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***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

Posted on 02/28/2014 4:09:28 AM PST by Lucky9teen

 

 

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 

 

 

 

The most AWESOME version of AC/DC's Thunderstruck 

 

This lady is crazy.....or not

 

 

The worlds most enthusiastic barber And is it me, or does he look like Eric Holder?

 

 

The Agony of Repeat

 

 

 

 

 

 

TOP 10 ONE LINERS

1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs

2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.

3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.

4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.

5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.

7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy.
What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. 
Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it.
Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.

9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist,

and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,“Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Government Employee called his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...

Ate the cookies...

Drank the milk...

Sh*t on the paper...

Screwed the other three cats...

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

Put in for Workers Compensation… and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT hat tip: sodpoodle



TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: friday; ofst; silliness
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1 posted on 02/28/2014 4:09:28 AM PST by Lucky9teen
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To: Lucky9teen

Top Ten IBTP!!


2 posted on 02/28/2014 4:10:38 AM PST by RandallFlagg ("I said I never had much use for one. Never said I didn't know how to use it." --Quigley)
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To: Lucky9teen



Good Morning, Everyone!

3 posted on 02/28/2014 4:10:54 AM PST by onyx (Please Support Free Republic - Donate Monthly! If you want on Sarah Palin's Ping List, Let Me know!)
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To: Lucky9teen

STANGER
And top 5....happy frozen friday


4 posted on 02/28/2014 4:11:16 AM PST by Yorlik803 ( Church/Caboose in 2016)
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...

Minus 1

and you still get


CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST



My word "sillier" HA

5 posted on 02/28/2014 4:12:45 AM PST by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: Lucky9teen

Mine was, “Stoner.”

As in Eugene Stoner. The guy behind the AR-15.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugene_Stoner

I’m such a gun nut -and proud of it!


6 posted on 02/28/2014 4:18:15 AM PST by RandallFlagg ("I said I never had much use for one. Never said I didn't know how to use it." --Quigley)
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To: Lucky9teen

Sir! Will do Sir!


7 posted on 02/28/2014 4:19:43 AM PST by CrazyIvan (Obama phones= Bread and circuits.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Sir

Top ten?!


8 posted on 02/28/2014 4:22:32 AM PST by John O (God Save America (Please))
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To: Lucky9teen

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
>
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.


9 posted on 02/28/2014 4:23:27 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
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To: RandallFlagg

Silliness Ahoy!!! Greetings from Tokyo!


10 posted on 02/28/2014 4:23:52 AM PST by Ronin (Dumb, dependent and Democrat is no way to go through life - Rep. L. Gohmert, Tex)
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To: Lucky9teen

Wow. Top 20!


11 posted on 02/28/2014 4:24:56 AM PST by glock rocks (If you like your health plan, you're a racist !)
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To: Lucky9teen
What you see is aan exercise in the Golden Mean.

Where

12 posted on 02/28/2014 4:25:50 AM PST by bert ((K.E. N.P. N.C. +12 ..... History is a process, not an event)
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To: Lucky9teen

That’s just wierd.


13 posted on 02/28/2014 4:25:52 AM PST by tet68 ( " We would not die in that man's company, that fears his fellowship to die with us...." Henry V.)
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To: Ronin

Howdy! Seen the latest Godzilla trailer yet?
http://youtu.be/vIu85WQTPRc


14 posted on 02/28/2014 4:28:29 AM PST by RandallFlagg ("I said I never had much use for one. Never said I didn't know how to use it." --Quigley)
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To: Lucky9teen
Sent ... hmph ... sent to ev .... hmph heh ... everyo ... heh heh ... everyone I ... hahhhh .. sent to everyone I .... hahhh HAHHH HA HAH .... sent to everyone I know ...HAWWWW HAHHHHH HAHHHHH (gasp .. wheeze .. gasp, gasp .. ) HAHHHHHHHH hhhh .........Someone call me an ambulance ...

you're an ambulance

15 posted on 02/28/2014 4:42:59 AM PST by knarf (I say things that are true .. I have no proof .. but they're true.)
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To: Lucky9teen

The Apple

A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said;

“Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Adam ate the apple, too!

Men will never learn!


16 posted on 02/28/2014 4:48:27 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (The Second Amendment is NOT about the right to hunt. It IS a right to shoot tyrants.)
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To: glock rocks
Pepsi MAX & Jeff Gordon Present: "Test Drive 2"
17 posted on 02/28/2014 4:54:23 AM PST by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: y'all



18 posted on 02/28/2014 4:55:18 AM PST by onyx (Please Support Free Republic - Donate Monthly! If you want on Sarah Palin's Ping List, Let Me know!)
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To: Lucky9teen

My word is star.

Computer is slow this morning, since it is updating software.


19 posted on 02/28/2014 4:57:37 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (The Second Amendment is NOT about the right to hunt. It IS a right to shoot tyrants.)
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To: Lucky9teen
TOP TWENTY!!!!!!
20 posted on 02/28/2014 5:11:23 AM PST by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
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To: Lucky9teen

Have a good weekend everyone! And to all those enduring Arctic temps, stay warm!


21 posted on 02/28/2014 5:12:00 AM PST by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
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To: Lucky9teen
Sh*tter…


22 posted on 02/28/2014 5:12:26 AM PST by cartan
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 25


23 posted on 02/28/2014 5:18:56 AM PST by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: Arrowhead1952

You got a new Windows 7 too ?


24 posted on 02/28/2014 5:19:27 AM PST by knarf (I say things that are true .. I have no proof .. but they're true.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Summer


25 posted on 02/28/2014 5:20:32 AM PST by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: Lucky9teen

26 posted on 02/28/2014 5:23:01 AM PST by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: JRios1968
The first engineer
27 posted on 02/28/2014 5:32:57 AM PST by Pan_Yan (Who told you that you were naked? Genesis 3:11)
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To: Lucky9teen

28 posted on 02/28/2014 5:36:20 AM PST by Liberty Valance (Keep a simple manner for a happy life :o)
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To: Lucky9teen

29 posted on 02/28/2014 5:37:03 AM PST by Dead Corpse (Tre Norner eg ber, binde til rota...)
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To: knarf

Yup. Takes forever to get updates downloaded and installed.


30 posted on 02/28/2014 5:37:33 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (The Second Amendment is NOT about the right to hunt. It IS a right to shoot tyrants.)
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To: Lucky9teen
RUN, SISTER !

31 posted on 02/28/2014 5:38:38 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: Lucky9teen

32 posted on 02/28/2014 5:41:03 AM PST by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: cartan
Southwest Airlines Safety brief...
33 posted on 02/28/2014 5:51:27 AM PST by Dead Corpse (Tre Norner eg ber, binde til rota...)
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To: Lucky9teen

34 posted on 02/28/2014 5:53:25 AM PST by Liberty Valance (Keep a simple manner for a happy life :o)
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To: All

The Gospel according to Titleist:
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.

~ Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~ John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
~ Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
~ Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
~ Bishop Sheen

11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
~ Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye

14. I’m hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~ Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
~ Billy Graham

16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain

18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
~ Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
~ Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.
~ All Us Hackers

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian

AND FINALLY...............

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~ Lee Trevino


35 posted on 02/28/2014 6:01:57 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (The Second Amendment is NOT about the right to hunt. It IS a right to shoot tyrants.)
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To: Lucky9teen

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my penis’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.’

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.


36 posted on 02/28/2014 6:03:39 AM PST by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: Lucky9teen

Star.


37 posted on 02/28/2014 6:06:32 AM PST by Harmless Teddy Bear (Proud Infidel, Gun Nut, Religious Fanatic and Freedom Fiend)
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To: onyx

That picture looks like an enhanced pic of a person falling from a building on 911.

I hope someone was not that distasteful.


38 posted on 02/28/2014 6:08:24 AM PST by servantboy777
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To: Lucky9teen
 photo chicken.jpg

 photo dog-1.jpg

39 posted on 02/28/2014 6:10:10 AM PST by Clay Moore ("To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize." ~Voltaire)
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To: bert

40 posted on 02/28/2014 6:19:46 AM PST by SC DOC
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To: Liberty Valance

41 posted on 02/28/2014 6:20:21 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Rummyfan

42 posted on 02/28/2014 6:21:56 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: bert

43 posted on 02/28/2014 6:23:17 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Lucky9teen

44 posted on 02/28/2014 6:24:47 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Ronin

45 posted on 02/28/2014 6:25:50 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: cartan

46 posted on 02/28/2014 6:27:26 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: onyx

47 posted on 02/28/2014 6:28:53 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Pan_Yan

48 posted on 02/28/2014 6:30:56 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: SC DOC

49 posted on 02/28/2014 6:31:39 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Clay Moore

50 posted on 02/28/2014 6:32:39 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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