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Funniest Amazon Product Reviews
Amazon.com ^ | amazon customer

Posted on 02/17/2014 4:30:26 PM PST by Leaning Right

For something on the lighter side, here's a list that someone made of the funniest Amazon product reviews. They range from witty to side-splitting hilarious.

In particular, check out the reviews for the "Badonkadonk", which is evidently some sort of privately made tank.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: amazon; reviews
Funny Amazon reviews
1 posted on 02/17/2014 4:30:26 PM PST by Leaning Right
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To: Leaning Right

After you click on a product on the list, scroll down to see the reviews.


2 posted on 02/17/2014 4:32:38 PM PST by Leaning Right (Why am I holding this lantern? I am looking for the next Reagan.)
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To: Leaning Right
The guardian angel sounds like fun.

Woke up this morning to find that my Guardian Angel had shattered. The inside was slimy and green. Moments later, heard a skittering sound behind some furniture. Found that during the night, phone lines had been cut, and all the doors and windows are shut with some kind of Super Glue like substance. My cell phone has been smashed. I can't get out. It didn't cut the cable internet, so I've got online to warn you, don't buy the guarslkdj;al b bbbbbbbbbbbbbb,,,,,,,,,,,wke;lj

feeling better now. Everything is fine. I will be sending a Guardian Angel to all of it's friends, family, neighbors, and associates. All humans must get one. Five stars. The most relaxing experience ever. I will never have another worry ever again after buying this product, and you will feel total fulfillment in service of a force infinitely greater than yourself. Buy it. You will never know pain after you feel the slight pinching at the back of your skull.

3 posted on 02/17/2014 4:34:55 PM PST by cripplecreek (REMEMBER THE RIVER RAISIN!)
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To: Leaning Right
I can't believe the list left off the banana slicer:
No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.

Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.


4 posted on 02/17/2014 4:40:00 PM PST by PapaBear3625 (You don't notice it's a police state until the police come for you.)
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To: Leaning Right

Naw, it’s the Habirno sugar free gummy bears.
http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/product-reviews/B000EVQWKC/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?showViewpoints=1


5 posted on 02/17/2014 4:56:21 PM PST by Dogbert41 (Up yours NSA !)
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To: Leaning Right; Revolting cat!

Is there a review of HUAC (Hussein’s Un-Affordable Care)?


6 posted on 02/17/2014 4:56:29 PM PST by a fool in paradise ("Health care is too important to be left to the government.")
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To: Leaning Right; Revolting cat!

Any reviews of the Michelle Obama “Let’s Move” songs album?


7 posted on 02/17/2014 4:57:08 PM PST by a fool in paradise ("Health care is too important to be left to the government.")
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To: Leaning Right

By far, the sugar free gummy bears by Haribo

http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC


8 posted on 02/17/2014 4:57:38 PM PST by Stonewall1
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To: Leaning Right; Slings and Arrows; null and void; moose07; NicknamedBob; Dead Corpse; NoCmpromiz

None of this is my fault.


9 posted on 02/17/2014 5:01:25 PM PST by Darksheare (Try my coffee, first one's free..... Even robots will kill for it!)
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To: Darksheare

Mine either.

Maybe.

Let me consult my lawyer...


10 posted on 02/17/2014 5:05:03 PM PST by Dead Corpse (Tre Norner eg ber, binde til rota...)
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To: Leaning Right

OMG some of those are sooooo funny. Thanks for sharing.


11 posted on 02/17/2014 5:06:32 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis
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To: Leaning Right
Here is my favorite. The product review for the insanely expensive ($39,000) Samsung UN85S9 85-Inch 4K Ultra HD television.

Samsung UN85S9 85-Inch 4K Ultra HD 120Hz 3D Smart LED UHDTV (Black)

12 posted on 02/17/2014 5:10:20 PM PST by Vince Ferrer
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To: Leaning Right
I wrote a TripAdvisor review a few years ago that I still snicker about. It's for a restaurant in Tarpon Springs that is run by a few hippies that struggle with the difference between eclectic and filthy. Here's the link: My TripAdvisor Review
13 posted on 02/17/2014 5:11:31 PM PST by Damifino (The true measure of a man is found in what he would do if he knew no one would ever find out.)
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To: Dogbert41

Those reviews should come with a health warning.
Sortage of breath was the main symptom. Lol.


14 posted on 02/17/2014 5:22:30 PM PST by moose07 (the truth will out ,one day.)
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To: Dogbert41; Stonewall1; All

I wanted to buy some of them there sugar free gummi bears, but they are up to $115 for a 5 lb bag! LOL!

top review:

“not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.”


15 posted on 02/17/2014 5:49:09 PM PST by dynachrome (Vertrou in God en die Mauser)
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To: Dogbert41
Habirno sugar free gummy bears

That is absolutely the best and funniest I have ever read.

16 posted on 02/17/2014 5:58:50 PM PST by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith....)
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To: Vince Ferrer

Some of those are pretty good, too, but still, the sugar free gummy bears have it beat.


17 posted on 02/17/2014 6:01:58 PM PST by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith....)
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To: Leaning Right

I got a kick out of this one for NOW Psyllium Husk capsules:

“Recently I embarked on a journey for the holiest of holies. The holy grail of bowel movements, if you will: one which results in a “ghost wipe”. A wise woman once said “Nothing is as overrated as sex, and as underrated as a good bowel movement.” While I can’t completely agree with that, I will say this: These pills are saving me tens of dollars every year on toilet paper.”


18 posted on 02/17/2014 6:15:18 PM PST by MayflowerMadam
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To: Leaning Right

What amazes me in addition to the reviews, are the products being sold on amazon in the first place.

I mean, a gallon of whole milk? Is this product listing for real? How the heck do they get that to you without it spoiling? And who buys milk this way? And at the price theyre charging? The cheapest seller us listing it at 45 bucks plus 13 for shipping. The next ones are charging 100 bucks. 100 bucks for a gallon of milk????


19 posted on 02/17/2014 6:23:21 PM PST by lowbridge
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To: dynachrome

As a paramedic it is often difficult to not only eat at work, but to eat relatively healthy. I developed a sweet tooth one day and if theres one thing I love, its gummy snacks.

“Oh look! Sugar free gummy bears! I haven’t had gummy bears since I was in middle school!” I exclaimed to my partner. And the fact that they were sugar free practically made them healthy, right?

I downed quite a few of them on the way to the next call and had finished the bag by the early August afternoon.

In the oppressive southern heat, we were dispatched to an unconscious person. As we traversed the city streets I began to get cold chills and cramps despite the triple digit temperatures. My abdomen was obviously bloated and the noises…oh god, the noises.

We arrived on scene and quickly loaded the critical patient into the ambulance. I grabbed a firefighter to ride with me in case the patient crashed before we got to the emergency room. In the back, the pressure was building against my dirty rosebud. I had to release something and thought that if I could just let some air out, I might not have to change my pants.

I leaned to the side, putting pressure on one cheek to try to sneak it out without being noticed. I was able to get it off without soiling myself, but the smell…oh my gawd.

The fireman wrinkled his nose as I wiped the sweat from my face.

“Does she have a GI bleed? A necrotic bowel?” he asked.

As soon as we hit the ER doors I was off like a Kenyan on methamphetamine for the bathroom. I tried to use a hallway bathroom, but it was occupied. My only other option was the bathroom right outside the nurses station. I mean, it was RIGHT outside the nurses station. The door was a mere five feet from their desks. All those pretty, young, nurses. With no other option, I ran back, trying to keep my cheeks clinched. Little staccato bursts of sulfuric farts punctuated each yard as I raced for the finish line hoping that I could keep my chocolate starfish clenched tight enough to stem the tide.

I ripped the door open and somehow managed to drop my pants without undoing my belt. What erupted sounded like a steamroller driving through a bubble wrap factory. I knew it was audible from the nurses station and I had nearly knocked a pretty blonde out of her chair during my mad dash. As the sense of relief from the pressure washed over me, so did the smell. It smelled like someone took a bag of dirty diapers, filled it with rotting body parts, and let it sit in the sun for two weeks.

I sat there, petrified, but also doubled over with the sort of cramps that make one pray for death.

“Tonya? What is that SMELL?!” came a voice from outside the door. I knew there was no escaping with my dignity intact. I sent a text to my partner from the bathroom telling her I was sick and to let me know when she was ready to leave. When she replied I dashed from the bathroom back to the ambulance.

“I gotta go home. I’m sick.” I told her. We started back for the station and were a few miles away when we witnessed a car wreck. The kind of car wreck where you KNOW someone is injured and its hard to sneak past it when you’re in an enormous truck that says, “AMBULANCE”.

We had more units responding and if I could just keep from sharting I’d be ok. I stepped out of the truck cramping and sweaty and knew I was in over my head. My partner walked to one car and I climbed into the back of the ambulance. I looked around, desperate for relief. I spotted the biohazard trashcan. Hmm…

I locked the doors and squatted over the can. It was small and I knew I couldn’t put my weight on it without breaking it. Fleetingly I considered the wisdom of this decision but by then the floodgates on my rusty sheriffs badge had opened and I sprayed pure fecal evil into the can.

Now let me say that ambulances and all the parts and equipment on them, are built by the lowest bidder…this includes the locks on the doors. Attempting to retrieve a piece of equipment, my partner tried the door. Thinking the lock was just stuck she pulled on the handle hard. The mechanism broke and we locked eyes as I unleashed another volley of pure, concentrated gummy death that sounded like two events happening at once: the sound of wet denim ripping, and like trying to burp with a mouthful of pudding. Luckily she did not see my sausage and man berries as I was cupping them in one hand to keep them from being sprayed with poo mist.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sick…SHUT THE DOOR!” I screamed. The door slammed and I managed to find an extra sheet which I cut up and wiped with. Now the next question: what was I supposed to do about the red plastic trashcan full of steaming excrement that had the consistency of watered down pancake batter? I triple bagged it and placed it outside in a spare compartment.

We blissfully made it back and I was able to make it home, stopping only twice more to defile public restrooms. My partner never worked with me again and the nurses at the ER still haven’t forgiven me for their bathroom.

Thanks, Haribo.


20 posted on 02/17/2014 6:24:18 PM PST by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith....)
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To: lowbridge

Did you notice it was available starting at $45 “New and Used?” I don’t want anyone to explain “used milk.”


21 posted on 02/17/2014 6:31:28 PM PST by Rides_A_Red_Horse (Why do you need a fire extinguisher when you can call the fire department?)
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To: Leaning Right

The Badonakadonk looks like a pregnant Dalek.


22 posted on 02/17/2014 6:33:23 PM PST by La Lydia
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To: Vince Ferrer

That’s my favorite too.


23 posted on 02/17/2014 6:34:33 PM PST by La Lydia
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To: KC_Lion; GeronL

Humour ping.


24 posted on 02/17/2014 6:35:02 PM PST by Army Air Corps (Four Fried Chickens and a Coke)
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To: lowbridge

But it’s TUSCAN!!


25 posted on 02/17/2014 6:35:52 PM PST by La Lydia
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To: cripplecreek

lol


26 posted on 02/17/2014 6:38:10 PM PST by GeronL (Vote for Conservatives not for Republicans!)
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To: Darksheare

NSA: That remains to be determined


27 posted on 02/17/2014 6:38:49 PM PST by GeronL (Vote for Conservatives not for Republicans!)
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To: Dogbert41; metmom; All

HOLIDAY POPCORN OF DEATH:

4 qts. popcorn
1 1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. white karo
1 c. butter
2 tbsp. vanilla
1 bag colored marshmallows
4 c. Killer Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears

Boil sugar, Karo and butter to big bubble stage, add vanilla, and then add Killer Gummy Bears until they melt. Pour over popped corn. Mix.

IMPORTANT: DO NOT TOUCH THIS MIXTURE WITH YOUR BARE HANDS. WEAR PUNCTURE PROOF LATEX GLOVES.


28 posted on 02/17/2014 6:41:01 PM PST by dynachrome (Vertrou in God en die Mauser)
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To: dynachrome

That review was hysterical....


29 posted on 02/17/2014 6:41:53 PM PST by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith....)
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To: Dogbert41
Naw, it’s the Habirno sugar free gummy bears.

Howlingly funny!!

Mark

30 posted on 02/17/2014 6:52:31 PM PST by MarkL (Do I really look like a guy with a plan?)
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To: Vince Ferrer

“I unwisely chose the “Drone Delivery” option, but the massive girth of the Samsung required attachment of 150 drones. As they approached flying in close formation and blaring Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries, the sky grew dark and the winds blew wild...”


31 posted on 02/17/2014 6:56:18 PM PST by TChad
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To: MarkL

If you enjoy sarcasm, this one’s funny: http://www.amazon.com/Avoid-Huge-Ships-John-Trimmer/product-reviews/0870334336


32 posted on 02/17/2014 6:56:28 PM PST by JmyBryan
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To: dynachrome

Feed that to the in-laws, do you?
Sounds like a plan!


33 posted on 02/17/2014 6:56:39 PM PST by HiJinx (Borders, Language, Culture)
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To: TChad

Must have been a Galaxy Tab


34 posted on 02/17/2014 6:57:44 PM PST by GeronL (Vote for Conservatives not for Republicans!)
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To: Vince Ferrer; GeronL; Army Air Corps; GraceG; Norm Lenhart

WOW! The $39,000.00 TV reviews gave me many LOLS!


35 posted on 02/17/2014 7:24:16 PM PST by KC_Lion (Build the America you want to live in at your address, and keep looking up.- Sarah Palin)
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To: Leaning Right

Has anyone seen the ads for Poop Pouri? It’s what you use to keep bathroom smells down. I saw the ad during one of my Korean dramas and my jaw dropped.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY

I could not believe it was a serious product until I read the reviews on Amazon.

My husband said we could have used it when we were sharing a windowless hotel room bathroom this weekend. (I was warned not to go in.)


36 posted on 02/17/2014 7:30:29 PM PST by lulu16 (May the Good Lord take a liking to you!)
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To: Leaning Right

I started on the link by looking at the first review of a gallon of milk.
http://www.amazon.com/review/RXXPVOUH9NLL3/ref=carldonath?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B00032G1S0&channel=detail-glance&nodeID=16310101&store=grocery

...written as a full-length spoof of Edgar Alan Poe’s “The Raven”.
The review garnered 421 comments.

Ok, I’m done. That was stark raving awesome. Time for bed.


37 posted on 02/17/2014 8:11:32 PM PST by ctdonath2 (Making good people helpless doesn't make bad people harmless.)
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To: metmom

OH. MY.

Thanks for posting that. I think. I laughed so hard my cat came over, mewing, to see if I was okay. Still have tears in my eyes. Jeesh, that review should come with a warning label!!!


38 posted on 02/17/2014 10:32:12 PM PST by Hetty_Fauxvert (FUBO, and the useful idiots you rode in on!)
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To: reformedliberal

ping


39 posted on 02/19/2014 9:39:52 AM PST by Hiskid (Jesus is Lord)
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