Skip to comments.Changes Coming to Prophet's Jihad Martyr Awards Program
Posted on 08/22/2013 2:17:11 PM PDT by RetiredTexasVet
Today the Muslim Grand Wizzard announced that changes were coming in the Prophet's Jihad Martyr Awards Program.
On a recent trip to the U.S. to attend a meeting of the UCLA and Harvard Muslim Conference, the Grand Wizzard was visited by The Prophet is a dream as he was taking his daily dose of medicinal marijuana.
The Prophet informed the Grand Wizzard that Allah was disturbed by the shortage of virgins to fulfill program needs. Currently there were only 1/4 the number of virgins needed which was comprised of mostly 11 year old or younger girls and boys, based upon martyr preference, available. Allah suggested several immediate changes to the awards program.
In the future and retroactively for those martyrs whose virgin requirements had not be satisfied, only 9 virgins would be authorized for Level One Jihad Martyrs.
Level 2 Jihad Martyrs, upper and middle level jihad support personnel, will be authorized 9 refurbished virgins. These are 12 to 72 year old former virgins that have been completely refurbished and come with a Certificate of Authenticity certifying their like new status.
Award points will be reduced when there is collateral Muslim damage. Award points earned for killing Christians, Jews, or Infidels will be reduced by one point for each Sunni Muslim killed and 1/2 point for each Shitte Muslim killed. A poorly executed Jihad event could result in a minus point award which The Prophet alluded that dire consequences would befall the Jihadist.
Mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters (MFBS) will no longer receive program award points but will receive Certificates of Appreciation signed by The Prophet with the blood of the beloved Jihad Martyr.
The Prophet asks for your cooperation (under the pain of death) during this transition period.
Certified Pre-Owned... like a Volvo.