Skip to comments.A Fishing Joke
Posted on 02/18/2014 11:03:48 AM PST by CGASMIA68
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
My wife can’t understand how men can watch two and three programs at the same time. She thought it was just me. But our youngest son has picked it up (naturally I assume) and now she is starting to see the light. It’s a man thing. WE DON’T NEED DETAILS. Lol
Thanks for the grins!
What? He didn’t want to throw his hook into Squeaky Bed Springs?
(tho these days, it's surprising she gave him that much credit)
Did you hear Chris Christie joined the GOP immediately after someone told him that GOP meant Gravy On Pancakes!
That's funny too. But I like homemade suasage gravy over big, plump, buttery biscuits and then smothered with holendaise sauce. Wrap my breakfast sausage links in a syrup soaked pancake on the side and serve it all with a 1/2 pound of bacon. Make sure you are eating with a cardiologist just in case. LOL
Three guys are out fishing in a small boat. One gets a huge hit on the line, and in the commotion and frantic reeling, falls overboard.
One of the remaining buddies says, “OMG, Tom can’t swim!” He dives in the water, and after thrashing around for a few minutes, drags him to the boat where the two hoist him in.
The rescuer begins mouth-to-mouth, but after three cycles, stops and says “damn, I don’t remember Tom’s breath being this bad.”
The other guys says “Well I don’t remember him wearing a snowmobile suit.”
My cable box DVR gives me picture in picture plus the ability to record. The only time I watch picture in picture is baseball and I want to watch a show. If I really want to watch more than one thing I record it. Actually I record ALL my favorite shows on the DVR and watch it in the daytime while I fast foreword through the commercials. The only way to watch ‘Justified’
Men want all the details, thinking how they can just make “that” instead of buying it. Besides they are envisioning how bad the one on TV is actually made and how they can do it or make it better.
Ah yes. The DVR function. I was late to that technology but have exploited the heck out of it too. It’s the only way to watch football (as long as you can maintain your “cone of silence”). Because of cable, my pic n pic function won’t work on my 2007 projection TV. But when flipping back and forth between Military Channel, History Channel and Discovery, my son and I can get all the girls to evacuate the living room. They go insane and wonder off to find another TV.
They get us back though when they watch stupid music reality shows and blast the music.
* fried in either butter or bacon grease, of course...
Grandpa, please make that frog sound.
Huh? What are you talking about?
Please make the frog sound because Grandma says after you croak we can go to Hawaii.
“Chris Christie joined the GOP immediately after someone told him that GOP meant Gravy On Pancakes!”
now that is funny. Thanks
My wife asked me once as to why I flipped up/down thru channels so fast. Told my wife that since the cable company (Comcast, in our case) keeps a record of everything anybody using their service watches, I wanted them to know that we saw all the channels. Didn’t want them to think we weren’t getting our money’s worth!
Good one! Took me a second to get it...but when I did, I groaned/winced. Thanks!
A chicken farmer went to the local bar ... He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”
“What a coincidence” - said the farmer, who added: “It is a special day for me ... I’m celebrating”
“It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” said the woman.
“What a coincidence” said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked: “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant.”
“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.”
“This is awesome” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster” the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said: “What a coincidence”
Only a 1/2 LB!?
Heck I’d be snacking on that while the rest was cooking;)
There were two brothers, identical twins, named Danny Jones and Roy Jones. Danny was married and worked in town, but Roy was single and owned a small, dilapidated boat. In a tragic coincidence, one day Danny’s wife died from a heart attack, while, on the same day, Roy’s boat sank.
Two days later, a kind old lady met Roy on the street and mistook him for his brother Danny.
She said, “Oh Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible.”
“Oh, really?” Roy replied. “Well I’m not a bit sorry, she was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish the first time I got her, and she leaked water faster than anything I ever saw.
“She had a big hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her, and leaked all over the place. What finished her off, though, was four guys from the other side of town that came looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her to them, but warned them that she wasn’t all that great. Still, they insisted they wanted to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her and she cracked right down the middle.”
The old lady passed out right there on the street, and Roy was forced to call the paramedics.
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake, and would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, a friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
“Yes, but you know how I love to fish...”
“But aren’t you newly married supposed to be doing something else?”
“Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish”
A few hours later, the guide said, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”
“I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish...”
The following day, the guide continued along familiar lines, “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”
“Yeah, but she’s got gum disease, and you know how I love to fish...”
Late that afternoon, the guide added, “But why did you marry someone with health problems like that?”
“It’s ‘cause she owns a bait shop, and you know I just love to fish...”
A couple was on vacation at a quiet lakeside resort, which suited them both well, since the husband liked to fish and the wife liked to read.
One morning after getting up early to go out and catch a few, the husband came back from fishing and took a nap.
Thinking the lake beautiful and serene, the wife decided to take the boat out although she wasn’t familiar with the lake. At all events, she rowed out, anchored the boat and started reading.
Before very much time had passed, along came the town sheriff in his boat. Without ceremony, he pulled alongside and the woman what she was doing.
“Reading my book,” she said.
He told her she was in a restricted area, and there was a fine for fishing in those waters.
“But, I’m not fishing,” she said.
“It may be true that I was not able to catch you doing it,” the sheriff said, “but, you have all the equipment, and I’m going to take you in and write you up.”
“I see,” the woman answered. “Well, then, I think it only fair to tell you that if you take me in, I’ll charge you with rape.”
“But, I didn’t even touch you,” the sheriff protested.
She answered, “Yes, but you have all the equipment.”
A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”
“Yes, I was a salesman in the country,” said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.”
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally five o’clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”
“One” said the young salesman.
“Only one?” blurted the boss. “Most of my staff make twenty or thirty sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”
“Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars,” said the young man.
“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well,” said the salesman, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”
“No” answered the salesman. “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Your weekend’s screwed, you may as well go fishing.’”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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