Skip to comments.Marriage Damaged by Porn: A Pastorís Reflections
Posted on 06/20/2013 12:01:02 PM PDT by Resettozero
Recently I was asked about a very difficult situation.
A woman has been married to a man with a long-term addiction to pornography. The last few years hes been trying to stop, but by his own efforts alone. When she asks him if hes struggling he will deny it. She finds out hes using again and then has the double-hurt of his use and his lying.
At one point, with her husbands permission, she talked with their pastor (who is also her husbands brother) about this situation. He told her that her husband had to seek help (true) and that there was nothing he could do (not necessarily true). He then said a prayer. If her hope was for anything more than that, she was disappointed.
She concluded this part of her story (there is another piece of the story well take up in subsequent post) by saying this problem has gone on for so long I dont talk to my husband about it anymore.
(Excerpt) Read more at covenanteyes.com ...
And now we learn that his son is too...and listening to your phone calls.;-)
And he’s watching you read and post to FR...!
The Lord has the real database, and the big difference between the two?
God’s database has a delete function.
I’m not so sure the advice here is all that great.
Couple things here - is the why? Porn meets a need. Why is the husband not getting his needs met by his wife? Why is he finding it easier and more comfortable to use porn than to go to his wife and ask? Why is she finding it more comfortable to catch him and nag him than to get down to the bottom of it?
I realize that men and women have very different ways of looking at things - but if the wife were to go to the pastor and say, “I want x but I’m not getting enough of X - he’d go back to the man and have that difficult conversation about how he needs to work at fulfilling his wife’s needs!
We wouldn’t be going back and telling the husband to find a ‘support group of folks’ who understand what it’s like to deal with a woman. Would we have much sympathy here?
The first question, and the most important one is this. What need is porn filling?
It is a 'want'. Far different than a 'need'.
That’s crazy psychobabble. The man is giving into temptation, plain and simple. It is not that unusual but it is certainly NOT the wife’s fault in any way, except to the extent she enables his behavior.
I ask again, what need is porn filling?
“Thats crazy psychobabble. The man is giving into temptation, plain and simple. It is not that unusual but it is certainly NOT the wifes fault in any way, except to the extent she enables his behavior.”
Again, if we were to flip this around would the pastor be telling the man that he had to satisfy his wife? Or would he be providing the advice here that the man had to find a support group? The only thing I can see a support group doing is helping the wife find another man.
I’m not saying that’s the case here, but why is porn tempting? What need is porn filling for this man that he’s not presently getting? Why does the husband find it more comfortable to use porn than to go to his wife?
Ok, I had a friend who was wanting to wait until she was married to have sex. She had delayed the wedding when she found out her fiancee had spent hundreds of dollars on porn and anytime he was alone, he was looking at porn. Are you saying she was at fault for not sleeping with him prior to marriage?
What bunk... You're assuming or projecting this guy needs satisfaction from women and looks to porn to get it. For all we know, this guy needs a jar of lube, leather and an ass smacking from a big fat bald guy to be filled.
Don't blame this on the wife. The man is weak, lustful and doesn't deal with his impulsive behavior.
You are asking a rhetorical question, I assume. The answer is obvious. Men are inclined to be tempted by attractive women and the sight of them, and a variety of them. Even if they are otherwise happily married. Avoiding or resisting tempting circumastances is the proper thing to do, but sometimes we needs God’s help to do that. This cannot be lost on you, can it?
“I ask again, what need is porn filling?”
When Jesus said, you are not to look at a woman to lust after here, for it is the same as committing adultery, he didn’t add the caveat: “Unless of course your needs are not being fulfilled.”
” Why does the husband find it more comfortable to use porn than to go to his wife?
Because porn is easy.
Because porn requires no effort on his part.
Because porn is totally selfish.
Because porn is a sin, and we tend to enjoy sinning.
Because he has developed a mental/physical habit that is extremely tough to break.
Because porn women are not real, never have a problem, never have a need, don’t have to be sacrificed for, and exist just to please him. He can tailor them perfectly to his perceived desires of the moment. Wives are not capable, not for a minute, of this type of perfection.
In the example, she was completely at fault for finding someone too stupid to find free porn
“Porn is inadequate for fulfillment”
I’m not challenging this. I’m challenging the advice given by the article. I find the advice given wholly inadequate at addressing what is really going on.
Okay. But did you get my point that I’m sure others can receive benefit by going to the website and reading the article at the link?
Soft core stuff doesn’t show me anything I haven’t already seen.
Hard core stuff doesn’t show me anything I ever WANT to see.
“Because porn is easy.”
And asking his wife for sex is hard?
Yes, but it doesn’t fill. It doesn’t give the man what he’s really looking for. Absent actually meeting what his desires are - he’s taking what he can get.
“Because porn requires no effort on his part.”
I don’t really think it’s about effort. Are his efforts being rewarded?
“Because porn is totally selfish.”
Well sure, wanting sex is selfish, and turning down sex is not.
“Because porn is a sin, and we tend to enjoy sinning.”
Sin meets a need. Just saying, ‘It’s a sin’, doesn’t attempt to get at the why.
“Because he has developed a mental/physical habit that is extremely tough to break.”
Ok, this I buy. He’s been accustomed to meeting and satisfying his sexual desires in this form, and it’s hard for him to break the habit.
So how can a wife help with this aside from, “finding a support group?”
“Because porn women are not real, never have a problem, never have a need, dont have to be sacrificed for, and exist just to please him. He can tailor them perfectly to his perceived desires of the moment. Wives are not capable, not for a minute, of this type of perfection.”
No, actually, he can’t ‘tailor them to his perceived desires’. He’s not getting his desires - it’s substitute for them.
Why is he preferring not having sex with his wife to having sex with his wife?
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