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Divorce

Posted on 05/09/2014 9:07:18 PM PDT by NKP_Vet

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband." "On what grounds?" "Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees." "No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?" "Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage." The lawyer is getting exasperated, "Does he beat you up?" "No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work." "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" "We just can't seem to communicate."


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: divorce; husband; marriage; wife
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1 posted on 05/09/2014 9:07:18 PM PDT by NKP_Vet
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To: NKP_Vet

LOL. Good one. Thanks for the laugh.


2 posted on 05/09/2014 9:14:16 PM PDT by Yogafist
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To: NKP_Vet

Boy, did I need a laugh tonight. Thanks very much!


3 posted on 05/09/2014 9:14:45 PM PDT by RitaOK ( VIVA CHRISTO REY / Public education is the farm team for more Marxists coming.)
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To: NKP_Vet

Two old guys in a boat fishing in the river when a funeral prosession crossed the bridge above them,,,,,,, one old man stood and tipped his hat, the other said that was right nice of him,,,,,,,, he said it was the least he could do as he was married to the woman for 50 years.


4 posted on 05/09/2014 9:19:53 PM PDT by umgud
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To: umgud

that’s awful! ha! :)


5 posted on 05/09/2014 9:27:56 PM PDT by latina4dubya (when i have money i buy books... if i have anything left, i buy 6-inch heels and a bottle of wine...)
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To: umgud; NKP_Vet

Somebody needs to start an ongoing comic relief joke thread. After all, a merry heart does good like a medicine. Sometimes I think all this angst can be toxic. Need a regular does of laughter.


6 posted on 05/09/2014 9:28:06 PM PDT by PapaNew
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To: PapaNew

I agree and there has got to be a lot of good yarns on FR.


7 posted on 05/09/2014 9:32:37 PM PDT by umgud
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To: umgud
I haven't spoken to my wife in over three months.

We're not fighting...I just like to interrupt.

8 posted on 05/09/2014 9:36:24 PM PDT by gorush (History repeats itself because human nature is static)
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To: gorush
I just don't like to interrupt
9 posted on 05/09/2014 9:37:42 PM PDT by gorush (History repeats itself because human nature is static)
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To: umgud

Well if you think of it, ping me if you find such a thread.


10 posted on 05/09/2014 9:38:38 PM PDT by PapaNew
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To: NKP_Vet
Recently on a video, a woman sarcastically made a comment, that men should try and have a conversation with women and listen like they actually care what they have to say.

I found it kind of funny.

Women talk 20,000 words a day, vs men speaking 7,000 words a day.

If women are talking 3 times as much as men, WHO is doing the talking and WHO is doing the listening?

Also, some might call this a joke:
If A Man Speaks His Mind In A Forest And No Woman Hears Him, Is He Still Wrong?

11 posted on 05/09/2014 9:38:41 PM PDT by mountn man (The Pleasure You Get From Life Is Equal To The Attitude You Put Into It)
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To: PapaNew

....take my wife, please.


12 posted on 05/09/2014 9:41:30 PM PDT by Slump Tester (What if I'm pregnant Teddy? Errr-ahh -Calm down Mary Jo, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it)
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To: umgud

I am on my second double scotch, it is late and I am about to dive into my liquor cabinet for a third scotch (it may also be a bourbon for all I care).

I am certain the joke is sublime and wasted on me in my present condition.

Can you explain it and make me laugh or smile?


13 posted on 05/09/2014 9:45:17 PM PDT by 353FMG
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To: 353FMG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdPcjIrSvcs


14 posted on 05/09/2014 9:51:39 PM PDT by vladimir998
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To: 353FMG

Wondering myself as a guy going through divorce with both kids living with me. I am getting my ass handed to me by an addicted soon to be x-spouse. Divorce “court” (family law) is decidedly against those with testicles.


15 posted on 05/09/2014 9:51:49 PM PDT by Ghost of SVR4 (So many are so hopelessly dependent on the government that they will fight to protect it.)
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To: RitaOK

Old joke alert.....

Heard about the dyslexic athiest?

He didn’t believe in “ DOG “.


16 posted on 05/09/2014 9:52:35 PM PDT by Sivad (NorCal red turf)
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To: 353FMG

Kind of a light weight eh?


17 posted on 05/09/2014 9:53:49 PM PDT by MileHi
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To: mountn man

YES!


18 posted on 05/09/2014 9:54:31 PM PDT by MacMattico
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To: Ghost of SVR4
Sucks bad.

In the other post, the ol’ boy was fishin’ as his deceased wifes funeral went past.

19 posted on 05/09/2014 9:55:57 PM PDT by MileHi
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To: 353FMG

It made me laugh heartily, but I don’t feel like explaining why.


20 posted on 05/09/2014 10:06:48 PM PDT by Defiant (Let the Tea Party win, and we will declare peace on the American people and go home.)
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To: NKP_Vet

LOL


21 posted on 05/09/2014 10:20:48 PM PDT by HANG THE EXPENSE (Life's tough.It's tougher when you're stupid.)
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To: MileHi
I'm okay with that...

/sarc.. Just wish it were over, kids and I need to move on.

22 posted on 05/09/2014 10:28:19 PM PDT by Ghost of SVR4 (So many are so hopelessly dependent on the government that they will fight to protect it.)
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To: NKP_Vet

Mickey Mouse goes to a lawyer to talk about getting a divorce from Minnie.

When he finishes telling his tale of woe the lawyer sighs and tells him, “I’m sorry, Mr Mouse, but insanity isn’t grounds for divorce in this state.”

Exasperated, Mickey shouts back, “I didn’t tell you Minnie was crazy. I said she was f***ing Goofy!”


23 posted on 05/09/2014 10:32:07 PM PDT by Catmom (We're all gonna get the punishment only some of us deserve.)
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To: NKP_Vet
Cute ;-)
24 posted on 05/09/2014 10:47:37 PM PDT by Pajamajan ( Pray for our nation. Thank the Lord for everything you have. Don't wait. Do it today.??)
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To: NKP_Vet

25 posted on 05/09/2014 11:00:58 PM PDT by Berlin_Freeper
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To: 353FMG
Two old guys in a boat fishing in the river when a funeral prosession crossed the bridge above them,,,,,,, one old man stood and tipped his hat, the other said that was right nice of him,,,,,,,, he said it was the least he could do as he was married to the woman for 50 years.

The old guy was married to the woman for 50 years; she died, and he opted to go fishing instead of to her funeral.

IMHO, if they were still married after 50 years, and he liked to fish THAT much, she would have been perfectly happy with his tip of the hat while fishing. :)
26 posted on 05/09/2014 11:05:38 PM PDT by PieterCasparzen (We have to fix things ourselves)
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To: NKP_Vet

Guy goes to a psychiatrist
and says,

One day I’m a teepee,
the next I’m a wigwam.
The next day I’m a teepee,
then I’m a wigwam again.
Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam!

Doctor says, “Relax, you’re two tents!”


27 posted on 05/09/2014 11:54:35 PM PDT by WKTimpco
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To: All

Allegedly the world’s funniest joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”


28 posted on 05/10/2014 12:09:47 AM PDT by pluvmantelo (Democrats:the party of moral hazard, the IRS and the heckler's veto)
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To: mountn man

even if a guy listens only half the time that’s three thousand more words than the woman listens to.

and believe me they read in a whole lot more to the seven thousand words the guy says.


29 posted on 05/10/2014 12:23:34 AM PDT by Secret Agent Man (Gone Galt; Not averse to Going Bronson.)
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To: NKP_Vet

Husband’s Text (by mobile phone):

Darling, I’ve been hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.

The blow to my head has been very strong but fortunately it seems that did not cause any
serious injury.
However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have
to amputate the right foot.

Wife’s Response:

Who’s Paula?


30 posted on 05/10/2014 12:37:39 AM PDT by mirkwood
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To: NKP_Vet

A rich man on his death bed, says to his wife. I want you to take all my money upstairs to the attic. So when I pass, I will be able to grab it on the my way up.
The wife does as her husband had asked and a few days later the old fellow dies. The wife immediately runs up to the attic and just as she expected all the money was stil there and she says to herself, darn I knew I should have put his money in the basement.


31 posted on 05/10/2014 1:16:51 AM PDT by Bessellieu
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To: umgud

rofl!!!!


32 posted on 05/10/2014 1:48:13 AM PDT by HeartlandOfAmerica (An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions, led by a deer.)
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To: Catmom

ROFLROFLROFL!


33 posted on 05/10/2014 1:52:49 AM PDT by HeartlandOfAmerica (An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions, led by a deer.)
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To: mirkwood
Good one....

Here's another..the very condensed version..

Husband and wife are lying in bed, talking:

She: If I died, would you remarry?
He: I might, after a few years
She: Would you live together in this house?
He: Probably. I like it here.
She: Would you let her wear my jewelry?
He: If she wanted to. You have some beautiful pieces, so I expect she might like them.
She: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
He: Nope. She's left handed.

34 posted on 05/10/2014 2:09:28 AM PDT by ken5050 ("One useless man is a shame, two are a law firm, three or more are a Congress".. John Adams)
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To: pluvmantelo
I prefer this rendition:

Three hunters were out deer hunting. They went to their shooting houses, agreeing to come out at a certain time. A couple of hours later one heard the call of nature, went out into the woods to "handle" the situation, and was shot in the shoulder by one of his friends who thought he was a deer. His friends quickly dragged him out of the woods, threw him into the back of their truck, and rushed him to the hospital...

A few hours later in the emergency room the doctor came out into the waiting area shaking his head. Their friend was dead. "How can he be dead?" asked the first hunter, "He was only shot in the shoulder!" "Well" drawled the doctor, "it's true the wound itself wasn't fatal, but you really shouldn't have field dressed him first."

35 posted on 05/10/2014 2:17:23 AM PDT by Dubh_Ghlase (Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee.)
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To: Bessellieu
Another oldie I have to condense....

The back story..Shakespeare and Byron.. England's greatest poets..both long dead, and have centuries in Limbo, finally get up to Heaven, and find St. Peter awaiting them at the Pearly Gates.

Peter apologizes, saying since it's late on a Friday, he only has time to process one of them into Heaven...the other will have to go back down to Limbo for a while. He decides to have a contest to decide who stays....and asks them to compose a poem about "Timbuktu."

Byron's up first:

"I sat upon the ocean's shore,
And watched the mighty breakers roar.
Far our at sea, came into view,
A schooner bound for Timbuktu."

Not bad, says, Peter..OK..Billy's up...

Shakespeare offers:

"Tim and I, a walking went
We met three ladies in a tent.
They were three, and we just two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu!"

36 posted on 05/10/2014 2:19:46 AM PDT by ken5050 ("One useless man is a shame, two are a law firm, three or more are a Congress".. John Adams)
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To: ken5050

A man calls his wife and says “Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”

The wife exclaims “That’s wonderful! Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?”

The man replies “I don’t give a damn what you pack. Just be gone by the time I get home!”


37 posted on 05/10/2014 2:23:40 AM PDT by Antonello (Oh my God, don't shoot the banana!)
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To: Ghost of SVR4

I became aware of that at least a decade ago because of reading stories and comments here,

Good luck to you.


38 posted on 05/10/2014 3:27:47 AM PDT by FreedomPoster (Islam delenda est)
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To: NKP_Vet
A man and his wife and young son, Johnny are driving home when all three spot two dogs energetically "making love" on a neighbor's lawn. Johnny asks "Mom, Dad, are those dogs fighting?".

Dad looks at Mom, Mom looks at Dad and Dad says "No, Johnny those dogs are just making a puppy". Johnny doesn't say anything and just thinks about that.

Later in the evening, the parents put Johnny to bed early because Dad has a gleam in his eye. After he's in bed, the parents are together in their bedroom when Johnny opens the door and sees them making love.

"Dad! Mom! what are you doing?" Mom looks at Dad, Dad looks at Mom and Dad says "Johnny, your Mother and I are making you a little Brother"

Johnny takes that in for a second and says "Dad, could you turn Mom over? I'd rather have a puppy."

39 posted on 05/10/2014 3:52:59 AM PDT by Chainmail (A simple rule of life: if you can be blamed, you're responsible.)
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To: NKP_Vet

BOOKMARK


40 posted on 05/10/2014 4:04:21 AM PDT by DFG ("Dumb, Dependent, and Democrat is no way to go through life" - Louie Gohmert (R-TX))
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To: Bessellieu

A man is at work one day when he notices his male co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”. The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings”. “Don’t make such a big deal out of it. It’s only an earring”, he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck”


41 posted on 05/10/2014 5:35:45 AM PDT by NKP_Vet ("It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died;we should thank God that such men lived" ~ Patton)
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To: mountn man

Not in my household. Husband and son do all the talking. I have to be really firm if I want to finish a sentence without hubby interrupting, because he has a horrible habit of that.


42 posted on 05/10/2014 5:41:00 AM PDT by exDemMom (Current visual of the hole the US continues to dig itself into: http://www.usdebtclock.org/)
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To: ken5050

So who got in?


43 posted on 05/10/2014 5:41:45 AM PDT by Dryman (Define Natural Born Citizen)
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To: Bessellieu

lol


44 posted on 05/10/2014 5:45:42 AM PDT by yldstrk ( My heroes have always been cowboys)
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To: NKP_Vet

A FUNERAL SERVICE— is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the f**king wall!


45 posted on 05/10/2014 6:31:09 AM PDT by mund1011
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To: exDemMom; Secret Agent Man
Women speak 20,000 words a day.
Men speak 7,000 words a day.

What's the difference???

Men think women talk to much.
Women wish men would quit interrupting.

46 posted on 05/10/2014 6:33:03 AM PDT by mountn man (The Pleasure You Get From Life Is Equal To The Attitude You Put Into It)
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To: NKP_Vet
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: "Double my IQ" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said: "Triple my IQ" and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his IQ. The mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman excitingly said "Yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman...

47 posted on 05/10/2014 6:57:14 AM PDT by no-to-illegals (Scrutinize our government and Secure the Blessing of Freedom and Justice)
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To: NKP_Vet

Groucho Marx:

Old mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard, to get her poor daughter a dress.

But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, and so is her daughter, I guess.


48 posted on 05/10/2014 7:25:43 AM PDT by faucetman ( Just the facts, ma'am, Just the facts)
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To: mountn man

WHO is doing the listening?....Certainly NOT me. “ YEAH, YEAH. Shut up and start the lawnmower (or snow-blower depending on equinox juxtaposition).


49 posted on 05/10/2014 7:40:13 AM PDT by Safetgiver ( Islam makes barbarism look genteel.)
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To: NKP_Vet

Is her name Edith Bunker?


50 posted on 05/10/2014 7:44:37 AM PDT by Married with Children
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