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Dave Barry Learns Everything You Need to Know About Being a Husband From Reading 50 Shades of Grey
Time ^ | March 04, 2014 | Dave Barry

Posted on 03/06/2014 5:44:48 AM PST by Second Amendment First

So I read Fifty Shades of Grey. This is the book written by female British author “E. L. James” that became a huge bestseller, devoured by pretty much every woman on Earth except my wife (or so she claims).

*

So why did I read it? I read it because, as a man with decades of experience in the field of not knowing what the hell women are thinking, I was hoping this book would give me some answers. Because a lot of women LOVED this book. And they didn’t just read it; they responded to it by developing erotic feelings—feelings so powerful that in some cases they wanted to have sex with their own husbands.

I know that sounds like crazy talk, but I have firsthand confirmation of this phenomenon from my friend Ron, who is married to my wife’s cousin Sonia, a woman. Ron states: “While Sonia was reading the book, I was getting more action than Wilt Chamberlain.”

(Excerpt) Read more at ideas.time.com ...


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS:
If you like Dave Barry this should crack you up.
1 posted on 03/06/2014 5:44:48 AM PST by Second Amendment First
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To: Lazamataz

Perhaps you have some insight here.


2 posted on 03/06/2014 5:46:31 AM PST by Second Amendment First
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To: Second Amendment First

At last, all you ever wanted to know about 50 Shades of Grey without having to waste your time reading it!


3 posted on 03/06/2014 5:54:35 AM PST by gspurlock (http://www.backyardfence.wordpress.com)
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To: Second Amendment First

I can dig it — “shot down more often than the Egyptian Air Force”


4 posted on 03/06/2014 6:01:06 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Second Amendment First
I disagree with his premise that a guy has to be a superhot billionaire to get some. Just look at Donald Trump who is a lukewarm billionaire.

Thanks for posting that. It's been a couple of years since I've read a Dave Barry article and I had forgotten how funny he was.

5 posted on 03/06/2014 6:29:30 AM PST by KarlInOhio (Republican amnesty supporters don't care whether their own homes are called mansions or haciendas.)
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To: KarlInOhio

I am going to have to get the book:

Excerpted from “You Can Date Boys When You’re Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little About,” to be published by G.P. Putnam’s Sons, a member of Penguin Group (USA), on March 4.


6 posted on 03/06/2014 6:40:06 AM PST by Second Amendment First
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To: Second Amendment First

Dave gives voice to what inside we men who love a woman all deal with. I have learned from near 40 years of cohabitating with a human female, that women don’t think like people. They have a knack and natural talent for keeping their males always off balance and feeling a near constant strange sense of guilt! We zig, they zag…through the “minuet” known as “relationship”. Go figure? Women also always seem to be somewhat discontent (???), with their bodies, their houses and most of all, their relationships (especially with those who they may have sex with), good is never quite good enough…??? Not to reignite the battle of the sexes, but I do sometimes wonder why Ole Serpent approached Eve in the Garden… in the perfect creation of God, she was somehow unhappy ‘bout something. (“does my fig leaf make me look fat”?). All I can determine is this proves yet again God has a rather twisted sense of humor. The jokes on us fellows as has always been. Don’t let my wife see this, or I’m (not)screwed!


7 posted on 03/06/2014 6:49:46 AM PST by FiddlePig
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To: FiddlePig

“does my fig leaf make me look fat”?

You’re a funny guy!


8 posted on 03/06/2014 6:52:53 AM PST by Second Amendment First
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To: Second Amendment First

It’s a signal from the female gender... “We are interested in sex! We’re just not interested in sex with you unless you’re a superhot billionaire.”


Yeah, seems pretty accurate.


9 posted on 03/06/2014 6:58:11 AM PST by Boogieman
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To: Second Amendment First

The women who read (and like) this book are the ones who vote Democrat...and why this nation is so messed up.


10 posted on 03/06/2014 7:04:19 AM PST by goodnesswins (R.I.P. Doherty, Smith, Stevens, Woods.)
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To: Second Amendment First

Totally cracked me up!


11 posted on 03/06/2014 7:06:33 AM PST by aquila48
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To: Second Amendment First
Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place.
12 posted on 03/06/2014 7:11:39 AM PST by dblshot (I am John Galt.)
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To: Second Amendment First

My wife read all three of the books. Contrary to what Dave says, it did NOT result in any increase of activity in the bedroom.


13 posted on 03/06/2014 7:20:24 AM PST by CA Conservative (Texan by birth, Californian by circumstance)
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To: Second Amendment First

I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was a book about government interior decorators.


14 posted on 03/06/2014 7:34:58 AM PST by blueunicorn6 ("A crack shot and a good dancer")
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To: CA Conservative

Hmmm ... any billionaires live in your neighborhood?


15 posted on 03/06/2014 7:54:58 AM PST by Second Amendment First
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To: Second Amendment First

Dave somehow managed to skip right over what is to me the most blazingly obvious fact about the success of this book.

While I must admit I couldn’t actually read the thing through, I did scan it. The protagonists have perhaps the most unegalitarian relationship in history.

And the women reading the book and talking about it apparently find that immensely attractive. Which puts a serious crime, to my mind, in the notion that all, or possibly even most, women really want a relationship of equals. Which could explain a great deal about why so many of the women who buy this book are so angry at the world, and especially at men.

There are, of course, very similar books with the dominant/submissive genders reversed. That has always been a rather small minority male interest.


16 posted on 03/06/2014 9:57:59 AM PST by Sherman Logan
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Bfl


17 posted on 03/31/2014 11:25:52 AM PDT by Professional Engineer (I am not cynical. /s)
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