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A Very Important And Important Scientific Ranking of Jerry's Girlfriends
uproxx ^ | 3/6/2014 | Ashley Burns

Posted on 03/07/2014 7:17:46 PM PST by Gamecock

Excerpt…

Like most people in my coveted demographic, I probably watch as many Seinfeld reruns on TBS and my local stations as I do brand new shows, despite the fact that I’ve seen every episode dozens of times and constantly quote them when I’m telling stories to my dog. What can I say? Even the 75th viewing of “The Serenity Now” is still funnier than anything that has ever happened on Two and a Half Men.

But possibly unlike most people, I overanalyze almost everything about the ridiculousness of Seinfeld, and I try to rationalize a lot of what happened to Jerry and the gang as if it happened in real life. How many ways would Joe Davola have chopped up Kramer’s body once he kicked him in the head? At what point would Jerry have decided that enough was enough and moved without telling Kramer? When would Elaine finally settle into a loveless marriage with a wealthy man? How old would George Costanza have been when his heart finally exploded?

The one question that came up in a conversation with a friend, though, was “Who was Jerry’s best girlfriend?” That friend – we’ll call him Bob Sacamano – eventually challenged me to make a ranking of Jerry’s best girlfriends. “But not just one of those ‘Who was the hottest’ lists with no detail,” he demanded. “I’m talking a thorough, scientific analysis based on everything that we look for in a woman.” Later, he’d say that he was joking, but it was already too late.

My mind began racing and my fingers began typing, as I watched old episodes yet again and went through detailed breakdowns of every episode. Thus, I decided that I’d rank the 50 best girlfriends that Jerry dated on Seinfeld, using 1-10 scales for the following categories: Personality, Intelligence, Looks, Cleanliness, Sense of Humor, Compassion, Fidelity, and an overall “Gaga” factor. I call this scoring system the Kavorka Score, and the results will forever be locked inside my safe because this system is too powerful to fall into the wrong man hands.

The only girlfriend not considered in this ranking is Elaine, because she was the first and a core part of the show. Plus, we never really talk about it, but Elaine was as lousy at commitment as Jerry was. In fact, I’m surprised she and Jerry didn’t have their own tractor stories by the time the show aired its finale. Otherwise, every girlfriend over the span of all nine seasons has been considered, and with that said, I give you this very scientific ranking of Seinfeld’s girlfriends.

The Women that Didn’t Make the Cut

Sandra (“The Cheever Letters”): I understand that she was turned off by Jerry’s terrible sex talk –“You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?” – but she didn’t have to rat him out to Elaine.

Bridgette (“The Diplomat’s Club”): She was very attractive but barely on the show. I still could have made a case for her to be No. 1 based on that. Gail Cunningham (“The Shoes”): She wouldn’t kiss Jerry. That’s pretty messed up.

Margaret (“The Big Salad”): She dated Newman and wasn’t “his type.” That’s a damning statement.

Angela (“The Good Samaritan”): Jerry should have just turned her into the cops for the hit-and-run so he could date Becky Gelke.

Corinne (“The Marine Biologist”): Carol Kane might have been Jerry’s absolute worst love interest.

Naomi (“The Bubble Boy”): The awful laugh was one thing, but I hold grudges against everyone that was involved with Caddyshack II.

Sue Ellen Mischke (“The Caddy”): Sure, the braless wonder was a great candidate, but they didn’t actually date. It was just infatuation.

Shelly (“The Doodle”): After Fletch, Dana Wheeler-Nicholson should have been at least a B-list actress. I’d like to know what happened to her career that made her so unsuccessful.

Lisi (“The Sentence Finisher”): She was awful. Keith Hernandez (“The Boyfriend”): I still think they could have had one season that featured Keith in the gang as Jerry’s best friend.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous
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Posting from my tablet, or else I would post then entire list…
1 posted on 03/07/2014 7:17:47 PM PST by Gamecock
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To: Gamecock

Corrine was the worst.

Lois was awesome.


2 posted on 03/07/2014 7:18:21 PM PST by Gamecock
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To: MotleyGirl70; Cagey; Mr. Brightside; earlJam; Rb ver. 2.0; lesser_satan; Taffini; jdm; countess; ...

Ping


3 posted on 03/07/2014 7:19:28 PM PST by Gamecock
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To: Gamecock

Are you people blind? Elaine Benes was his best girlfriend.


4 posted on 03/07/2014 7:21:15 PM PST by DManA
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To: Gamecock
An article about nothing...

:>]

5 posted on 03/07/2014 7:22:03 PM PST by E. Pluribus Unum (If Barack Hussein Obama entertains a thought that he does not verbalize, is it still a lie?)
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To: Gamecock

LOL! I briefly dated a woman who once appeared as an extra on a Seinfeld episode.


6 posted on 03/07/2014 7:22:46 PM PST by posterchild
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To: Gamecock

The one who wouldn’t give Jerry a massage was the biggest tease of them all.

The “real and spectacular” girl was pretty nice.


7 posted on 03/07/2014 7:24:27 PM PST by Larry Lucido
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To: Gamecock

I’d rather see a list of Dobie Gillis’ many loves. Tuesday Weld was the best, by far.


8 posted on 03/07/2014 7:25:32 PM PST by ProtectOurFreedom
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To: Gamecock

Seinfeld was one of those shows which everyone talks about around the water cooler the next day at work.

Some really funny ones but also a lot of mediocre ones too but that is just my opinion.

I think most of his girlfriends tended to be 7s or 8s with very few 10s. That girl who played Marcia Brady in the movies was an exception, she was flat out pretty.

Elaine was probably the least attractive of the bunch but I sort of liked her. The funniest one on the show was Newman.


9 posted on 03/07/2014 7:28:02 PM PST by yarddog (Romans 8: verses 38 and 39. "For I am persuaded".)
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To: yarddog

The biggest laugh I got from the show was when Jerry’s mom was visiting and Newman walked in. She goes in the perfect Jerry voice “Hello Newwwman”


10 posted on 03/07/2014 7:30:43 PM PST by DManA
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To: ProtectOurFreedom

For a few years in the 50s I thought Tuesday Weld was the prettiest girl in the world. Eventually there was a girl in my high school who was even prettier and to top it off, she had a crush on my older Brother. That way she would talk to me. Actually she was so sweet she talked to everybody even the dorks.

A friend of mine in grad school did not believe me until I showed him an annual picture of her.

Also my late wife would had stood up against just about any of them in both face and form.


11 posted on 03/07/2014 7:32:16 PM PST by yarddog (Romans 8: verses 38 and 39. "For I am persuaded".)
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To: Gamecock

12 posted on 03/07/2014 7:35:08 PM PST by ClearCase_guy
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To: DManA
Are you people blind? Elaine Benes was his best girlfriend.

Oh good. I'm not the only one saying "duh!"

13 posted on 03/07/2014 7:35:09 PM PST by workerbee (The President of the United States is DOMESTIC ENEMY #1!)
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To: DManA

Neuman with the farmer’s daughter was one of the better episodes.


14 posted on 03/07/2014 7:35:50 PM PST by yarddog (Romans 8: verses 38 and 39. "For I am persuaded".)
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To: workerbee

Elaine’s head was too big.


15 posted on 03/07/2014 7:36:45 PM PST by yarddog (Romans 8: verses 38 and 39. "For I am persuaded".)
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To: Gamecock

16 posted on 03/07/2014 7:36:59 PM PST by dfwgator
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To: dfwgator

Real AND spectacular? Nahh.


17 posted on 03/07/2014 7:37:52 PM PST by workerbee (The President of the United States is DOMESTIC ENEMY #1!)
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To: yarddog
 photo joefcopy.jpg My Brother was the best high school running back I ever saw. He was big strong and fast. Also all NorthWest Floria Conference. He got married when still in high school and they had 5 gorgeous kids. Two of the girls were named queens of their respective colleges and the yougest one is the prettiest of all.
18 posted on 03/07/2014 7:39:50 PM PST by yarddog (Romans 8: verses 38 and 39. "For I am persuaded".)
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To: yarddog

Neuman was best character bar none. Do you remember the time Benes hired him to kill the dog in her apartment who wouldn’t stop barking?


19 posted on 03/07/2014 7:40:32 PM PST by DManA
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To: ClearCase_guy

Manhands.


20 posted on 03/07/2014 7:42:45 PM PST by Gamecock
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To: DManA
Neuman is actually good in everything he has been in. BTW, this is my wife when we first got married and she did not know how to cook. photo Picture852copy_zps8a2657cc.jpg
21 posted on 03/07/2014 7:44:21 PM PST by yarddog (Romans 8: verses 38 and 39. "For I am persuaded".)
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To: Gamecock

Jane Leeves - Teri Hatcher - Jami Gertz - Courtney Cox - Kristin Davis - Debra Messing - Amanda Peete - Lori Loughlin - Marcia Cross

Not a bad collection!


22 posted on 03/07/2014 7:50:26 PM PST by jjotto ("Ya could look it up!")
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To: yarddog

Are you implying she’s not that skinny anymore?


23 posted on 03/07/2014 7:50:30 PM PST by DManA
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To: Gamecock
Best:

+Mr. Bookman and the overdue Tropic of Cancer
+George's mother in the hospital due to his behavior with Glamour magazine
+The rye bread
+The Cigar Store Indian
+Yada-yada and anti-dentite (same ep)

24 posted on 03/07/2014 7:50:35 PM PST by workerbee (The President of the United States is DOMESTIC ENEMY #1!)
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To: Gamecock

Oh, and I can’t forget the one where George finally gets his chance to be a “marine biologist” and Kramer gets his hole-in-one! LOL


25 posted on 03/07/2014 7:53:06 PM PST by workerbee (The President of the United States is DOMESTIC ENEMY #1!)
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To: Larry Lucido

Roger that to “they’re real and they’re spectacular” girl. Teri Hatcher - she’ll always be “Penny” from MacGuyver to me.


26 posted on 03/07/2014 7:58:21 PM PST by andyk (I have sworn...eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.)
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To: Gamecock

I liked Jenna (toothbrush in the toilet).


27 posted on 03/07/2014 7:59:54 PM PST by Kirkwood (Zombie Hunter)
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To: DManA

She never did put on weight except when she was pregnant. I do remember my Mother whispering to me that she was putting the baby on a diet too, when she lost some weight while nursing.

The baby stayed healthy tho.


28 posted on 03/07/2014 8:04:54 PM PST by yarddog (Romans 8: verses 38 and 39. "For I am persuaded".)
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To: yarddog

You’re a lucky guy man.


29 posted on 03/07/2014 8:06:51 PM PST by DManA
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To: Kirkwood

She’s a cutie.


30 posted on 03/07/2014 8:08:35 PM PST by Gamecock
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To: Gamecock

Newman.

Unbeknownst to most, Seinfeild and Newman had a torrid romance going on. A real pork fest...


31 posted on 03/07/2014 8:09:55 PM PST by Drango (A liberal's compassion is limited only by the size of someone else's wallet.)
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To: yarddog

What high school and what year?


32 posted on 03/07/2014 8:11:59 PM PST by SeaHawkFan
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To: SeaHawkFan

Walton High School 1961.


33 posted on 03/07/2014 8:13:52 PM PST by yarddog (Romans 8: verses 38 and 39. "For I am persuaded".)
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To: Gamecock

The actress who played Sue Ellen Mischke is playing Bobby Ewing’s wife on Dallas. She is still very attraciive.


34 posted on 03/07/2014 8:13:55 PM PST by UB355 (Slower traffic keep rigsupreme Splasht)
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To: dfwgator

Teri Hatcher...giggity!


35 posted on 03/07/2014 8:14:14 PM PST by Free Vulcan (Vote Republican! You can vote Democrat when you're dead...)
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To: Free Vulcan

Christine Taylor. The one all the other girls thought Seinfeld was being so nice taking her out.

The funny part was she was perfect in every way and Jerry never could find out what was wrong with her.


36 posted on 03/07/2014 8:18:34 PM PST by yarddog (Romans 8: verses 38 and 39. "For I am persuaded".)
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To: jjotto

Helen Slater.


37 posted on 03/07/2014 8:25:59 PM PST by Calvin Locke
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To: Gamecock

I take pride in having never watched a single episode of Seinfeld.


38 posted on 03/07/2014 8:32:32 PM PST by bigbob (The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly. Abraham Lincoln)
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To: yarddog

Newman as a lawyer with Kramer threatening suicide was one of the funniest ever.


39 posted on 03/07/2014 8:32:45 PM PST by bray (The Republic of Texas 2022 coming soon)
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To: ProtectOurFreedom

Yvonne Craig.


40 posted on 03/07/2014 8:35:49 PM PST by ifinnegan
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To: ClearCase_guy

Different Jerry.


41 posted on 03/07/2014 8:38:45 PM PST by ifinnegan
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To: yarddog

The funny part was she was perfect in every way and Jerry never could find out what was wrong with her
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Wasn’t the ‘final straw’ when his mother and father thought she was PERFECT or in BO speak PRFECT.

So Jerry naturally figures if ‘Mom’ likes her, there has to be something wrong....


42 posted on 03/07/2014 8:47:26 PM PST by xrmusn (6/98 --In CNNs (feeble) mind, EVERYONE that doesnt ask for more Kool-Aid is bullying BO)
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To: Gamecock

Mulva.....


43 posted on 03/07/2014 8:50:19 PM PST by Intolerant in NJ
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To: xrmusn

I think you are right.


44 posted on 03/07/2014 8:55:54 PM PST by yarddog (Romans 8: verses 38 and 39. "For I am persuaded".)
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To: Larry Lucido

Jami Gertz

Don't Have a Square to Spare

45 posted on 03/07/2014 8:56:59 PM PST by smokingfrog ( sleep with one eye open (<o> ---)
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To: Calvin Locke

Supergirl! And still hot at 50!


46 posted on 03/07/2014 9:18:27 PM PST by jjotto ("Ya could look it up!")
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To: bigbob
I take pride in having never watched a single episode of Seinfeld.

You HAVE to watch the "Master of My Domain" episode - it was the BEST !!!

47 posted on 03/07/2014 9:33:51 PM PST by Lmo56 (If ya wanna run with the big dawgs - ya gotta learn to piss in the tall grass ...)
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To: Intolerant in NJ
Mulva.....

Delores ???

48 posted on 03/07/2014 9:35:01 PM PST by Lmo56 (If ya wanna run with the big dawgs - ya gotta learn to piss in the tall grass ...)
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To: Gamecock

Jerry’s #1 girlfriend was George - not that there’s anything wrong with that ...


49 posted on 03/07/2014 9:36:43 PM PST by Lmo56 (If ya wanna run with the big dawgs - ya gotta learn to piss in the tall grass ...)
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To: Gamecock

Tractor Girl was a 9.


50 posted on 03/07/2014 9:38:40 PM PST by Hammerhead
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