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My favorite joke
friend | 5/1/2013 | unknown

Posted on 05/01/2013 12:31:35 PM PDT by econjack

A guy is out walking in a field and spots a large hole in the ground. He walks over to it and peers over the edge. He can't see the bottom, so he looks around and spots a pebble. He tosses the pebble in the hole, cocks his head, and listens.

Nothing.

He looks around again, sees a large boulder, hefts it up and waddles over to the edge of the hole and heaves it it and cocks his head.

Nothing.

He looks around once more and spots a large railroad tie. With considerable effort, he drags it to the edge, stands it on end, and shoves it over the edge and cocks his head.

Nothing.

However, as he is listening, his peripheral vision notices motion on top of the hill and he looks up to see a goat running as fast as any four-legged animal he has ever seen. Suddenly, it hangs a hard right turn and comes racing down the hill at break-neck speed, barely giving the guy enough time to jump out of the way. As he does, the goat dives head-first into the hole. He cocks his head and listens.

Nothing.

Just then, a farmer comes up and asks: "Have you seen a goat around here?"

The guy responds: "He was up on that ridge and was running faster than anything I've ever seen and then he turned sharply to the right, raced down the hill, and dived into that hole over there."

The farmer said: "Impossible."

The guy said: "I'm not lying...full speed down the hill and dived into that hole!"

Farmer repeated: "Impossible. I had him chained to a railroad tie."


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: humor; joke
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I love this one...
1 posted on 05/01/2013 12:31:35 PM PDT by econjack
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To: econjack

Too funny!!!!! Thanks for sharing


2 posted on 05/01/2013 12:35:51 PM PDT by BornToBeAmerican (Don't forget love)
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To: econjack

3 posted on 05/01/2013 12:41:46 PM PDT by Liberty Valance (Keep a simple manner for a happy life :o)
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To: econjack

that is really funny!


4 posted on 05/01/2013 12:45:34 PM PDT by brivette
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To: econjack

My father’s favorite joke was: “Did you hear about the thrifty tomcat? Every night he put a little in the kitty.”

My favorite joke is: “Mama, Mama, why am I going around in circles? Shut up, kid, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”


5 posted on 05/01/2013 12:46:59 PM PDT by Twotone (Marte Et Clypeo)
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To: econjack

A sick, sick joke.


6 posted on 05/01/2013 12:53:14 PM PDT by WaldenPond (No Taxation Without Representation)
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To: Twotone

I don’t think I’ll tell the “Buttered Corn” joke.


7 posted on 05/01/2013 12:53:52 PM PDT by Dr. Bogus Pachysandra ( Ya can't pick up a turd by the clean end!)
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To: econjack

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and
accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.

“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.

“No, but I have,” replied the nurse.

Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!


8 posted on 05/01/2013 12:57:34 PM PDT by areukiddingme1 (areukiddingme1 is a synonym for a Retired U.S. Navy Chief Petty Officer and tired of liberal BS.))
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To: Liberty Valance

Once a socialist, always a socialist.


9 posted on 05/01/2013 12:58:41 PM PDT by OldNavyVet
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To: econjack
“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.

Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'”

10 posted on 05/01/2013 12:58:59 PM PDT by Alex Murphy ("If you are not firm in faith, you will not be firm at all" - Isaiah 7:9)
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To: econjack

I’d get banned for posting the whole joke so here’s the punchline:

“With gums like that, who would?”


11 posted on 05/01/2013 12:59:09 PM PDT by PLMerite (Shut the Beyotch Down! Burn, baby, burn!)
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To: econjack
 photo 3081d513-a940-47dc-a96a-fc96c3fcb8f0_zps6b9f7e18.jpg
12 posted on 05/01/2013 1:00:29 PM PDT by Fast Moving Angel (A moral wrong is not a civil right: No religious sanction of an irreligious act.)
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To: Liberty Valance

I love that gif.


13 posted on 05/01/2013 1:01:22 PM PDT by left that other site ((Ban the ubiquitous and deadly solvent, Di-hydrogen monoxide!!!))
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To: Dr. Bogus Pachysandra

Haven’t heard that one in a long time. :)


14 posted on 05/01/2013 1:01:22 PM PDT by sopwith (don't tread on me)
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To: econjack
I've told that one many times, but had three Cub Scouts as the 'guy'

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "OK. Involuntary Muscle contractions. Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his buddies."

15 posted on 05/01/2013 1:01:31 PM PDT by FatherofFive (Islam is evil and must be eradicated)
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To: areukiddingme1

Never go to a doctor in SF. The doc tells his patient “it is time for your prostate check, drop trough and face the wall”. The doc snaps on gloves and begins, after placing his left hand on the patients shoulder the probing starts. During the probing, after a sort time, the patient realizes the doctors right hand is on his other shoulder! Run away!


16 posted on 05/01/2013 1:02:26 PM PDT by central_va (I won't be reconstructed and I do not give a damn.)
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To: sopwith

“Long time.” Like 50+ years.


17 posted on 05/01/2013 1:05:34 PM PDT by Dr. Bogus Pachysandra ( Ya can't pick up a turd by the clean end!)
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To: econjack

Just because this hit my inbox while I was reading yours...

Theater seats -

An old man lay sprawled
across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this,
he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The old man just groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m
going to have to call the manager.”

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old
disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Fred,” the old man moaned.

“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied............”The balcony.”


18 posted on 05/01/2013 1:12:01 PM PDT by Abathar (Proudly posting without reading the article carefully since 2004)
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To: Fast Moving Angel

That bad, huh?


19 posted on 05/01/2013 1:12:59 PM PDT by econjack (Some people are as dumb as soup.)
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To: FatherofFive
My favorite oldie:

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. He made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him."Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete fool of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire marketing department and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!"

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

20 posted on 05/01/2013 1:16:41 PM PDT by Snake65
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To: areukiddingme1

So the doctor told me I was very sick and might die.

Shocked at the news, I said, “Gee, Doc. I’d better get a second opinion”

“Alright here is my second opinion”, he replied, “You’re ugly too!”

I’ll be here all week, folks. Don’t forget to tip your waitress on your way out and drive safely!


21 posted on 05/01/2013 1:20:22 PM PDT by llevrok (2013: America is in a cold civil war.)
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To: econjack

Good one. When I lived in Texas many years ago, Aggie jokes were all the rage. My two favorites:

Did you hear about the Aggie who almost one the Indianapolis 500? He lost because he had to stop three times - once for gas and twice for directions.

Did you hear about the Aggie who tried to beat the railroad crossing? He was killed when he hit the 32nd car.

Poor Aggies.


22 posted on 05/01/2013 1:21:02 PM PDT by NTHockey (Rules of engagement #1: Take no prisoners)
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To: econjack

How many dead people are buried in Forest Lawn cemetery?


23 posted on 05/01/2013 1:21:15 PM PDT by llevrok (2013: America is in a cold civil war.)
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To: econjack

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He sat up all night wondering if there really is a dog.


24 posted on 05/01/2013 1:24:08 PM PDT by CrazyIvan (Obama's birth certificate was found stapled to Soros's receipt.)
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To: econjack

Three couples sought to join a church, an elderly pair, a middle aged couple and two young newly weds.

The pastor told all three couples that, in order to join the church, they would have to abstain from sex for a month. They should all meet with him in a month and report on their experience.

A month later, in the pastors office, the elderly couple said they managed fine and were ready to join up. The middle aged couple said it was a difficult month but with prayer and determination they made it. The pastor welcomed them in and asked the young couple how they did.

The young man said they made it about two weeks and then lost it. “What happened?” asked the pastor,

“Well, she bent over to pick up a can of soup and I lost it, I tore off her pants and just drilled her”

The pastor, a bit taken aback by the language, explained that they couldn’t join his church.

“That’s okay” said the young man, “We can’t go back to Safeway either”


25 posted on 05/01/2013 1:24:15 PM PDT by muir_redwoods (Don't fire until you see the blue of their helmets)
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To: econjack

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your
wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You Bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a
hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom ....

“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more
outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

Paddy stands up and says ....

“I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that
arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”


26 posted on 05/01/2013 1:24:23 PM PDT by mirkwood
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To: econjack
There were two peanuts walking down the street
and one of them was assaulted ...
peanut.
27 posted on 05/01/2013 1:25:52 PM PDT by who_would_fardels_bear
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To: llevrok

All of them.


28 posted on 05/01/2013 1:26:05 PM PDT by llevrok (2013: America is in a cold civil war.)
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To: llevrok
How many dead people are buried in Forest Lawn cemetery?

All of them.

29 posted on 05/01/2013 1:26:29 PM PDT by justlurking (tagline removed, as demanded by Admin Moderator)
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To: NTHockey

My favorite Aggie joke: what do you call an Aggie three years after graduating?

Boss

Gig’em


30 posted on 05/01/2013 1:27:37 PM PDT by HopeSprings
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To: econjack

All I can say regarding the best jokes of our time is that the left wing media by way of Yahoo Answers et al have managed to delete all previous references to “KENYA THEY GOT EM ALL OVER THE PLACE” as the punchline of The Parrot Joke and replaced it simply with CHICAGO. Now THERE’s Soros-funded “web optimization” in action!


31 posted on 05/01/2013 1:30:31 PM PDT by golux
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To: econjack

It’s times like these when FR needs a “like” button. Thanks for a good laugh.


32 posted on 05/01/2013 1:32:45 PM PDT by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Some people take there grammar way to seriously.)
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To: Dr. Bogus Pachysandra
Or the “bald headed mouse” joke.
33 posted on 05/01/2013 1:45:15 PM PDT by 4yearlurker (God Bless America!)
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To: ZirconEncrustedTweezers

Every once in awhile we all need a good laugh...


34 posted on 05/01/2013 1:46:09 PM PDT by econjack (Some people are as dumb as soup.)
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To: econjack
The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador, John Bolton.

They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

Ambassador Bolton said, "Well anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs or Muslims on Star Trek."

Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."


35 posted on 05/01/2013 1:49:11 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Mater tua caligas exercitus gerit ;-{)
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To: econjack

An armed and masked man enters a bank and demands that a teller give him all the money. At that moment, his mask falls off.

Bank robber (to the teller): Did you see my face?

Teller: Yes, I did.

Boom! He shoots her in the head.

The robber turns to the customer who is next on line.

Bank robber: Did you see my face?

Customer: Yes, I did.

Boom! He shots the customer in the head.

Next on line is an elderly couple.

Bank robber: Did either of you see my face?

Elderly gentleman: No, I didn’t but she did.


36 posted on 05/01/2013 1:57:40 PM PDT by JohnG45
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To: econjack

37 posted on 05/01/2013 2:01:51 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Mater tua caligas exercitus gerit ;-{)
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To: econjack
Two aggies walking down the sideline of Kyle Field on weekday afternoon when one of them spots the school mascot, Reville, licking its genitals.

The first one says to his friend "don't you wish you could do that?"

The other responds .. "Oh, no, that dog would bite me!!!"

38 posted on 05/01/2013 2:01:53 PM PDT by tx_eggman (Liberalism is only possible in that moment when a man chooses Barabas over Christ.)
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To: econjack

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

The poor guy stayed awake all night wondering if there really IS a dog.


39 posted on 05/01/2013 2:03:03 PM PDT by gorush (History repeats itself because human nature is static)
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To: econjack
The Baby Buggy Joke has been around for a number of decades. Here's the 1980 version.

In 1980, a man was working at a baby buggy factory in the Soviet Union. For some reason, the company's products were never seen in the stores.

Since the employee's wife was expecting a baby, he would soon be in the market for a baby buggy, so he thought he could save some money by building one of his own from parts smuggled out of the factory. So each evening when he went home, he smuggled out a different part. When he had all of the necessary parts, he began to construct the baby buggy.

When he was finished, he found out why the factory's products were never seen in the stores. Instead of a baby buggy, he had an SS-18 ICBM.

40 posted on 05/01/2013 2:11:09 PM PDT by Fiji Hill
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To: NTHockey

You lived in Texas, do you know why they serve cake at an Aggie wedding?

To keep the flies off the bride.

(and I was an Aggie bride) :)

I like short jokes. Do you know what the duck said to the prostitute?

Put it on my bill!


41 posted on 05/01/2013 2:14:46 PM PDT by Ditter
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Two nuns are walking through a park late one night when they are attacked by two men who drag them into the bushes and rape them.

As she’s being ravished, one of the nuns cries out, “Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do.”

The other nun says, “Mine does!”


42 posted on 05/01/2013 2:15:46 PM PDT by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Some people take there grammar way to seriously.)
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To: justlurking

I drove by New York’s Bellevue Hospital the other day. You know who is in there ??


43 posted on 05/01/2013 2:26:36 PM PDT by llevrok (2013: America is in a cold civil war.)
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To: econjack
 photo Herman_zps7c4eb0f5.jpg
44 posted on 05/01/2013 2:35:16 PM PDT by gorush (History repeats itself because human nature is static)
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To: areukiddingme1

You got me.. LOL


45 posted on 05/01/2013 2:36:21 PM PDT by Vinnie
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To: NTHockey

I get the Aggie jokes all the time. What’s the difference between Aggies and cereal? Cereal makes it to the bowl.


46 posted on 05/01/2013 2:48:56 PM PDT by EQAndyBuzz (The reason we own guns is to protect ourselves from those wanting to take our guns from us.)
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To: econjack

bkmk


47 posted on 05/01/2013 2:50:39 PM PDT by Sergio (An object at rest cannot be stopped! - The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight)
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To: Alex Murphy

Now that’s funny


48 posted on 05/01/2013 2:56:52 PM PDT by BornToBeAmerican (Don't forget love)
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To: EQAndyBuzz

And deserves to be in one!


49 posted on 05/01/2013 2:59:09 PM PDT by txhurl
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To: econjack

This is perhaps the best blonde joke I have ever heard.

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer’s face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, “Well, what is answer?”

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.


50 posted on 05/01/2013 3:03:35 PM PDT by BornToBeAmerican (Don't forget love)
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