One Easter a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.Posted on 04/18/2014 5:38:39 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
One Easter a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your Easter sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
The Call to Worship had just been pronounced starting Easter Sunday Morning service in an East Texas church. The choir started its processional, singing "Up from the Grave He Arose" as they marched in perfect step down the center aisle to the front of the church.
The last lady was wearing shoes with very slender heels. Without a thought for her fancy heels, she marched toward the grating that covered that hot air register in the middle of the aisle. Suddenly the heel of one shoe sank into the hole in the register grate. 
In a flash she realized her predicament. Not wishing to hold up the whole processional, without missing a step, she slipped her foot out of her shoe and continued marching down the aisle.
There wasn’t a hitch. The processional moved with clock-like precision. The first man after her spotted the situation and without losing a step, reached down and pulled up her shoe, but the entire grate came with it! Surprised, but still singing, the man kept on going down the aisle, holding in his hand the grate with the shoe attached.
Everything still moved like clockwork. Still in tune and still in step, the next man in line stepped into the open register and disappeared from sight. The service took on a special meaning that Sunday, for just as the choir ended with "Allelujah! Christ arose!" a voice was heard under the church shouting, "I hope all of you are out of the way ’cause I’m coming out now!"
The little girl closest to the aisle shouted, "Come on, Jesus! We’ll stay out of the way."
Three fools died and find themselves at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St Peter asks the first fool, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The fool replies, "Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful...."
"WRONG," replies St Peter, and proceeds to ask the second fool the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The second fool replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second fool and shakes his head in disgust. He looks at the third fool and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The third fool smiles and looks St Peter in the eye.
"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples ate the last supper. He later was betrayed and turned over to the Romans by one of his own disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified, made Him wear a crown of thorns, hung him on a cross, and stabbed him in the side. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third fool continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class to write one sentence each on "What Easter Means to Me." One pupil wrote: "Egg salad sandwiches for the next two weeks!"
One lady wrote in to a question and answer forum. "Dear Sirs, Our preacher said on Easter, that Jesus just swooned on the cross and that the disciples nursed Him back to health. What do you think? Sincerely, Bewildered."
"Dear Bewildered, Beat your preacher with a cat-of-nine-tails with 39 heavy strokes, nail him to a cross; hang him in the sun for 6 hours; run a spear thru his side...put him in an airless tomb for 36 hours and see what happens. Sincerely, Charles."
My friends, He is risen!
I heard about a church organist who overslept one Easter morning. She said, "The service was scheduled for 6:30. At 6:31, the minister called to see if I was coming. Since I live near the church, I was at the organ by 6:45. Then, a year later on Easter morning my phone rang at 5:45. When I answered, I heard the minister announce: 'Christ is risen! And you'd better rise, too!'"
Judy Packard of Lake Leelanau, Michigan, talks about the time her neighbor, visiting the Holy Land, sent a letter describing the beautiful gardens.
Her 6-year-old mused, "I wonder if he saw the rose."
"What rose?" Judy asked.
"You know," said her child, "like the Bible women saw. They went to that garden where Jesus was buried and they saw Christ had a rose!"
Maria came home from Sunday School on Palm Sunday and told her mother that she had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.
It took her mother a while before she realised that the hymn Maria had been singing was really: "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."
Good kitty...
Good morning on this Good Friday!
There is one rule for dealing with bullies.
Stand up to them. Fight back if you have to. Beat their asses if you can.
Q: What’s the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?
A: A Methodist will say hello to you when you see him in the liquor store.
Old joke about three liberals arguing about the meaning of Easter.
Michelle: “I can’t wait for easter. I’ve already bought all the Easter presents for my kids and will get an Easter tree as soon as the lot opens.
Joe: That’s not Easter. Easter is a religious holiday that’s celebrated only in America. It’s when all the Pilgrims and the Indians got together for a big dinner.
Debbie: No, No, Joe! Easter is a religious holiday that’s celebrated all over the world. Remember the story of when Christ died on the cross? After he died he was put into a cave. On the third day, which is Easter, he rose from the dead, stepped from the cave, didn’t see his shadow and went back in for another six weeks.
A: A Methodist drinks in public and prays in secret. A Baptist does it the other way.
A couple of Easter jokes from Twitter:
To have an authentic Sunrise Service only women should attend then go tell the men about it.
I planted some flower seeds in mashed potatoes.
Up from the gravy, a rose.
h/t to cleveland.com for the pic and Stealers Wheel for the lyric
h/t to cleveland.com for the pic and Stealers Wheel for the lyric
“Clowns to left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle again”
ROFL...how funny, and so true.
President Obama walked into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?”
Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!”
Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.s
Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Obama: “I order you to cash this check!”
Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t have a clue what to do.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”
bttt!
That’s either a man or a very masculine-looking woman (face only).
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