Skip to comments.FReeper Advice on Divorce
Posted on 07/12/2013 11:42:18 PM PDT by wac3rd
I want some advice as to any FReepers who have gone through a divorce. We have good jobs, good health (I'm a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6'4") and two young kids, 6 and 2.
There is just no feeling there anymore, we just resent each other and there is no love or passion. We sleep apart, don't do date night and our social lives, other than family and kid/school/sports activities are apart.
I tried to get her to church, she isn't super religious, but spiritual (good person).
I live in the suburbs on San Francisco and feel really lonely after coming home, working long hours, and feeling unwanted. I love the kids so much but my wife is constantly complaining about something I do wrong.
I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse. After 10 years, we rarely are intimate and she is happier at a cooking class or bike riding with the girls than going to a movie, dinner or working out with me.
I wonder if any FReepers have been through this, I pray a lot asking what I can do, but she is so negative and never smiles when I am home. It is really tough.
Any advice would be appreciated.
I would just say remember your kids above else. Tell your wife to remember them as well.
Your kids are depending on you to give them the family they deserve, it doesn’t have to be perfect, but they deserve an intact family.
I’m praying for you.
Sounds like a typical marriage.
Work though the burn.
Other than that , the only winners are the lawyers !!
Glad I’m a perpetual bachelor then.
You know, most of my married friends say the same thing. The women become mean, distant...read weird books, take yoga, eat crazy healthy stuff and are angry and resentful.
I wish we could be close again. I hate being alone when I’m married.
Hate to tell ya’.....but same here. It’s tough.....but I do it for the kids. They are they main reason.
Oh, and compliment her instead of feeling slighted.
Sure, you have needs but so does she.
My only piece of advice I can give is that you cannot change her, just yourself.
Be nice and civil towards her, at all costs. However, put your energies into your hobbies and, as best you can, make your home a welcome place for yourself.
We've been married now for 24 1/2 years.
Your mileage may vary, and every relationship is different, but family is important. Do what you can to keep it together.
If it just can't work, then so be it. But try.
Have you told her this?
Enjoy your new apartment complex. Wish I was kidding.
I will definitely pray for you, and I will have a prayer warrior friend of mine pray for your marriage as well.
I would recommend doing research on Marriage counseling, or talk to your Pastor to see if he could council you two. And once armed with the option of pursuing this, if I were you, I would tell her straight out your concerns, your wants, and your needs in a very serious conversation. Tell her that you want her to consider counseling with you, to let her know that you are really serious in making things better. Also tell her that you love her, unconditionally, and be very gentle with her.
Also remember that, outside of Jesus Christ, there is no salvation. You should be zealous on this. If she is spiritual but does not believe in her heart that Jesus is the Christ, then you must warn her. I am a hypocrite on this, as I myself find it difficult to broach the subject with loved ones, especially when they are prone to scoffing at Christianity. Nevertheless, it is important, and should be amongst your priorities.
God bless you, and whatever you decide to do, I’ll definitely pray that all goes well for you.
Rom 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Why dont we stop fooling ourselves
the game is over, over over...
No good times, no bad times
there’s no times left just the new York times
sitting on my windowsill with the flowers.
We might as well be apart
it hardly matters we sleep separately
drop a smile passing in the hall
but there’s no laughs left cause we laughed them all
Yes we laughed them all in a very short time
passing in the doorway
blowing through my window
rattling the teacups
and I wonder....
How long can I delay
we’re just a habit, like saccharine
and i’m habitually feeling kinna blue
but each time
I try on
the thought of leaving you
Stop and Think It Over.
That would be ok. I just need a place to hang my hat.
Try to see if you can rekindle something for the kids. Maybe if you point out how much worse your kids would be off after a divorce, she’d commit to working on your marriage.
I know young kids really put stress on a marriage.
The other thing you might consider is to move out the the Bay Area. I don’t think the culture there is very pro-family, and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear your wife’s girlfriends are a bunch of awful nags (probably not helping the situation).
This is so sad, I hope things get better!
I work a lot, which I am thankful for, but the urge for companionship and a “fun partner” to try things with, dance with, travel with, read with...is never there.
She would rather go to a meal swap deal with her girlfriends vs. hanging with me.
I just feel trapped, and depressed.
Above all my good fellow, speak lovingly to her but frankly, before you ask a stranger for advice.
I hate to say this, but if you can, just have sex with her. It’s a little hard for me nowadays because I keep getting her pregnant.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”
Wives can really undermine a marriage by complaining and criticizing. I always thought it was just a reflection of some underlying unhappiness, perhaps because hubby isn’t very attentive or caring .. at least not as much as in her dreams.
But it could just be an inherent part of femaleness?
Listen to any valid or even reasonable criticism and change accordingly. Try to keep a marriage going if there’s any reasonable chance it can be made to work out.
But tune out the excess carping. I remember my grandfather walking out on grandma’s screaming session one day. She kept right on screaming for an hour or two longer, not realizing her hubby had walked out the door. He came back after she quieted down. Things worked out ok for a few weeks, anyway, after that.
What more can I say? That’s already more than I really understand. Good luck with it!
Thanks for the great support. God Bless.
I don’t advise divorce. She would almost certainly get the children, at least most of the time (especially if you initiate the divorce), and you don’t want your kids influenced by a series of boyfriends and such.
My husband and I have been married 22 years now and we have certainly had rough patches. I’ve discovered that at least for us, if we just hang on and get through the rough patches, it does get better again.
If your wife is not very religious, perhaps a more secular approach to revitalizing your marriage might resonate with her. What about seeing a counselor? I make this suggestion with a HUGE caveat: I myself have seen several counselors over the last couple of decades, and what I discovered is that most of them aren’t worth the papers their degrees are printed on! BUT. If you can find a GOOD one, they’re worth gold. Out of all the ones I saw, two were excellent. I had to stop seeing the first one because my insurance wouldn’t pay and I couldn’t afford her, but she helped me out a lot in just a couple of months. The second one was SO excellent that he fixed my problem! No more counselors; I’m done now.
If you can find a really good couples counselor who tries to help couples stay together rather than just divorce, that might be helpful. If you don’t have a pastor or good friend or anyone who has an idea for a counselor to see, I suggest “Yelp.” (I really like Yelp these days; the reviews are brutally honest! LOL!) I just g88gled “yelp couples counseling san francisco” and got a whole bunch of recommendations, with in-depth reviews. Maybe one of those would work for you.
I commend you for trying to fix your problem before it gets worse. You’re a great guy to put your family first. Best of luck!!!
So, you get the worst of all worlds?
Rock, meet hard place.
What attracted you to each other?
You crack me up. Sorry for the weak post in the midst of the Commie Usurper, Saint Trayvon, Illegals Marching and Muslims setting up Sha’ria courts here...
I can only deal with the pain I feel inside. It is making me really feel down.
We Hold On, by Rush
How many times
Do we tire of all the little battles
Threaten to call it quits
Tempted to cut and run
How many times
Do we weather out the stormy evenings
Long to slam the front door
Drive away into the setting sun
Keep going until dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on
How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against a fate
Measured out in coffee breaks
How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take
Keep holding on so long
‘Cause there’s a chance
that we might not be so wrong
We could be down and gone
But we hold on
How many times
Do we wonder if it’s even worth it
There’s got to be some other way
To get me through the day
But we hold on
May be too late at this point, but its worth a try.
Don't listen to typical politically correct "relationship advice".
I divorced the same woman twice, so who am I to give someone advice?
The blue pills keep you from screaming. LOL
Dude, I know all about it. My husband is always traveling for his job or when he's home he's stuck on his computer so it's just me and the kids. Both my husband and I live away from family and old friends so I all to well what it's like being lonely. But, I love my kids. I know this part of the marriage is hard so I stick it out. I don't hate my husband but it get ticked off that he takes me for granted.
“I’m a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6’4”
“working out with me”
“I hate being alone”
“I just feel trapped”
Have you already decided you want out and are now looking for approval?
I know you wrote that your wife avoids Church, but try to get her to sit down and listen to this 7 part series on Marriage and Family (at least listen to the first part).
I hope and pray that it can help.
I am sort of a visible person at my job and cannot vent to many people, especially family and the social circle (the men always tell their wives).
It sounds crazy, but I have considered just leaving for a while.
Sex, money, booze, its generally some manifestation of one of those three (or more).
Make sure you’re spending enough time with the kids and not dumping all the chores on your wife. If you own your home, make sure you’re taking care of all the minor repairs and upkeep. If you have the money to spare, suggest house cleaning services. 1 or 2 times a week depending upon your income.
Improve yourself in any way and all ways that you can even if just incrementally.
Meanwhile, start a rainy day fund for yourself and watch how she’s spending money. If you have credit card debt, get it taken care of. Even better to just cancel all credit cards out of general principle and keep a good balance in the checking so that you don’t regret canceling them.
Mrs. JohnnyP and I love old movies. When she thinks it’s time for me to stop Freeping, she puts on a Saint or Charlie Chan, etc, and turns the volume up so I can hear the RKO Morse Code and the opening music. Gets me every time. :)
I've been feeling that way for years but I won't turn my back on my kids. The alternative is just not worth it. I haven't had a night out in years. No joke. But I only have a few more years until my children are old enough then I'll get out more.
Family is not work.
I feel your pain, but family is not work.
Start with this... “do date night”
To my FReeper colleagues, thank you for the solid, truthful and honest advice. I even like the funny ones because it breaks up the mood some.
I appreciate you taking the time to share.
I'd love to watch that. My mother just came out for a visit and we watched all three series of Downton Abby. That was most fun I had in a long while.
My old boss divorced an remarried his wife 9 times (At last count)
Who am I to criticize?
That might be true love.
It sure is rough on the furniture and the children. but hey...
so you married mrs. right. what you didn’t know is her first name was “always”. it is hard to be married to someone who’s never wrong.
i will pray for you guys. if you can stick it out until the kids reach18 do it. others had good ideas to make it that long. hell get in shape, for yourself. you will feel better just by doing that. stay enaged with the kids above everything.
if/when you do file for divorce, be the one who files - be the plaintiff. make sure you are the plaintiff. divorce atorneys say it doesn’t make a difference and to them it doesn’t as you pay them the same whether you’re plaintiff or defendant - but in court there is an advantage to being the one who files for divorce. there truly is. take control of the divorce, do not be dragged along.
You could try biking with her and the kids.
She seems to like the foody stuff, what about this:
I saw Grace Under Pressure in 1984. Great song. Thanks.
“I just feel trapped, and depressed.”
Communication is your friend. Talk to anyone who can be of help. Try talking to your religious pastor, priest, rabbi, etc. Next try a shrink. Try talking to some of her girlfriends on the side to get their opinion as to where your wife’s head is at. Start surprising her with flowers, little gifts, notes around the house saying you hope you can rekindle your romance because you really care for her. Play with your kids a lot, and work a little less. Devote more time to the homefront. Cook her dinner, take her out to dinner just for the heck of it, not just a special occasion. Talke to your relatives on both sides about your situation. Suggest family counseling for both of you.
If all else fails, and after trying all of the above, tell her you are thinking seriously about divorce, as nothing seems to improve your not so mutual relationship no matter how hard you try. Maybe her just knowing you are constantly thinking about divorce at that point will jog her out of her reverie and impress upon her the seriousness of the situation. She would have a lot to lose too you might tell her. And if after everything it comes to divorce, fight like heck for joint custody and do everything you can to stay involved in your children’s lives. They will need you more than ever.
Or, last option, just bite the bullet, put up with the situation for the good of the children and think of as many ways to pamper yourself as you can. Seek the fellowship of others to go with to sports events, card games, work parties, join church groups, get involved in voluntary charity organizations, etc. If athletic, join a sports team or workout gym. Include your children in as many outside events as you can. It will be good for all of you. Make a semi-separate life for yourself from which you can get good feedback to keep your own self esteem and feeling of self worth up. It appears your wife is doing just that now. Perhaps if she sees you doing the same, it might wake her up that you too can take steps for your own happiness, with or without her. Remember divorce is expensive in so many ways. Try to avoid if possible, especially as your kids are still young. Good luck.