***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

 

 

This guy is a genius...

 

 

 

I had to cuss a kid out yesterday, but I did not want to violate my own "No Profanity Rule" so I said, "Shut the fudge up, you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?"

 

 

 

What happens when you don't know your fruit...

 

 

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn Autocorrect...I meant "WiFi", not "Wife".

I wish you would be my emergency contact person one day.

I’m celebrating no need to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Congratulations! You are my first repetitive Valentine.

I suspect you was cheating, your gift for me was too amazing.

I want to say thank you for the flowers I’m going to send to myself and pretend are from you.

 

How to catch a rat

[JimRed]

(Chuckle)

[BenLurkin]

That is really good!

[dragonblustar]

[Lucky9teen]

Close Calls (youch)

[JimRed]

The teacher was teaching the uses of gardening implements to her class. “Susie, what is this?” “That’s a spade, teacher” came the answer. “What is this, Freddie?” “It’s a plow, teacher.” “Johnny, what is this?” “I don’t know, teacher; what is it?” Johnny replied.

“Johnny”, she said, “this is a hoe. Johnny, why are you shaking your head no?”

“That’s no hoe, teacher. My siter’s a ho and she don’t look nothin’ like dat!”

[relentlessly]

A man received the following text message from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto-correct. I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.

[relentlessly]

Got my Obama Care Packet today.....

I wanted to let you know that earlier today I received my “Obamacare enrollment packet” from the White House.

It contained:
· An aspirin and a band-aid.
· An ‘Obama Hope & Change’ bumper sticker
· A ‘Bush’s Fault’ yard sign
· A ‘Blame Republicans first, then anybody and everybody’ poster
· A ‘Tax the Rich’ banner
· An application for unemployment and a free cellphone
· An application for food stamps
· A prayer rug
· A letter assigning my debt to my grandchildren

And lastly, a coupon for a machine that blows smoke up my butt.

Everything was made in “China” and all directions were in Spanish.

Keep an eye out. Yours should be arriving soon.

[relentlessly]

High five....

[Little Bill]

Years ago, early 70’s, I introduced a coworker to the “Lord Of The Rings”. He got so wrapped up in the story 40 years later he is still known as Frodo. Took to many shots to the head in Golden Gloves.

[zeugma]

OMG. I think the moral of that bunch of clips is that it pays to be aware of your surroundings. Also, that your life is really not in your own hands.

[ErnBatavia]

I own page two.....

[Oatka]

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

9a. Enter the fitting room, and after a few minutes yell "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!"
(Can't remember gross source.)

[Ingtar]

Is that there the “totes ma’ goats’ thingie in action?

[sodpoodle]

From my email friend;)

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded.

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

“You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

“Thank you,” the blonde said, “And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

[sodpoodle]

Subject: Med School Exam

When my buddy took the “short” entrance exam for medical school, he was perplexed by this question

1.”Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body

That is most useful when erect.

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.

The rest are in Congress.

[onyx]

Anthony Weiner goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Weiner says, 'Female, of course.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Weiner says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian, Jewish or Muslim?'

Weiner says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up

[onyx]

[onyx]

Were half of y'all, our wonderful, loyal, regular users to reliably donate $5, $10, $20 or $30 Monthly, this FReepathon and all FReepathons would be events of the past.

PLEASE CONSIDER SIGNING UP TO DONATE MONTHLY PROVIDED YOU RELIABLY CAN!

[Lucky9teen]

Yeah. The liberal enviro-wackos are THAT dumb...

[onyx]

LOL.