Skip to comments.Funniest Amazon Product Reviews
Posted on 02/17/2014 4:30:26 PM PST by Leaning Right
For something on the lighter side, here's a list that someone made of the funniest Amazon product reviews. They range from witty to side-splitting hilarious.
In particular, check out the reviews for the "Badonkadonk", which is evidently some sort of privately made tank.
After you click on a product on the list, scroll down to see the reviews.
No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!
For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.
Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.
Naw, it’s the Habirno sugar free gummy bears.
Is there a review of HUAC (Hussein’s Un-Affordable Care)?
Any reviews of the Michelle Obama “Let’s Move” songs album?
By far, the sugar free gummy bears by Haribo
None of this is my fault.
Let me consult my lawyer...
OMG some of those are sooooo funny. Thanks for sharing.
Those reviews should come with a health warning.
Sortage of breath was the main symptom. Lol.
I wanted to buy some of them there sugar free gummi bears, but they are up to $115 for a 5 lb bag! LOL!
“not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.”
That is absolutely the best and funniest I have ever read.
Some of those are pretty good, too, but still, the sugar free gummy bears have it beat.
I got a kick out of this one for NOW Psyllium Husk capsules:
“Recently I embarked on a journey for the holiest of holies. The holy grail of bowel movements, if you will: one which results in a “ghost wipe”. A wise woman once said “Nothing is as overrated as sex, and as underrated as a good bowel movement.” While I can’t completely agree with that, I will say this: These pills are saving me tens of dollars every year on toilet paper.”
What amazes me in addition to the reviews, are the products being sold on amazon in the first place.
I mean, a gallon of whole milk? Is this product listing for real? How the heck do they get that to you without it spoiling? And who buys milk this way? And at the price theyre charging? The cheapest seller us listing it at 45 bucks plus 13 for shipping. The next ones are charging 100 bucks. 100 bucks for a gallon of milk????
As a paramedic it is often difficult to not only eat at work, but to eat relatively healthy. I developed a sweet tooth one day and if theres one thing I love, its gummy snacks.
Oh look! Sugar free gummy bears! I havent had gummy bears since I was in middle school! I exclaimed to my partner. And the fact that they were sugar free practically made them healthy, right?
I downed quite a few of them on the way to the next call and had finished the bag by the early August afternoon.
In the oppressive southern heat, we were dispatched to an unconscious person. As we traversed the city streets I began to get cold chills and cramps despite the triple digit temperatures. My abdomen was obviously bloated and the noises oh god, the noises.
We arrived on scene and quickly loaded the critical patient into the ambulance. I grabbed a firefighter to ride with me in case the patient crashed before we got to the emergency room. In the back, the pressure was building against my dirty rosebud. I had to release something and thought that if I could just let some air out, I might not have to change my pants.
I leaned to the side, putting pressure on one cheek to try to sneak it out without being noticed. I was able to get it off without soiling myself, but the smell oh my gawd.
The fireman wrinkled his nose as I wiped the sweat from my face.
Does she have a GI bleed? A necrotic bowel? he asked.
As soon as we hit the ER doors I was off like a Kenyan on methamphetamine for the bathroom. I tried to use a hallway bathroom, but it was occupied. My only other option was the bathroom right outside the nurses station. I mean, it was RIGHT outside the nurses station. The door was a mere five feet from their desks. All those pretty, young, nurses. With no other option, I ran back, trying to keep my cheeks clinched. Little staccato bursts of sulfuric farts punctuated each yard as I raced for the finish line hoping that I could keep my chocolate starfish clenched tight enough to stem the tide.
I ripped the door open and somehow managed to drop my pants without undoing my belt. What erupted sounded like a steamroller driving through a bubble wrap factory. I knew it was audible from the nurses station and I had nearly knocked a pretty blonde out of her chair during my mad dash. As the sense of relief from the pressure washed over me, so did the smell. It smelled like someone took a bag of dirty diapers, filled it with rotting body parts, and let it sit in the sun for two weeks.
I sat there, petrified, but also doubled over with the sort of cramps that make one pray for death.
Tonya? What is that SMELL?! came a voice from outside the door. I knew there was no escaping with my dignity intact. I sent a text to my partner from the bathroom telling her I was sick and to let me know when she was ready to leave. When she replied I dashed from the bathroom back to the ambulance.
I gotta go home. Im sick. I told her. We started back for the station and were a few miles away when we witnessed a car wreck. The kind of car wreck where you KNOW someone is injured and its hard to sneak past it when youre in an enormous truck that says, AMBULANCE.
We had more units responding and if I could just keep from sharting Id be ok. I stepped out of the truck cramping and sweaty and knew I was in over my head. My partner walked to one car and I climbed into the back of the ambulance. I looked around, desperate for relief. I spotted the biohazard trashcan. Hmm
I locked the doors and squatted over the can. It was small and I knew I couldnt put my weight on it without breaking it. Fleetingly I considered the wisdom of this decision but by then the floodgates on my rusty sheriffs badge had opened and I sprayed pure fecal evil into the can.
Now let me say that ambulances and all the parts and equipment on them, are built by the lowest bidder this includes the locks on the doors. Attempting to retrieve a piece of equipment, my partner tried the door. Thinking the lock was just stuck she pulled on the handle hard. The mechanism broke and we locked eyes as I unleashed another volley of pure, concentrated gummy death that sounded like two events happening at once: the sound of wet denim ripping, and like trying to burp with a mouthful of pudding. Luckily she did not see my sausage and man berries as I was cupping them in one hand to keep them from being sprayed with poo mist.
Im sorry, Im sorry, Im so sick SHUT THE DOOR! I screamed. The door slammed and I managed to find an extra sheet which I cut up and wiped with. Now the next question: what was I supposed to do about the red plastic trashcan full of steaming excrement that had the consistency of watered down pancake batter? I triple bagged it and placed it outside in a spare compartment.
We blissfully made it back and I was able to make it home, stopping only twice more to defile public restrooms. My partner never worked with me again and the nurses at the ER still havent forgiven me for their bathroom.
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