Skip to comments.***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***
Posted on 07/11/2014 5:57:18 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
When : July 11th
Cheer Up the Lonely Day is an opportunity to make a lonely person happy. Any time you can make someone happy, you've done a good thing, and should be proud of yourself.
Lonely people have few friends and loved ones. They may have lost loved ones over the years. They may be elderly. They see people on an infrequent basis.
Spend some time today cheering up lonely people. It's easy to do.....just spend some time with them. When you visit, bring happy things to talk about. Keep the conversation upbeat, and lively. When you leave, give a big hug and let them know you enjoyed the stay. Sending cards or making a phone call is okay, only if they live too far away to visit. What a lonely person really needs, is face to face time with other people.
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"
The rest is history...
Harry, the newest resident at the nursing home, is an old 85-year-old man whose wife passed away a few months ago. He rarely leaves his room, while trying to adjust to nursing home life. On occasion, he is seen sitting on a couch in one of the main living rooms, staring out the window with tears in his eyes.
Delores, another resident in her 80s, noticed Harry's sobbing one afternoon. Feeling bad for him, she approached calmly and asked what was bothering him so much.
"I'm so lonely," said Harry, "Without my wife here, I feel alone. Will you come sit here with me and keep me company?"
Compelled to make a new friend and to ease his pain, she takes a seat next to him. His sobbing gets a bit more intense.
Harry continued by saying, "Every afternoon, at about this time in the late afternoon, my wife and I would make love. We did it every day for 60 years."
Delores felt pretty bad for him, but was caught off guard when he grabbed her hand and placed it on his inner thigh.
After about ten minutes, Harry looked at her and asked, "Would you do me a kind favor for a lonely old man?"
"Sure Harry, what is it?" asked Delores.
"If I unzip my trousers, would you just hold it for a few minutes? It would really put me at ease," he said.
"Oh, Harry, I don't know about that." she replied.
His sobbing got even more intense. Delores was feeling really bad for him, so after a minute or so, she gave in and agreed to hold his member.
At first, it was an uncomfortable feeling for her. But after a half-hour of it, she became more at ease with the idea. As the early dinner bell rang, Harry zipped back up and said, "I would really appreciate it if you would come back and meet me here again tomorrow at 4:00."
She reluctantly agreed. And so it went the next day. And the next day. And the next. This went on for a couple of weeks, that they would sit on the couch, with her holding his shriveled up buddy and staring out the window together. It became something of a relationship for her - Delores was actually looking forward to it every morning she woke up.
Then one afternoon at 4:00, she walked to the living room and Harry wasn't there. She checked his room to no avail. She searched the nursing home high and low, asking people if they had seen him. Finally, she found another old man who said he saw Harry sitting on the bench in the garden.
So, Delores went out there and saw him sitting with another woman. As she got closer, she saw the old lady holding his member.
"What the hell are you doing Harry?" she asked with an obviously angry tone. "How could you do such a thing to me? What does she have that I don't, Harry?"
Harry looked up at her, and shrewdly answered, "Parkinson's"
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by: Pissing and moaning.
Road Rage Karma
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
Don't leave me alone
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Wow - top ten!
TOP TEN! Wahoo for Friday Silliness!
WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO TOP 10!!!!
Hey, TOP TEN!! Now it’s time to get to work.
Top Ten....let the party begin
Aw, missed it by that much!
One particular Sunday at church, the minister began his sermon with Dear Lord, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. Without you, we are but dust .
He would have continued but at that moment one very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly, Mommy, what’s butt dust?
The minister could not restore order and ended services early.
Thanks. Good job as always.
Panks for the thing!
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but we know exactly where we are!”
The officer looks at him confused and says “you were going 108 miles per hour!”
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, “Great! Now we’re lost!”
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
“A cat,” Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells “Hey! This cat is dead.”
Schrödinger angrily replies, “Well he is now.”
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies.....”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington,DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
...and THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days...
When you’re from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.
“No, they went to town.”
“How about your brother, Howard, Is he here?”
“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,
“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.
The boy thought for a moment...then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the Arizona desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? “
“Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees a ham bush....”
No strings attached (just walk in):
Friday, July 11: Small Slurpee
Must download 7-Eleven app:
July 12: Big Gulp soft drink
July 13: M&M's Birthday Cake Flavor candies
July 14: Grandma's Cookies
July 15: Hostess Twinkies
July 16 Snickers or Twix brand ice cream bar
July 17: Quaker Chewy Yogurt snack bar
July 18: Pillsbury cookie
July 19: Small Slurpee
Ham bush!! LOLOL
I knew you posted that!!!!
Yeah. Me too!
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