Skip to comments.Joke "o" the Day
Posted on 12/12/2013 10:26:55 AM PST by US Navy Vet
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal , like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a gun before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman .
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s you’re name?” “Sam,” the cowboy moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied.... “The balcony.”
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
Bud thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a
deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's bull riding
in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Will passes on. Soon
afterward, Bud sits in on the fence by himself and hears a voice whisper,
"Bud... Bud... ."
Bud responds, "Will! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Bud," whispers Will's ghost.
Bud, still amazed, asks, "So, is there bull riding in Heaven?"
"Well," says Will, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Bud.
Will says, "Well, there is bull riding in Heaven."
Bud says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Will sighs and whispers, I checked the draw and "You're up on Bodacious
A cowboy goes into a bar. The bartender says, “You got any ID?”
The cowboy says, “’bout what?”
Speaking of the Pope, pardon me for posting this but its been circulating around the office today:
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.
Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lords Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily coffee.
The pope responds, That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.
Well, says the Nescafe man, we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.
My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed.
The Nescafe guy says, Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - thats half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lords Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily coffee. Please consider it.
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
There is some good news, he announces, and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.
And the bad news, your Holiness? asks a Cardinal.
Were losing the Wonderbread account.
...Thursday, December 12, 2013 12:54:35 PM by rightwingintelligentsia
I *know* that’s fiction... There are no posh theatres in Amarillo.
Amarillo has a theater?
I wasn’t expect that.
Yeah, from my undergraduate days in 1954 at Syracuse . . . < smile >