Skip to comments.***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***
Posted on 04/26/2013 5:47:59 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Never have I seen such commitment to photobombing as this woman's.
Yes, penguins have rocket propelled poop. You won't learn that on Discovery Channel.
He wanted soda. He got soda. To the faaaaaaaaace!!!!
Not sure what exactly is going on here, but $100 says that alcohol was involved.
A painful bee sting is the price you've got to pay for a photo as awesome as this.
"Pleased to meet you, concrete."
"It is the last time you'll sh*t on me!"
His thoughts became a shadow.
Little did Gary know that the right combination of Coors Light, beef jerky and Molly Hatchet
was all it took to summon the ancient fire god of Hawkins county.
Probably not the new Facebook profile photo they were hoping for.
Enjoy your new broken camera.
One of these cats will pee on your couch.
Wooooohooooooooo top 10!
That will never work, you stupid git!!!
reminds me of McCain during the debates of 2008
WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,... word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.See More
I had a polygraph tester ask me once if there was anything I had ever done, that I didn’t want anyone to know about. After I said yes, he got really upset with me because I wouldn’t tell him.
"First, on your way home stop and buy a bunch of bananas and a dozen plain donuts. When it's time for lovemaking, you are to both strip completely naked. Mrs. Green, you are to sit across the floor from Mr. Green and present a suitable target for a peeled banana. Mr. Green, you are to attempt to slide the banana across the floor into the target. When you are successful, crawl across the floor and remove the banana without using your hands.
"When you have completed this exercise, Mr. Green is to sit across the floor and present a suitable target for a donut. Mrs. Green, you are to attempt to toss a "ringer." When you are successful, crawl across the floor on all fours and remove the donut without using your hands."
Mr. and Mrs. Green followed the instructions and within a month their love life had been totally rejuvenated. They couldn't talk enough about how wonderful Dr. Gray had been for their marriage.
When Mr. and Mrs. Brown found out, they immediately made an appointment with Dr. Gray. He gave them the same complete work-up, but at the end said, "I'm sorry, I can't help you."
"But," protested Mrs. Brown, "You were such a help to our friends, the Greens! We're at our wits end and we're afraid our marriage is about to fail. Won't you please help us?"
With a sigh, Dr. Gray said, "I will try, but you must follow my instructions to the letter. On the way home buy a dozen cucumbers and a box of Cheerios."
Whoa! Where have I been? I used to be 4 years older than her. Now I'm 6 years younger.
Sign at a Gun Show
“My brother and I went to the Gun Show at Reliant Center Saturday, Mar. 23, 2013.
An all-day big show and lots of guns. Looked like people buying mostly hand guns and a lot were just looking, as we were.
Thousands of people, hundreds signing up and joining the NRA - wow!
The best sign I saw there was at a booth that read:
“IF YOU VOTED FOR OBAMA, WE DO NOT WANT YOUR BUSINESS. YOU’RE TOO DAMN STUPID TO HAVE A FIREARM!”
50 tricks, not 50 years old.
Beware of older men......
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.”
The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she asks, “Okay, okay....How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
The old man says, “Promise you won’t get mad?”
“I promise I won’t.” she says.
“I was behind you at McDonalds...”
Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes, and 25 trafficked Latino prostitutes all in a
semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.
Local residents were stunned, and a community organizer said:
“We’re all shocked; we never knew we had a library”.
Monica Lewinsky; Born: Monica Samille Lewinsky July 23, 1973
Monica Lewinsky; Monica Lewinsky, May 1997: Born: Monica Samille Lewinsky July 23, 1973
Bad news about Grandpa
An elderly man had a masssive stroke and the family drove him to the emergency room.
After a while, the ER doctor appeared with a long face.
“I’m afraid Gramdpa is brain dead, but his heart is still beating”.
“Oh dear God”, his wife cried. “We’ve never had a liberal in the family before.”
Samille is French for stogie
Is this the right room for an argument?
I’ve told you once.
Actually, she’s turning 40 in July. Still a good one, though. And as long as we’re talking about Ms. Lewinsky...
Monica is taking a walk along the beach when she sees a bottle half buried in the sand. She picks it up and wipes some of the sand off to see what it is and a genie pops out.
The genie says, “While I appreciate you freeing me from the bottle, I’m not completely cut off from the outside world in there. I know who you are and what you did, and you should be ashamed. But since you did free me from the bottle, I will grant you one wish. Choose carefully.”
Monica thinks for a few minutes and says, “You know, it would be nice if I could get rid of these love handles.”
The genie raises his hands and says, “As you wish, so shall it be done,” and her ears fall off.
and the opportunist finished the drink while all those other idiots are thinking.
That pic is missing one:
Engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be in order to hold that amount of liquid.
No you didn’t!
I thought it was going to be at BATF headquarters.
I’ve been joking for some time now that the claw hammer in my tool collection is an “assault hammer” because it has a fiberglass handle.
No, it isn’t.