Skip to comments.***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***
Posted on 06/27/2014 5:21:12 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
Danny's doorbell was ringing and when he answered it, he found his pretty neighbour Sally, pacing restlessly at his door. Sally, who had recently got a divorce, said to him, "Dan, I am feeling so lonely, I can't take it anymore.
I want to let my hair down, get drunk & want to have a good time. What are you doing tonight?"
Danny replied quickly, "I am free!"
"Wonderful." Sally said. "Can you take care of my kids?"
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.
''I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.
''I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal'
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sneaks up on you!
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I hope things are going better for you, Ma’am.
Food for thought
I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
So I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. That way I can say I went to the jim this morning.
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan?
I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago. People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field? Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House".
I almost ran off the road!
We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
P.S. The Committee has raised $2.16 so far.
Today I had to go to the mall. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available. The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you suffered from some sort of mental disorder."
She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!
In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to un-insure the insured. Next, we require the newly un-insured to be re-insured. To re-insure the newly un-insured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured. The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became un-insured and then re-insured, can pay enough extra capital so that the original un-insured can be insured for free.
The fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth..
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet. When the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money..."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Tommy aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but that's too embarrassing to say in front of the other kids."
Required to state his case, Julius said: "This racist word is demoralizing for the Blacks of this country! How can you put people on a list just because they're black, why not put whites on a list also?".
The judge, looking pained and after thinking for a minute said: "Whites are on a separate list, they are called "Tax payers."
Compare the tilt of the two chins.
The thing with the trees is disturbing.
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