Skip to comments.Divorce
Posted on 05/09/2014 9:07:18 PM PDT by NKP_Vet
A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband." "On what grounds?" "Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees." "No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?" "Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage." The lawyer is getting exasperated, "Does he beat you up?" "No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work." "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" "We just can't seem to communicate."
LOL. Good one. Thanks for the laugh.
Boy, did I need a laugh tonight. Thanks very much!
Two old guys in a boat fishing in the river when a funeral prosession crossed the bridge above them,,,,,,, one old man stood and tipped his hat, the other said that was right nice of him,,,,,,,, he said it was the least he could do as he was married to the woman for 50 years.
that’s awful! ha! :)
Somebody needs to start an ongoing comic relief joke thread. After all, a merry heart does good like a medicine. Sometimes I think all this angst can be toxic. Need a regular does of laughter.
I agree and there has got to be a lot of good yarns on FR.
We're not fighting...I just like to interrupt.
Well if you think of it, ping me if you find such a thread.
I found it kind of funny.
Women talk 20,000 words a day, vs men speaking 7,000 words a day.
If women are talking 3 times as much as men, WHO is doing the talking and WHO is doing the listening?
Also, some might call this a joke:
If A Man Speaks His Mind In A Forest And No Woman Hears Him, Is He Still Wrong?
....take my wife, please.
I am on my second double scotch, it is late and I am about to dive into my liquor cabinet for a third scotch (it may also be a bourbon for all I care).
I am certain the joke is sublime and wasted on me in my present condition.
Can you explain it and make me laugh or smile?
Wondering myself as a guy going through divorce with both kids living with me. I am getting my ass handed to me by an addicted soon to be x-spouse. Divorce “court” (family law) is decidedly against those with testicles.
Old joke alert.....
Heard about the dyslexic athiest?
He didn’t believe in “ DOG “.
Kind of a light weight eh?
In the other post, the ol’ boy was fishin’ as his deceased wifes funeral went past.
It made me laugh heartily, but I don’t feel like explaining why.
/sarc.. Just wish it were over, kids and I need to move on.
Mickey Mouse goes to a lawyer to talk about getting a divorce from Minnie.
When he finishes telling his tale of woe the lawyer sighs and tells him, “I’m sorry, Mr Mouse, but insanity isn’t grounds for divorce in this state.”
Exasperated, Mickey shouts back, “I didn’t tell you Minnie was crazy. I said she was f***ing Goofy!”
Guy goes to a psychiatrist
One day I’m a teepee,
the next I’m a wigwam.
The next day I’m a teepee,
then I’m a wigwam again.
Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam!
Doctor says, “Relax, you’re two tents!”
Allegedly the world’s funniest joke:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
even if a guy listens only half the time that’s three thousand more words than the woman listens to.
and believe me they read in a whole lot more to the seven thousand words the guy says.
Husbands Text (by mobile phone):
Darling, Ive been hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong but fortunately it seems that did not cause any
However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have
to amputate the right foot.
A rich man on his death bed, says to his wife. I want you to take all my money upstairs to the attic. So when I pass, I will be able to grab it on the my way up.
The wife does as her husband had asked and a few days later the old fellow dies. The wife immediately runs up to the attic and just as she expected all the money was stil there and she says to herself, darn I knew I should have put his money in the basement.
Here's another..the very condensed version..
Husband and wife are lying in bed, talking:
She: If I died, would you remarry?
He: I might, after a few years
She: Would you live together in this house?
He: Probably. I like it here.
She: Would you let her wear my jewelry?
He: If she wanted to. You have some beautiful pieces, so I expect she might like them.
She: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
He: Nope. She's left handed.
Three hunters were out deer hunting. They went to their shooting houses, agreeing to come out at a certain time. A couple of hours later one heard the call of nature, went out into the woods to "handle" the situation, and was shot in the shoulder by one of his friends who thought he was a deer. His friends quickly dragged him out of the woods, threw him into the back of their truck, and rushed him to the hospital...
A few hours later in the emergency room the doctor came out into the waiting area shaking his head. Their friend was dead. "How can he be dead?" asked the first hunter, "He was only shot in the shoulder!" "Well" drawled the doctor, "it's true the wound itself wasn't fatal, but you really shouldn't have field dressed him first."
The back story..Shakespeare and Byron.. England's greatest poets..both long dead, and have centuries in Limbo, finally get up to Heaven, and find St. Peter awaiting them at the Pearly Gates.
Peter apologizes, saying since it's late on a Friday, he only has time to process one of them into Heaven...the other will have to go back down to Limbo for a while. He decides to have a contest to decide who stays....and asks them to compose a poem about "Timbuktu."
Byron's up first:
"I sat upon the ocean's shore,
And watched the mighty breakers roar.
Far our at sea, came into view,
A schooner bound for Timbuktu."
Not bad, says, Peter..OK..Billy's up...
"Tim and I, a walking went
We met three ladies in a tent.
They were three, and we just two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu!"
A man calls his wife and says “Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”
The wife exclaims “That’s wonderful! Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?”
The man replies “I don’t give a damn what you pack. Just be gone by the time I get home!”
I became aware of that at least a decade ago because of reading stories and comments here,
Good luck to you.
Dad looks at Mom, Mom looks at Dad and Dad says "No, Johnny those dogs are just making a puppy". Johnny doesn't say anything and just thinks about that.
Later in the evening, the parents put Johnny to bed early because Dad has a gleam in his eye. After he's in bed, the parents are together in their bedroom when Johnny opens the door and sees them making love.
"Dad! Mom! what are you doing?" Mom looks at Dad, Dad looks at Mom and Dad says "Johnny, your Mother and I are making you a little Brother"
Johnny takes that in for a second and says "Dad, could you turn Mom over? I'd rather have a puppy."
A man is at work one day when he notices his male co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”. The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings”. “Don’t make such a big deal out of it. It’s only an earring”, he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck”
Not in my household. Husband and son do all the talking. I have to be really firm if I want to finish a sentence without hubby interrupting, because he has a horrible habit of that.
So who got in?
A FUNERAL SERVICE— is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the f**king wall!
What's the difference???
Men think women talk to much.
Women wish men would quit interrupting.
Then the second fisherman said: "Triple my IQ" and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his IQ. The mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman excitingly said "Yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman...
Old mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard, to get her poor daughter a dress.
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, and so is her daughter, I guess.
WHO is doing the listening?....Certainly NOT me. “ YEAH, YEAH. Shut up and start the lawnmower (or snow-blower depending on equinox juxtaposition).
Is her name Edith Bunker?