Skip to comments.***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***
Posted on 08/02/2013 5:25:10 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Always wanted to do that! :-)
Dumb luck on my part
the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
the cows are giving evaporated milk.
the trees are whistling for the dogs.
you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
you’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible
you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man
the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra tasty crispy"
the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper
your pool water starts to boil in the sun
the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
pigs complain about sweating like fat humans
a scalding hot shower still cools you down
people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves
you need a spatula to remove your clothing
you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
you are sitting inside reading these jokes
your brother's braces make blisters on his lips
when the trees are whistling for the dogs.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
Summer in Iraq, only the temp got down to about 85. Brrrr!
TOP TWENTY! Been a while.....
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TGIF!
and by the way we are going through a cold spell here in Hoosierland
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I do....Why?”
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead !”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”
Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger turned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
(...I JUST LOVE THIS PART....)
“Nothing, but you left your injun runnin”.
In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, his supporters have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
The survey was carried out for Democrats by a leading soap and toiletries firm.
The results revealed that 86% of Obama supporters said that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven’t been to prison yet.
Checking in! Woohoo!! It’s been a long week.
I have no air conditioning. I go with my wife to the mega supermarket so I can stand in front of the open freezer units and tell my 4 year old daughter unbelievable tales of air conditioned homes in America.
Texas police are sensitive and caring...
Despite what our redistributionist friends tell you, LEOs in Texas are caring and sensitive.
I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.
This story involves the police department in The town of Stonewall, TX, who reported finding a man’s body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in Horseshoe Bay .
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
See there, Texas police do care.
...and not just one air conditioner. I lived in a two bedroom apartment and we had three!
hOW ABOUT THAT?
You know it’s hot out when...Bloomberg was seen drinking a Big Gulp
Reminds me of a survey about fifteen years ago. 1000 women were asked if they would have sex with then-President Clinton.
42% said “never again.”
Yeah, we have already had our 3 weeks of summer here in Illinoisy. A/C has been off for over a week.
...two seconds before the Snake Shot.
Q: What did they do with the dead Aggie that was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box!
Did you know that if every single man, woman and child in China - all one billion of them - were to hold hands together around the equator more than half of them would drown?
You know you’re a redneck if ...
... The primary color of your car is bondo.
... In your wedding picture you have a toothpick in your mouth.
... Your mama dont remove the marlboro from her lips before
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass!
... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the
... You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d’oeuvre.
... You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
... Less than half the cars you own run.
... Directions to you house include “turn off the paved road”.
... You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
... Your family tree does not fork.
... Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
... You’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba” during a piano recital.
... Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high-school
... You’ve ever BBQ’d Spam on the grill.
... The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
... Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
... You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the
... Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
... The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
... You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
... You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
... Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
... You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an
opening on the lube rack.
... You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
... You think Campho-phenique is a miricle drug.
... You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
... You think Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
... You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
... You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
... You have a rag for a gas cap.
... Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A german shepard.
I know a guy so dumb, he thinks ‘innuendo’ is an Italian suppository.
“Dogs, however, do pant like that when they’re hot. “
So do cats. I’ve seen it happen, but if they reach the point of panting they’re REALLY hot.
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