by the metal and plastic tableware as the primary reason for the ban, although environmental and dietary concerns were also factored in the decision.

Czar Bloomberg cited the statistics and chart developed by Dr. Michael Mann, of Global Warming fame, to support the estimated 20,000,000 injuries each year caused by the offending tableware. When Dr. Mann was questioned about the data and the methodology used to develop and prepare the chart, Dr. Mann accused the questioners of being "deniers" and "haters of children". Some reporters noted that the presented chart looked suspiciously similar to the Global Warming "hockey stick" chart but Dr. Mann dismissed it as pure happenstance.

Cass Sunstein had suggested that an environmentally sound and sustainable alternative to metal or plastic tableware was available. Because of the dangers of knives and forks, only "sporks" would be available in the substitute tableware. A high technology cardboard spork is available for use today. The cardboard spork has several advantages over the metal or plastic because it is recyclable, is pliable and will bend rather than puncture, spontaneously starts to degrade within 20 minutes, and compliments the cardboard plates that will be used to replace Styrofoam plates. Additionally, NYC will get two green checkmarks on their Al Gore Saving Humanity report card.

Moo, the President's wife and health and dietary expert, is also in favor of the cardboard sporks because of their property of degrading within 20 minutes. This will limit amount of food that children or adults can consume at a single setting. Additionally schools, restaurants, and parents will required to have all food diced to ensure that it may be consumed without cutting instruments which will greatly aid in digestion as people do not chew their food properly and according to the strict chewing standards set forth in Dept. of Agriculture guidelines.


TOPICS: Food; Health/Medicine; Pets/Animals; Science
KEYWORDS: humor; on; satire; the; way

1 posted on 03/07/2013 7:02:44 PM PST by RetiredTexasVet
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To: RetiredTexasVet
Been wondering lately if Bloomie believes all of his BS or is just seeing how much he can get away with.
2 posted on 03/07/2013 7:04:48 PM PST by Hillarys Gate Cult (Liberals make unrealistic demands on reality and reality doesn't oblige them.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

“...estimated 20,000,000 injuries each year caused by the offending tableware....”

I thought it was 500,000,000 injuries per year. Boy was I off base.


3 posted on 03/07/2013 7:07:41 PM PST by theBuckwheat
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To: Hillarys Gate Cult

I hear Bloomberg puts salt on his Saltines.

He is your ordinary liberal elitist. His laws are for the Proles only.


4 posted on 03/07/2013 7:07:58 PM PST by Tea Party Terrorist (Those who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

Metallic silverware reflects sunlight back into space thus cooling the earth while warming space.


5 posted on 03/07/2013 7:08:16 PM PST by cripplecreek (REMEMBER THE RIVER RAISIN!)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

I would hope this is satire. Can you imagine a restaurant wahing the cardboard utensils? I can see it now. “Please give me the stiff ones so I can cut my rib-eye.”


6 posted on 03/07/2013 7:09:24 PM PST by ProudFossil (" I never did give anyone hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell." Harry Truman)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

My guess is that Nanny Bloomers will be going after pencil sharpeners next. They turn pencils into very sharp, deadly weapons that can be used by school “bullies” to take away other students’ free lunches. Ain’t the Nanny State great?!


7 posted on 03/07/2013 7:09:52 PM PST by FlingWingFlyer (Progressive, Marxist liberals do not evolve, they morph into fascists.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

He should just outlaw all food and be done with it.


8 posted on 03/07/2013 7:11:44 PM PST by Kirkwood (Zombie Hunter)
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To: ProudFossil

And to continue, they say the sproc(?) starts to degrade within 20 minutes. What happens after one hour sitting in the tray at a buffet. I quess it is just a bunch of mush. Ha, Ha, Ha. And probably the heat generated by the decomposition of the cardboard will contribute to global warming and so Bloomberg will then have to ban them. That leaves only finger food. Have you ever tried to eat Jello or chocolate pudding with your fingers? Hooray for the banned hot dogs and potato chips.


9 posted on 03/07/2013 7:13:02 PM PST by ProudFossil (" I never did give anyone hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell." Harry Truman)
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To: RetiredTexasVet; Clemenza; rmlew

They can take my plastic and metal tableware when they pry it from my cold dead hands!


10 posted on 03/07/2013 7:14:03 PM PST by Paleo Conservative (Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really out to get you.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

Time to start making tons of youtube vids, with everyone using and eating and drinking everything that buzzard wants to deny his constituents!!!

PS ... in the local supermarket, you can buy a 24 ox. bottled soda for 60 cents!


11 posted on 03/07/2013 7:24:42 PM PST by Terry L Smith
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To: RetiredTexasVet
In other news ... Mayor Bloomberg is proposing banning circumcision in New York City. Circumcision is a religious practice of Hebrews that has occurred for thousands of years. It has also been a medical practice in America for the last hundred years.

After a recent AMA report, Bloomberg has determined the practice to be child abuse. The gay community in NYC is in full agreement with Bloomberg's new policy since intact men make better lovers.

Mayor Bloomberg also announced a plan to provide city-aid for foreskin reconstruction surgery and psychological therapy to non-intact residences of New York.

12 posted on 03/07/2013 7:25:16 PM PST by ConservativeInPA (Molon Labe - Shall not be questioned)
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To: theBuckwheat
I thought it was 500,000,000 injuries per year. Boy was I off base.

No, that was the number put out by Maxine Waters. That's where you heard it.

13 posted on 03/07/2013 7:27:22 PM PST by lonestar (It takes a village of idiots to elect a village idiot.)
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To: Kirkwood
He should just outlaw all food and be done with it.

Well, there has been research that links food with obesity, so reasonable and commonsense food control measures are needed.
14 posted on 03/07/2013 7:32:06 PM PST by Army Air Corps (Four Fried Chickens and a Coke)
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To: Paleo Conservative
They can take my plastic and metal tableware when they pry it from my cold dead hands!

One drone headin' your way...
15 posted on 03/07/2013 7:34:30 PM PST by Army Air Corps (Four Fried Chickens and a Coke)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

Sooner or later life will kill you. So we have decided to kill you now, painlesssly. For your own good. \liberal


16 posted on 03/07/2013 7:38:00 PM PST by Hardraade (http://junipersec.wordpress.com (Vendetta))
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To: RetiredTexasVet
El Presidente
17 posted on 03/07/2013 7:42:52 PM PST by Vince Ferrer
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To: Hillarys Gate Cult

Personally, I think he actually believes his own BS. I think he missed his true calling in life.......as a cult leader.

Of course the Kool Aid would have to use artificial sweetener.


18 posted on 03/07/2013 8:02:05 PM PST by ChildOfThe60s (If you can remember the 60s.....you weren't really there)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

Wow.
This is the stupidest thing I’ve read in a while.


19 posted on 03/07/2013 8:15:43 PM PST by OneWingedShark (Q: Why am I here? A: To do Justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God.)
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To: ConservativeInPA

Bloomberg reminds me alot of a discarded foreskin, for some reason.

He, like a foreskin, exists on the planet to be largely useless.

He, like a foreskin, serves only to diminish pleasure.

He, like a foreskin, strives but is unsuccessfull in being a total d_ckhead.


20 posted on 03/07/2013 8:16:10 PM PST by One Name (Ultimately, the TRUTH is a razor's edge and no man can sit astride it.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

Stroke of the pen, law of the land. Kinda cool!


21 posted on 03/07/2013 8:24:43 PM PST by OrioleFan (Republicans believe every day is July 4th, Democrats believe every day is April 15th.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

It implies that he is talking about in schools.....maybe.


22 posted on 03/07/2013 8:27:50 PM PST by spel_grammer_an_punct_polise (Learn three chords and you, too, can be a Rock Star!)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

NYC is America’s first dictatorship.


23 posted on 03/07/2013 8:28:18 PM PST by SkyDancer (Live your life in such a way that the Westboro church will want to picket your funeral.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet
this is Satire right? Because if this is a real story, someone needs to call the local nuthouse, and tell them one of theirs is missing.
24 posted on 03/07/2013 8:29:42 PM PST by Shadowstrike (Be polite, Be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet
Cute.
Almost got me. But this is the age of Obama, and anything weird, stupid, improbable and even impossible can and will be claimed, with the usual asinine phrases, "the reality is..." or "the fact is..." or "it's the right thing to do..." or "everybody knows..."
25 posted on 03/07/2013 8:46:13 PM PST by publius911 (Look for the Union label, then buy something else.)
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To: SkyDancer
NYC is America’s first dictatorship.

I'm not so sure.
Many refuse to believe that duplicity, lies and an imperious behavior is not sufficient grounds to question underlying qualifications. A bigger, better dictatorship may alreay be in place.

26 posted on 03/07/2013 8:53:38 PM PST by publius911 (Look for the Union label, then buy something else.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

Though I recognize this for what it is...nothing the Bleeping POEvilS known as Bloomberg surprises me. He will one day soon go to join Chavez in a God-forsaken, really hot place that smells of brimstone. May he scream loud enough for the leftist POS voters who elected him to hear his screams...so loud that they understand and know that they will be joining him...


27 posted on 03/07/2013 8:55:57 PM PST by GGpaX4DumpedTea (I am a Tea Party descendant...steeped in the Constitutional Republic given to us by the Founders.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

omg, just wait till bloominnutsberg hears about diHydrogen-Oxide.


28 posted on 03/07/2013 9:10:13 PM PST by budj (beam me up, scotty...)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

He probably wants us eating with chop sticks.


29 posted on 03/07/2013 9:13:23 PM PST by RC one (.From My Cold Dead Hands.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

My understanding is that spork weasels will also be banned.


30 posted on 03/07/2013 9:21:53 PM PST by green pastures (Cynicism-- it's not just for breakfast anymore...)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

Still don’t understand the power of a stupid Governor or even a Mayor of a town. When they have this kind of power, it is time to lynch them! Where is the outrage! This is absolutely ridiculous!


31 posted on 03/07/2013 9:24:45 PM PST by Deagle (quo)
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To: RetiredTexasVet
Fight fair. Fight back!


32 posted on 03/07/2013 9:25:40 PM PST by Daffynition (The essential American soul is hard, isolate, stoic, and a killer. It has never yet melted. — D.H.)
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To: Hillarys Gate Cult

A side note - if New Yorkers continue to accept these crazy and unconstitutional ideas then maybe the deserve their idiotic government! You absolutely stupid New Yorkers!


33 posted on 03/07/2013 9:29:12 PM PST by Deagle (quo)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

Sigh! Can’t tell a joke anymore without a laugh track!


34 posted on 03/07/2013 9:32:24 PM PST by Revolting cat! (Bad things are wrong! Ice cream is delicious!)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

Hilarious - thanks.


35 posted on 03/07/2013 9:33:16 PM PST by mykroar (Sig is pending a Conservative party.)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

You should know that posting satire to FR is cruel and inhuman punishment to those on the left slope of the bell curve.


36 posted on 03/07/2013 9:33:45 PM PST by editor-surveyor (Freepers: Not as smart as I'd hoped they'd be)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

A follow-up article reads:

Bloomberg to Outlaw P*nises

Mayor Bloomberg today has ordered all p*nises in New York to be confiscated without compensation.

“We simply cannot, in all conscience, sit by and allow the endless pursuit of pleasure to lead us to the perilous status of family, with all the concomittant problems of crowding and nutrition,” the Mayor said at a news conference called to announce the move.

“We have therefore given all males in New York three days to turn in their p*nises at the nearest police station, after which special duty police enforcement units will be going door to door and snipping off these very dangerous organs.”

When asked, both President Obama and Attorney General Emmanuel applauded the move, provided only that it was applied exclusively to White Republicans.


37 posted on 03/08/2013 12:58:22 AM PST by Jack Hammer
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To: RetiredTexasVet

Spork him.

:o)


38 posted on 03/08/2013 2:40:05 AM PST by BigCinBigD (...Was that okay?)
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To: RetiredTexasVet

When is he going to ban toilet paper? or has he already?


39 posted on 03/08/2013 4:27:17 AM PST by 2001convSVT (Going Galt as fast as I can.)
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