Skip to comments.What to do when a coach sends your kid an e-mail like this....? (Vanity)
Posted on 09/07/2013 1:13:55 AM PDT by MacMattico
I know this isn't Syria or anything of that much importance to anybody but my family. But as a Conservative I think it's important to talk about kids and how they're treated and what we expect of them.
Honor roll niece is a member of an undefeated team in her sport. We go to watch her games, she is in HS and has been a Varsity starter for 3 years since 8th grade and was made a Captain this year.
After she started seeing a little less playing time, she respectfully (I watched her do this) asked if there was something she needed to do to improve, a certain skill she needed to work on. Nope, everything was fine, just getting some other girls some playing time against the "easier" teams.
Then suddenly an e-mail from the coach saying she lacked in every skill area, listing all skill areas, performed horribly in tryouts, has been a negative for the team as a whole (scoring wise not attitude or effort), and more negative comments, I can't remember them all, the e-mail was on my sister's phone as we were in the parking lot going to nieces game. Obviously the coach sent it out during the school day, so much for teaching! I asked if she (niece) had seen the e-mail, or if the coach had said something. Not that my sister knew of. So we approached the field thinking niece would be unhappy and on the bench. We got there just as the game was starting and niece is in there, starting. Plays 80% of the game and contributes much. We read the e-mail again. All we can figure out is this coach went off because niece asked "how can I improve" as if questioning the coaches coaching ability. My sister says she needs to think about what she's going to do, and doesn't even want to show her daughter the e-mail it's so negative. The coach also plays favorites and likes to have their ass kissed. Niece is friendly and good at the sport so has been able to avoid having to ass kiss or hang out with only certain girls.
Report it to as many authorities as you can. Contact the principal, superintendent, the school board, go through the entire school district if you have to. Bring this to their attention that they have people they have entrusted with roles of authority and significant influence over their kids who have not mentally and emotionally matured past the age of 13. Definitely not something you can let slide.
Don’t tell or involve the niece. You are probably correct that this is about your loud sister, not the niece. Talk to the athletic director or principal. Nobody has a right to playing time, don’t even think that. Parents and students do have a right to expect professional behavior from teachers/coaches.
I would probably pull her off that team. There is no,point in playing for a contentious coach, as he will be less interested in seeing her improve and be more interested in just being critical of her performance. It’s not, imo, a relationship that can improve. I would be inclined in getting her into something else that she can enjoy, or, put her in her chosen sport, but outside the school.
Besides, if she’s that bad, from the coach’s POV, he won’t miss her. He was also incredibly stupid to have sent anything less than the most professional of emails because it is now documented.
Is the coach sexually abusing the girls?
You got it in one - legitimate concerns or not your sister has made the coach feel like he is under attack. I would say leave it alone and let the kids playing speak for itself - tell her to double her efforts to impress!
I’m not sure your characterization of his email is accurate.
Or may be the coach is the problem. But I have seen many parents write of their children's troubles by trying to blame some one else.
Is the coach named Barry Switzer?
The coach is under pressure to ensure every kid gets a chance to play in the season. It sounds like he removed your niece during a non-critical game so a lesser player got a chance to play.
At this point, I’d let it go. Your niece is back to getting more time and she’s happy. Just chalk it up to the coach having a bad day at this point.
That’s the weird thing— unless my sister shows her daughter the e-mail, I don’t think niece has ever been made aware of any major issues and doesn’t dislike the coach. She still starts and gets a lot of playing time. What crossed my mind was what kind of e-mail is sent to those that don’t play all that much? Niece loves the sport.
Tell your sister to shut up. You stay out of it and let the coach do his job. If your niece is being treated unfairly, it is a good lesson to learn. Life is not fair and it will never be. For the rest of her life, hundreds if not thousands of situations will be unfair in work, relationships, and friendships.
What does it matter if the coach was blowing off a little steam? It is sue happy, big mouth parents that are making the coach’s job impossible. Comments stating the coach should never left a paper trail inflame my sensibilities. The reason he left the paper trail is because you are thinking of destroying his life since your niece is getting a little less playing time. Every parents is looking for leverage to crush him, his family, destroy his career, and any good will he feels toward the kids he coaches / teaches.
Now multiply your busy body loud mouth sister times 20. When I was young if a teacher sent a note home saying I misbehaved, I was punished. Nowadays, that same note has the parent running to the principle office to punish the teacher. It is impossible to be a good educator in today’s society and we are raising a group of weaklings.
If you want to do your niece a favor. Tell her to do her best and if that is not good enough, it is not good enough. That life is not fair and that there will always be setbacks. To stop asking for a fair shake in life. Life is compromise.
If she wants something, create it. If she fails, pick her butt off the ground and try again. Not to depend on anyone for her well being. Her destiny is hers if she takes charge, if she depends on others to be happy she will never be. To teach her kids to be strong.
I agree with you that, even if your sister took a stripe off him, he shouldn’t have sent that email. At the very least, to the wrong person, he’s opened up himself to litigation issues and being a liability to the school. That is bad form on his part.
If your niece seems largely unaffected, she probably doesn’t know about it. IMO, it is best to leave it as no real harm was done beyond bickering between two adults.
Just keep tabs on the niece to see if there are further problems.
Maybe the coach wants more than her ass kissed, if you get my drift.
It’s more likely that he wanted to allow players, who are bench warmers, a chance to perform. It was likely a game that wouldn’t affect his statistics much, which allows him to take better players out and put in lesser players.
In todays education system, if a coach doesn’t play everybody sometime during the season, it can cost him his job.
Unless there is more information than you have presented, that’s probably all it was.
Parents and HS sports today are an awful combination. I played football back in the day and rarely saw a parent talking to a coach now they show up with lawn chairs to watch practices. IMO once a kid gets to HS they should be fending for themselves. Coaches are like bosses, some are great some suck, some are fair some suck, it’s part of the lesson.
Some people find that "motivating". Me? If I am performing well and I know it, that crap is a definite indicator that it is time to move on.
If the coach thought simply asking “How can I improve” was an attack on his or her coaching skills, it appears that what we are dealing with is a typical, dime a dozen public school employee who is unqualified for the job at multiple levels. A half decent coach should understand conceptually that “how can I improve” does not translate to “your coaching skills suck”.
Probably not but the content and unprofessionalism of the email seems like that something that would have come from an angry 13 year old kid who has not matured enough to understand that you should not be communicating to people like that, especially using a means of communication that can be shown to the public as easily as email. That is what I was getting at.
Assuming the coach is a fairly rationale person, and I am not excusing him for failing to be so, he may have been responding to how the mother approached him. There are many parents who will knock a teachers block off if their little darling is the least bit inconvenienced in their scholastic career.
My fundamental position on this is, unless there is more information than indicated, it’s best to let it go. We’ve all had bad moments and none of us deserve fire and brimstone for failing to be the most dignified of people during those moments.
We are dealing with half the story.
Known coaches who were egotistical snots who deserved getting toilet dunked for the crap they pulled.
Sounds like the list just grew by yet another name.
Expect further inquiries to garner reprisals.
I would never accuse your sister of being vindictive, I was just speaking from principle. If you’re going to communicate in a way that can be documented, you do not say anything that is not said in the most professional manner.
Too many parents assume that, if their child can play at the high school level, he’s on track to go pro.
My first impression was e-mail sent to the wrong parent (but no, it calls my sister by first name) as there are actually 3 players with nieces name, or my sister had made it up as a joke because I kind of laughed at first it seemed so bad. Both not true, sent from the school. And it was still not professional if sent to any other girl.
She’s not on track to go pro, but has had some D3 interest and is only a sophomore.
“Then why e-mail her mother saying the daughter sucks?” My guess, only getting one side of the story, maybe the coach is sick of getting grief from your sister, you did say that she had a big mouth.
Are you sure the email actually came from the coach?
Anyone ever consider the email MAY have been sent to the wrong girl?
By the way, your’s is not an isolated event as MANY highschool coaches have done similar things to other athletes under their direction. Short of sending them emails, two of my (sistor) grand daughters, both very good athletes, have had similar things happen to them during their high school years. It is NOT a life altering delima as both of our two girls (valdictorians in their class) have gone on to be excellent teachers. It will pass.
Where did you ever get that out of the OP?
You sound like a former "coach" who got his butt handed to him for bad coaching.
Some people on this thread are nuts.
Why doesn’t someone actually talk face to face with the coach? No room for ambiguity there. For all you actually know the coach may not have even written the email. I wouldn’t base hard action on something so nebulous as an email.
sounds to me he copied the wrong person.
....meaning sent it to the wrong person.
Why doesn’t your Sister just ask him about it.
Don’t tell the niece and don’t involve yourself.
The only way this deserves to be discussed is if the niece is angling for a college scholarship in this sport and the coach is holding her back from it.
Otherwise, coaches are allowed to make decisions without helicopter family members rushing in everytime something happens their little darling doesn’t like.
If it’s a misunderstanding, it will work itself out. If it’s a matter of being in the right “clique”, winning will expand the clique.
Is the niece good enough to get scholarship offers in this sport? If so, this might be worthy of some conference. Otherwise, I’d drop it and tell the sister not to be such a jealous drama queen.
People fumble the “to” field all the time. I once got an e-mail from my buyer’s agent intended for the selling agent of a property for which I had made an offer and received a counteroffer. He had been showing it to other people, thought he could get a better price. Very unethical, borderline illegal. The turd denied it even after I copied him back on his own errant e-mail.
Your niece was not he player he or she was discussing, imho.
Then tell my sister she sucks, not her daughter!
And the two things my sister spoke out about had to do with legitimate concerns held by a group of parents. Everything seemed fine for a while after that. She didn’t take it past talking to the coach. Sorry if I gave the impression she was complaining to the school, she hasn’t. And her big mouth comes in handy when organizing and fund raising for camps and travel. Other years, or so she thought, she and the coach had a good
People that say parents shouldn’t be involved— coaches almost demand it, fund raising, transportation to distance camps and tournaments, hotel rooms, all are done by parent volunteers. When I was young we played local, now there’s interstate travel, Club, private lessons, all to remain competitive. All done per coaches request by parents like my sister, while
he collects the paycheck. And the kids just want to play and win. And my sister has never made an issue about anything directly related only to my niece.
Actually a former teacher, taught analog and digital electronics, computer repair and networking and changed hundreds of lives. Started the first computer and networking courses in the state. Started the program off of grants I wrote. Won rookie of the year and teacher of the year a couple times.
Trained the teachers in technology. Taught hundreds in short ‘build your computers’ classes. Taught principles and along computer repair. When I started my adult vocational training classes contained students that wanted to change their lives. Most lost their jobs or became disable and couldn’t do hard labor anymore. Several students started their own companies. Hundreds of others had solid careers because of my training.
Why did I quit? They introduced High School children into the program that didn’t want to learn. Children thrown into the program because they were undisciplined but intelligent and they didn’t know what to do with. Children their parents expected me to raise but could not discipline (terrible attitudes, disrespectful, no work or personal ethics and I could not fail or remove from class because of the their parents). It ruined the program for the adults and high school children wanting to learn. The easily butt-hurt parents broke my spirit in the program I created from the ground up.
But yes, due to parents complaining about the slightest insult and unable to take responsibility for their children’s misbehavior I quit and doubled my salary in the real world. All the good I could have done for others wasted. And I was a good teacher, a damn good one. I have students 15 years later running up to me to shake my hand thanking me for changing/saving their lives.
The most dangerous key on a computer is the "SEND" key........
You’re right, its not important. This is about a game..... a game.... team sports, and sports have little value. Sorry... no value.
I learned about the same amount on my sports teams in HS as I learned in actual HS. Competition, giving it your all, getting up after falling down, teamwork, time management, leadership, commitment and about winning and losing. Throw in some college scholarship bucks and sports were well worth it.