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Posted on 01/10/2014 5:46:05 AM PST by Lucky9teen

"FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!" - Mother Nature

"It was so cold, the 49ers coach got a concussion when he was hit with a block of Gatorade." — Conan O'Brien

"It's so cold that in Georgia, Honey Boo Boo actually wore shoes. In Maine, lobsters were throwing themselves into boiling pots. In Chicago, people were wearing deep-dish pizzas on their feet." — Craig Ferguson

"With the wind chill it got down to 63 below zero in parts of Montana. At that temperature, if you remove your hat your thoughts will actually freeze inside your brain." — Jimmy Kimmel

"A #PolarVortex sounds like something Mr. Freeze would use to destroy Gotham City... or a new flavor of Powerade." — Jimmy Kimmel

As a newsman, I want to salute whoever came up with the term 'polar is terrifying but still sounds all science-y. A lesser meteorologist could have overreached with 'arctic coldnado' or 'alaskan dick punch,' but 'polar vortex' is restrained but menacing. ~ Stephen Colbert

It’s so cold that doctors are telling people to avoid drinking alcohol if they go outside because it can lead to frostbite. Then parents who've been stuck inside with their kids for three days were like, “It's worth the risk.” ~ Fallon

It's as cold as... "A brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska!"
— WABC New York viewer Jenny Tozzi

"So cold, I saw Superman in a cab."
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Phil Gayden

"Today's forecast is 'holy crap I can't feel my freaking face' degrees."
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Gaby Robles

"The devil got under my covers and told me to keep him warm cuz hell had frozen over."
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Ivan Ibarra

"Good tanning weather! *insert sarcasm here*"
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Janina Rocio Sandoval

"It's so cold I just saw a teenager with their pants pulled up!"
— ABC11 viewer Stan Donna Smith

"It's so cold that tomorrow is canceled."
— ABC11 viewer Bryan Lassiter

"It's so cold that I saw two beagles with jumper cables trying to get a rabbit started."
— ABC11 viewer Don Currie

"The morning weather map for the eastern half of the U.S. looked like an algebra worksheet — lots of small, negative numbers."
— AP reporter Ray Henry

And since we're all stuck inside, here are some that never get old:

It's so cold that...

"...hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs."

"...the optician is giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses."

"...pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm."

"...I chipped a tooth on my soup!"

"...if you want to hear what someone is saying, you have to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire."

What to do the next time it snows...

KEYWORDS: ofst; silliness; vortex
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1 posted on 01/10/2014 5:46:05 AM PST by Lucky9teen
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To: Lucky9teen

2 posted on 01/10/2014 5:46:31 AM PST by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...


3 posted on 01/10/2014 5:48:47 AM PST by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: Lucky9teen

W00t! Happy Friday!

Top Ten!

4 posted on 01/10/2014 5:50:34 AM PST by Disambiguator
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To: Disambiguator


5 posted on 01/10/2014 5:54:01 AM PST by AppyPappy (Obama: What did I not know and when did I not know it?)
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To: Lucky9teen

In ...

6 posted on 01/10/2014 5:54:49 AM PST by 21stCenturion ("It's the Judges, Stupid !")
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To: Lucky9teen

A duck walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer”.

The bartender says “Hey! where did you come from?”

The duck says “I’m working the construction site across the street”.

And the bartender says, “Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?”

And the duck said “What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?”

The Alabama preacher

The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a
Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
Christian family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and
confess your transgression. “

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has
been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

She came to me on her hands and knees

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.

“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”

Toot ‘n Tell

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front
of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when
you brought in that rock’n’roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.

7 posted on 01/10/2014 5:58:48 AM PST by foundedonpurpose
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 10! ? Happy Friday!

8 posted on 01/10/2014 6:02:06 AM PST by jag.drafting
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To: Lucky9teen


9 posted on 01/10/2014 6:02:15 AM PST by NCC-1701 (I am proud of what America USED TO BE.)
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To: 21stCenturion


10 posted on 01/10/2014 6:02:59 AM PST by defconw (Cibco's my spouse)
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To: foundedonpurpose

Woohoo!! Some actual silliness instead of a “Top X” post!

11 posted on 01/10/2014 6:03:19 AM PST by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: NCC-1701

TOP 15......OH YEAH

12 posted on 01/10/2014 6:04:23 AM PST by Yorlik803 ( Church/Caboose in 2016)
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To: Lucky9teen

.....aaaand the world piece

13 posted on 01/10/2014 6:06:55 AM PST by Leo Carpathian (FReeeeepeesssssed)
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To: Lucky9teen
A couple of decades ago, a weather guy in the DFW area concluded his report with ‘you better bring in the brass money tonight’.

I thought it was hilarious. He nearly lost his job and had to issue an apology.

14 posted on 01/10/2014 6:08:16 AM PST by TomGuy
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To: Lucky9teen

“Just because it snows in winter doesn’t mean the planet isn’t getting warmer.”

15 posted on 01/10/2014 6:10:10 AM PST by TexasCajun
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To: Yorlik803

Hey Hey Hey -
Top 100
Almost every (Fri)day.

16 posted on 01/10/2014 6:14:31 AM PST by Louis Foxwell (This is a wake up call. Join the Sultan Knish ping list.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Halo statue

After years of playing the state lottery in Texas, a Hispanic man won the jackpot. He decided to have a new house built for his family. He designed most of the interior to fit his two sons and twin daughters.

His wife would have the grandest kitchen with more counter space than most restaurants. Each of the children’s bedrooms had their own bathroom, so their would be no fighting before school.

The grand living room was to be set a foot below the main level of the rest of the house. He wanted it to be a place of relaxation for the family late at night and the dining room was to be furnished with the best furniture available.

He got the builder to go over the plans with him to the smallest detail. Wooden steps, special railing for the stairs, carpet colors for each room, grand master bathroom with two huge closets, and even a shoe closet for the wife.

As the house was nearing completion, the builder noticed one issue that had not been addressed. In the corner of the main living room, there was to be an area for a “Halo Statute”. He had no clue what that was.

Being that he knew they were practicing Catholics, he went to the Priest and asked “What do you think a ‘Halo Statue’ is to put in that room?”

The Priest thought for a while, and eventually said, “It must be a stature of Mother Mary with a halo around her head”.

So after a few visits to several arts and craft stores, the builder found the perfect statue.

The owner and construction supervisor decided to do a final walk through of the house. As they walked from room to room, the owner was as pleased as he could be with the construction and finish work.

As they were getting ready to sign off on the deal, the new owner asked the builder, “What is that statue in the corner of the living room”?

The builder said, that is your “Halo statue you specified you wanted in that room”.

The owner said, “No, no, what I wanted there, is the thing that goes ‘ring, ring, I pick it up and say, ‘Halo, stat you’ “.

17 posted on 01/10/2014 6:15:10 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (The Second Amendment is NOT about the right to hunt. It IS a right to shoot tyrants.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 20!!

18 posted on 01/10/2014 6:15:32 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (I'm not anti-government, government's anti-me.)
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To: All

eBay Warning..........

Be careful what you buy on eBay. If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $95, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass. The only instructions said, “Do not use in sunlight.”

19 posted on 01/10/2014 6:17:40 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (The Second Amendment is NOT about the right to hunt. It IS a right to shoot tyrants.)
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To: Arrowhead1952

I think that’s the longest joke I have ever read.

20 posted on 01/10/2014 6:18:18 AM PST by palmer (Obama = Carter + affirmative action)
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