Skip to comments.***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***
Posted on 07/26/2013 5:52:24 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TGIF!!!
Woohoo Top Ten!!
This is a good one!
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Flight Attendant
A lawyer boarded an airplane in Halifax with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Toronto, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Halifax, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think.
Just because you can lead a mixed metaphor to water doesn’t mean you can make it take off like a rocket.
The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?,” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,”
said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts. The price is still $5000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.”
“Where are you from?”
The man replied,” Idaho .”
“Really,” she said. “I have family in Idaho.”
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney.”
“She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”
The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
I don't know about intelligent but I'm obviously an engineering nerd. I got every one of them.
The JET Bicycle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKHz7wOjb9w
How can you tell an introverted engineer from an outgoing one?
The outgoing engineer is the one looking at YOUR shoes.
Two different bikes. If you look sometimes the tank is right at the guy’s back on a monoframe and in other shots the tank is sitting down between the rails of a split frame.
Lorenzo St. DuBois
Well, guess what happened.
I forgot to look where I was going.
So my wife told me to LOOK. .
So I did...
I give up.
What color are cheerleaders?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
Yeah, I got every one of them too. I don’t know if that’s something I should be proud of....
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, “I like both.”
“Both?” they asked.
Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”
An engineer is someone who is good with figures, but doesn’t have the personality of an accountant.
Engineers have no life—and can PROVE it mathematically!
You’re Really an Engineer If...
-you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
-you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids’ toys together.
-you see a good design and still have to change it.
-you window shop at Radio Shack.
-your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
-you’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
-you’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.
A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were led to the guillotine for their crimes. The executioner pulled the priest forward first and asked him if he wanted to be facing up or down when he met his face.
“Upward,” said the priest. “I want to be looking toward heaven when I die.”
The blade zoomed downward, but stopped just an inch short of the priest’s throat. All assembled agreed that it was divine intervention, and let the priest go free.
The drunkard was pulled forward next, and decided to copy the priest, hoping he would get as lucky. Again the blade zoomed down but stopped just short of the drunkard’s throat. So the authorities released him as well.
It was finally the engineer’s turn. He, like the others, decided to face upward. The blade slowly raised back into place. “Oh, hey, I think I know what the problem is.” The engineer exclaimed. “That cable to the left appears to be catching the rope!”
An adaptation of “A Few Good Men”...
MEP Engineer: Jack Nicholson
Architect: Tom Cruise
MEP Engineer: You want answers?
Architect: I think I’m entitled to them.
MEP Engineer: You want answers?!
Architect: I want the truth!
MEP Engineer: You can’t HANDLE the truth!!
Son, we live in a world that has CHILLERS, BOILERS AND SWITCHGEAR. And those PIECES OF EQUIPMENT have to be LOCATED IN ROOMS. Who’s gonna DESIGN THEM? You? You, MR. ARCHITECT? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.
You weep for LOST PARKING SPACES and you curse the SIZE OF MY GENERATOR. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that THOSE MEP SYSTEMS, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you WANT me on that DESIGN TEAM. You NEED me on that DESIGN TEAM. We use words like DESIGN, CODE, ANALYSIS...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent PROVIDING OWNER COMFORT AND ENERGY EFFICIENCY. You use ‘em as a punchline.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain my DESIGN to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very ENVIRONMENT I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a DUCTULATOR and DESIGN a BUILDING SYSTEM. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!
Architect : Did you OVERSIZE THE MECHANICAL AND ELECTRICAL ROOMS?
MEP Engineer : (quietly) I did the job you HIRED me to do.
Architect : Did you OVERSIZE THE MECHANICAL AND ELECTRICAL ROOMS?!!
MEP Engineer : You’re g-ddamn right I did!!
That is about to get blasted to twenty people in an email.
Too funny. LOL
Scotch with 2 Drops of Water?
* A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of
water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says:
‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’
The bartender says:
‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says:
‘I would like to buy you a drink too.’
The old woman says:
Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming up’ says the bartender as she finishes that drink, the man to her left says
‘I would like to buy you one, too.’
The old woman says:
‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’
The old woman replies
‘Sonny, when you’re my age you’ve learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’
Yep. One of my all time favorites. I’ve had similar discussions with engineers.
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
“My name is Carmen,” she told him.
“That’s a beautiful name,” he said. “Did your mother give it to you?”
“No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in my life — cars and men.”
They continued to talk and finally she asked, “What’s your name”?
“Beerf*ck,”... he replied.
The bartender asks Descartes "Will you be having a drink?"
Descartes say "I think not" and disappears.
Sorry, this is bad. But it made me laugh.
Did you know listen and silent use the same letters?
Do you know that the words race car spelled backwards
still spells race car?
And that eat is the only word that if you take the first letter
and move it to the last, it spells its past tense ate?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
illegal immigrants, and add just a few more letters, it spells:
Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking,
baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other
hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving,
raggedy-a$$ b**tards with you.
How weird is that?
A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. The service man opened the hood and after a while the repair man said It looks like youve blown a seal, the man replies No, its just frost on my moustache.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
In honor of royal baby week...
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?!
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal! again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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