Skip to comments.The Valentine Day Massacre Redux
Posted on 02/14/2014 4:49:59 PM PST by blueunicorn6
I really have no idea what "redux" means. I didn't take Spanish in high school. I can order lemonade in German, though. I met this beautiful German girl years ago. I thought I'd impress her with my great knowledge from two years of high school German. Those German words are tricky. You have to pronounce them just so. I meant to ask her if I could see her tonight, but wound up asking if I could see her naked. Normally, I save that question for the second date. She was a Judo expert or something and she threw me like an old sock. But I digress. Valentines Day is my four dogs favorite holiday. It's not that they get a lot of cards. The girl gets these great big ones from the Doberman down the street which worries me a little. I haven't had that "Facts of life" talk with her, yet. How do you explain the facts of life to a dog? I tried drawing pictures, but my wife walked in, saw the picture and slugged me. I guess she'll have to learn the facts of life the same way I did....from Jimmy in the fifth grade on the playground. I wonder where Jimmy moved to? Probably prison. You should have heard the story he told me. The dogs love Valentines Day because that's the day the flower truck guy comes to the front door. To our dogs, the front door is like the intersection of time and space. When the front doorbell rings, they immediately stop whatever they're doing and charge the door. Remember that scene in the LORD OF THE RINGS movie where the wizard leads the cavalry charging down the hill into the orcs? That's what the four dogs look like charging the front door when the doorbell rings. There's always a lot of turnover in flower delivery drivers, so there's a new victim every year. The pizza delivery guys just pull into the driveway and honk the horn. The poor little old lady from across the street came over once to bring us some of our mail that she'd gotten by mistake. The oldest dog got his snout in the door opening and jimmied it open. She was in her scooter chair and tried to get away. Well, that was like the fake rabbit at the dog racing track and they were after her. The little one got a good grab on the outside of her right rear wheel and he was going around and around like a furry valve stem. But I digress. The flower guy rang the doorbell and me and the dogs went to the door. He didn't look like an American. He looked like a foreigner. I think he was Canadian. Well, they must not have dogs in Canada because the dogs got out and he started screaming like a little girl. I think it was like the little neighbor girl when she was selling chocolates for a school fundraiser. Forty bucks for three little pieces of chocolate. I try to support the neighborhood kids when they come to the door to sell stuff. I remember what that was like. I sold flower seeds one year. I think I sold three packs. "Aren't you the little s**t that threw a snowball at my truck? " "No sir. That was my friend Jimmy. He knows all about sex and snowballs." Carl the Canadian flower boy dropped the flowers and ran to the delivery van. I think the little dog nailed him with a nip to the behind. The little one is sneaky. The roses were all over the front yard. Then, the Pee Ceremony ritual began. The Japanese have this real formal tea ceremony they do. Our four dogs have a similar ritual but it involves peeing. Each dog, in order of age, has to pee on the bush by the front door. The little dog committed a major faux pas (more Spanish) and peed out of turn. This meant that he wound up in the middle of the stream from our second black dog. Being smaller, he got his back washed. I gave up on the roses in the snow. Isn't that some Don Maclean song? Anyway, I let the dogs in. I walked in to the family room. The wife was sitting in her chair, expecting roses, with the little dog sitting on her lap. She was scratching his back. "I didn't know it was raining out." I told her it wasn't and she was getting dog pee on her hand. She jumped up from the chair and ran around screaming with her right hand up in the air like she's got nuclear waste or something on it. She held her hand under the faucet for like an hour. I guess she's never been peed on before. Our Son got me one time when I was changing his diaper. We called him "Old Faceful" for awhile. So, no flowers and a mad wife. I think I still have some of those flower seed packets from when I was a kid. How long does it take to grow petunias? The four fleabags are hiding. My wife made me give the little dog a bath. The other three are worried they might get a bath, too. Like that would hurt them. Oh, a horse drops a fresh load and they're all rolling in it like it's some kind of thousand dollar spa treatment, but try to get them to sit in a bathtub. Big cowards. Maybe I could get my wife something nice for President's Day. Let's see....what does the President give Mrs. Obama?Mostly a pain in the ass I guess. That's what he gives everyone.
Now THAT was a stream-of-consciousness post if I ever saw one!
Hahahaha...”The Pee Ritual”
Maybe you should have been Leno’s replacement.
your valentine to your wife is giving her a pain in the ... doggie style how sweet
Insightful and entertaining post.
Can you share with us what type or brand of sauce you have been enjoying this evening? I would like to reread the post with the benefit of the same lubricant.
That was awesome!
James Joyce meets Dave Barry.
That is some GREAT material. Send us some more!
Needs to start with the bracket-P-bracket html routine
MORE, MORE PLEASE
Another good one. Thanks for the Valentine present.
I’m drinking not alcohol anything with in it.
I tried, but it sounds like “Paul is dead!”
Paragraphs??!!.....we don’t need no stinking paragraphs!!! LOL. Good copy.
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