Posted on 02/11/2014 8:32:21 AM PST by SeekAndFind
You most likely associate the phrase “Don’t mess with Texas” with cheesy t-shirts and that unmistakable brand of Texas swagger.
What you don’t know is that the slogan is the product of a 1980s anti-littering campaign and a federally registered trademark of the Texas Department of Transportation. The initiative is credited with cutting highway trash by 70% from 1986-1990.
So maybe the best way to piss off a Texan is to mess with our state — cruise down a Hill Country two-lane during wildflower season and throw your pickle juice and mustard-stained Whataburger wrapper out the window. Local law enforcement will be happy to collect the maximum $500 fine when they spot your out-of-state license plate.
No, I didn’t ride a horse to school. No, I’ve never been on a working ranch. Automatically pegging Texans as backwardly rural, uninformed, or unworldly would be sadly missing the mark.
I’ve met more fellow Texans while traveling (places like South Korea, Argentina, Belgium) than I have people from any other state. And just a mile down the road from my house, at the University of Texas, researchers are at this very moment using over $600 million in annual research grants to analyze data from the farthest reaches of space, design the computers of the future, and develop groundbreaking biomedical technologies that may one day help cure cancer.
What a bunch of hicks.
The state borders encircle 268,580 square miles — that’s more than 100 Delawares.
In the East we’ve got the Piney Woods, a forest of pine and oak that covers 54,400 square miles (20+ Delawares, for those counting). The Great Plains of North Texas and the Panhandle comprise cotton fields (Texas is the largest US producer) and other agricultural land. Out West things get pretty desert-y — oil wells share real estate with wind farms, and the Guadalupe Mountains rise to 8,750ft (over 2,000 feet higher than anything east of the Mississippi). The coastal plains of South Texas and the scrubby hills of Central round out the picture, but of course all this is still a gross overgeneralization.
Bottom line: Whatever image you’ve generated in your mind to define “Texas,” it’s woefully inadequate.
We get it — the world has a hard-on for Austin. But that still doesn’t explain why, when I’m traveling around the US and tell someone I live in ATX, they invariably respond with some riff on the above.
You’ve just dismissed over 25 million people out of hand. Kind of a dick move.
Go home.
W was born in Connecticut. HW was born in Massachusetts. While there are likely hundreds of George Bushes from Texas, they’re clearly not the ones you’re thinking of.
This is not a political beef — just a matter of birthright and heritage. But since you brought it up, maybe I should remind you there were over 5 million of us who voted for the other guys in 2000 and ’04. That’s like, 6 Delawares.
This is the territory of souvenir bumper stickers and franchise steakhouse wall art. Your joke will not land.
Because I grew up in a suburb of the 7th largest city in the nation.
You really need to specify anyway — are you talking East Texas drawl or West Texas twang…or the Mexican / Hispanic flavor that’s probably a more accurate, 21st-century reckoning of the “Texas accent”?
I know — you are a tourist. But here’s a tip: When you’re on a country highway, taking your time, enjoying the pastoral sights, and you suddenly check your rearview to see an F-350 bearing down on your rear bumper, find a good spot to drift onto the shoulder a ways so that cowboy/girl can pass you more easily.
If you see the hazards blink or a hand wave through the rear glass, you know you’ve done good.
In San Antonio it’s the Spurs, in Dallas the Mavericks, in Houston the Rockets. There are no exceptions.
Again, Texas is too big to have only one style of barbecue, but the Central Texas variety is currently ascendant — the main element of which is certainly not any kind of sauce.
When you order BBQ in Lockhart or Llano, in Luling, Taylor, or the hipster trailers in Austin, it’s all about the quality of meat, the wood used, and the cook time. Dousing that half pound of moist brisket in a pool of sauce is a kick in the spurs to the artiste behind the smoker. Go back to Kansas City.
Seriously? You came to the best place in the world to eat Mexican food outside of Mexico and ordered some Californian perversion of the real thing? There’s only one person who should be pissed off about that, and it’s you.
Since GW moved to TX when he was <2, I assume most Texans would classify him as one of them.
If you're going to exclude him because he was born elsewhere, you're also going to have to exclude Sam Houston, who didn't move to TX till he was 40.
I think it mainly is an issue where I am, Midland/Odessa. The smaller towns and such don’t have as much of an issue. A lot of it is oilfield trash that blows out of vehicles because nobody cares enough to secure their garbage.
Loved visiting BOS a few years ago, but I looked at the housing costs for NH (didn’t really want to pay MA taxes and knew housing was ridiculous near Boston), and even there isn’t so much more expensive than Texas.
I admit, I love the 80 mph speed limits here in West TX.
The thing about MA probably is that everyone goes so fast over the speed limit to avoid the inevitable traffic jam where you are stuck. I have a friend who lives west of the metro and commutes in for work. What would be a 25-minute drive here (in oil boom central so tons of traffic the roads can’t handle even here) is more like 50-60 there.
Correction...
Loved visiting BOS a few years ago, but I looked at the housing costs for NH (didn’t really want to pay MA taxes and knew housing was ridiculous near Boston), and even there it is a LOT more expensive than Texas.
I admit, I love the 80 mph speed limits here in West TX.
The thing about MA probably is that everyone goes so fast over the speed limit to avoid the inevitable traffic jam where you are stuck. I have a friend who lives west of the metro and commutes in for work. What would be a 25-minute drive here (in oil boom central so tons of traffic the roads can’t handle even here) is more like 50-60 there.
There are two kinds of Texans. Those lucky enough to have been born here. And those smart enough to have moved here. I’m in the second group.
Night Hides Not, if you flipped Texas Houston would be 300 miles off the coast. But it’s a lot prettier drive from El Paso to Houston than it is El Paso to LA.
That’s amazing. I know here in Midland it is 5 hours from Dallas, Austin, SA etc. I hate that isolation.
But, it’s got amazing sunsets and the most generous church we have ever seen when we went through some health scares.
Nuts that El Paso is that close to LA.
I live in Washington state and I have an arrogant asswipe neighbor who flys the Texas flag and voted for Obama twice.
The guy is is a drunk assed version of Hank Hill! (from Arlington)
Would you Texans please take him back!!???
We have enough Obots here in this state as it is!
Everyone doesn’t have a “ranch” nor do we all have oil wells in our back yard. We even have indoor facilities and running water. Our grandmothers don’t all chew tobacco or randomly fire off a shotgun to frighten off hogs in the front yard. And I’ve never owned a Cadillac with horns of a bull mounted on the hood of my car or have pistols mounted on it also
To answer one of the crudest comments that have been made to me...No, we don’t get drunk every Saturday night, jump in our trucks and go looking to lynch some random minority.....yes, this comment was made to me on a very liberal infested board.
We are however, stubborn, pig-headed, independent and intolerant of BS. We cling to the bible and our guns and believe in the Constitution. We do wave to you if you pull over for us to pass on the highway, we do say howdy, yes sir and ma’am and we are happy to help visitors find there way if they are lost in the vastness of Texas. We still open doors for ladies, even if they are hairy legged liberal women who scowl at our chivalry.
I may have forgot a few, so any additional comments are welcome.
Here’s some advice from a non-Texan: if you get stuck behind a slow driver i.e. someone driving the speed limit, and you’re too impatient, there’s this maneuver called “passing.” Yes, you wait for an opening, put on your blinkers, and drive into the left lane. As you enter the other lane, you accelerate as to get past the car you are passing. Once safely past the car you’re passing, you can re-enter the right lane and continue on your way speeding i.e. breaking the law and endangering other drivers, pedestrians, and the odd wild animal.
Have driven across TX twice. I-10 is slightly more than 1000 miles. Big place.
I guess it goes both ways. I remember going to Boston for a business trip. I wanted to see some of the famous sites from the American Revolution. I was quite surprised to see how small and compact the city was, how close the Bunker Hill battle was, and how close Lexington & Concord were (and how short Paul Revere’s Ride would have been).
When I visit my son in Texas, I eat Mexican. No need to eat the BBQ since I'm from the Kansas City area. I'm sure the people from Maryland don't go to St. Louis for crab cakes.
A rich Texan while driving through Kentucky saw a farmer on the side of the road working on his fence. He decided he would stop and chat awhile. He asked how many acres the farmer had and was told 40 acres. He said well I can drive across my property from sunrise till sunset and never come to the end. The old Kentucky farmer looked at him and said well yea, I use to have a broke-down truck like that myself.
I’ve hobnobbed with Generals and sports stars, but I was born in the Cumberland mountains, used out houses, and drank milk right out of the goat. God, Guns, and Guts the American way.
Semper fi
From this article, it sounds like Texans are perennially pissed off anyway, so who the hell cares?
If you can piss off a Texan by putting some sauce on your brisket, they are a bit too thin skinned for my taste.
I drove from LA to Arkansas one time in the winter. To avoid snow and ice I took the southern route from Santa Monica on Interstate 10 which goes through Arizona, New Mexico, to El Paso, then up through Texarkana. By the time I crossed into Arkansas I realized that over half of the trip was spent on Texas roadways.
Unfortunately, safe passing is not an option on the road I have in mind, because for many miles there is never sufficient visibility to see whether a car is approaching in the oncoming lane. Nor are there ever any pedestrians on that road, nor are there any cross streets where you can unexpectedly encounter other drivers. As for the odd wild animal, that is very unlikely and has never happened, and at any rate on most roads (though less likely on this one), that could happen at any speed you might be traveling.
I have been driving for almost 50 years, and have had only one (non-serious) accident in all that time, 15 years ago -- and I was NOT speeding at the time.
Your snippy attitude notwithstanding, I defy you to drive on Rte. 95 at the 65 mph speed limit in Massachusetts (outside of rush hour) and not become a road hazard yourself as so many other cars find it necessary to pass you.
I had moved there from MD and he was really on a rant one day about why TX was so much better than my former home. I really have no great love for MD (especially its politics), but I'd hear about enough.
My reply was, "Look...all I know is the world's premier military at the time unleashed Hell on Ft. McHenry and the flag was still there. You got your asses kicked by a bunch of landscapers at the Alamo."
Pretty much ended future discussions.
Texas is awful. Too hot in the summer, day after day of 100+ and you will freeze during the winter cold fronts. It is so cold it knocks out the power plants that provide the heating.
In the early part of dang near ever summer we get these huge thunderstorms that have so much lightening it is like artillery barrages and dump hailstone the size of tennis balls. My truck just got busted up by the latest one here in Dallas back last June. The damage was so widespread it took two and a half weeks just to get to an estimator. I didn’t get into a body shop till October. They were all full.
We got killer bees, anthrax in everything from the vegetable gardens to the deer, tornadoes, floods and gigantic wildfires that burn down entire groups of counties.
Fire ants are everywhere. We have been trying to kill them off for a generation, no luck.
There are so many rattlesnakes that Texas doesn’t require a hunting license to just kill`em and I think it is only ten bucks for the massive rattlesnake hunts they have every year. It is still ok to stomp them to death when they come up in your front yard.
The ones going to those snake hunts are something else. Here in Texas it is classified as “recreation.” No joke. No traps allowed, gotta use your hands and a stick.
Also there are coral snakes and 10 kinds of pit vipers, including the copperhead, cottonmouth plus eight rattlesnake species. Piranha in some lakes too. There are World record alligators in the rivers as well. It makes for some interesting fishing trips.
Then there are the feral hogs all over the place. No season. No limit. Standard hunting license and you are good to go after the 300 pounders. Just watch out for the packs of coyotes that run wild day and night.
Mountain lions are pretty much everywhere, including the outer suburbs in far north DFW. They had to shoot one in downtown El Paso last year. About five years ago one was spotted in a downtown Dallas parking garage! Damn things will hop your backyard fence and chow down on your dogs in a blink of an eye.
Then there are the Texans themselves. Wow! The only folks I know that call their AR-15’s “pellet guns.” Dallas county has so many people doing concealed carry I don’t even have to anymore. Darned if they are not just everywhere. And some are toting iron that makes a .45 look like a 22.
Texans take their rifles up in helicopters and kill hogs from the air, Air Assault style! Air Assault... Air Mobile. No joke, they lock the doors open, strap in, fire up the `chopper and swoop down on those big `ol hogs!
Then they come back five hours later and hunt for coyotes over the dead hogs using night-vision rifle scopes and infra-red laser illumination.
Pirates! Down on the southern border you have actual pirates. No joke. Mexican “lake pirates” on the Texas border at Falcon Reservoir and other locations on the Rio Grande!
Texas DPS hunts them with 36 foot gunboats.
The armaments on board include:
+ 5 - static mounted [2 dual & 1 single] FN M240B 7.62×51 mm NATO Light machine guns,
+ 2 - Barrett .50 BMG Sniper Rifles,
+ other assorted 5.56 rifles, 9mm sub machine guns, and grenade launchers.
Everywhere you go the people are almost all Republicans or conservatives OR TEA Party! They actually believe that smaller and smaller government is a good thing. It is difficult to find any correctly CSCOPE educated and enlightened people to talk about global warming, renewable green energy or diversity/inclusiveness!
Any if you want to relax for a year or two and write a book or whatever, forget it! You can’t stay on unemployment for as long as you like because jobs are everywhere. Those drilling and pipeline companies working the shale (dirty) oil boom going on in central Texas are hiring everybody in sight.
Not only all that, they actually allow the operation of huge refineries all over the State and offshore drilling and oil production too! Because the refineries are right there you can’t find gasoline properly priced above $3.20 a gallon ANYWHERE.
They are SO BACKWARDS they have not even passed a State income tax and do not require union labor!
Yea, CSCOPE and common core educated and enlightened people would not like it here. They should not even think about showing up in Texas, it’s just awful.
More of the signs of America’s decline, when even the headlines use words like “piss off” and “crap”.
RE: I really have no great love for MD (especially its politics), but I’d hear about enough.
Well, now you know how I feel when gays keep pushing their agenda in my face ( from TV to Movies to the songs I hear on the radio ).
If you’re suffering from TEXAS-IS-GREAT fatigue, I’m suffering from GAY-PRIDE fatigue.
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