Posted on 07/12/2013 11:42:18 PM PDT by wac3rd
I want some advice as to any FReepers who have gone through a divorce. We have good jobs, good health (I'm a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6'4") and two young kids, 6 and 2.
There is just no feeling there anymore, we just resent each other and there is no love or passion. We sleep apart, don't do date night and our social lives, other than family and kid/school/sports activities are apart.
I tried to get her to church, she isn't super religious, but spiritual (good person).
I live in the suburbs on San Francisco and feel really lonely after coming home, working long hours, and feeling unwanted. I love the kids so much but my wife is constantly complaining about something I do wrong.
I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse. After 10 years, we rarely are intimate and she is happier at a cooking class or bike riding with the girls than going to a movie, dinner or working out with me.
I wonder if any FReepers have been through this, I pray a lot asking what I can do, but she is so negative and never smiles when I am home. It is really tough.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Start with this... “do date night”
To my FReeper colleagues, thank you for the solid, truthful and honest advice. I even like the funny ones because it breaks up the mood some.
I appreciate you taking the time to share.
I'd love to watch that. My mother just came out for a visit and we watched all three series of Downton Abby. That was most fun I had in a long while.
My old boss divorced an remarried his wife 9 times (At last count)
Who am I to criticize?
That might be true love.
It sure is rough on the furniture and the children. but hey...
so you married mrs. right. what you didn’t know is her first name was “always”. it is hard to be married to someone who’s never wrong.
i will pray for you guys. if you can stick it out until the kids reach18 do it. others had good ideas to make it that long. hell get in shape, for yourself. you will feel better just by doing that. stay enaged with the kids above everything.
if/when you do file for divorce, be the one who files - be the plaintiff. make sure you are the plaintiff. divorce atorneys say it doesn’t make a difference and to them it doesn’t as you pay them the same whether you’re plaintiff or defendant - but in court there is an advantage to being the one who files for divorce. there truly is. take control of the divorce, do not be dragged along.
You could try biking with her and the kids.
She seems to like the foody stuff, what about this:
Culinary Getaways
http://www.bnbfinder.com/?action=specialsSearch&specialTypeId=43
I saw Grace Under Pressure in 1984. Great song. Thanks.
“I just feel trapped, and depressed.”
Communication is your friend. Talk to anyone who can be of help. Try talking to your religious pastor, priest, rabbi, etc. Next try a shrink. Try talking to some of her girlfriends on the side to get their opinion as to where your wife’s head is at. Start surprising her with flowers, little gifts, notes around the house saying you hope you can rekindle your romance because you really care for her. Play with your kids a lot, and work a little less. Devote more time to the homefront. Cook her dinner, take her out to dinner just for the heck of it, not just a special occasion. Talke to your relatives on both sides about your situation. Suggest family counseling for both of you.
If all else fails, and after trying all of the above, tell her you are thinking seriously about divorce, as nothing seems to improve your not so mutual relationship no matter how hard you try. Maybe her just knowing you are constantly thinking about divorce at that point will jog her out of her reverie and impress upon her the seriousness of the situation. She would have a lot to lose too you might tell her. And if after everything it comes to divorce, fight like heck for joint custody and do everything you can to stay involved in your children’s lives. They will need you more than ever.
Or, last option, just bite the bullet, put up with the situation for the good of the children and think of as many ways to pamper yourself as you can. Seek the fellowship of others to go with to sports events, card games, work parties, join church groups, get involved in voluntary charity organizations, etc. If athletic, join a sports team or workout gym. Include your children in as many outside events as you can. It will be good for all of you. Make a semi-separate life for yourself from which you can get good feedback to keep your own self esteem and feeling of self worth up. It appears your wife is doing just that now. Perhaps if she sees you doing the same, it might wake her up that you too can take steps for your own happiness, with or without her. Remember divorce is expensive in so many ways. Try to avoid if possible, especially as your kids are still young. Good luck.
They were on their best behaviour back then...
I understand how you feel. Express your feelings to her “I feel alone, I miss being close” and ask her to go to counseling with you. If she won’t, don’t press it - go yourself.
Things can change if you get help.
I feel your pain, really I do and I wish I could tell you the things you wanted to hear but the truth is you’ve got kids that look up to you and need you right now. Just stick it out, be the super dad they need. I know it’s hard. Hell, there hasn’t been a month were I haven’t shed a tear. Loneliness really bits, harder than most people know. Just find something, a hobby or exercise program ( I find that really lifts my mood ) and work it into your life. I think your wife will start to notice if you start to become more active in your life.
Hmmm. Tarzan you ain't.
I just feel trapped, and depressed.
The meal swap deal *does* sound like a better deal. Really, in all seriousness this appears to be a rough patch you both just need to deal with and get through. The grass won't be greener on the divorce side of the fence when you see the trauma you foisted upon your children for life.
Work it out together. There's your common goal. The fun stuff together can then follow. Don't spread the miseries to your innocent children. Build up and work toward a wholesome solution. Don't tear down and destroy. That's what Obama does. Don't imitate Obama. All the best to you.
The honest answer is that I want to feel wanted again and part of something, not a f*cking paycheck.
We have so much to be grateful for, beautiful kids, a nice home in the suburbs, nice neighbors...
I am either going through a mid-life crisis (early 40’s) or I just want to get the hell out...in a long reply, you may be right.
Not diabetic, but in my family on both sides
Finance
Silicon Valley
Upper Middle Class
2
East Bay of SF (Walnut Creek/24 Corridor)
Does it matter? Our friend is hurting and only love will fix his heart.
What is bugging him is why he feels unloved.
It is tough to get love when you run in the wilderness.
We all tend to do that nowadays
Meh, I don’t need this ****.
love begets love
I am a real softie that way to my detriment.
Pray for your wife everyday.....it will change you immensely......
Not some prayer tossed up nilly willy.....on your knees type of prayer....
God hates divorce.... You should too....or will if you go though with it....
Your wife is flesh of your flesh bone of your bone.... You may not feel like it is....but it is...
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.