Skip to comments.Should I Tell My Husband Our Last Child Isnít His?
Posted on 06/27/2014 2:36:24 PM PDT by nickcarraway
I am the mother of two. I have an amazing husband and father to my children. The last child is not his, and he is unaware. His best friend and I had a one-night stand two years ago when my hubby was out of town. I cant bring myself to come clean.
I just started going to therapy about this. The guilt is making me miserable. I feel honesty would break our whole family apart. I'm afraid to find out what my husband may do. Anonymous
My grandmother had a saying about truth: Whats done in the dark will always come to the light. Youve been carrying some huge secrets, and despite trying to ignore and avoid them, theyve come to the forefront of your mind nearly three years later with a crippling vengeance thats making you miserable.
Im glad youre in therapy. Thats a good starting point. If you have a good therapist, she or he will help you find the courage to come clean, as you put it, and tell your husband the truth about your affair and the child that resulted from it. Its not the easy thing to do, but it is the right course of action here for everyone involved, including you.
Your husband deserves to know the truth, and sooner rather than later.
(Excerpt) Read more at theroot.com ...
The choices we make. Nobodies fault but your own.
Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
I’m so glad that this is my last child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those payments!
I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, “Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your Mama’s house; You tell her that this is the last check she’s ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face.”
So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the ex had to say and how she took it.
As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, “Well now .. what did she have to say?”
“She told me to tell you that you ain’t my Daddy.”
oooh. dat’s cold
In the era of DNA, the child needs to know. It’s one of those secrets that can’t be kept anymore, and learning later on his/her own would be irreversibly devestating.
why would you post this from a Black rapper website??
what is the point?
Let the secret be your penance....you suffer and everyone else lives in peace...why spread the misery around.
As a husband and father, I wouldn't want to know. I would prefer to be blissfully ignorant.
If my wife 'fessed up something like this to me, I just don't think our family could ever recover from the hurt, anger and resentment that would ensue.
If the kid is only 2 years old, she has to “man up” and tell the husband, come what may. She may be afraid to do it but imagine the scenario where the kid is 16 or 17 or 20 and everyone still believes he is the father’s son. That would create so much more damage than telling the husband now. If she loves the child, she will tell the husband now.
(Btw, the same issue comes up — in an obviously different context — in adoption. One of my family members adopted a son, who is now 25, and never told him that he is adopted. They live in fear that he will find out one day and hate them for not telling him.)
Dishonesty already broke your whole family apart.
Your husband should get sole custody of his child.
That would leave you free to negotiate with the father of the other child for the expense of raising him/her.
I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your Mamas house; You tell her that this is the last check shes ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face.
So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the ex had to say and how she took it.
As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, Well now .. what did she have to say?
She told me to tell you that you aint my Daddy."
A dear friend who is a pastor, now 70, took me to the Boston area, we sat in the van and watched inner city blacks on Friday night, on the way home I asked him how any of them knew who their fathers were, who their half brothers and sisters are?
He said "there is no way for them to know so they knowingly and unknowingly interbreed and the problem only get's worse and worse."
I think he is right.
I get what your saying but the dad and the kid have a right to know. Wow, what an awful situation, come clean and let the cards fall where they may. Hopefully someone will learn something from the pain this person is suffering and the pain they are about to inflict on others.
The important thing for all three adults to remember is this, The Baby did nothing wrong and should not have to bear the brunt.
“If my wife ‘fessed up something like this to me, I just don’t think our family could ever recover from the hurt, anger and resentment that would ensue. “
My view is that the hurt and anger will be there anyway and likely build.
If the woman is totally broken and remorseful; she should bring the secret out and ask for forgiveness.
If she tries to hold it in, it will cause great issues.
The dad can still love the child as his own; and be a great role model for forgiveness and healing to the kids.
Imho, confessing to her husband would be a selfish act. This is her problem, and her penance is not making it her husband’s.
She would be admitting that she cheated on him and that could very well be the end of the marriage.
What a worthless wench to be in the advice industry. That married couple have children. Likee or no Likee - they have children who need their parents. Those children don’t know or care about DNA.
There is the other factor of their marriage having had a third party, assuming they had a religious marriage.
But, when nuts advise sluts, what difference does it make?
To the children, the quest for absolution will be both vain and destructive to the children. But the Slut wants to follow the advise of that nut - so who are we to say anything?
Thank you - let the secret be your penance, indeed and Amen.
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I agree - the family would never be the same if SHE told so SHE felt less guilty.
Sadly, I've never married........But if I had, I would have never cheated on my wife......no matter what.
If I had found out she screwed my best friend, I would have simply packed my bags and moved out.........no argument, no yelling and screaming, no nothing.
There also would have been no reconcilliation, and no marital counseling...........
As for my ex-best friend, win or lose, at least I would have gotten in the first punch and left him something to remember for the rest of his life...........
Why isn’t she asking her if the best friend knows he has a child?
I agree - her confession would be a selfish act, to relieve HER guilt at the expense of her innocent husband.
My advice to the stupid self destructive drama queen is to keep her stupid mouth shut and have a dna test done first. Maybe she’s right, but she could also be wrong because she’s wracked with guilt, fear and paranoia.
She could easily destroy her child’s relationship with her father over a phantasm created by guilt.
And then, if the test shows she’s right, she should still keep her stupid mouth shut and be the best wife and mother she can be in repentance.
I totally agree as long as your wife has remained faithful...
I just don't think our family could ever recover from the hurt, anger and resentment that would ensue.
Some things are simply not worth it...
Coming clean would destroy a marriage, a father daughter relationship and an intact family...
Let her live with her guilt...
For most people who are unfaithful... everything is always about them. It makes sense. She wouldn’t be telling him to make things better for her family in anyway. She thinks it would just clear her conscience. And really, it won’t. She’ll always know what happened... and if it breaks up her family when she tells him and hurts her kids... then she’ll have to live with that too. And she can spend the next few years telling her sad tale of woe to people she meets on Match.com.
My view is that the husband has the right to know and decide if he wants to spend his life with this unfaithful woman, or not.
I guess the question is genetics...are there diseases that could erupt or things like diabetes that are considered inherited...so if she dies ....who would be able to explain it if the husband does not know. Doesn’t the child need to know eventually who their real father is?
I once dated a teacher who told me that two of her students who were “dating” found out they both had the same sperm donor father.
LOL, an old one but a cold one!
Because secrets aren't forever, sooner or later the truth will be discovered........and then what?
Will the discovery of your partner's infidelity be lessened simply because you found out 10, 15 years later? And if so, what assurance do you have that your partner wasn't also screwing around for the past 10 or 15 years with other people?
Marriage is based on total trust, and if that trust is broken just once, where is the guarantee that it won't or hasn't been broken again?
What really matters is who is being the father to the child, not who donated the sperm.
I remember a series where the husband had no clue that the neighbor was involved with the wife. . . .
You’re right about your family probably not surviving such a revelation, but you’re wrong to think it would survive with you not knowing. The truth is always best.
Sure...Tell him. Put all that guilt on his shoulders. Ghandi once said, when he was told people near him were betraying him, “I don’t want to know, then I must carry this on my mind and shoulders.”
I love this, when people want to tell you that they’ve been unfaithful....
Hey...grow up. You made the mistake you live with it, and keep inside. IF I were you husband, and you told me this, I would have a difficult time accepting it.
On the other hand... “for richer, for poorer, for better for worse...” Maybe you should read my book...
Telling the husband now is cruel. It has nothing to do with him. She and the ‘friend’ can carry that guilt. That is their penance.
I think, possibly depending on the state, that poor guy is on the hook for child support no matter what. There is a narrow window to be able to opt out once you find out the child is not yours. That period has past and that guy is on the hook till that kid turn 18.
Yes,you should...if you want him to divorce you and disown the child.Or worse.Think of it this way,sweetie.*He* informs *you* that he’s fathered a child with another woman while married to you.Would *you* be thrilled? Even slightly?
Agreed. There's a very good chance that the woman's husband will be a better father to this child than the man who slept with this selfish woman.
One thing to consider, as the child grows older, it could become obvious who the father really is. I know of a case where that actually happened.
Every day that the truth is not told, the wife is stealing from her husband and child. What is she stealing? Their right to make informed decisions, and their right to award her/ his friend with respect, trust and confidence based on the truth. She is taking from herself the ability to maintain an honest relationship, and it is already chipping away at her conscience.
Yup,I remember it well.I was in my teens at the time,rather sheltered and naive and didn't have the first clue either.That is...until we got out first color TV.And then I had an "aha" moment.
Hindsight is twenty twenty. When she volunteered to open her legs to have unprotected sex, all she wanted was a orgasm. If that was all she did, maybe she could keep her mouth shut. But she a kid now and it ain’t her husbands. The Child has to be taken care of and it’s her responsibility and the fathers. If the husband wants to help, ok. If not, and she keeps it a secret..then the child suffers now or later.
Cheaters rarely cheat only once. If she isn’t honest enough to ‘fess up, she will likely cheat again. Take Bill Clinton as an example. Her husband deserves better. I would divorce her, but he may be a more forgiving man than I am. The truth is almost always the right thing. She should tell it and let the chips fall where they may. If her husband is truly “Amazing” as she claims, he deserves better than her.
She could have had an orgasm with the husband but she cheated on him instead. This decision was not about sex, she deliberately chose to cheat on her husband.
Ahhh...I will quote the Protestant pastor who was giving advice to the married sailors on my navy ship as we approached San Diego on our return trip from the Persian Gulf (including stops in the Philippines). I was single at the time.
“Some of you may have done some things you are embarrassed of or regret while deployed. Some of you may feel like you should tell your spouses what you did.
I would ask you, what good would that do now? What would telling your spouse accomplish? What are you trying to accomplish by telling your spouse?”
In short....the only person harmed right now...is the cheater. They are forced to live with theor actions. If they actually feel remorse and are no longer cheating....and there is no l dial reason for the child or non-parent to onow about the “one night stand”.....then telling everyone only ruins two or three more lives when only the cheating mother should be suffering.