Skip to comments.Woman Deals With Shock, Pain After Learning Her Father Was a Sperm Donor
Posted on 08/04/2013 7:27:54 PM PDT by Morgana
The day after Stephanie Blessing learned she had been conceived with the assistance of a sperm donor and that the man she knew and loved as her father for 32 years was not her father, she went into shock. She remembers sitting in her rocking chair, staring into space. It was so bad, her husband had to remind her to do something as basic as changing their babys diaper.
I was just catatonic, she said.
The shock turned into depression, as she began to mourn what she had lost. I was a daddys girl. I had a great childhood, and was the apple of my non-biological dads eye. [I] adored my dad, said Blessing, a homeschooling mother of five, who lives in Tennessee.
It really hurt to find out [my dad] wasnt mine in the way I thought he was, she said. I grew up hearing about his dad being a cowboy. Everybody on dads side of the family could tool leather like nobody my grandmother, who is about to turn 100 they arent mine anymore, she said.
Then, she began to mourn the loss of her biological father. As much as my dad adored me, it hurts to know that the man who helped create me chose to have nothing to do with my life, said Blessing. People are deceiving themselves if they think they can love somebody enough to make up for the person who isnt there.
She had never suffered from depression before, and her husband, an evangelical pastor, had no experience in dealing with an issue quite like this one.
Blessing was finally told her conception story due to concerns she had over her dads failing health from progressive supranuclear palsy, a condition similar to Parkinsons disease. Once in robust health, her father was having an array of physical and cognitive problems, and his health appeared to decline more with each visit. Was Blessing genetically disposed to this disease? Would her husband have to take care of her the same way her mother now had to take care of her father?
The answer was no, yet much worse. Blessing learned she was conceived at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School in 1976. Following the procedure, The doctor told my parents to go home, have sex, and pretend like this never happened, and get on with your life, said Blessing. Four years later, Blessings parents conceived her little sister naturally. This convinced him maybe I really was his daughter, she said.
A DNA test she took proved otherwise.
Here is what she knows about her biological father: he is of Eastern European Jewish descent, and was a medical student or intern. She has no legal right to any of the paperwork created in Dallas, and her biological father was guaranteed anonymity. She eventually contacted her mothers doctor, James Aiman, who never returned her calls. Aiman passed away, and she discovered all her mothers records were destroyed. She may never find out who her father is, but prays she will.
I think my mother wanted a child so badly, she couldnt think beyond her own need, said Blessing.
Sperm donation, along with egg donation and surrogacy, are booming businesses in the US. But because it is a largely unregulated industry and there is no central registry tracking births from surrogacy and egg and sperm donation, figures such as number of births and how much money is made are difficult to come by, according to Jennifer Lahl, founder and president of the Center for Bioethics and Culture Network.
Current laws offer little if any avenue to address the harm done to donor children, according to Margaret Liu McConnell, a Washington DC-based attorney whose work has appeared in The American Conservative, Commentary, and National Review.
McConnell points out that the law does not look kindly on persons who walk away from their parental responsibilities, for example the proverbial deadbeat dad. We do not allow a man who had a one-night stand that results in a pregnancy to walk away from financial responsibility for the child, and McConnell believes there may be parallels to donor fathers and mothers.
Such laws could be implemented through medical regulations and through laws specifying that any AFT (artificial fertilization technology) contracts that require a sperm- or egg-donor parent to relinquish parental rights and duties are void as against public policy, said McConnell.
Unfortunately, implementing any law would mean going toe-to-toe with a multi-billion dollar medical industry, with a legal arm of professionals who specialize in advising clients on how to sever the rights and duties of egg and sperm donors toward their biological children, said McConnell.
Still, if a law could make it past this medical Goliath in a state or federal legislature, McConnell feels confident about the inevitable battle to overturn it in the courts. Weve just seen in United States v. Windsor (the DOMA decision) that the Supreme Court did not take the opportunity to expand the fundamental right to marriage to encompass the right to marry a person of the same sex. The Court at this time does not appear eager to expand fundamental rights in the area of family formation, McConnell said.
There are some parallels between third-party conception and adoption, but there are also key differences. Adoption is an attempt to improve on a tragic situation involving a child, whether it is parental death, abandonment, neglect, or abuse. While a donor-conceived child and an adoptee may both experience the trauma of abandonment and kinship separation, with donor conception and surrogacy, these separations are intentionally caused by the parents. In cases of adoption, on the other hand, orphans are not intentionally created in order to obtain wanted children. Similarly, money is not used as a tool to coerce or persuade parents to abandon their children in order to give another person or couple a child.
What exactly have been the effects of artificial reproductive conception on the children who result from it? The reactions of those conducting studies on the psychological and sociological effects of offspring conceived by sperm donors have ranged from sanguine to deeply concerned. Although surrogacy has been around for 30 years, there is only one documented study on its long-term effects, which found that children born by this method often have emotional problems. Egg donation is much newer, and useful information on that form of reproductive technology has yet to emerge.
Personally I am always a little reticent putting too much stock into studies of childrens views and outcomes, said Damian Adams, a donor-conceived research scientist who works in the medical field and lives in Adelaide, Australia. Some of these studies have been conducted in the presence of their parents, which may influence the results, as can those that use the parents for feedback on the childs wellbeing.
He added that donor-conceived offspring may also feel pressured to answer a certain way out of fear of hurting the feelings of their parents, adding that many donor-conceived people he has talked with have mentioned to him they feel protective of the parents who raised them.
Adams said since there are studies showing various outcomes of reproductive technologies, the best thing to do is apply philosophy and legal precedence to how we view and regulate third-party conception. He also said looking to other areas, such as adoption, can give us more evidence concerning the effects of biological separation on children. Although the debate up to this point has mainly focused on sociological and psychological effects on children, which he views as incredibly important, Adams says he would also like to see more debate on biological health history, physical outcomes for children from the actual procedures used in their conception, and knowledge of kinship to avoid consanguity.
The Catholic Church is opposed to any form of reproductive assistance that interferes with the marital act, reducing procreation to an activity directed by doctors and scientists and turning children into commodities. This includes gamete donation and the use of surrogates (see the Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraphs 2373-2379).
Donor-conceived people are the guinea pigs
Adams always knew he was conceived through sperm donation, as his parents began talking to him about it when he was three. This was extremely rare in that era, as all parents were advised to keep it a secret, he said.
Adams, like Blessing, had a happy childhood. At that stage I was too busy being a kid and playing with friends than to worry about my origins. Also because I knew that I could not find out who my biological father was, I did not try and think about it too much, either, said Adams, who is a Ph.D. candidate researching the welfare of donor-conceived people.
I love my parents, and I find it sad that some people choose to view those donor-conceived people who are unhappy with their origins as coming from broken or unhappy homes, he said. That is simply not the case in all instances. While some argue that love is all that matters, we can see from my case that love does not conquer all.
Once in favor of anonymous donor conception, his views changed after the birth of his daughter. It was a moment not too dissimilar from the moments that parents often report experiencing when they hold their child for the first time and stare into their babys eyes, he said.
It was an acceptance and knowledge of a biological connection. That no matter what might happen in the world, we would always be father and daughter, he said. This biological connection made me think about how I would feel if my daughter grew up not knowing who I was.
This was a concept I could not bear to think about, but instead I applied it to how this notion did in fact mirror my own life. While events transpired that I do not know who my donor is, and I may never know, there will always be a biological connection that can never be broken. So instead of being an extremely joyous time, there was part of it that was incredibly dark as I reflected on what [Id been] deprived of, Adams said.
I do experiments every day in a lab, and what I have seen and researched in the donor-conception field mirrors what I do in the lab. Donor-conceived people are the guinea pigs, said Adams.
Surrogacy: Not about childrens best interests
Jessica Kern, a 29-year-old waitress who lives in Warrenton, Virginia, is anything but a right-wing culture warrior. A self-described liberal, Kern is not Catholic or evangelical, and has no problems with gay marriage or gay adoption. She is, however, on a crusade of sorts, albeit a secular one, against surrogacy and other forms of third-party conception, practices she would like to see banned.
I dont believe its a natural thing to separate a child from [her] biological parents. People want to minimize the connection there, said Kern.
Kern was conceived when her biological father and adoptive mother hired her biological mom to be a surrogate. Her father donated sperm, and her biological mother donated the egg and carried her to term.
Kern does not want to see children suffer like she did growing up. Having endured years of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of her adoptive mother, Kern left the home on the advice of her therapist. Kern attributes this in part to the Cinderella Effect, a term psychologists coined to explain the higher rate of abuse by step-parents compared to biological parents.
It shows biology does count for something, said Kern.
When I found out I was a product of surrogacy, I thought it was just my situation that was bad, said Kern. According to her, it wasnt.
Our voice isnt out there, because the industry has captured the story, said Kern. She said she wished people had more balanced information about surrogacy.
I dont understand why [people] are so desirous to create children when we have so many out there to adopt, said Kern. With adoption, those children are already in the world, they already need a home. They arent being created specifically for [making] families, she said.
[There] are price tags that hang over our heads, said Kern. I wouldnt be here if $10K [hadnt been exchanged]. [There] is something inherently wrong about turning children into commodities.
Kern recently testified against a Washington DC bill titled the Surrogacy Agreement of 2013, which would legalize gestational surrogacy contracts in the district. Its currently illegal to enter into this type of contract in DC, and doing so is punishable by a $10,000 fine. Gestational surrogacy differs from traditional surrogacy in that the surrogate carries a baby conceived with the egg of a different woman, rather than her own biological child. According to Kern, this type of surrogacy is supposed to be legally cleaner and result in fewer custody or financial disputes, because of the belief that a woman will be less attached to the child if the egg used is not her own.
Kern said the powers that be at the hearing for the DC bill made it clear it was not a matter of if the bill would pass, but when.
There was a time in my life I would carried a child for someone who couldnt conceive. I would have been willing to do it for free, said Kern.
She feels very differently now. All third-party conception feels a little selfish to me at the end of the day. It is all about what the adults want, they dont [care about] the childrens needs, said Kern.
Surrogacy also presents health and ethical issues for women and for the poor. You cant donate a kidney for profit, said Kern. When a person decides to donate an organ, [she is] not allowed to be financially compensated, because there is a chance that [she] may dismiss the health risks over the money that might be earned. I know that the women participating in egg donation and surrogacies are not accurately informed of the health risks involved because there have been no long-term studies done to see what the consequences are. [In these situations] there is no such thing as informed consent because there are no studies out there.
Children are not a right, adds Blessing. Nowhere in the Bible does it say children are a right. Children are a blessing. You cant demand a blessing. When you take [a blessing], even when you pay for your sperm or egg, you are stealing.
Although the Catholic Church clearly teaches against these methods of conceiving children, one study reported that 36 percent of the offspring of sperm donation were raised Catholic. Thirty-two percent of donor-conceived offspring said they were raised Protestant.
In the Protestant churches Blessing has attended, she said she doesnt remember people talking about assisted reproductive conception, but she had a feeling it was somewhat accepted. I dont know how to talk to Christians about this, said Blessing. We are so pro-life, it seems like we are OK with creating babies at any cost. I really wanted to go to churches and speak, but I dont know how I can talk to them about this without alienating them.
It seemed normal to me
Alana Newman is a wife, mother, singer, musician, and founder of The Anonymous Us Project, which is described on its website as a safety zone for real and honest opinions about reproductive technologies and family fragmentation.
Newman was told she was donor-conceived when she was five. Since it was a fact she grew up with, the idea of third-party conception seemed very normal to her, she said.
Newmans moms first husband was infertile, so they adopted a girl from South Korea. They tried to adopt a second daughter, but were denied, and decided to use a sperm donor. The couple divorced when Newman was eight, and her mother remarried and gave birth to a son who was naturally conceived.
Newman and her mothers first husband were not close. I remember very clearly not feeling safe with him. There were instances of neglect. Anytime I wanted something, I would ask my mom. I had this sense I was bothering him, she said. After the divorce, Newman never saw him again.
As she got older, I had a whole lot of behavioral problems, [was] very promiscuous, and I was engaged in lethal behavior, she said. Although she tested as having a very high IQ, Newman practically had to beg to finish high school, her grades were so low. She said she remembers feeling very confused about why she was not worthy of love.
Growing up, all she knew about her biological father was that he had blond hair, blue eyes, and a college degree. Years later, other details about her father began to emerge, thanks to her research: he was Polish and Catholic. He had been a scuba instructor, and had a degree in respiratory medicine.
With this information in hand, Newman created a scheme to make herself famous in order to gain visibility and get the help she needed to locate her father. She started blogging, wrote a screenplay, and began connecting with leaders in the area of donor-conceived rights and advocacy. She met a woman who helps people find adoptees. Someone paid for her to have a DNA test. Databases of scuba instructors and respiratory medicine graduates were used to identify the man she believes is her father.
CLICK LIKE IF YOURE PRO-LIFE!
Unfortunately for Newman, he died in 2007, the year she began searching for him.
The fact that her biological father was Polish and Catholic inspired Newman to read that very famous Polish Catholic, Pope John Paul II. His writings on marriage and family were among the things that got her interested in becoming Catholic. This fall, she and her husband, Rickard, will start RCIA. The fact that Catholics are the only non-donor-conceived people interested in this topic caused me to check it out. [Catholics] actually thought about it, she said.
Newman, Kern, and Blessing all support bans on gamete donation, as well as surrogacy. There was a time when Newman believed differently; she even donated her own eggs twice. In fact, donor-conceived people are 20 times more likely to sell their own gametes than are non-donor-conceived people.
Does this finding mean donor-conceived offspring approve of their mode of conception? Not exactly, said Newman. It stems from our values-endowment, said Newman. Just as I speak English because my mom taught me to speak English, when I was 20old enough to sell eggs, but young enough to still be primarily influenced by my parentsit was a very normal thing to use a third person to have kids and, in fact, traditional families were strange to me, she said.
I disagreed with anonymity, and offering myself as an open-ID donor was my small contribution to improving a system, said Newman.
And lastly, harder to explain, selling my own gametes was the only experience I could share with my father. It was the only thing I knew for sure that he had done. It was my attempt at poetry, she said. Only recently have I gathered enough information to say No, I have to put my foot down, its wrong.
Adams sees a wide spectrum of emotions among the donor-conceived. There is a whole rainbow of emotions in the donor-conceived community, he said. Some are extremely happy about their conception, while others are extremely traumatized. And there are those at various stages in between. We cannot know for certain what the majority of offspring think, because the majority do not know that they are donor-conceived.
Many donor-conceived people I know who have spoken out have been humiliated, insulted, and attacked on the Internet, said one donor-conceived researcher who has followed these issues very closely over the past 12 years, and who asked to remain anonymous. Not many are willing to speak out anymore unless they only stick to what is safe, ending anonymity, openness, honesty, etc.
This researcher added that the battle to regulate these reproductive practices is daunting, due to the groups opposing regulation, which she believes include many in the media, the Hollywood elite, the LGBT lobby, and some feminist groups (although some feminist leaders have spoken out against surrogacy), as well as those in the medical profession and the fertility industry, to name a few.
In addition, other complicated issues make it hard to have honest discussions about artificial reproductive conception. These include the overall normalization of in vitro fertilization, donors laws favoring intended parents over biological parents, three-parent IVF, genetic testing on IVF embryos, selective reductions, and, soon, same-sex reproduction and cloning.
For his part, Adams is not in favor of banning third-party conception, but takes a more pragmatic approach. Donor conception is a part of the multi-billion dollar fertility industry. This industry is extremely powerful as a lobby group, he said. After all, doctors are highly respected members of society. Also the media often portrays infertility stories which are heart-breaking. These stories are ones that we, as adults, and particularly parents, can relate to. Combined, they are a powerful vehicle to ensure that the infertile continue to be given the freedom to procreate. In some parts of the world it is also enshrined in legislation or regulation as a legal form of procreation. Additionally it is now viewed by a large portion of society as an acceptable form of procreation. Finally it is also now being practiced outside of the clinic and legalized frameworks as private arrangements in peoples own homes.
A more pragmatic approach is to realize this and create arguments for reform of the practice, Adams argues. Pragmatism should also be based on evidence, in this instance I believe it should be based on the welfare and outcomesthe evidenceof the people created from such practices, as they are the most vulnerable.
For Newman, pragmatism just does not go far enough. [So, if] you own a slave, its best to feed [him] well, take care of [his] health, not whip [him], be kind, but at the end of the day its wrong to force people to work somewhere they dont want to work, she said.
With third-party reproduction, its better if you provide a safe, loving home with good schools, perhaps pen-pal relationships with half-siblings and a picture of the donor, but it doesnt matter how many PTA meetings you attend or violin lessons you buy the child. At the end of the day its wrong to coerce third parties to abandon their offspring so you can experience parenthood, said Newman.
One argument that third-party-conceived offspring hear often can be summed up as: Why are you complaining? You are here, arent you? You wouldnt be here without this technology.
You would never ask someone who [was] conceived by rape or incest if [she is] grateful for being alive, said Newman. There are just ways of bringing a person into the world, and unjust ways to bring a child into the world.
If it is illegal to buy and sell a person, said Newman. It should be illegal to pre-buy a person.
Mrs. Kirby: "Is this how you make Dinosaurs?"
Dr. Grant: "No. This is how you play God"
I am just hoping it wasn’t the same donor
If that's all true, why the histrionics now?
As a kid who grew up without a father at all, I think she should be dang grateful that God provided her with a loving father regardless of who provided the sperm, and stop this whining.
This woman is making me intensely irritated.
other than telling her no she wasn’t predisposed what was the purpose of telling her anything else?
secondly, I mean , really the man who raised her and loved her and cared for her and she thinks he isn’t really her dad because of genetics??? How ungrateful
Bloody incredible. Have some basic decency woman and acknowledge that the man who raised you is your father, not some anonymous donor of baby batter.
This woman is unhinged. Be glad you had a loving father who was there for you throughout your formative years and get a grip on yourself.
She speaks of her mom’s selfishness in wanting to conceive at all costs. How about her own selfishness regarding her new found knowledge. How about considering her father’s feelings in this. To declare she doesn’t have a dad now is a terrible thing to say.
Many kids grow up without fathers. She should be damned glad she had one. It sounds like he was a good one too.
Her real dad IS the man who loved her and raised her. I don’t know how many hundreds of times I watched wistfully as kids and their fathers played. Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, just school events. All the father and son stuff. Or, in this case, daughter and father stuff... she had it all. The guy who provided the sperm was NOT her father in any way other than pure biology.
I am REALLY irritated by this.
I can understand your take on this, but the biological factor is a fact that cannot be discarded. I’d cut the kid some slack.
Crazy people. The man who adored her and doted over her is her father. The sperm donor is a curiosity. Why make yourself loopy over this stuff? At most it just adds a connection to an additional person.
The man who changed her diapers, took her trick-or-treating, paid her orthodontist, went to her school plays, stone-faced her first boyfriend before the prom and taught her to drive is her father. The med student who spewed into a beaker is nobody to her.
I think the only real problem here is that her parents kept the truth from her for so long. What was to point of lying for so many years? My sister is adopted, and my parents were always truthful with her and explained (at an age-appropriate level) who her parents were and why her biological parents couldn’t take care of her. She never felt betrayed or lied to. On the other hand, I have a friend who wasn’t told he was adopted until much later in life, and that was very hard for him to deal with at the time. I guess my point is don’t like to kids, honesty is the best policy.
My cousin told him "you've always been my son, you'll always be my son". Nobody treats him or views him any differently, and our heritage is his heritage.
This woman sounds like a real case, that didn't deserve the father she had.
Exactly, she didn’t lose anything but her good sense.
Oh come on now.
Catatonic, yea do not beleive.
I was raised by a good stepfather, but I always desired for my natural fathers love, I also never felt equal to my sister, it causes other feelings to surface, but Christ heals it all.
I’m not exactly sure why this is a huge deal. Having an anonymous sperm donor is better than having a known biological father waiting to be found, isn’t it? A father raised her, she wasn’t adopted.
Dad’s spoiled lil’ princess.
She was adopted. Better yet, she was only half adopted.
Most adopted children get over that fact when they are apprised of it, and their love for the family they were brought up in is not diminished.
What a drama queen.
She dishonors her parents.
me too. look I’m not crazy about all these things and I wouldn’t urge anyone to use them. But I don’t see what “harm” was done to this woman. she exists, her dad loved her, she has a husband and children.
Cheer up lady, there’s a lot of people in the world with real problems.
Fantastic article Morgana. Post more please. :)
you said that far better than I could have. Thanks!
I never knew my bio. Father (his choice) after divorce he disappeared, when I was 6 months old. My Mon remarried 2 years later.
I was curious I guess probably felt abandoned finally went looking in my late 30s.
Short story, after I found him I wish I hadn’t. I never really appreciated my step dad and his family until then. I made sure they knew I did after that.
I have a big problem with this. The author acts like the donees are oppressed by the multi-billion dollar donor industry. No one will ever donate a sample if the sanctity of contract is violated and they will later be liable for child support. This has actually happened in the occasional lesbian child/friendly male donor, where child support was mandated. If this becomes common jurisprudence rather than a decision based on unusual circumstances, fuggedabout it.
no he isn’t your “Daddy”, he only walked the floors with you.
No, he isn’t your “Daddy”, he only taught you how to ride a bike.
No, he isn’t your “Daddy”, tho you admit to being a “Daddy’s girl”
Good God woman, grow the hell up, you’re giving real women a bad name.
Get a grip woman.. I work with a lot of kids that would love to have the father that lovingly raised you. Instead of whining, get on your knees and thank God for the blessing He gave you.
Has she thought about how much effort the donor invested? Five minutes, a plastic cup, and a playboy. Versus how much the man that raised her invested in her. What a twit.
Over 40% of children in the US are born out of wedlock. Most of them never get a dad. And she’s complaining that she had a good dad to help raise her?
Toughen up girl. Life is going to throw much harder stuff than that at you.
Being a confirmed bachelor who considers having a pet cat the most parental responsibility I’d ever want, I’m not exactly an expert here.
Still, it seems even to me that this woman was raised by two loving, responsible people who considered her their own flesh and blood and raised her as such. A lot of people in this world don’t get that. Instead of harping over whose DNA helped conceive her, perhaps she should simply honor the man who was her father in all the ways that truly matter.
Call the waaaambulance! What a pathetic person, she had a loving FATHER that’s more than a lot of kids get even when they know the sperm donor. What a slap in the face of the MAN who WANTED her and loved her despite the fact he wasn’t the biological father.
“The shock turned into depression, as she began to mourn what she had lost. I was a daddys girl. I had a great childhood, and was the apple of my non-biological dads eye. [I] adored my dad, said Blessing, a homeschooling mother of five, who lives in Tennessee. “
Lucky you! Some kids would love to have someone to be “Daddy’s girl” even if not biologically.
Some people just want a reason to whine.
You beat me to it.
I didn’t find out my grandfather was my mother’s stepdad until I was 12. I didn’t resent, I just thought “WOW!!! This guy who I adore and who obviously adores me doesn’t have to!?!?!?!”
Biology my a&&.
Because she’s another idiot loser in a dying society where honor, love, and morality whither daily under the assault of the inane and the quest for some fairy dust sprinkled utopian self awareness bullshit supercedes the miracle RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER FACE!
I have had SO MANY people say that their loved ones went through a personality change after surgery from coronary problems. I remember my boss saying she felt like ‘they cut his heart out’ when he had bypass surgery.
Well said. Irritating is one way to put it - backstabbing the father who raised her is another.
Good for you.I hope my children feel the same way about me when that time comes.
People can love the people who raised them yet still yearn for their biological parent(s). It is normal, from what I have found in my own reading of others like me who did DNA testing. I have “discovered” mystery - a relative and I should match, but don’t. We are doing more testing to see what is up. There is something special about blood, that is true. I had one good parent, who died, and one who is mentally and emotionally ill. Of course, she is alive, but I love her just the same. It is hard though.
That had a “barf” after it at the end but I put brackets in that ended up hiding it...
Yes, and dishonoring all the adoptive parents around the world who did their best for the the children they took under their wings. Not to mention all the cuckolded fathers who forgave their wives indiscretions and even those men whose wives suffered the crime of rape, yet looked solemnly at the duty that God had entrusted to them, did not shirk, and still gave the child that was born they best love and care that they could because they were men who knew duty when it was given to them.
I am not saying I could be one of those men, I can’t. But I know there are many men who have stepped up, have accepted those burdens, and they deserve honor because of it.
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