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***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

Posted on 04/18/2014 5:38:39 AM PDT by Lucky9teen

One Easter a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your Easter sermons people slept.  When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'


The Call to Worship had just been pronounced starting Easter Sunday Morning service in an East Texas church. The choir started its processional, singing "Up from the Grave He Arose" as they marched in perfect step down the center aisle to the front of the church.

The last lady was wearing shoes with very slender heels. Without a thought for her fancy heels, she marched toward the grating that covered that hot air register in the middle of the aisle. Suddenly the heel of one shoe sank into the hole in the register grate.

In a flash she realized her predicament. Not wishing to hold up the whole processional, without missing a step, she slipped her foot out of her shoe and continued marching down the aisle.

There wasn’t a hitch. The processional moved with clock-like precision. The first man after her spotted the situation and without losing a step, reached down and pulled up her shoe, but the entire grate came with it! Surprised, but still singing, the man kept on going down the aisle, holding in his hand the grate with the shoe attached.

Everything still moved like clockwork. Still in tune and still in step, the next man in line stepped into the open register and disappeared from sight. The service took on a special meaning that Sunday, for just as the choir ended with "Allelujah! Christ arose!" a voice was heard under the church shouting, "I hope all of you are out of the way ’cause I’m coming out now!"

The little girl closest to the aisle shouted, "Come on, Jesus! We’ll stay out of the way."


Three fools died and find themselves at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St Peter asks the first fool, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The fool replies, "Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful...."

"WRONG," replies St Peter, and proceeds to ask the second fool the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second fool replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second fool and shakes his head in disgust. He looks at the third fool and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third fool smiles and looks St Peter in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples ate the last supper. He later was betrayed and turned over to the Romans by one of his own disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified, made Him wear a crown of thorns, hung him on a cross, and stabbed him in the side. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third fool continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."


A Sunday School teacher asked her class to write one sentence each on "What Easter Means to Me." One pupil wrote: "Egg salad sandwiches for the next two weeks!"


One lady wrote in to a question and answer forum. "Dear Sirs, Our preacher said on Easter, that Jesus just swooned on the cross and that the disciples nursed Him back to health. What do you think? Sincerely, Bewildered."

"Dear Bewildered, Beat your preacher with a cat-of-nine-tails with 39 heavy strokes, nail him to a cross; hang him in the sun for 6 hours; run a spear thru his side...put him in an airless tomb for 36 hours and see what happens. Sincerely, Charles."

My friends, He is risen!

 


I heard about a church organist who overslept one Easter morning. She said, "The service was scheduled for 6:30. At 6:31, the minister called to see if I was coming. Since I live near the church, I was at the organ by 6:45. Then, a year later on Easter morning my phone rang at 5:45. When I answered, I heard the minister announce: 'Christ is risen! And you'd better rise, too!'"


Judy Packard of Lake Leelanau, Michigan, talks about the time her neighbor, visiting the Holy Land, sent a letter describing the beautiful gardens.

Her 6-year-old mused, "I wonder if he saw the rose."

"What rose?" Judy asked.

"You know," said her child, "like the Bible women saw. They went to that garden where Jesus was buried and they saw Christ had a rose!"
 


Funny Church Notices for EasterClean Religious Jokes

Maria came home from Sunday School on Palm Sunday and told her mother that she had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.

It took her mother a while before she realised that the hymn Maria had been singing was really: "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."



TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: easter; ofst; silliness
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Actual advice being handed to students in Nebraska

Self Important Selfy


1 posted on 04/18/2014 5:38:40 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...



It's Time For


CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST


2 posted on 04/18/2014 5:40:58 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: Lucky9teen

3 posted on 04/18/2014 5:41:48 AM PDT by Dead Corpse (Tri nornar eg bir. Binde til rota...)
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To: Lucky9teen
Picture from ping post

4 posted on 04/18/2014 5:42:31 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: Lucky9teen

Inb410


5 posted on 04/18/2014 5:43:04 AM PDT by AppyPappy
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To: AppyPappy

TOP TEN, YIPPEE! Happy Friday all!


6 posted on 04/18/2014 5:48:38 AM PDT by freebird5850 (The only good thing about Barry getting re-elected is now we get to see him fall from a higher place)
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To: Lucky9teen

Thank you for the silliness.


7 posted on 04/18/2014 5:53:06 AM PDT by secret garden (Why procrastinate when you can perendinate?)
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To: freebird5850

IN!


8 posted on 04/18/2014 5:53:31 AM PDT by aMorePerfectUnion
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To: freebird5850

Top 10.....Fridays rock


9 posted on 04/18/2014 5:53:51 AM PDT by Yorlik803 ( Church/Caboose in 2016)
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To: Lucky9teen

New patriotic meme for those standing against federal tyranny—
COWaBundy !


10 posted on 04/18/2014 5:53:54 AM PDT by hoosiermama (Obama: "Born in Kenya" Lying now or then or now)
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To: Lucky9teen
Catholics don't recognize Anglicans.

Presbyterians don't recognize Methodists.

Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

11 posted on 04/18/2014 5:57:02 AM PDT by KC_Lion (Build the America you want to live in at your address, and keep looking up.- Sarah Palin)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 20!


12 posted on 04/18/2014 5:57:46 AM PDT by TADSLOS (The Event Horizon has come and gone. Buckle up and hang on.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Working today.

Buncha damn heathens running this joint.


13 posted on 04/18/2014 5:58:17 AM PDT by envisio (Its on like Donkey Kong!)
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To: Lucky9teen
HAPPY EASTER ALL!!!!
14 posted on 04/18/2014 5:59:18 AM PDT by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
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To: Lucky9teen

Good Morning!


15 posted on 04/18/2014 6:00:11 AM PDT by left that other site (You shall know the Truth, and The Truth Shall Set You Free.)
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To: left that other site

Top 15! LOL!


16 posted on 04/18/2014 6:00:54 AM PDT by left that other site (You shall know the Truth, and The Truth Shall Set You Free.)
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To: Lucky9teen

The atheists already had their holiday the 1st of the month.....

Verily, it is written: The fool hath said in his heart, “There is no God.”


17 posted on 04/18/2014 6:06:56 AM PDT by fredhead (Join the Navy and see the world.....77% of which is covered in water.)
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To: Lucky9teen

The Lion Tamer

A circus owner places an ad on a professional blog for a lion tamer. Two people show up. One is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The other is a ruggedly handsome retired grey-haired senior golfer in his late sixties to early seventies.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious beast. He ate the last lion tamer so you better be good or you’ll be history. Here’s your equipment — a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try
out first?”

The blond quickly says, “I will...I’ll go first.” Then she walks right past the chair, the whip, and the gun and fearlessly steps into the lion’s cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant, lets out an ear shattering roar, and charges at her. When he’s about halfway there, she throws her coat open to reveal her
absolutely beautiful naked body.

Well, the lion stops dead in his tracks. He slinks down and sheepishly crawls up to her and begins to lick her feet and ankles. He continues to nuzzle and caress her entire body for several minutes, and then rests his head on her feet.

The owner’s jaw drops wide open in astonishment. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” Turning to the rugged old retired golfer and he asks, “Think you can top that?”

The golfer replies, “No problem - - just get that lion out of there!”


18 posted on 04/18/2014 6:10:48 AM PDT by Arrowhead1952 (The Second Amendment is NOT about the right to hunt. It IS a right to shoot tyrants.)
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To: Lucky9teen; TADSLOS; Dead Corpse; GraceG
US releases $450 million in frozen Iran funds http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3145872/posts

Well, I guess we just had to

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Let it Go!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk

Oh! I did it again! I am the greatest pun guy ever! I cannot be stopped!

19 posted on 04/18/2014 6:11:20 AM PDT by KC_Lion (Build the America you want to live in at your address, and keep looking up.- Sarah Palin)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 20????


20 posted on 04/18/2014 6:14:05 AM PDT by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is...sounding pretty good about now.)
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To: Arrowhead1952
Seems to fit here...

Good kitty...

21 posted on 04/18/2014 6:19:42 AM PDT by Dead Corpse (Tri nornar eg bir. Binde til rota...)
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To: Lucky9teen

Good morning on this Good Friday!


22 posted on 04/18/2014 6:22:49 AM PDT by Disambiguator
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To: Lucky9teen

There is one rule for dealing with bullies.

Stand up to them. Fight back if you have to. Beat their asses if you can.


23 posted on 04/18/2014 6:30:44 AM PDT by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (I'm not anti-government, government's anti-me.)
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To: KC_Lion

Q: What’s the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?
A: A Methodist will say hello to you when you see him in the liquor store.


24 posted on 04/18/2014 6:33:17 AM PDT by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (I'm not anti-government, government's anti-me.)
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To: ZirconEncrustedTweezers

Old joke about three liberals arguing about the meaning of Easter.

Michelle: “I can’t wait for easter. I’ve already bought all the Easter presents for my kids and will get an Easter tree as soon as the lot opens.

Joe: That’s not Easter. Easter is a religious holiday that’s celebrated only in America. It’s when all the Pilgrims and the Indians got together for a big dinner.

Debbie: No, No, Joe! Easter is a religious holiday that’s celebrated all over the world. Remember the story of when Christ died on the cross? After he died he was put into a cave. On the third day, which is Easter, he rose from the dead, stepped from the cave, didn’t see his shadow and went back in for another six weeks.


25 posted on 04/18/2014 6:39:23 AM PDT by Loud Mime (Character matters for those who understand the concept)
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To: ZirconEncrustedTweezers
Q: What’s the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?

A: A Methodist drinks in public and prays in secret. A Baptist does it the other way.

26 posted on 04/18/2014 6:45:35 AM PDT by Pan_Yan
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To: Lucky9teen; All
 photo Gladyschurchmusicformat-1.jpg

27 posted on 04/18/2014 6:46:57 AM PDT by musicman (Until I see the REAL Long Form Vault BC, he's just "PRES__ENT" Obama = Without "ID")
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To: Lucky9teen

A couple of Easter jokes from Twitter:

To have an authentic Sunrise Service only women should attend then go tell the men about it.

I planted some flower seeds in mashed potatoes.
Up from the gravy, a rose.


28 posted on 04/18/2014 6:47:32 AM PDT by Pan_Yan
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To: Lucky9teen
From The Masters golf tournament in Augusta, GA last week:



Clowns to left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle again

h/t to cleveland.com for the pic and Stealers Wheel for the lyric

29 posted on 04/18/2014 7:10:47 AM PDT by upchuck (Support ABLE, the Anybody But Lindsey Effort. Yes, we are the ABLE!!)
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To: Lucky9teen
From The Masters golf tournament in Augusta, GA last week:



Clowns to left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle again

h/t to cleveland.com for the pic and Stealers Wheel for the lyric

30 posted on 04/18/2014 7:10:48 AM PDT by upchuck (Support ABLE, the Anybody But Lindsey Effort. Yes, we are the ABLE!!)
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To: upchuck

“Clowns to left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle again”

ROFL...how funny, and so true.


31 posted on 04/18/2014 7:14:52 AM PDT by Kackikat
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To: Lucky9teen

32 posted on 04/18/2014 7:21:12 AM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: Lucky9teen

33 posted on 04/18/2014 7:22:57 AM PDT by red-dawg (<<< click for info on my book.)
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To: Lucky9teen

34 posted on 04/18/2014 7:31:35 AM PDT by llevrok (F the government)
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To: Lucky9teen

35 posted on 04/18/2014 7:42:51 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: red-dawg

36 posted on 04/18/2014 7:47:15 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: BenLurkin

President Obama walked into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?”

Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!”

Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.s

Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama: “I order you to cash this check!”

Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t have a clue what to do.”

Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”


37 posted on 04/18/2014 8:02:45 AM PDT by Baynative (Got bulbs? Check my profile page.)
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To: Baynative

bttt!


38 posted on 04/18/2014 8:04:09 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Dead Corpse

That’s either a man or a very masculine-looking woman (face only).


39 posted on 04/18/2014 8:06:58 AM PDT by TheOldLady
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To: Lucky9teen




Support Free Republic



40 posted on 04/18/2014 8:07:11 AM PDT by Lady Jag (Tolerance and apathy are the last virtues of a dying society. - Aristotle)
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To: Lucky9teen

Knock, Knock.

Who’s There?

Ether.

Ether Who?

Ether Bunny!

Knock, Knock.

Who’s There?

Anna.

Anna Who?

Annather Ether Bunny!


41 posted on 04/18/2014 8:43:09 AM PDT by P.O.E. (Pray for America)
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To: Lucky9teen

Good Friday is a great holiday!

Christians can celebrate because it acknowledges the washing away of our sins by Christ’s blood, and his arising again two days later to the Glory of our Father.

Atheists can celebrate because a man of the cloth was killed.

Jews can celebrate because a false Messiah was executed for his crimes.

Muslims can celebrate because he was murdered in the most painful and humiliating way possible.

Everybody else can celebrate because the traffic is light.

The entire world can celebrate because...IT’S FRIDAY!!!!


42 posted on 04/18/2014 8:48:55 AM PDT by Cyber Liberty (H.L. Mencken: "The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.")
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To: Cyber Liberty

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA, NANCY PELOSI, HARRY REID, ALL THE ELITES OF CONGRESS, THE MASS MEDIA, AND HOLLYWOOD, THAN WITH ONE CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN!’

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty; and after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask, what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: Owen’s Funeral Home (You gotta love it!!!)


43 posted on 04/18/2014 9:06:21 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: P.O.E.
Oh HIYA....wanna be friends?

44 posted on 04/18/2014 9:07:23 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: Lucky9teen

Spring is finally here. I’m so excited I wet my plants.


45 posted on 04/18/2014 9:22:20 AM PDT by IM2MAD (IM2MAD=Individual Motivated 2 Make A Difference)
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To: Baynative
LOL!!!!
46 posted on 04/18/2014 9:23:17 AM PDT by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
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To: Lucky9teen

Photobombed by a seal.

AR AR AR AR AR


47 posted on 04/18/2014 9:23:58 AM PDT by wastedyears (I'm a pessimist, I say plenty of negative things. Consider it a warning of sorts.)
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To: IM2MAD

48 posted on 04/18/2014 9:40:14 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: IM2MAD

Spring has sprung,
the grass has rizz.
I wonder where the birdies is?


49 posted on 04/18/2014 9:41:50 AM PDT by llevrok (F the government)
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To: P.O.E.

You forgot Stella and Wanda.

Stella nother Ether bunny and Wanda where all those Ether bunnies are coming from.


50 posted on 04/18/2014 9:53:34 AM PDT by N. Theknow (Kennedys-Can't drive, can't ski, can't fly, can't skipper a boat-But they know what's best for you.)
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