***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

 

 

This guy is a genius...

 

 

 

I had to cuss a kid out yesterday, but I did not want to violate my own "No Profanity Rule" so I said, "Shut the fudge up, you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?"

 

 

 

What happens when you don't know your fruit...

 

 

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn Autocorrect...I meant "WiFi", not "Wife".

I wish you would be my emergency contact person one day.

I’m celebrating no need to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Congratulations! You are my first repetitive Valentine.

I suspect you was cheating, your gift for me was too amazing.

I want to say thank you for the flowers I’m going to send to myself and pretend are from you.

 

How to catch a rat

[upchuck]

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

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How to tell if your dog is involved with in a sex scandal:

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If only:

Who knew bald eagles could talk?

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[skinkinthegrass]

how in the heck they do that? b/c they could?

[DonkeyBonker]

BTW, that’s a mouse, not a rat.

[EQAndyBuzz]

A very pretty blonde is going through a midlife crisis and wants to do something different with her life. So she goes through the million things a person with a midlife risk goes through and decides on ice fishing.

She goes to the sporting goods store, purchases the pole, tip ups, gas powered auger, a boom on ice fishing(pictures included) various flies and nymphs(that confused her, but that is for another day) and off to the ice she goes.

She unpacks everything, gets out the auger and before she has a chance to cut a hole she hears, “There’s no fish under the ice!” looking around and seeing no one, she returns to the task at hand. Again she hears, “There’s no fish under the ice!” Now she is totally confused. Thinking that maybe it is the word of God, she moves her gear a few feet, picks up the auger and before she has the chance to cut a hole she once again hears, “There’s no fish under the ice!”

So she looks up and shouts, “God is that you?” “No, it’s the rink manager and there is no fish under the ice!”

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

I can answer you on three of those, the fourth I can tell you root cause but not how.

[BenLurkin]

[BenLurkin]

[BenLurkin]

[BenLurkin]

Lord of the Rings - We will rock you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEM-Pewisqg

[MortMan]

After the names of your photo files were “zram”, “zshark”, and “zstove”, I was sure the last one would be “ziodiot”! ;-P

[gymbeau]

The original Range Rover?

Cheers,
Jim

[BenLurkin]

MISTY MOUNTAINS RAP http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bihm6g8EfW0

[BenLurkin]

[BenLurkin]

[BenLurkin]

[BenLurkin]

[Responsibility2nd]

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

 

UH-OH. Now you've done it. You've got me started on Little Johhny jokes.

 

The teacher told the class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description. She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have under my desk." First the teacher said, "I have something long and yellow, what is it?" Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her, "What do you think it is Sally?" "It’s a banana", replied Sally. "No, it’s a pencil" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think." Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it?" Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, "What do you think it is Billy?" "It’s a tomato" says Billy. "No, it’s an apple" says the teacher, "but I like the way you think." Little Johnny raises his hand so the teacher calls on him and says, "Yes Little Johnny." "Well Ms. Smith, I have one for you" says Little Johnny. "Okay says the teacher." "What’s round, hard, and has a head?" replied Little Johnny. "Oh no, Little Johnny that is not appropriate for school at all." says the teacher. "It’s a quarter" says Little Johnny, "but I like the way you think."

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now
class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of
fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely,
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the
second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get
the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on
Billy.

"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're
thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now, Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand
frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your
thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey,
I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.
Okay, I've got it: it's about 8 inches long, hard, and
it's got a little pink head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "its a pencil, but I like your
thinking!"

 

[Lucky9teen]

Brian Williams Raps "Rappers Delight"

[zeugma]

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~ Lee Trevino

LOL. I resemble that remark!

[Lucky9teen]

Funny Family Feud Segment