Skip to comments.50 Ways to Beat the Heat
Posted on 07/26/2013 3:46:12 PM PDT by Kaslin
It's definitely time, past time, to update this annual list of heat-beaters. Feel free to clip and save, mix and match, or add your own.
1. Delete all unwanted emails without opening them. Especially if they're from types who are always a bit hot under the collar anyway. If you must open any, under no circumstances reply. Soon you'll be on their heated level. Last year I heard from a Satanist -- no, actually he said he was a pagan -- and, you guessed it, he was hot as hell.
2. Forget talk radio and 24/7 television news. Switch to the classical musical station. Vivaldi is a comfort, Dvorak about as stirring as you need, Beethoven's symphonies a little too bombastic, and Mozart's perfect -- as always. Listening to the well-named Amadeus is like looking up at the clear night sky out in the country and hearing the music of the spheres. Or get out Miles Davis and John Coltrane's classic, "Kind of Blue." (I hereby nominate Miles Davis -- along with Gershwin, of course -- as the greatest American composer of the 20th Century.)
3. Recall the lightest, most elegant, interesting dessert you ever had. Mine is zabaglione over half a perfect peach. Italians know what they're doing in matters of summer style, and hot summers bring out their genius for creating just the right dish.
4. To borrow a line from the late great Robert Benchley, get out of those sweaty clothes and into a dry martini.
5. Think on the pure, crystalline beauty of the Pythagorean Theorem.
6. Don't try to figure out the infield fly rule one more time; just settle back and watch the game. Linger over the replays in slow motion. Move slowly yourself. No sense hurryin.'
7. Avoid watching sit-coms, playing rock 'n' roll, listening to TV shout shows, worrying about the future or regretting the past. "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you." --Satchel Paige. Epictetus the Stoic might have said something like that, but not half so well.
8. Decorate with cool, green, leafy things, but not kudzu. Turn your back on it for a minute and it'll cover your house.
9. Take siestas; arrange to live in the early morning and after twilight.
10. Don't hurry back, or anywhere. "Nothing can be more useful to a man than a determination not to be hurried." --Henry David Thoreau. He may have been a Massachusetts man, but he had to be a Southerner at heart.
11. Park in the shade.
12. Key lime pie.
13. Wear a hat. With a broad brim.
14. Give the kids a nap. Take one yourself. Or watch an old Mister Rogers show with a small child; it'll soothe both of you.
15. Sit on the front porch. In a swing. Under a fan. Especially if it's glassed-in, air-conditioned, in the shade, and surrounded by cool greenery inside and out. If you must go out in the noonday sun -- like mad dogs and Englishmen -- stick a handkerchief in the back of your collar. Wear sunglasses. Breathe deeply.
16. Read last January's weather reports, with special attention to blizzards and ice storms. Contemplate Iceland and wonder if Eyjafjallajokull will erupt again. But under no circumstances attempt to pronounce it. It takes too much effort.
17. Take a thimble-sized cup of hot soup before supper to whet the appetite.
18. Switch from big band to chamber music, red to white wine, gin to tonic, cornbread to beaten biscuits, humor to wit. Sit back, breathe deeply, and erase from your mind all thoughts of Rand Paul, Eliot Spitzer, Obamacare, Eric Holder and anything else Fast and Furious.
19. Go fishing. Early in the day. Without fancy lures, rod 'n' reel, and other impedimenta. Pack a picnic breakfast, choose an unfrequented spot off the beaten path, lie down, breathe deep, close your eyes and clear the mind. ("Many go fishing all their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after." --Thoreau again.)
20. Have a tall cold one. With a hot dog. At a minor league ballpark. Luxuriate in the nostalgia. See, hear and feel what baseball used to be like. Don't get all involved in who's winning and who's losing. Just root for the team in the field. And never, never refer to it as the Defense. That's heavy, sweaty, bruising football talk.
21. Think tomatoes, the real kind. Like Bradley County pinks. Ripe, sliced thin, maybe on dark bread. With just a hint of a smidgen of a drop of olive oil.
22. Wear white linen and play Great Gatsby to beat the band. Hide your ties till winter.
23. If you get the urge to exercise, lie down at once. If you absolutely must, swim. In cool water. Never run, seldom walk, stroll if you must. Master the saunter. Remember Paige's Law No. 2: "Step lightly; do not jar the inner harmonies."
24. See the movie "Doctor Zhivago." Stay to see snowy scenes twice. This time of year, Siberia in January starts to look like paradise. Watch an old movie, preferably one set in a cold climate.
25. Sweet tea. If you must attend a political rally, make it one sponsored by the (Iced) Tea Party.
26. Contemplate the coming of the next ice age.
27. Read up on the culture of the Esquimaux, Inuit and Aleuts.
28. Plan an expedition to the South Pole. Read a biography of Shackleton and marvel.
29. Stock up on watercress and cucumbers.
30. Carry a bandanna. Maybe two. Mop your brow even when it doesn't need mopping.
31. Walk on the shady side of the street. (Visitors from Up No'th have to be reminded.) Whoever designed those treeless parking lots around shopping malls should have to park in one. Every day. In August. Let the punishment fit the crime.
32. Sigh now and then over the follies of men. Do not judge lest you get all worked up. (Isn't that in Scripture somewhere?)
33. Read "Gorky Park" or some other detective story set in a cold climate. Check out Howard Hawks' arctic and antic sci-fi classic "The Thing From Another World." The scary scenes are particularly funny.
34. Send the kids to visit the grandparents.
35. Grandparents: Send the kids back after 24 hours, then take a week off by yourselves. You deserve it. You've already raised your kids. Alaska would be nice this time of year. If you can't make it up there, Newfoundland is closer.
36. Think what Stockholm must be like. Also Spitsbergen.
37. Go for a walk at dawn, preferably without having to get up at an early hour.
38. Peaches. Especially those from around Clarksville, Ark., where they keep turning out new varieties. Oh, those Ruby Princes! Ambrosia!
39. "Simplify, simplify, simplify." --Henry David Thoreau once again.
40. Don't fret. Why worry about things till you have to? You may never have to.
41. Just one word: Seersucker.
42. Wonder about the Laplanders.
43. Go ahead, try the waterslide.
44. Think on not having to put up the Christmas decorations, cook the turkey or build a roaring fire.
45. Smile in the sure knowledge that the damper on your fireplace is closed.
46. Check out the contents of the fridge at home. At length.
47. Consult the atlas for the location of Novaya Zemlya and the Bering Strait. Read about penguin population patterns. Study up on the Aurora Borealis.
48. Re-read Jack London's "To Build a Fire."
49. Be nice. Act pretty.
50. Take the columnists in the newspaper with an extra grain of salt. Maybe a carload.
When it gets really hot, I just work from home. My thermostat is kept on meat-locker mode.
i’d just as soon burn to death than live in san fran
No thank you
Beat what heat? It’s been 74-81 during the day and 61-69 at night.
In Southern Illinois.
Absolutely perfect weather. Even the typical 93-97% humidity is very low right now. If this is global warming, give me more.
Go and mow the front acre.
Refresh under icy cold water from frost free in that area.
Settle back on comfy lawn furniture in the shade with a crackling cold IPA in hand.
Admire work. Watch horses graze.
Contemplate summer in San Francisco, and recall Samuel Clement's other thoughts.
That would be an awful expensive solution
As for me? I think I'll have a margarita.
Walter Cronkite: Well, thank you very much for calling, sir..
President Jimmy Carter: Just a minute, Walter, this guy's in trouble. I think I better try to talk him down. Peter?
Peter (on phone): Yeah..?
President Jimmy Carter: Peter, what did the acid look like?
Peter (on phone): They were these little orange pills.
President Jimmy Carter: Were they barrel shaped?
Peter (on phone): Uh.. yes.
President Jimmy Carter: Okay, right, you did some orange sunshine, Peter.
Peter (on phone): Very good of you to know that, sir.
President Jimmy Carter: How long ago did you take it, Peter?
Peter (on phone): Uh.. I don't know. I can't read my watch.
President Jimmy Carter: Alright, Peter, just listen. Everything is going to be fine. You're very high right now. You will probably be that way for about five more hours. Try taking some vitamin B complex, vitamin C complex.. if you have a beer, go ahead and drink it..
Peter (on phone): Okay..
President Jimmy Carter: Just remember you're a living organism on this planet, and you're very safe. You've just taken a heavy drug. Relax, stay inside and listen to some music, Okay? Do you have any Allman Brothers?
Peter (on phone): Yes, I do, sir. Everything is okay, huh Jimmy?
President Jimmy Carter: It sure is, Peter. You know, I'm against drug use myself, but I'm not going to lay that on you right now. Just mellow out the best you can, okay?
That is hilarious!
I just HAD to watch the video again. Funny as ever.
There are 800,000 folks in San Francisco. I guess the photos you see of the city JUST DON'T oompare to the beauty of, say, Detroit.
The fog, Golden Gate bridge, clean blue skies, thanks to the daily trade winds, Alcatraz, Fisherman's Wharf, Twin Peaks, Lombard Street, cable cars, Chinatown, the 49ers, Giants, Victorian hotels, Golden Gate Park and all the musuems, Japanese Tea Garden, Ferry Building, Grace Cathedral, Palace of Fine Arts, the Presidio (now a museum), Japantown, Nob Hill, Pacific Ocean, hang gliding and doggies at Fort Funston, 4000 restaurants (Yes, 4000 restaurants in the City ONLY. Half close every year because of the competition.)
....No, why would YOU want to live here? You wouldn't fit in with all the beauty, cleanliness, fresh air and "only" 800,000 people. THANKS for not coming. We have enough people. :o):o)
I DO have an ex-friend who HATES San Francisco. She grew up in Anaheim and moved here for school (U.C. Berkeley) and stayed to work. She grew to hate it ... because she was/is such an unhappy woman. She won't blame herself for her failures so she blames "nasty" old San Francisco.
I used to travel with her and fellow travelers would ask: "Where are you from?" When they heard "San Francisco," TO THE ONE, they said, "Oh, San Francisco, a beautiful city." She would WRITHE with discomfort and anger. Hahaha, poor woman. She FINALLY moved to the peninsula and is much happier in the 'burbs...from whence she came and where she apparently feels more comfortable.
I don't have ANYTHING to do with her anymore and my life is substantially nicer.
By the way, where did you learn to write? Not in one of our country's public schools, I hope. Perhaps you missed the days when they taught punctuation. Just curious.
The liberals here don't bother me, a staunch Republican and conservative. We don't talk politics...too busy living in all the beauty...and cold.
Yes, it's summer and I am wearing three layers....inside the house. Outside I have to put on the Bay Area "uniform," that is, a HOODED SWEATSHIRT, WITH ZIPPER AND POCKETS. That is what I wear all year around...with an umbrella and raincoat during the winter, sometimes.
Yes, it's cold. My husband and I lived in Saudi Arabia for five years. There were mosquitoes the size of Buicks there (Woody Allen movie).
Besides the mosquitoes there was the HEAT, 105-117 from April to mid-November. There was also 95% humidity.
During the three-month winter there were the "hamzeens," fifty days of winds blowing the fumes of H2S from the refinery chimneys over our little community. The H2S would sicken all of us. Lovely.
When I would come home I would KISS the ground of the good ole USA and ESPECIALLY the ground of cool, breezy San Francisco!!
I have a friend who lives in mid-Texas. She can have her 100 degree+ heat, humidity, occasional wind storms, bugs...and those wunnerful fire ants. One did bite me and the scar lasted a year. Hurt like hell.
Ants here in San Francisco stay underground. Never see'em. Mosquitoes don't come here because they need THREE CONTINUOUS WEEKS of heat to breed. We (Pacifica, Brisbane and Daly City too) just don't have that.
You stay where you are and I will stay where I am. Deal? Deal!! :o):o)
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