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EPIC: If this isnít the most American Craigslist ad I have ever seen I donít know what is
youngcons.com ^ | June 8, 2014 | Joshua Riddle

Posted on 06/11/2014 6:39:53 PM PDT by AlmaKing

I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie Jeep” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT & POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world.

You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie cutter Jeep son. This thing was forged from a single block of all American Tungsten Steel. Real sturdy! From that day forward my life has never been the same. Winch yourself off that couch and see if you can handle this Jeep Wrangler Sahara.

So if you are looking for a rice burning hatch back, a solar powered liberal mobile, or even a Hyundai crossover keep on looking my friend this thing is a piece of red white and blue Americana Machinery.

This baby’s pulse is pumping 4.0 liters of uncensored raw fuel through her straight six nuclear power plant. And rest assured this is no metro feminine automatic. . .you command her to obey, with your calloused hand planted firmly on the shifter. And she will obey, the first time, every time. If you can’t handle your stick shifter, or reach the clutch pedal, you better not ferry skip over here wanting to test drive her. If you stall her out, you can count on getting hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back where you came from.

It has A/C but are you kidding me….Really! If you want to blow the sweat off your brow, you do it the old fashioned way: doors off, top down. “What if it rains?”. . .You whiney bitch! I told you to stop reading. . . Any man who drives this beast doesn’t give a damn about rain. Not even skin melting acid rain, Cause he’s already dripping wet in blood, sweat, dip spit, and fish guts.

If you are looking for the kind of jeep that has to be pansy parked in the garage, so the “carpet doesn’t get wet and soggy” Then you should plant your Obama sticker on some Japanese piece of s***. Cause this thing has drain holes in the floor and rhino lined to let the blood drain out from the buffalo you just killed, with your bare hands. Because you are William Wallace from Braveheart and when you get home you can leave your “sissy sponge glove car wash kit” in the pink bucket it came in. Go ahead and spark up your 6000 psi heated pressure washer on the dually trailer in your man cave, cause you are Tim Gillespie and you can pressure wash your truck on the inside. She’s got rhino lined floors with a full roll cage in case that buffalo comes back to life while you’re doing 80 over some mountain pass or flooded river.

If you’re thinking about Mexican chrome bumpers for her, think again. The bumper bashers come hand forged in a blacksmith shop in Franklin County over a wood burnin fire, out of 4 inch well casing, and railroad tracks and then I welded em to the damn chassis. That way if you get deployed you can piggy back this war wagon on a deuce and a half and chain her down tight from the four corners, so you don’t lose her when your convoy gets hit by a taliband roadside suicide bomber.

And forget about putting one of those “It’s a Jeep Thing. . .You wouldn’t understand” stickers on this machine cause when you’re spotted in this American Classic there will be no questions, no further explanation required, people will understand and get out of your way. . …real quick.

If you think you’re ready to park this panty hauler on your tract of land. If you buy this jeep you better go get your old lady ready for some damn changes around your lair, cause this s** will be happening. What will be Happening? Glad you asked….

1. More chest hair.

2. You’re growing a beard.

3. Meat Only Diet.

4. T-Rex for a pet.

5. You’re taking a job at the lumber mill.

6. Your car carries five kegs.

7. [Expletive Deleted]

8. Catch more fish.

9. Wire bristled toothbrush.

10. Sex in the yard.

11. Sex in the garage.

12. All male offspring.

13. Chiseled jaw line.

14. Not giving a damn.

15. Flesh turning to steel.

16. Higher salary

17. Promotions.

18. Better looking wives.

19. Better looking mistresses.

20. More golfing

21. More killing stuff.

22. More dead animals in the KITCHEN freezer.

23. More tools in your garage.

24. Bigger TV

25. Wife takes out the trash

26. Four Wheel Drive

27. Wife brings trash can in from road.

28. Wife stops bitching about clothes on floor.

29. Wife stocks fridge with beer.

30. Chuck Norris.

31. John McCain

32. Steaks for dinner.

33. Winning the Lottery.

34. Women on the side.

35. Wrestling with bea

36. Building sh** out of stone.

37. Riding Lawn Mower.

38. Bon Fires in cul-de-sac.

39. Bar Fights.

40. Wife picks you up from Thee Gentlemen’s Club.

41. Craftsman Tools.

42. Jay Bisset.

43. Welding stuff.

44. Digging holes.

45. Huge Piece of meat.

Put your GPS back in your purse.

Sounds good doesn’t it?

This jeep has carried me through 155,000 miles of battlefield twice as gruesome as the second half of the movie “300″. . ..And just like a trusty steed this juggernaut has never left me stranded. If you think you’ve worn her out you drag this beast back to me in any condition. And Ill handle the rest.

But if you think you’re going to get to whip this mule you better pony up Sixty Five Hundred Dollars. . .American Cash. I’m not selling you this car unless you are clearly a pure blooded American Species, so don’t even think about it.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: craigslist; jeep
Link has the pic of the jeep.
1 posted on 06/11/2014 6:39:53 PM PDT by AlmaKing
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To: AlmaKing

Amooseoncebitmysister.


2 posted on 06/11/2014 6:42:07 PM PDT by tumblindice (America's founding fathers: all armed conservatives)
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To: AlmaKing
I love it. Might must make the feller an offer myself because I'm looking for a Jeep. Pity it's clear down in Texas. I mean, who knew they had heterosexuals in Texas?

[Running for cover]

3 posted on 06/11/2014 6:46:02 PM PDT by Billthedrill
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To: AlmaKing

Looked at it.

Not even enough room in back to hold by hyper-active Golden Retriever, much less a field-dressed bull elk.

Maybe my dented-up Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo (the one that climbs over boulders) won’t put hair on my chest - hopefully NOT! - but it can hold what I kill. Or buy at the market.


4 posted on 06/11/2014 6:46:38 PM PDT by SatinDoll (A NATURAL BORN CITIZEN IS BORN IN THE US OF US CITIZEN PARENTS.)
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To: AlmaKing

I met my wife on Craigslist, so I’ve got him beat.


5 posted on 06/11/2014 6:47:17 PM PDT by 2ndDivisionVet (I will raise $2Million USD for Cruz and/or Palin's next run, what will you do?)
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To: AlmaKing

#31, really?


6 posted on 06/11/2014 6:50:25 PM PDT by saganite (What happens to taglines? Is there a termination date?)
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To: saganite

Well...I held my nose and voted for him but I’m not sure I would put it on a list of positives.


7 posted on 06/11/2014 6:51:33 PM PDT by Durus (You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality. Ayn Rand)
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To: saganite

yes, I know. I don’t know what he was thinking on that one.


8 posted on 06/11/2014 6:52:56 PM PDT by AlmaKing
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To: AlmaKing

“31. John McCain”

Oh. That ruined it.


9 posted on 06/11/2014 6:53:39 PM PDT by vladimir998
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To: AlmaKing

Where’s the gun rack?


10 posted on 06/11/2014 6:54:09 PM PDT by glyptol
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

Has your wife lasted 155,000 miles without a breakdown?

I’m just saying...


11 posted on 06/11/2014 6:54:32 PM PDT by vladimir998
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To: AlmaKing

Total poseur. Leftie wanker satire. Witness #31.


12 posted on 06/11/2014 6:55:55 PM PDT by RegulatorCountry
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To: AlmaKing

# 31. John McCain....Seriously?


13 posted on 06/11/2014 7:00:39 PM PDT by Kackikat
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To: saganite
#31, really?

I'm going to assume that he meant John McClane. Yippie Ki-Yay!

14 posted on 06/11/2014 7:25:52 PM PDT by Charles Martel (Endeavor to persevere...)
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To: AlmaKing

I just roared with laughter all the way through this. Thanks for posting it. Forwarding it to the young Marine so he can share it with the other guys in his platoon.


15 posted on 06/11/2014 7:30:48 PM PDT by ottbmare (the OTTB mare, now a proud Marine Mom)
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To: saganite
15. Flesh turning to steel.

$6500? Worth every penny.


16 posted on 06/11/2014 7:31:33 PM PDT by Bloody Sam Roberts (Proudly posting before reading the whole article since 2001.)
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To: Bloody Sam Roberts

Meh. When I was younger I got that with the latest Playboy for less than 5 bucks.


17 posted on 06/11/2014 7:40:39 PM PDT by saganite (What happens to taglines? Is there a termination date?)
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To: AlmaKing

I enjoy my decade old Jeep Wrangler. No electronic door openers, you need to put the key in the door, roll down windows with hand cranks, blowing wind and dust everywhere, wife complains how noisy and uncomfortable it is. I love it!


18 posted on 06/11/2014 7:44:50 PM PDT by Inyo-Mono (NRA)
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To: saganite

#31

More meat for dinner.

More stuff needs killing.


19 posted on 06/11/2014 7:44:56 PM PDT by Scrambler Bob (You can count my felonies by looking at my FR replies.)
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To: Billthedrill
I love it. Might must make the feller an offer myself because I'm looking for a Jeep. Pity it's clear down in Texas. I mean, who knew they had heterosexuals in Texas?

It's all those darn transplants from up east and from the left coast.

20 posted on 06/11/2014 8:04:55 PM PDT by al_c (Obama's standing in the world has fallen so much that Kenya now claims he was born in America.)
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To: Inyo-Mono

My ‘05 Wrangler has a hard top with a 3in lift, pulls like bull and handles like a Jag.

No lack of Testosterone!


21 posted on 06/11/2014 8:23:07 PM PDT by Big Red Badger ( - William Diamonds Drum - can You Hear it G man?)
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To: AlmaKing

Someone is suffering a severe case of SP syndrome.


22 posted on 06/11/2014 8:28:07 PM PDT by Wavy_Wally
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To: Big Red Badger

Yeah, and like mine, you have an old fashioned 4.0 in-line 6, not the wussy V-6 from a Mom van like the newer ones.


23 posted on 06/11/2014 8:51:35 PM PDT by Inyo-Mono (NRA)
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To: saganite

I think he meant John McCane, Bruce Willis’ character in the “Die Hard” series.


24 posted on 06/11/2014 10:46:54 PM PDT by Don W (To laugh, perhaps to dream...)
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