Skip to comments.***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***
Posted on 01/10/2014 5:46:05 AM PST by Lucky9teen
"It was so cold, the 49ers coach got a concussion when he was hit with a block of Gatorade." Conan O'Brien
"It's so cold that in Georgia, Honey Boo Boo actually wore shoes. In Maine, lobsters were throwing themselves into boiling pots. In Chicago, people were wearing deep-dish pizzas on their feet." Craig Ferguson
"With the wind chill it got down to 63 below zero in parts of Montana. At that temperature, if you remove your hat your thoughts will actually freeze inside your brain." Jimmy Kimmel
"A #PolarVortex sounds like something Mr. Freeze would use to destroy Gotham City... or a new flavor of Powerade." Jimmy Kimmel
As a newsman, I want to salute whoever came up with the term 'polar vortex....it is terrifying but still sounds all science-y. A lesser meteorologist could have overreached with 'arctic coldnado' or 'alaskan dick punch,' but 'polar vortex' is restrained but menacing. ~ Stephen Colbert
Its so cold that doctors are telling people to avoid drinking alcohol if they go outside because it can lead to frostbite. Then parents who've been stuck inside with their kids for three days were like, It's worth the risk. ~ Fallon
It's as cold as... "A brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska!"
WABC New York viewer Jenny Tozzi
"So cold, I saw Superman in a cab."
ABC7 Chicago viewer Phil Gayden
"Today's forecast is 'holy crap I can't feel my freaking face' degrees."
ABC7 Chicago viewer Gaby Robles
"The devil got under my covers and told me to keep him warm cuz hell had frozen over."
ABC7 Chicago viewer Ivan Ibarra
"Good tanning weather! *insert sarcasm here*"
ABC7 Chicago viewer Janina Rocio Sandoval
"It's so cold I just saw a teenager with their pants pulled up!"
ABC11 viewer Stan Donna Smith
"It's so cold that tomorrow is canceled."
ABC11 viewer Bryan Lassiter
"It's so cold that I saw two beagles with jumper cables trying to get a rabbit started."
ABC11 viewer Don Currie
"The morning weather map for the eastern half of the U.S. looked like an algebra worksheet lots of small, negative numbers."
AP reporter Ray Henry
And since we're all stuck inside, here are some that never get old:
It's so cold that...
"...hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs."
"...the optician is giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses."
"...pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm."
"...I chipped a tooth on my soup!"
"...if you want to hear what someone is saying, you have to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire."
W00t! Happy Friday!
A duck walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer”.
The bartender says “Hey! where did you come from?”
The duck says “I’m working the construction site across the street”.
And the bartender says, “Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?”
And the duck said “What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?”
The Alabama preacher
The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a
Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and
confess your transgression. “
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has
been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.
She came to me on her hands and knees
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
Toot ‘n Tell
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front
of the church always fills first now.”
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when
you brought in that rock’n’roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”
“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.
Top 10! ? Happy Friday!
TOP TEN!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Woohoo!! Some actual silliness instead of a “Top X” post!
TOP 15......OH YEAH
.....aaaand the world piece
I thought it was hilarious. He nearly lost his job and had to issue an apology.
Just because it snows in winter doesnt mean the planet isnt getting warmer.
Hey Hey Hey -
Almost every (Fri)day.
After years of playing the state lottery in Texas, a Hispanic man won the jackpot. He decided to have a new house built for his family. He designed most of the interior to fit his two sons and twin daughters.
His wife would have the grandest kitchen with more counter space than most restaurants. Each of the children’s bedrooms had their own bathroom, so their would be no fighting before school.
The grand living room was to be set a foot below the main level of the rest of the house. He wanted it to be a place of relaxation for the family late at night and the dining room was to be furnished with the best furniture available.
He got the builder to go over the plans with him to the smallest detail. Wooden steps, special railing for the stairs, carpet colors for each room, grand master bathroom with two huge closets, and even a shoe closet for the wife.
As the house was nearing completion, the builder noticed one issue that had not been addressed. In the corner of the main living room, there was to be an area for a “Halo Statute”. He had no clue what that was.
Being that he knew they were practicing Catholics, he went to the Priest and asked “What do you think a ‘Halo Statue’ is to put in that room?”
The Priest thought for a while, and eventually said, “It must be a stature of Mother Mary with a halo around her head”.
So after a few visits to several arts and craft stores, the builder found the perfect statue.
The owner and construction supervisor decided to do a final walk through of the house. As they walked from room to room, the owner was as pleased as he could be with the construction and finish work.
As they were getting ready to sign off on the deal, the new owner asked the builder, “What is that statue in the corner of the living room”?
The builder said, that is your “Halo statue you specified you wanted in that room”.
The owner said, “No, no, what I wanted there, is the thing that goes ‘ring, ring, I pick it up and say, ‘Halo, stat you’ “.
Be careful what you buy on eBay. If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent $95, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass. The only instructions said, “Do not use in sunlight.”
I think that’s the longest joke I have ever read.
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. “Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.” The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now
“The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You’re gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man.” - Jay Leno
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “ticket, please.”
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.”Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.””Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?””Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.”What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?””I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.”The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.”It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right - we’ve seen your time sheets!”
Top 20! Woohoo!! TGIF!
The Definitive Guide to Temperatures in Minnesota (public domain)
60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.
50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Duluth sunbathe.
40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won’t start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.
32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Bemidji gets thicker.
20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.
10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
25 below zero:
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can’t start the Mini-Van.
460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Minnesota start saying...”Cold ‘nuff fer ya?”
500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.
It sounds better when told aloud by someone with a strong Hispanic accent for the punch line.
A highway patrol officer comes upon a car driving very slowly on the freeway. After slowing down and falling in behind it, he turns on his lights. The car pulls over, so he gets out of his cruiser and walks up to the car’s window.
Inside the car are four old ladies. The officer asks, “Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Well, no, sir, I don’t,” replies the driver. “I was driving the speed limit...”
The officer says, “The speed limit on this highway is 65 miles per hour, ma’am. I paced you at only 24. Driving that slowly, you’re a serious hazard to traffic.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said the old lady. “I saw this green sign with the number 24 on it and I thought that was the speed limit.”
“That’s actually the highway number, ma’am,” says the officer. “I’ll let you off with a warning on this one. Please try to keep up with the flow of traffic.”
At this point, the officer notices that the passengers in the car have been dead silent the whole time, with frightened expressions on their faces. He turns to the passenger in the front seat and asks, “Are you okay?”
The passenger replies, “We just got off Hwy. 680.”
I must have read it with the wrong accent.
A couple additions, since I’m a car guy...
20 above zero:
American cars won’t start.
German cars won’t start.
40 below zero:
Japanese cars won’t start.
Any Temp- British cars won’t start:
Lucas- The Prince of Darkness
it’s leaked all the oil out
That joke used to be about Italians.
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”The banker said, “Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.”
Top reasons to study Economics1. Economists are armed and dangerous: “Watch out for our invisible hands.” 2. Economists can supply it on demand. 3. You can talk about money without every having to make any. 4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out. 5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there. 6. If you rearrange the letters in “ECONOMICS”, you get “COMIC NOSE”. 7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue. 8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility. 9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.
A new business was opening and one of the owners friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”. The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the florist said. “Sir, Im really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”The shepherd thinks it over. It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.The man looks around and answers, “869.” The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.The shepherd says, “Okay, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.” The man picks one up and begins to walk away.”Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.” The man agrees.”You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.”Amazing!” responds the man. “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?””Well,” says the
The following is supposedly a true story.An economist was about to give a presentation in Washington, DC on the problems with Black-Scholes model of option pricing and was expecting no more than a dozen of government officials attending.To his amazement, when he arrived, the room was packed with edgy, tough-looking guys in shades. Still, after five or so minutes into the presentation all of them stood up and left without a word.The economist found out only later that his secretary ran the presentation through a spell-checker and what was “The Problem with Black-Scholes” became “The Problem with Black Schools”.
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.”You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,” screamed the terrorist leader, “and you’re going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?”The Englishman spoke first.”Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing “God Save The Queen” to all you men.””That can be arranged,” said the terrorist.The Frenchman said, “And I want to honor my country before I die by singing “The Marseilles” to your men.”The Japanese said, “Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management.”The terrorist turned finally to the American.”What is your last request?”The American replied, “I want you to kill me right now so I don’t have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!”
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.A bird in the hand is dead.A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job”Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”Manager: “Simple, the American put down on question #5, “I don’t know.”, You put down “Neither do I.”
WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO TGIF!!!!!
I know. In today’s world people need a laugh or two. What fun is it to be in and not bring joy, at least try too.
Thirty flies go into a bar and ask-
"Is this stool taken"
I posted that on FB and got grief from people who didn’t understand it. < |:(~
The federal government has issued the following travel warning.
Anyone traveling in blizzard conditions should carry the
2. Blankets or sleeping bag.
3. Extra clothing, including hat and gloves.
3. 24 hours’ worth of food.
7. Flashlight with spare batteries.
8. Road flares or reflective triangles.
9. Full spare gas can.
10. First aid kit.
11. Booster cables.
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning