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The College Football Czar: Week 5
The Shinbone: The Frontier of the Free Press ^ | September 26, 2013 | Daniel Clark

Posted on 09/26/2013 7:35:07 PM PDT by Daniel Clark

The College Football Czar: Week 5

Week four in review: Predictably, the NCAA has wussed out and scaled back its penalties against Penn State, which will now be allowed to add five scholarships each year until its full complement of 85 is restored in 2016. Under the original sanctions, PSU’s scholarships would have been capped at 65 until then. The Powers That Be Stupid say that they made this decision in recognition of the Nittany Lions’ “continued progress toward ensuring athletics integrity.”

… But wait a minute, the punishment was only contingent upon the university’s good behavior insofar as that if it didn’t cooperate, the penalties would be made more severe. Complying with the terms of the sanctions is not considered optional, and is not something to be rewarded. Do you suppose that Jerry Sandusky’s victims and their families think that penalizing PSU those additional five scholarships per year was too harsh? What kind of a message does it send, that any temporary competitive disadvantage to the program can be considered disproportionate, compared to letting an ex-coach commit serial statutory rape in team facilities?

The Czar can tell you how it will be taken by “the Penn State community.” As far as they’re concerned, this retreat by the NCAA is an admission of wrongdoing, which must be followed by further concessions. Next, they’ll demand a premature end to the four-year postseason ban, and when they get their way on that one, they’ll restore the Joe Paterno statue, declare both him and the university to be victims of a witch hunt, and generally become more insufferable than ever. Before much longer, they’ll probably even demand reparations.

There really isn’t much else to report from last week, because a month into the season, the serious games have yet to really get underway. With already a large number of teams idle, the games that did take place were riddled with clunkers against lower division opposition, like Ohio State vs. Florida A&M and Miami vs. Savannah State.

The College Football Czar continued his best run since he started publishing his picks online. His week’s record of 14-4 included the prediction that Fresno State would end its streak of futility against Boise State on Friday night. For the year, the Czar is now 67-17, for a .798 winning percentage.

Sept. 29

Utah State at San Jose State

The Spartans’ one-dimensional attack was not enough last week at Minnesota, where they lost 43-24, largely due to the lack of a ground game. Suffice it to say that if you only run the ball in obvious running situations, then you can’t run the ball.

USU took the worst of a defensive slugfest at Southern Cal, where they fell 17-14, to drop to 2-2. The Aggies’ eleven penalties included back-to-back infractions to set up the opening SC touchdown.

Last year’s 49-27 loss was the last setback of the year for SJSU, who went on to win their last seven games. Nevertheless, they couldn’t catch up to the Aggies, who finished with a 6-0 conference record in the final season of WAC football.

The latest earth-shaking Sports Illustrated expose has revealed that Aggie offensive tackle Kevin Whimpey once said he would gladly pay a booster on Tuesday for a hamburger today. A disgruntled ex-teammate told SI that Whimpey probably never actually paid for the burger the following Tuesday as promised. Part six of the eight-part report is expected to reveal that coach Gary Andersen, who has since conveniently left the USU program for Wisconsin, has not denied the charge, partly because nobody has ever asked him about it. That, itself, is highly suspicious, if you happen to be a lardhead.

Utah State 38, San Jose State 27

Middle Tennessee at Brigham Young

Anyone could have guessed that the MT-heads would be 3-1 right now, losing only to North Carolina, but their last two victories have been more difficult than the Czar had anticipated. In Week 3, they needed a late field goal to edge intrastate foe Memphis 17-15, and last week, they were unable to bury the Burrowing Owls of Florida Atlantic until overtime, 42-35.

If those results are mildly disappointing, they can’t compare to those of the Cougars, whose record-setting offensive explosion against Texas has been sandwiched by suffocating losses to Virginia (19-16) and Utah (20-13). Against the Utes, they actually put up a respectable total of 443 yards, but they were stopped just short of field goal range on multiple occasions, and failed to reach the end zone twice from inside the 10.

In 2012, Blue Raider QB Logan Kilgore threw 16 TD passes to six interceptions. This year, he’s already been picked off five times, while throwing for four scores. Moreover, the MTSU line has allowed him to be sacked more times in the first third of this season than it did all of last year.

You may have noticed that BYU has switched from the navy blue they’d worn in recent years to the royal blue uniforms from their glory days of decades past. Those unis were so popular that there was a song about them, called “Blue BYU.” It was originally released back in 1963 by Roy Orbison, who also had a hit with it 14 years later, when he took off his man suit and became Linda Ronstadt.

Brigham Young 29, Middle Tennessee 22

Sept. 30

Virginia at Pitt

Tom Savage tossed six TD passes last week for the Panthers, who sadly needed every one of them to hold off Duke, 58-55. Through three games, Paul Chryst’s defense, which was expected to carry the team, has yielded an average of 41 ppg. That’s almost three touchdowns worse than last year’s mark of 21.1.

Much of Pitt’s problem over the past two games has been in picking up on ball fakes from option quarterbacks, which is not a concern with Cavalier QB David Watford, although he is reputedly mobile. Not only doesn’t the sophomore run the ball very often, but his 206 passing yards against Division I-AA VMI was far and away his high through three games. Against I-A foes BYU and Oregon, Watford gained a meager 5.9 yards per completion, while throwing four picks to only one touchdown.

Coach Mike London’s inability to settle on a quarterback has been, in a way, solved for him. Michael Rocco, who started for most of last season, has transferred to Division I-AA Richmond, although he will have to sit out this season because he only has one year’s eligibility left. Former Alabama QB Phillip Sims, who had shared the starting job with Rocco, was declared academically ineligible, and is transferring to Division II Winston-Salem State.

It was that kind of loyalty from the original Cavaliers that’s the reason why everybody in England is walking around with round heads these days. You know, just like Sir Elton John.

Pitt 24, Virginia 21

Oklahoma State at West Virginia

In coach Dana Holgorsen’s first game against ex-boss Mike Gundy, his Mountaineers were soundly beaten, 55-34. The 42-year-old Holgorsen may have joined his mentor in manhood two years ago, but it’s going to take him at least two more years to catch up to him on the gridiron.

According to Forbes magazine, OSU benefactor T. Boone Pickens, for whom the Pokes’ stadium is named, is officially no longer a billionaire. This is primarily because he was gullible enough to invest heavily in wind power, although every lardhead who has heard the news probably assumes that he used all his money to pay college football players. If there really were any future in wind energy, Sports Illustrated would be a gold mine.

The Cowboys did their part to keep the turbines going when they whooshed past Division I-AA Lamar, 59-3. In case there’s any doubt that they had no business picking on that team, note that Lamar’s two victories this year have been against Division II Oklahoma Panhandle State, and Bacone College of the NAIA.

The hills may want to avert their eyes from the Eers, who suffered an unsightly 37-0 stomping against Maryland last week in Baltimore. Freshman QB Ford Childress passed for only 62 yards all game. One of his two interceptions was returned for a touchdown, while the other set up the Terps at the WVU 6-yard-line.

In light of Childress’ performance, Holgorsen was asked why he’s given so few snaps to Florida State transfer Clint Trickett. He testily replied, “Because I evaluate our quarterbacks every day, and you don’t!” You can see why he’d be upset. Who knew that some reporter would crash his press conference like that, and sandbag him with a question about how he’s coaching his football team?

Oklahoma State 45, West Virginia 14

LSU at Georgia

Don’t let the Tigers’ offensive output through four games fool you. Through the first three games of 2012, they averaged 48.3 points per game, but by season’s end they’d settled down to a more pedestrian 29.8.

The Bulldogs’ 45-21 win over North Texas was only as tough as it was because they allowed the Mean Green to score one touchdown on a kick return, and another on a blocked punt. The Dogs’ defense, which is supposed to be susceptible to the run, held the ravenous UNT rushing attack to a total of only seven yards.

Watch for Louisiana State coach Fewer Miles to try to take advantage of UGA’s special teams struggles by pulling something he thinks is incredibly clever. If it works, he’ll be justifiably hailed as a sooooper genius, but the kind of tricks he likes to pull are considered low-percentage plays for a reason.

Miles is nicknamed “The Hat,” which is short for the Mad Hatter. He opts for the short version because he, like everybody else, would rather avoid being associated with Johnny Depp.

Georgia 20, LSU 16

Oklahoma at Notre Dame

OU hasn’t exactly faced a murderers’ row, but their 3-0 start has been against all legitimate opponents: Louisiana-Monroe, West Virginia and Tulsa. This trip to South Bend wraps up their nonconference slate, without their having faced a single lower-division team. Who would have thought there’d ever be something exceptional about that?

The golden domers, of course, don’t beat up on Division I-AA teams, either. Their schedule never proves to be as tough as it looked before the start of the season, though, and the same holds true this year, with future foes USC, Air Force and BYU disintegrating right before their eyes. Nobody’s a pushover for Brian Kelly’s club this year, however. Their 17-13 scare against offensively inept Michigan State followed a 31-24 tussle with pitiful Purdue.

Last season, the College Football Czar was so brilliant, he correctly predicted the winner of this game by accident. After explaining at length why the Sooners should have won, he inexplicably typed in the opposite of what he’d had in mind, and picked the Fighting Irish to win.

The 30-13 final didn’t leave any room for Bob Stoops to complain, but the Irish were the beneficiaries of yet another terribly blown call. With the outcome still in doubt at 20-13 in the fourth quarter, linebacker Manti Te’o made a diving attempt at a deflected pass and was awarded an interception, although he could not have more obviously trapped the ball. Incredibly, the replay officials let the call stand, even though anybody watching the play in slo-mo could see that Teo’s pick was about as genuine as … aw, you know.

Oklahoma 31, Notre Dame 23

Arizona at Washington

The Huskies are defending their turf in more ways than one. Just as this game at Husky Stadium is winding down, intrastate rival Washington State kicks off against Stanford across town at CenturyLink Field. It’s now a tradition for WSU to play a home game in Seattle, despite the fact that their hometown of Pullman is on the opposite end of a very wide state.

Not only would the Czar have expected UW to strenuously object, but what about the Wazzu fans, assuming they exist? It’s hard to imagine any other college football fans being expected to tolerate this. The Czar would drop his Pitt season ticket in a snap, if the Panthers started scheduling their biggest home game of every year in Philadelphia.

Meanwhile, Seattle’s real home team plays in front of its real home fans, with a chance to establish themselves as legitimate Pac 12 North contenders. Two weeks after blasting Boise State for 592 total yards, they stormed Illinois for another 615 at Soldier Field. Wildcat RB Ka’Deem Carey led the nation in rushing in 2012, but he’ll have to go Ka’Boom at some point if he is to catch up with last year’s pace. That’s partly because he was suspended for the opener against I-AA Northern Arizona. Since then, he’s amassed 299 yards against weak nonconference opponents UNLV and UTSA. Coach Rich Rod, ever eager to play the “no respect” card, complained that, “They’ll say we won those three games because we’re supposed to. That’s right, but we still won ‘em.”

The Czar can’t argue with you there, coach. While most of your conference rivals are tangling with opponents from the Big Ten and SEC, you’ve beaten a lower-division team, a fledgling I-A program, and one of the most consistently awful clubs in major college football. Congratu-stinkin-lations!

Washington 49, Arizona 34

South Carolina at Central Florida

The 2-1 Gamecocks have got to be the most widely and unpleasantly scrutinized team in the nation this year, but one problem they don’t have is figuring out how to replace star tailback Marcus Lattimore, who left early for the NFL. Sophomore Mike Davis has scored a touchdown in each of SC’s three games so far, and is averaging 7.6 yards per carry, for a total of 341 yards.

UCF has had an idle week since their 34-31 victory over Penn State, so they’ve been able to put more preparation into this game than their foes from the SEC have. They were in a similar position a year ago, facing SEC newcomer Missouri after a week off. They fought the Tigers on even terms, except for a touchdown on a punt return, in the 21-16 loss.

As valuable as DE Jadeveon Clowney is to Carolina, they may not want to bring along on this road trip to Orlando. Those Disney folks might decide not to let Clowney leave, mistakenly believing him to be a really, really, really big dwarf.

South Carolina 42, Central Florida 26

Wisconsin at Ohio State

Last week’s 76-0 pummeling of Division I-AA Florida A&M was the worst possible result for OSU coach Urban Meyer, for the simple reason that injured QB Braxton Miller did not play in it. If Miller is ready this week, Meyer will almost definitely start him, and that decision will create instant controversy if he doesn’t play well early. Going back to last year, Kenny Guiton has pulled the lumpy nuts out of the fire every time he’s been needed to do so. If the coach has to go to him again this week, he’d better not wait until it’s too late.

The Badgers were able to put aside the Arizona State screw-up, and hammer Purdue 41-10 in their Big Ten opener. Their latest lethal running back tandem, James White and Melvin Gordon, combined for 292 rushing yards and four touchdowns.

UW mascot Bucky the Badger doesn’t know whom to root for, because he thinks both teams are named after him. Okay, so “Buckeye” might be a funny way to spell Bucky, but it’s a better than average spelling from the people at O-goal post-triangle-O.

Wisconsin 35, Ohio State 32

USC at Arizona State

Okay, so the Sun Devils showed a certain amount of character in the second half of last week’s 42-28 loss at Stanford, but can the Fox announcers stop sucking up to them already? The Czar hadn’t heard such praise heaped upon a loser since Mikhail Gorbachev. In truth, the big story was not the improvement that Todd Graham’s team showed in the second half, but the fact that they were so visibly intimidated in the first half that they almost got blown out of a game that they probably should have won.

Troubled Trojan coach Lane Kiffin is trying to convince himself that his team’s quarterback controversy is really over, in spite of Cody Kessler’s languid 13-for-27 performance in last week’s 17-14 win over Utah State. Kessler hurt his throwing hand by bouncing it off an Aggie helmet, but Kiffin does not expect that to affect his play against ASU.

If Kiffin gets fired, Graham is poised to pounce on the job opening in Tinseltown. As we saw on the sideline last week, he’s already got his Jethro Bodine “sophisticated international playboy” getup ready to go.

Arizona State 23, USC 19

Iowa at Minnesota

These border rivals play in one of football fans’ favorite trophy games, for a giant, bronze pig named Floyd of Rosedale. The College Football Czar would like to see them move this meeting back to November, when it was played for 28 years in a row, until 2011.

So far, the Hawkeyes seem to be rebounding from last season’s uncharacteristic 4-8 finish. We won’t know for sure until they beat a competent opponent, though. An opening three-point loss to Northern Illinois has probably been their best game during their 3-1 start. The 4-0 Golden Gophers are in a similar position, having finally picked up a quality win last week against San Jose State.

The original Floyd of Rosedale was a live prize hog, that Iowa governor Clyde Herring had to personally deliver to Minnesota governor Floyd Olson. Understandably bitter about his team’s 13-6 defeat, Herring decided to name the pig after Gov. Olson. Therefore, he chose the name “Floyd,” because “Tyrannical Pinko Ratbastard” wouldn’t fit on the trophy.”

Minnesota 34, Iowa 30

Colorado at Oregon State

OSU unveiled several new uniform designs this year, to go along with its new logo. We’ll see if they take the opportunity of this meeting with CU to unveil their radioactive buffalo chip suits.

The 2-0 Buffaloes haven’t played in three weeks, and they haven’t faced a Division I-A opponent since a 41-27 win over rival Colorado State, way back on the Sunday before Labor Day. After an unexpected scrap against Central Arkansas, they had their home game against Fresno State postponed due to the flooding, and then were idle last Saturday.

At 3-1, the Beavers are following their usual pattern of embarrassing themselves early (this time against I-AA Eastern Washington), and then gaining strength as the season wears on. Last week, they outscored San Diego State 20-3 during the fourth quarter of a 34-30 comeback victory.

Do you realize that the Buffs have not lost a football game since before last Thanksgiving? They should have come up with this strategic inaction plan years ago.

Oregon State 51, Colorado 41

Ole Miss at Alabama

Last year, the Rebels hung tough against Texas A&M and LSU, but they were unable to compete with the Crimson Tide in a 33-14 defeat. They did briefly take a 7-6 lead in the second quarter, but then they gave up a touchdown on the ensuing kickoff return, followed by interceptions on their next two possessions.

After winning a wild 49-42 shootout with A&M, the Tide tightened up on defense, and methodically marched past former offensive coordinator Jim McElwain and Colorado State, 31-6.

Lots of people don’t understand why a team called the Crimson Tide would have an elephant for a mascot. The official (and therefore implausible and lame) explanation is that it came from a fan who allegedly shouted during a Bama-Ole Miss game, “The red elephants are coming!” The Czar doesn’t buy it for a second. That game was played, after all, in 1930, the same year in which the Marx Brothers movie Animal Crackers was released. That’s the one in which Groucho gives his “I shot an elephant in my pajamas” soliloquy. After remarking about the difficulty in removing the elephant’s tusks, he adds, “In Alabama, the Tuscaloosa.”

Likewise, the Rebels’ mascot is the “Rebel Black Bear” because Groucho said … um … in Mississippi, the bear … um … is the mascot because … the castrated, terminally offended rattlenoggins who run universities these days have never had a logical thought in their pompous, pathetic lives.

Okay, so the Czar is fibbing about that last part. It was actually Harpo who said it.

Alabama 27, Ole Miss 16

Navy at Western Kentucky

Bobby Petrino’s Hilltoppers had hoped to prove that their 7-turnover performance against Tennessee was a fluke, but a week later, QB Brandon Doughty was picked off three times in losing a 31-24 stunner at South Alabama.

The Midshipmen don’t always handle Division I-AA opponents easily, but they were able to dust off Delaware 51-7. The tune-up game gave them a chance to start opening up their passing game, as sophomore Keenan Reynolds completed 10 of 13 for 233 yards.

Just how does the Navy manage to navigate its way to the top of a hill in Bowling Green, Kentucky? Perhaps they’ll hitch a ride by latching an anchor onto one of those tornado sharks.

Navy 41, Western Kentucky 33

California at Oregon

The last time Cal was able to slow down the Quack Attack was 2010, when defensive lineman Aaron Tipoti crumpled to the ground with the most obviously faked injury since that box of straw beneath Mellish’s head got it with the bayonet in Saving Private Ryan.

The Golden Bears haven’t been so effective at slowing down ranked opponents this year, having lost to Northwestern 44-30, and Ohio State 52-34. Against OSU, they gave up a 90-yard touchdown within the first two minutes, and things didn’t get much better from there.

In the Czar’s preseason issue, he nominated Colt Lyerla for the Lardhead of the Year Award, because the Fighting Duck tight end tweeted a crackpot conspiracy theory about the Newtown school massacre. Lyerla, who missed the Tennessee game due to illness, became furious with head coach Mark Helfrich for vaguely attributing his absence to “circumstances.” All of a sudden, murky insinuations don’t sit very well with him.

Has the Czar mentioned that Lyerla did not show up for practice on the day that the Lindbergh baby was kidnapped? Hmmm.

Oregon 49, California 26

Air Force at Nevada

It didn’t take long, but the Falcons no longer have Awini at quarterback.

Sophomore Jaleel Awini has been booted from the team for as yet unspecified reasons. The AFA released a statement this week saying that Awini is “no longer a cadet in good standing and is not allowed to represent the Academy in outside activities.” His replacement will be Karson Roberts, who is also a sophomore, and who has only rushed the ball four times, and thrown six passes, so far this year.

That should come as a relief to the Wolf Pack, whose inability to defend the Falcon option attack resulted in a 48-31 thumping last season in Colorado Springs. The Lightning Eleven lit them up for exactly 600 total yards, 461 of those on the ground.

Pack QB Cody Fajardo was questionable last week at Hawaii, and the answer turned out to be no. Freshman Tyler Stewart led UNR past Hawaii 31-9, but the Czar will be surprised if Fajardo doesn’t return this Saturday.

The Czar will try to be mature about this, and resist the temptation to make any more fun of Awini’s name. After all, lots of people are named Jaleel. The kid who played Urkel, for instance.

Nevada 30, Air Force 17

Northern Illinois at Purdue

The Huskies are already 1-0 in against the Big Ten this year, having defeated Iowa 30-27 in their opener. Last week, they were ambushed by Division I-AA Eastern Illinois, but rallied from a 20-0 deficit to turn back EIU, 43-39.

The 1-3 Boilermakers had their total yardage more than tripled by Wisconsin last week, in a 41-10 romp whose score deserved to be a lot more lopsided. In rushing yards alone, PU was outgained 388-45.

It doesn’t say much for a Big Ten football program when it has so little going for it that it takes pride in allegedly having the World’s Largest Drum. Aside from luring the Griswolds into taking a detour through West Lafayette, what has that accomplished, really?

Northern Illinois 48, Purdue 31

Temple at Idaho

Like three licks of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop, the Owls found that six blocks of granite is their limit, when they were upset by I-AA Fordham, 30-29 in Week 3. Injured quarterback Connor Reilly was forced into the game a little too late, completing 7 of 8 after Clinton Granger had gone only 6 for 15.

At least the 0-4 Vandals’ defense has been consistent so far, in that they’ve allowed between 40 and 45 points in every game. Most recently, they were blanked by neighboring Washington State, 42-0. Things don’t get easier for them anytime soon, with their next three games against Mountain West leader Fresno State, defending Sun Belt champ Arkansas State, and a ranked Ole Miss team.

What a waste it is for the Philadelphians to trek all the way across the continent to meet the Vandals, only to find that they’re no different from the “street artists” back home.

Temple 39, Idaho 35

TOPICS: Humor; Society; Sports
KEYWORDS: analyses; collegefootball; predictions

1 posted on 09/26/2013 7:35:07 PM PDT by Daniel Clark
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To: Daniel Clark

Look for Zona to upset the Huskies.

Go Ducks

2 posted on 09/26/2013 7:56:09 PM PDT by bray (Coming soon: The Republic of Texas 2022)
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To: Daniel Clark

Hokies beat bees

3 posted on 09/26/2013 7:56:58 PM PDT by AppyPappy (Obama: What did I not know and when did I not know it?)
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To: AppyPappy

Yay, Hokies!

4 posted on 09/26/2013 8:03:47 PM PDT by tirednvirginia
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To: Daniel Clark

Obviously, what you know about the js scandal, you could fit on the head of a pin. Stick with making bad football picks and leave the editorializing to those who have actually read the factfreeh report.

5 posted on 09/26/2013 8:43:14 PM PDT by FlJoePa ("Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good")
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To: Daniel Clark

Oregon 62 Cal 13

6 posted on 09/26/2013 9:19:57 PM PDT by SeaHawkFan
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To: Daniel Clark


7 posted on 09/27/2013 12:48:21 AM PDT by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
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To: Daniel Clark
... they’ll restore the Joe Paterno statue, declare both him and the university to be victims of a witch hunt, and generally become more insufferable than ever. Before much longer, they’ll probably even demand reparations.

At the moment, they (Pedophilia State Univ.) will have a hard time restoring the Joe Paterno statue since it now occupies a prominent place in front of NAMBLA headquarters. No way NAMBLA will give up their hero.

8 posted on 09/27/2013 3:08:32 AM PDT by JohnG45
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To: Daniel Clark
Wisconsin 35, Ohio State 32

Wisconsin over Ohio State at the Horseshoe? Really? Not this year.

OSU 31 Wisconsin 17

9 posted on 09/27/2013 5:01:35 AM PDT by IndyTiger
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To: Daniel Clark

BTW, PSU Truther John Ziegler is 9-0 ats on his college picks this season. This week he likes tOSU minus the points over Wisky and Arkansas plus the points vs. aTm.

10 posted on 09/28/2013 6:47:42 AM PDT by FlJoePa ("Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good")
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